General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsEnough of dumb jokes, here are some intellectual jokes
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know/** see the link for explanations
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Entropy: Shit breaks.
(From a Statics class): Shit don't move.
Newton's Third Law: Shit hits back.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, "A solution exists!", and heads back into his room.
clydefrand
(4,325 posts)what the heck is dumb?
crazylikafox
(2,762 posts)bemildred
(90,061 posts)A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to
her, and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde is tired, and just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines, and rolls over to the window to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and,
if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines, and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that, since his opponent
is a blonde, he will easily win the match, so he makes
another offer:
"Okay, how about this: "If you don't know the answer, you
pay me only $5, but, if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention, and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out
his laptop computer and searches all his references. He
taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net
and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to
no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally
gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get
back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Captain Stern
(2,201 posts)A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
bemildred
(90,061 posts)Egalitarian Thug
(12,448 posts)WinkyDink
(51,311 posts)lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)Demeter
(85,373 posts)That was the most awful pun I've ever encountered.
lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
Dave Barry, American humorist, Why Humor is Funny
Demeter
(85,373 posts)I love puns, but mine are usually situational...I can't remember them, but when Life hands me one on a silver platter....
penultimate
(1,110 posts)sarisataka
(18,770 posts)but I'm going to steal it
Android3.14
(5,402 posts)Those who understand binary and those who do not.
JEFF9K
(1,935 posts)"3" kinds of people would be funnier than "10." Maybe it's that "brevity is the soul of wit" thing.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)JEFF9K
(1,935 posts)... such as in "binary thinking." "Binary" when referring to numbering systems is only the #3 definition in my dictionary.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)Bottom line, you didn't get the joke, so you didn't understand binary.
JEFF9K
(1,935 posts)"Binary," in a political sense, nearly always refers to binary thinking, which is a hallmark of conservatives, who dumb-down the many shades of gray into black and white.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)I know exactly what you mean about binary thinking amongst conservatives and fight that battle every day at work. However, that doesn't have anything to do with the joke.
Maybe you'll like this one better:
There are two type of people in the world:
Those able to make inferences from incomplete information.
JEFF9K
(1,935 posts)... also comedy writing.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)Fail.
Springslips
(533 posts)10 is 2 in binary. 00, 01, 10.
hughee99
(16,113 posts)"10" makes the statement accurate. Those who know binary will understand the joke, those that don't will not.
geckosfeet
(9,644 posts)But if you look at the statement, it's not a joke. Certainly not funny. More of a geeky "look how clever I am" kind of play on words.
hughee99
(16,113 posts)I'm not saying 10 is funny, but 3 is not funny or clever. I don't understand how it would work better.
If the joke was "3 kinds of people, those that can count and those that can't" it works, but not for binary.
geckosfeet
(9,644 posts)And that has a tiny bit of humor - more than the original.
Android3.14
(5,402 posts)geckosfeet
(9,644 posts)hughee99
(16,113 posts)Why use a number at all?
geckosfeet
(9,644 posts)You could say "There are whale bone types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't", but it just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Consider these two statements:
"There are 3 (three) types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
"There are 10 (ten) types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
If one reads 10 as a "ten" instead of "two", the statement has the same nonsensical character as reading 3 as "three". IMO the second half of the statement, "those who understand binary and those who don't" does not make sense in the context of ten or three types of people, but does make sense on it's own. Similarly, the first half of the statement makes sense on its own, but when used as a pre-amble for the second half of the statement its meaning becomes obscured and cannot be resolved.
"There are whale bone types of people in the world" does not make sense in any context.
The entire statement does makes sense if one reads 10 as "two".
"There are 10 (two) types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
hootinholler
(26,449 posts)JEFF9K
(1,935 posts)... where all you need to get a laugh is to say "Kardashian," "Miley Cyrus," "Obamacare," ...
albino65
(484 posts)Now my head hurts
randome
(34,845 posts)[hr][font color="blue"][center]TECT in the name of the Representative approves of this post.[/center][/font][hr]
JohnnyRingo
(18,641 posts)She steps up to the bar and coyly asks the good looking man working there for a strong drink and an innuendo, so the bartender gave it to her.
