Mitch McConnell introduces Republican's Latest Issue for 2012

[MineralMan]

Last edited Wed Mar 7, 2012, 05:00 PM - Edit history (1)

http://www.newsyoucantbelieve.com

Is Masturbation the Next Big Issue for the GOP?

by B. A. Kloughn

In a speech made by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week in Bowling Green, Kentucky, hints of a new strategy for Republicans in their flagging battle for American minds and hearts have emerged. With the dismal failure of their anti-contraception campaign, Republicans are searching for new avenues to explore in their quest to make social issues the central issues of the 2012 campaign season. Since the GOP has nothing to offer on more serious issues, such as jobs and the economy, it's clear that they need "sexy" issues of a social nature to recapture some semblance of a chance to hold their precarious control of Congress.

Speaking to a gathering of Southern Baptist preachers and members of the Sexual Prudes of America, McConnell opened with these words:

Tonight, I want to talk to all you good folks about something that is rapidly destroying the young people of America. It's a subject that doesn't come up often in conversation, but is hidden behind closed doors. That subject is masturbation, and I'm beginning a campaign to rid our God-fearing nation of it. The liberals and socialists want to teach this subject in our schools and encourage it among the young people in our nation. We must put a stop to this, and I pledge that I and my Republican colleagues in the Senate, along with my good Republican friends in the House will be enacting specific legislation that will restore our nation to the purity and innocence that it seemingly has never had.



The innocence of our youth is being destroyed by filthy self-abuse. Even our daughters are falling under the Satan-inspired evils of this scourge on humanity. It must end, my fellow Americans, and it must end now! Join me in the fight to preserve the purity and sanctity of our God-given sexuality and reserve that for the procreative purposes for which it was intended.

Let me tell you: I've been doing extensive research into the subject of masturbation. I've actually seen hundreds of videos of young women in the throes of captivity to this evil practice. I've seen the expressions on their faces. I'm sure there are videos of young men doing the same thing, but I'd never lower myself to view such filth. I can imagine it clearly, I assure you, and emphatically deplore it without having to watch such disgusting behavior.

McConnell's speech went on in that vein for over 45 minutes, and was received with gasps and furtive fidgeting among the audience. Is this the Republicans' new secret strategy? Can it overcome the weary apathy of Republican voters? We shall see...

more at link...

[unblock]

1. what else do they expect the long-term unemployed to do with themselves?

c'mon, leave 'em SOMEthing!

[Angry Dragon]

2. Do you have a working link??

Let me tell you: I've been doing extensive research into the subject of masturbation. I've actually seen hundreds of videos of young women in the throes of captivity to this evil practice.

This is the money quote..........

[MineralMan]

4. That link works as well as it possibly can, I think.

But, I did fix it so it's an actual link. Sorry.

[Angry Dragon]

8. thanks

I keep on getting error

[MineralMan]

19. Well, you can keep trying. It could be that

Anonymous or some other organization has hacked that site, I suppose. Pesky hackers!

But, the meat of the article is included in my OP. You can't beat that.

[markpkessinger]

11. The link is not valid -- it just takes you to a page of suggested links n/t

[MineralMan]

18. Hmm...maybe that site is overloaded right now.

I consider newsyouwontbelieve.com to be as reliable a source as can be found sometimes.

[lector]

3. I am

willing to bet he had more wood watching than he has ever had his entire life.

[Major Hogwash]

5. They're spinning the wheel now, looking for anything that might stick.

Around and around it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.

It's "Operation Chaos" all over again.

[MineralMan]

6. The wheels of the bus go 'round and 'round. nt

[wandy]

7. Once again. Is it republican or is it satire? ....

You could tell if it was 'Live or Memorix'.
Of late with repub ravings jou just don't know.

[MineralMan]

12. It's always hard to tell, with Republicans.

I have a lot of trouble with that.

[wandy]

22. Ha! But if it isn't satire. Wait till Limpballs get on board! I'll need a whole op for the jokes.

[MineralMan]

23. Well, if it isn't satire,

I'll be a monkey's uncle, for sure. No...wait...scratch that. The Republicans are going to do away with all that Satanic evolution stuff, too.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

9. Is joke, yes?

[MineralMan]

13. Well, it's no laughing matter,

I can tell you, sadly.

[Brother Buzz]

10. I'm running with another theory

Turtles are angry because they can't masturbate.

[MineralMan]

16. Now, don't bring the amphibians into this, please.

They have enough problems of their own to deal with, I think.

[thelordofhell]

14. There goes the internet vote

[MineralMan]

17. Mitch has great expertise with the Internet.

I hear he's online most of the time these days, doing research into this.

[bongbong]

45. He's second in the repig research hierarchy in this area

Number 1, by a HUGE, HUGE margin is Uncle Sleepy, AKA Clarence Thomas. He researches so much Internet porn that he uses his SCOTUS chair to catch up on his sleep (this last part is absolutely true, BTW).

