Why? “Because I’m Mitt Romney, bitches, and I’m all you got left.”

[kpete]

What Mitt SHOULD say: The Liberation of Willard Romney:
A Game Plan, by Charles P. Pierce -

“Okay, so let me tell you about myself. I’m not one of you. I’m moderately pro-life. I believe that gay people are human, too, and that, maybe, there ought to be a way for them to get married. I am not what I have been pretending to be all these months. I am nowhere near as stupid and retrograde as you have to pretend to be in this primary, okay? Right now, bitches, you’ve got a gender gap that looks like the Gates of Hercules because Santorum — and have Pierce and I told you recently what a colossal dick that guy is? — is a sheet-sniffing, diaphragm-hunting male nun. You’re losing two generations of Hispanic voters because you keep lining up behind immigration laws that seem to have been drawn up in Nuremberg. How’s that going to work out for you in 2016, or 2012? You really want to be the party of angry white people in lawn chairs? I am the Massachusetts moderate, bitches, and I’ve got the money to make it work. [...]

It’s not my fault that longtime Republican solutions have been recast in the fetid reaches of The Base’s hive-mind as creeping socialism. It’s not my fault you turned ignorant poo-flinging into a national strategy. …You want the entire campaign to be about either Gingrich’s grandiose daydreams, or about Rick Santorum’s pursuit of the unauthorized use of the penis? One guy wants to be Caesar Augustus and the other one wants to be Pius IX. Is that really what you want?

…So, yeah, I’m not going to be what the Bible-bangers want. You know why? Because there aren’t enough of them to win the election, and I’m sick of throwing good money after bad trying to win the hearts and the not-entirely-functioning minds of a bunch of people who see Jesus in their cereal bowls every morning. They can come along if they want to, but I’m not doing this born-again shuck-and-jive for their amusement any more. Why?

“Because I’m Mitt Romney, bitches, and I’m all you got left.”
http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/mitt-romney-campaign-plan-7346196?src=rss

[snooper2]

1. ROFL ROFL ROFL Fucking Hilarious

"I’m sick of throwing good money after bad trying to win the hearts and the not-entirely-functioning minds of a bunch of people who see Jesus in their cereal bowls every morning."

[BlueDemKev]

2. Love It! You know that's what Mitt WANTS to Say SOOOOO Badly.....

[starroute]

7. I don't see any sign he really wanted to say that

Last edited Thu Mar 15, 2012, 11:26 PM - Edit history (1)

I see Mitt as the snooty rich kid who never understood why nobody likes him and thinks that if he just panders enough and pretends to like everything the commoners like, he'll finally be accepted.

The vaguely-moderate positions he's held in the past are the attitudes of his class, not anything he's arrived at by careful thought and hard work, and he feels no personal attachment to them.

And he has no backbone, no ability to say anything that might make him unpopular with whatever group of people he's currently facing.

The article is funny because it presents what a more human replacement for Mitt might say to salvage the situation. But the present cyborg is incapable of saying any of that.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. Brilliant!

Santorum is "a sheet-sniffing, diaphragm-hunting male nun."

[russspeakeasy]

4. I had to stop reading a couple of times to wipe the laughing tears away.

Thanks for the great post..

[hifiguy]

5. Gads, I love Charlie Pierce's writing!

And if the Mittbot had any cojones, this is exactly what he would do. That is, of course a hypothetical based on the most absurd of assumptions.

[joeybee12]

6. Great! "...a diaphragm hunting male nun!"

KNR

[sinkingfeeling]

8. I love Charles Pierce!