Burma Jones
(11,760 posts)The Mechanical Engineer says, "Open the Hood, I'm sure something's broken"
The Electrical Engineer says, "I'm certain there's a short or a disconnected line somewhere"
The Fluid Engineer says, "We're probably out of gas or oil or something."
The Software Engineer says. "If we all get out of the car and then get back in again, that will probably do the trick."
flamingdem
(39,321 posts)Nevernose
(13,081 posts)The diphthong.
Demeter
(85,373 posts)flamingdem
(39,321 posts)Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
pangaia
(24,324 posts)penultimate
(1,110 posts)Codeine
(25,586 posts)etherealtruth
(22,165 posts)Very funny
lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)smiling AND grinning over here
ananda
(28,876 posts)One spring morning Descartes was strolling in a suburb of Paris.
A local tavern owner recognized him and asked, "Would you honor me by tasting the new excellent wine I just received....
.... I think not, said Descartes, and disappeared.
pinboy3niner
(53,339 posts)ananda
(28,876 posts)Schopenhauer simply stated that - to live is to want, to want is to suffer, so suffering is the essence of existence.
Sarah Palin stated that: to live is to shoot, to shoot is to refudiate, so refudiation is the essence of existence.
Ernest Partridge
(135 posts)The bartender asks, "hey buddy, ya want a beer"
Rene Descartes replies, "I think not."
And vanishes.
JimboBillyBubbaBob
(1,389 posts)I have some folks who will be reading these! Hahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...............
Major Nikon
(36,827 posts)"Donno"
A herring
"But a herring isn't Red!"
I painted it red
"But a herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
I hung it on the wall
"But a herring doesn't whistle!"
That was just to confuse you.
krispos42
(49,445 posts)She says "Go to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband returns with 12 gallons of milk.
senseandsensibility
(17,130 posts)NuclearDem
(16,184 posts)Vattel
(9,289 posts)An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. Ill come back tomorrow. And he left the philosophers to deliberate.
Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldnt count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask What is the best question to ask?, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.
Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question? Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angels return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving. And then he disappeared.
Democracyinkind
(4,015 posts)jazzimov
(1,456 posts)flew from his home in New Zealand to Australia. The Australian Customs Agent asked him "do you have a criminal record?"
My friend asked in reply, "Do you still need one?"
He claims that he still doesn't understand why he was sent for a body cavity search.
(True story!)
NuclearDem
(16,184 posts)A Red Army soldier goes running through camp shouting "The political commissar is a moron!"
He's sentenced to 26 years in the gulag--one for insulting a superior, and 25 for revealing state secrets.
Junkdrawer
(27,993 posts)A tachyon enters a bar
FarCenter
(19,429 posts)A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "
DreamGypsy
(2,252 posts)"And what comedian configured the region between our legsan entertainment complex built around a sewage system?"
from his book Death By Black Hole, p. 360
eridani
(51,907 posts)Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
doc03
(35,364 posts)Jim Lane
(11,175 posts)How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. He assigns the task to six Californians, thus reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
How many Zen monks does it take to change a light bulb?
When I first heard this joke, the answer given was two -- one to change the bulb and one not to change the bulb. IMO, however, the correct answer is four -- one to change the bulb, one not to change the bulb, one to both change and not-change the bulb, and one to neither change nor not-change the bulb.
malaise
(269,157 posts)Blue_Tires
(55,445 posts)A HERETIC I AM
(24,377 posts)when they come up on a foursome playing VERY slowly.
They flag down the course marshal and complain about the pace of play.
"Take it easy fellas" says the marshal. "Those are four firemen who saved our clubhouse from burning down last year. Unfortunately, they were all blinded by the flames so we let them play for free. Just have some patience, please."
Well, our 3-some is now feeling a bit embarrassed. The doctor says "That is horrible. You know, I have some friends at the state university who are doing groundbreaking work on sight restoration. I'll get them to check these guys and perhaps get them their sight back."
The Lawyer says "Oh my, that is just horrible. I'll get my friends on the state bar association to set up a fund to pay for any therapy they might need as well as education for their children."
The engineer says....
"Why can't they play at night?"
William Seger
(10,779 posts)A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.