I had a personally staggering, explosive weekend - in a good way. Wanted to share. Adoptees note.

[calimary]

I wanted to share this especially with you - all my brothers and sisters here in DU whom I've come to love and care about. I'm an adoptee. And I wonder if anybody else here is an adoptee and has done this or is thinking about doing this, or is hesitant about it. I would love to tell you anything and everything I know about this unique journey.

This past weekend was HUGE, for me personally. I know I'll be working on it and processing it for a LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG time. I've always known I was adopted. My adoptive parents never kept that from me. When I was little, that's where I thought babies came from. You simply went to the baby store or some such thing, and picked one out!

A few years ago, and after the last of our own family elders (parents and in-laws) had died. I finally got up the courage to set a search in motion (had to hire an adoption detective that was recommended by a longtime girlfriend and former classmate who is also adopted and used this woman to help her find a biological sister). It took awhile. Long story short - my birth mother is long gone. But her five - FIVE (!!!!!!) children survive her and have families and my two sisters and I have been in touch for a couple of years now, and we FINALLY met Friday night. I spent the weekend in the Upper Midwest. Met all five of 'em. AND I met one of my biological mother's surviving sisters, who'll be 80 this December. I WAS an only child (more or less, but that's another long story). And now I'm the eldest of SIX. I went from having a very small nuclear family to having a large, sprawling one that spreads throughout the Midwest and elsewhere, and I'm having some serious difficulty keeping track of everyone I met and everyone's names in the extended family and all the people I want to keep actively in my life now!

STUNNING! Just a drop-dead AMAZING, MIND-BLOWING weekend! I'm so NOT used to thinking in these terms. My best friend since we were in fourth grade is all I've had as far as anything close to a "sister." Now I add two more blood-ones. All we did all weekend was hug and talk and eat and get choked up. I got no sleep. As soon as I'd start dozing off to my book and then turn out the light, my eyes would pop open and I'd lie there and my head would be spinning. I still have a hard time believing it happened on this Monday morning back in California. Shit - did that really happen? My son's home for just a couple of days from tour, and he just drank in EVERY detail. My husband wanted to know all about it - he's been very supportive on this journey. My daughter who doesn't live in California anymore is fascinated by it and wants to hear all the details, so I'll be on the phone with her for awhile later today! This is the kind of thing you can't do in a five- or ten-minute phone call. My best friend and formerly "only" "sister" wants to hear all about it.

All weekend we were staring into each other's faces. I used to go to family dinners with my husband - his family - and I'd find myself studying their faces, scanning all their features, noticing chins repeating through three generations, and eye color that was consistent throughout the room. And all the while keenly aware that I couldn't do that from my side of things. I had nothing to offer or to bring to the table. No medical history that was worth anything, to advise or alert my children. Zip.

And now I do. I'm gonna be thinking about this for probably the rest of my life. And I have a sense of belonging I never even understood - for the first time in 60 years.

Just wanted to share that with you guys. 'Cause in one very special way, YOU are part of my family, too.

[Harmony Blue]

1. This is just amazing

what a beautiful feeling!

[calimary]

4. It's just turning my head inside out and upside down. In a good way, of course.

All we did all weekend was talk, cry, hug, eat, talk some more, and get choked up. I'm just SO not used to this. Not used to thinking in these terms. I've lived for, well, 58 years - which is how old I was when I got the results of my search - being wired a different way, and having grown up in a completely different reality. When the adoption specialist linked us up a couple of years back, my two sisters were completely open to it. But they cautioned that their (our) three younger brothers were skeptical and hesitant and even a little troubled by this. Well, why not? This was a secret our mother (and I have to keep practicing saying it that way - OUR mother, MINE, TOO!) took to her grave.

And it really got us all thinking more deeply about the whole idea of The Taboo. And just how ridiculously powerful that can be. Back in our mother's day, this was something you Just. Did. NOT. Talk. About. Not in polite company, heck - not in ANY company. You denied it, didn't share it, didn't speak of it, kept it in the closet - where it was presumed to belong. Similarly, personal predicaments like this weren't ever something you'd seek help for. Heaven forbid you'd seek counseling or go talk to someone professionally like a therapist or psychologist or something. I mean - what would the neighbors think? We got this really strong sense of sympathy toward this older generation and how they felt so strongly that they had to keep all this a secret, hold it in, lock it away, keep it hush-hush.