[dynasaw]

15. Yeah Mitch, With "purity and innocence" you'll be moving on to

"cleansing" as well we presume. (sarcasm)

[deacon]

20. The janitors in D.C. must be getting tired of sweeping up all of the loose screws. n/t

[MineralMan]

21. Loose Screws? The GOP will soon put an end to that kind of

language, I can tell you, young man!

[demosincebirth]

24. I googled the Author and it lead me back to this page. I'm kind of skepticle about this article

[MineralMan]

25. I have to admire your persistence in checking this article out.

Few people would follow those clues that diligently, I'm sure.

[OregonBlue]

26. Don't get sucked in. It may be what he really thinks but I assume this is either a joke or an

attempt to point out how gullible lefties are. At least I hope that's what it is. LOL.

[MineralMan]

27. Hmm...are you calling me a sucker?

I'll have you know...

[HillWilliam]

28. Well, Mitch, I'll give it up

when YOU do.

Man-Turtle hybrid freak.

[jillan]

29. Maybe Mitch should do it more often and maybe he wouldn't be so dam uptight all the time.

[MineralMan]

30. Yabbut, you know how those Republicans are...

always accusing people of doing the things they're doing themselves. It's a pattern with Republicans. Remember that Appalacian Trail incident? Uff da!

[JNelson6563]

31. lolz

Funny stuff!

Julie--who knows a party made up entirely of wankers will never outlaw wanking

[MineralMan]

35. Y'all are too clever by half...

[B Calm]

32. Hell I thought it would be the Brownies are promoting

homosexuality and abortions.

[MineralMan]

36. Just you leave those youngsters alone!

Brownies...I never...

[hifiguy]

33. This has to be from The Onion.

I don't think Yertle would make this speech. FrothyMix, yes, Yertle no.

[MineralMan]

34. Well, I can assure you that it's not from the Onion,

That weak sister of satire...that obelisk to the obvious...that ubiquitously unfunny rag...

This is straight from http://www.newsyoucantbelieve.com - the only true satire outlet on the Interwebs.

Why, I've never been so insulted...

[backscatter712]

37. I see Poe's Law at work again... n/t

[MineralMan]

39. And that's the beauty of it.

Even with obvious clues, Poe's Law applies.

[LynneSin]

38. Maybe he heard about the vote done by the Wilmington DE City Council....

http://articles.philly.com/2012-03-04/news/31121640_1_resolution-sperm-personhood

Wilmington resolution urges 'equal rights' for sperm


The Wilmington City Council has gone on record urging the U.S. and Delaware governments to confer the "rights of personhood" on each and every human sperm.

In a resolution, the council declared: "Laws should be enacted by all legislative bodies in the United States to promote equal representation, and should potentially include laws in defense of 'personhood,' forbidding every man from destroying his semen."

The resolution passed, 8-4, Thursday night.

Loretta Walsh, the councilwoman who introduced the resolution, told the Wilmington News Journal: "What's good for the gander is good for the goose."

Walsh last month protested a Virginia bill to require women to have an intrusive trans-vaginal ultrasound before having an abortion, according to DelawareOnline.com.

She told the paper and website that the resolution was a "tongue-in-cheek" way of focusing attention on what she called the hypocrisy of men dictating health decisions affecting women's bodies.

Think about it - everytime a man jerks off it's like the equivelent of the holocaust that he's killing

( )

[MineralMan]

40. I don't think that's what Mitch has in mind, really.

In reality, I don't think I want to know what's going on in Mitch McConnell's mind. Nope...not interested...a little scared.

[longship]

41. You've been had

Sorry bout that. Just another example of the Poe's law.

It's brilliant nonetheless.

[MineralMan]

42. How have I been had, do you think?

Someone may have been had, but it wasn't me, I think... Thanks for the compliment, though.

[Ruby the Liberal]

44. Yep. This isn't even quasi believable.

I'll wait for the transcript and/or video.

[Ruby the Liberal]

43. Not buying this one, sorry.

Maybe some who have never heard of McTurtle will run with it, but this isn't something he is going to (i) lead with, much less (ii) take such a rather descriptive supporting approach to.

[MineralMan]

46. Well, I had no intention of charging for it anyhow.

All of my satirical writing is free and placed in the public domain. The writing I do for money is serious, accurate, and informative. In each case, the price is right.

[cloudbase]

47. Just ask Elaine.

I mean, being married to Mitch and whatnot. . .

[MineralMan]

48. Ask Elaine what, if I may ask?

It's not called the "secret vice" for no reason, you know.

[bluestate10]

49. Republican leaders want to get laughed off the planet.

I can't wait for the jackoff debates.

[lunatica]

50. Everyone in that audience went home to wash their image of him masturbating

out of their brains with clorox.

I think I'll go do that myself right now...

[Snarkoleptic]

51. They've launched the first salvo in the war against the Dutch Rudder.