[CoffeeCat]

2. That's awesome!

I'm an adoptee too, and I can only imagine how wonderful this is.

I am estranged from my adopted family--because my parents were horrendously abusive. So, really--I have no family. I have always been afraid to search, because I was afraid to upset my adoptive mother. I didn't want her to know that I was raised by wolves. It certainly wasn't her fault.

I imagine that she has passed on. My adoptive parents told me that she had other children. I imagine that I do have brothers and sisters out there.

It would be nice to find them, as my brothers and sisters have all disowned me, because I spoke out against the raging abuses in our family. I tried to help them, even offer to pay for therapy. They are all very messed up--eating disorders, suicide attempts, alcoholism, loads of denial.

I didn't mean to hijack your amazing news with my sobby story, but you've given me something to think about. I have two teenage daughters who have no grandparents (both on my husband's side have passed) and no uncles/aunts/cousins on my side. It would be lovely to expand their circle too!

I think it's terrific that you have found your siblings. You must feel like a completely different person with an expanded world! No matter how much you know yourself--when you find blood relatives like that--you learn more. Your world and your personal history is made bigger. And there's more love too! That's really amazing.

I am very happy for you, and I wish you nothing but the best with these newfound siblings and relatives.

Thanks for your post!

[Marrah_G]

9. If you ever want to look, pm me

I'd be happy to help.

I found a mother, sister, brother, ten aunts and uncles, grandfather and tons of cousins.

[calimary]

11. NO no no no no no no no you did NOT hijack anything here! Shit, CoffeeCat, that is PART of it!!!!

Gotta tell you, and this is momentarily shocking to say until you get the next sentence in afterwards. I know. I saw it in people's faces this weekend - because my next-oldest sister held an open house in my honor for all their friends and neighbors with whom they grew up and people who knew their (oops - my) family for years and years and who would be MOST interested in this. The house was full of people who wanted to meet me and hear my story and how my journey finally led me there. During the first phone conversation I ever had with my next-oldest sister, one of the things she told me straight off was that "you should know there's cancer in our family." And my reaction was - um - well, I was THRILLED to hear this! Yeah, I know I know, WTF?

But I WAS thrilled to hear this. I was thrilled to hear ANYTHING. ANY such information. ANYTHING. SOMETHING. Even just a little bit - even a little bit was a whole lot more than I had before! I finally had SOME biological information, after all these years, about what was REALLY my background and my genetic inheritance. Previously, I had NOTHING. I couldn't look at my adoptive mother with her congenitally-enlarged heart, or her high blood pressure, or her arthritis, or her bad teeth, or anything else, or my adoptive father with his late-onset diabetes and polyps in the colon and heart condition and believe that I should be on the lookout for any such symptoms or manifestations in my own later life. I didn't know WHAT to look for or what to expect or what to do specific preventive care for, or anything. Now I do!

Sounds to me like you're an especially great candidate for this. Sounds like you need to find REAL family. If you're like me, you probably chose, or even appointed some "family" members. I appointed the little old lady next door as my grandmother when I was a little kid. 'Cause I didn't have one. My best friend since we were in 4th grade was the closest thing I had to a sister. I still consider her one, and my kids consider her kids cousins. Again - because this is pretty much all we had. If you ever wanna talk further about it, please message me!

[CoffeeCat]

37. I am so happy for you...

....and that makes sense about being relieved to know ANY biological history. Question marks are worse than solid facts, even if the information is not all glowing. AT least you now know and you can be armed with the truth!

This is so wonderful, and I can tell this is a big turning point in your life.

Enjoy the love. Enjoy these new relationships and all of the joy that they will bring to you and your family.

((((big hugs))) to you!

[Alameda]

65. I am not an adoptee, but I was separated from my mother at the age of 5

I knew she had other children a new husband It sort of drove me crazy not knowing if I could have been sitting next to one of them. Then I didn't know how she looked all those many years later. She was about 25 last time I saw her. When I was 27 I found her and all the other "brothers" and "sisters". It's been a can of worms. I would advise you to proceed with extreme caution.

[sheshe2]

3. I am so happy for you, calimary!

It sounds to me like your feet aren't touching the floor yet.

Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing.

[calimary]

38. Nope! Not touching the floor yet. Don't know if they ever really will, completely, ever again.

It just BLEW. MY. MIND.

The first thing we did, the three of us, at the airport at the bottom of the escalator (well, after hugging and crying, that is), was to apologize to each other because we realized we were all just gonna be staring at each other all weekend, peering into each other's faces, searching for common features. Both my sisters have relatively low-pitched voices, as I do. That struck me immediately when I was first talking to them on the phone. It's just such a little thing. But it was just huge for me!

And Saturday when all those people were over, every now and then one of them would blurt out - "OH! Yeah - I SEE it!" 'Cause they'd be looking closely at me from the side, and suddenly they'd see the common trait or feature or shape of eye or brow or even chin a little. And I'd want to hear all about it!

[Jackpine Radical]

5. A lovely story; I'm very happy for you.

Although I'm not adopted, I have a personal history that makes me particularly receptive to your experiences. I'm an only child, and both my parents were dead by the time I was 21. I had a couple of old uncles on my father's side, both without children, and was quite estranged from everyone on my mother's side (for a number of reasons irrelevant to the present discussion). So I was very much alone in the world. I have 3 college degrees, and I didn't even bother to go to any of the graduation ceremonies. When I married--quite late, age 43, the only representative from my family was a cousin from my father's side.

About 5 years ago, while fooling with a genealogy site, I found some distant relatives. They had been out of touch with my immediately family since 1910. I had always known that a branch of the family had emigrated to Canada when my paternal grandfather came to Wisconsin, but beyond that I knew nothing about them. Anyway, we got in touch via email, and maintain the contact today. I also discovered relatives on my paternal grandmother's side, and went out to see them for a family reunion a few years ago. My wife & I took Amtrak out to Washington State for the reunion. Of course some of this latter bunch are Teabag types, but I just ignore that aspect of the situation, & maintain contact with both the liberal and the insane relatives.

I find that just having made these connections has given me a sense of grounding that I haven't known in almost 50 years.

[calimary]

13. Shoot, that is SO true, Jackpine Radical! SO true. That sense of grounding.

I SO get that. I always felt so isolated. Like this little capsule in amidst a whole lot of other connectivity that didn't include me. I'd look at our two kids, who funny enough both share my semi-rare blood type, and I would get choked up over the thought that these are the ONLY two people on the face of the earth to whom I have a biological connection. Well, not anymore! When we hugged for the last time at the airport yesterday afternoon, sure enough, we got choked up AGAIN for about the 87th time that weekend, and I told them "it took 60 years to find you - well, technically 58 (got the results of the search two years ago)." And we laughed and kept crying. I wanna go back! I know we'll see more of each other 'cause I'm gonna make sure of it, even if it's only once or twice a year. Probably gonna be mostly me traveling back where they are because there are FIVE of them. Shit - I still can't believe that. FIVE of them. A lot easier for just me to come to them rather than all of them having to coordinate schedules and families and work and stuff to get the time off to come out here to SoCal to see me. Although I would certainly love that! None of them ever made a trip out to crazy California. They had questions about everything and I had answers about everything. I told my story about nine or ten times. We took all these photos.

And we discovered that "the eyes have it". We all have the same shape and setting and color of eyes. Brown and deep-set, and they turn slightly downward at both corners. Basically we have no upper eyelids. Well, actually we DO. But they're hard to see. The brow bone comes down too low to allow you to see any.

[panader0]

6. How very cool for you calimary.

Now you have more birthdays to remember, etc.

[Marrah_G]

7. I've been there

It's an amazing and overwhelming feeling.

[calimary]

14. That's gotta be the understatement of a lifetime, Marrah_G!

I was just overwhelmed! Can't remember all the names of the extended family. All the extra and separate occasions and new babies - the oldest of my three brothers (HAH! STILL younger than me! Bow down to your elder, you! LOL) is the first to be a grandparent, as of just a few months ago. A nephew took delivery on the keys to his first house on Saturday, the day after our first big family dinner. My older sister organized it. Well, she's the previous oldest sibling, and she's still the eldest of the five of them even though she's five years younger than I am - how do you even express that? What's the proper word or terminology for it?

Yeah. Overwhelming. Man is THAT ever true!

[Marrah_G]

49. She is your little sister :)

I have an aunt my age and two uncles that are younger

[LoisB]

8. Fantastic! Very happy for you (and your siblings).

[calimary]

17. Hah! Siblings! Hard to believe! I'm still wrapping my brain around that one.

I have siblings. I'm so unaccustomed even to THINKING in those terms. And it's even just totally different - the knowing they exist, and then SEEING them in the flesh. Meeting them. Hearing their voices. Hugging them and feeling their touch and their breathing and their embrace. Smelling their cologne or perfume. Holding their hands, squeezing their arms, crying on their shoulders and feeling their tears on mine. It's just doin' my head, I'll tell ya. Never had a sense of that, how that feels, what that feels like, just stunning. Stunning, stunning, stunning.

[MicaelS]

10. Wonderful story. Best wishes to you. n/t

[calimary]

33. Thanks! YIKES I have so many notes to write, and addresses to collect.

And names and relationships to memorize now.

As "problems" go, this is a FABULOUS problem to have!

[Thor_MN]

85. Contgrats!!! Sounds like you need some family tree software

It would help keep things sorted and organized. Address lists, birthday calendars, let the software hold it until you have it memorized.

[B2G]

12. I found my birth family 10 years ago

Words cannot describe the experience. We have reunions at least once a year...my daughter and I attend my birth niece's wedding last month.

I am so happy for you. Don't be surprised if you find yourself with conflicting emotions. I was pretty overwhelmed for a long time with trying to deal with so many new relationships at once...to the point where I disconnected from them for a bit, but they understood and it's all good now. Take it slow and take care of yourself first.

[Wilms]

15. Wow!

That is wonderful!



And I don't often use bouncing frogs. But, Wow!

[calimary]

46. I'm not just in the mood to use bouncing frogs - I feel like I AM a bouncing frog today!

[Wilms]

75. .

[Blue_In_AK]

16. I'm on the opposite end of that equation.

I had a son that I gave up for adoption shortly after his birth in 1966. Of course, everything was very hush-hush back in those days, and it would probably be hard to unseal those records, but every year when his birthday rolls around, I wonder about him, where he is, what he's doing.

I may never do anything about it, but I do love your story.

[calimary]

32. I think it depends on which state you're talking about.

I was born in Missouri. Missouri is a closed state. By now I think they've relaxes a few of those restrictions but not all. Really, all I ever hoped for was to know my medical history. And secondarily, I was curious about what they look like. And who I look like. And prying information out of there was difficult, and kind of expensive.

Funny enough, the younger of my two sisters has a birthday one day earlier than mine. Different year, of course. But evidently my due date was on that date (different year of course). A comment I heard a lot all weekend was a version of "I wonder if our mother thought about that every year - on your younger sister's birthday, which originally was to have been the same day of that same month that YOUR birthday was."

Just as an adoptee, Blue_In_AK, I would suspect that your son does think about you and wonder the same things about you - where you are, what you're doing, maybe wondering if you're still around. And as to if you'd ever do anything about that, you have to take that step when and if YOU are ready to. It took me YEARS to get up the courage. Even after my adoptive mother died. I still didn't do anything about it straight away. What can I say? It's that ol' guilt thing. I was afraid even to attempt anything while she was still alive because I was pretty sure she'd take it personally and get all messed up along the lines of "we weren't good enough for you? How COULD you, oh your dad would be crushed etc etc etc." And there'd probably be all kinds of sturm und drang. So I sat on it. AND there was the added fear of getting one's hopes up. What if I went through all that, on my own, OR with professional assistance, and didn't find anything? What if the trail led to a dead end? Would I be heartbroken? What would I feel like? What if I was never allowed to know? It's funky enough already not knowing. And I went through all kinds of feelings of annoyance, anger, resentment toward the state of Missouri, indignant that they had the nerve to keep this from me. WHY couldn't I know? WHO or WHAT were they trying to protect? And if that person is long dead, so what? What's it to ya? If they're dead, why does it still matter to keep it locked away from me. Why is that being kept from me? Why was that STILL being kept from me? Why can't I know? I felt like I'm entitled to that information. I felt it was my birthright. It was my right to know. That information is MINE and belongs to me and I deserve to have it. I deserve at the very least - to know, and to have that information. And I felt strongly that they had no right to keep it from me.

It was a struggle. I was always curious. To varying degrees throughout my life. Sometimes less, sometimes more. When I had a lump in my breast in college and went to the student med center and they handed me a form to fill out - "did your mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts, etc, have any..." Well, I could never answer those questions. I spent a lifetime filling that line in with N/A. Not Applicable. And every time I had to do so, it made me increasingly mad. Now I DO know. And better yet, I have people I can ask. There was breast cancer and kidney cancer and my biological mother died of pancreatic cancer - indeed, snuffed out rather quickly after it was detected in her. They scarcely had time to prepare or come to grips with it. Two weeks and she was gone.

And as I grew older and had children, I felt an increasing sense of obligation to find out - if not for me, for THEM. Finally have answers. FINALLY.

Whatever you decide - is what you should so. Whatever speaks to you and calls to you. If it's something you're at peace with, now, well, that's okay too!

[Blue_In_AK]

59. The state was Texas,

and I'm fairly certain that it would be a closed state, as well. There was so much secrecy that we were given fake names at the unwed mothers' home...our parents were even instructed to address our mail to the fake name. (I was Eva Logan, in case anyone out there "knows" me. . Wouldn't THAT be something?).

[shraby]

18. For you calimary!

[nadinbrzezinski]

19. Kudos, and good for you

congrats on the new (original) family.

[toby jo]

20. So, not sure what you're saying, but what I'm hearing is:

'I found out I have midwestern biological family and now I feel rooted'. (Ohio girl here - we're not so bad after all, eh?)

Seriously - you put it so well, joy jumps off the page - good for you . A neighbor recently found her birth mom and her life has taken multiple turns for the better. It's been heartwarming to watch. I'll bet your mom thought about you every day. I'll even bet that joy transcends into where she is now.

Of course, being a midwestern woman, she would have known about the finer things of life.....

[calimary]

45. Mainly I found out I have honest-to-God family, in the biological sense.

And I do feel rooted. Moreso than ever before. I always felt this weird sense of being artificially grafted-on, before now. There's this sense of belonging that I never really had. Til now. And then to discover that my initially-reticent brothers came around and have embraced me too - and the oldest brother's wife, too. And their daughter called during the Friday night dinner and wanted to say hello to me as well. Funny enough - she, my niece, and I have the same birthday! That one won't be hard to remember, certainly!

[vanlassie]

21. Wonderful!!!

Congratulations!

[SharonAnn]

22. We recently found a new cousin when she contacted my aunt, her birth mother.

Back in 1947, she was unmarried and gave her child up for adoption. That was a scandal at the time.

Fast forward, she contacted her mother 8 years ago who was thrilled to hear from her. All of a sudden Kathy (my adopted cousin) had 4 brothers, 28 cousins, 2 living uncles and a birth mother! We were all excited about this, though none of us had known about the adoption. Now that Kathy is retired, she and her husband travel a lot in their RV and are making connections with the cousins as they reach the parts of the country where we live.

My aunt had lived with us during her pregnancy and delivery, but I was 2 at the time and only vaguely remembered her visit. Certainly didn't understand pregnancy and babies at that time, much less adoption.

Such a happy ending for all of us. We're thrilled to have Kathy in our family.

[Still Blue in PDX]

23. That is so wonderful!

I found out when I was 28 that my parents weren't my parents. It was a weird sensation finding that out as an adult.

My niece put up a new picture of her daughter on her Facebook page and I was stunned by how much she looks like my mom, and I was thinking how odd it is that none of my kids look like her. Then I remembered they aren't related to her, since I wasn't related to her! Such a weird experience to have your "roots" jerked out from under you.

I can imagine how exciting it is to find that connection.

[Rex]

24. ((calimary))

Thank you for sharing that with the rest of your DU family! That just made my day reading about your weekend! Fabulous turn of events! I am so happy for you!

[unionthug777]

25. i know that feeling !!!!

i was adopted. to meet your biological family is HUGE !!!! lots of emotions for sure.

congratulations !!!!!!!

[calimary]

35. Shit, unionthug777 - I'm starting to be a mess all over again, just reading this.

I shared here when my mom died, and the responses just overwhelmed me with emotion and love and wonder and deep affection. I couldn't believe how loving and supportive people were here. Yet again now. Hell, even songs like "Amazing Grace" take on an even bigger significance - "I once was lost and now I'm found..." and all that. I won't soon get over all this.

DU is just the best. I'm so grateful you guys are part of my extended family. I share all my political anger and venting with you. Seems only fitting to include some of the really good stuff too!

[redstatebluegirl]

26. Wonderful Story!

Enjoy your new family!

[arthritisR_US]

27. How wonderful, the beauty in life :)

[monmouth3]

28. Oh calimary, what a wonderful story and you told it so beautifully. I agree with you, your life

is never going to be the same again. This is awesome..

[calimary]

99. Thanks, monmouth3!

Yeah, all I've done since I got back from there has been think about them or text with them or send a thank-you note or two. I still need to collect addresses and sort out whose phone number on my text messages is whose. I DEFINITELY want to keep the dialogue going!

[LibertyLover]

29. That is wonderful -

congratulations. I am the mother of an internationally adopted daughter. Unfortunately, unless China institutes DNA analysis of all its people, there is no way my little girl will ever get to meet her birth family. We have been told by adoption experts that it is very possible our daughter has at least one sister still living in China and perhaps at least one brother, with maybe more sisters in orphanages or adopted either in-country or out-country. It's a sobering and disturbing thought and one which I have not discussed with her as I feel she is too young. However, that does not in any way dim your good news. I hope you have many more years of getting to know and love your family.

[aquart]

84. Have you seen the ads for 23andMe? DNA testing?

They're growing their database and one of the things they do is let you know if you have family among the people they've tested. Since you suspect there might be a sister here, your daughter may want to consider joining that database.

(My test kit just arrived and I'm eyeing it nervously.)

[LibDemAlways]

30. I loved reading your story. How wonderful

for you. You can now no doubt put together puzzle pieces that have been missing for a very long time.

As an aside, I so enjoyed your reference to the "baby store." When my (biological) daughter was a toddler she loved my story about the baby store and how I picked her out from all the babies because she was the cutest. I even threw in that the checker had to scan her little bottom and she wasn't on sale, but I didn't mind because she was so worth it. Thanks for conjuring up a good memory!!

[calimary]

44. Yeah, they just always were fully open about that. From the very earliest I can remember.

It was always one of those "...and we picked YOU!!!!!!!" And it just seemed all kind of okay for a long time. One way, I suppose, to make sure the kid feels special, that's for sure. It did make me feel that way when I was very little. They'd tell me that as a bedtime story quite often. I'm glad they did. At first, I thought EVERYBODY got started that way.

[LittleGirl]

31. Not exactly adopted

but I found my grandparents' relatives in Italy and when I met some of them, there are so many, it was the same rush of excitement. I couldn't sleep. All I wanted to do was talk to them, study their faces and listen to them. Of course, language was an issue but somehow we figured it out. Luckily, they know more english than I do Italian.

So very happy to hear this story! Peace.

[calimary]

93. YEAH! No kidding, LittleGirl! That was one of the first things we said to each other at the

airport when they came to pick me up. Several versions of "you'll have to forgive me, all I'm gonna be doing is staring at you all weekend"! And we DID! But we also talked and talked and ate and ate and hugged and hugged and got choked up and then got choked up yet again. I kept thinking about high school biology class and Gregor Mendel's peas! I'd just scan their faces again and again. Just sucking it all up! And when we all went to dinner, and all my brothers and sisters were there, and some of their kids, I just kept looking and looking and looking, wishing I had a Xerox machine in my brain. We took lots of photos and everybody was passing their iPhones around to show the shots they'd just taken. It was WAY too brief. I'm so eager to get to know them more!

[LittleGirl]

98. That's exactly how I'd describe it

That makes me smile. Peace.

[UtahLib]

34. Your joy and excitement is oozing from the page.

As I recall, you were the first person to generously and sincerely welcome me to the DU family. A person, such as yourself, with such a considerate and caring heart deserves to reap what you sow and I am so very happy for you.

[calimary]

94. BIG hugs to you, UtahLib! Glad you're here!

Funny - in a small way, we all were foundlings, finding our way here in the political sense, at least. But as you can see there's so much more to this place than just that!

[onlyadream]

36. Just wondering

Are your siblings full or half?

[calimary]

40. Half. There was only information about the mother in the paperwork we received.

But the elderly aunt who was there on Saturday filled in a few blanks. She talked about how it all made sense from where she stood. My birth mother was about a year-and-a-half older, and she remembered noticing how her sister seemed to be gaining some weight in her stomach, and then had to buy a larger uniform for her job, and then how their mom took her away on a "trip" for about a week, just the two of them, and that nothing was ever said or explained and "don't ask any questions" and "mind your own business" and "never mind" and a whole bunch of other "answers" like that. She said she suspected what happened, but never wanted to broach the subject and never asked. Probably knew she wouldn't get any answers.

And all that did was reinforce, for me, just the insanely strong power of that old stupid taboo. How powerful it was. I've thought about that for a long time. Amazing, the powerful grip of societal taboos. How stifling. How suffocating! That a mother couldn't even confide in her own daughters - that it couldn't even be talked about or spoken about or discussed or dealt with as a family. The shame that was involved, and feared. There was so much of it back then. The old "nice people don't..." - either don't talk that way or do that thing or whatever.

[onlyadream]

86. I have a friend

I have a friend that was adopted, and also grew up as an only child. In her 40s she found her birth mother and five other half sisters. It was a great thing for her because one sister was very similar to her, and they are very good friends now. Some of the other sisters resented my friend because their lives were difficult, and they felt that she was spared by being put up for adoption.

In any case, what an awesome thing to suddenly be a part of a large family. Congratulations!

[OneGrassRoot]

39. Dang....you have me in tears!!!!

GOOD TEARS!!!!

I AM SO THRILLED FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!

[calimary]

41. Hug you!!!

[rurallib]

42. it's like you played "Let's Make a Deal" and you picked the right door

and now you have a whole new life.

[calimary]

95. Yeah! Seriously!

This was Door Number ONE-derful!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

43. Wow!!

How cool, Calimary! Happiness here for you!

[vankuria]

47. Very happy for you!

[handmade34]

48. hugs to you calimary...

I am one of those on the other end of the equation… everyone has a story and your's is wonderful!!


(I have a fine relationship with my daughter now)

[markpkessinger]

50. Amazing story! One question concerning medical histories . . .

. . . I'm not familiar with all of the ins and outs of adoption law. But it seems to me that, at a very minimum, those giving up children for adoption should be required to disclose complete (or as complete as may be possible) medical histories that would be given to adoptive parents (and then to the adoptees themselves when they became of age). Are there any laws at all concerning this? It would seem to me to be a matter of ethical fairness to adoptees.

And again, thank you for sharing your heart-warming, wonderful story of meeting your family members~

[pnwmom]

55. I doubt there are laws like that, having been on the other side

of an adoption (my daughter and her husband adopted). Many of the birth mothers are young and/or estranged from their families and/or don't come from the kind of middle class families where people share information like this. Although it was an open adoption, most of the openness was on my daughter's end -- so the birth mother knows much more about the child's adoptive parents than they know about her.

[klyon]

51. That is so cool. We are really happy for you.

Best to you and your family in the future, you deserve all good things.
Love ya

[calimary]

96. Love you too, klyon!

My family just expanded beyond all imagining! So unexpected! Much love to you as well.

[lunatica]

52. Well you made me cry

I always choke up when families unite or reunite after long journeys like these. It's so damn touching!

And yet my family basically fell apart many years ago, and I think that was for the best for all of us. My sister became a born again Christian who hates gay people because she thinks God is jealous and angry. Who wants to live with that?

But a definite congratulations to you!! I hope it becomes a real family for you and for your kids!

[Enthusiast]

53. K&R. This is a very cool development.......nt

[pnwmom]

54. Someday we're going to be on the other end of that kind of story.

I have an adopted grandchild who couldn't be more loved. It was an open adoption but so far the birth mother is keeping the door shut. My daughter and her husband will support whatever relationship the birth mother and the child decide to have in the future . . . but we have no idea if or when that will take place. (Or what kind of person the mother is. Due to the circumstances, she knows much more about the adoptive parents than they do about her. The only contact now is through an agency.)

I am so happy that your life has made this wonderful turn into a fuller future, calimary! Best of luck on your continuing journey!

[Skittles]

56. happy for you calimary!!!

[Rebellious Republican]

57. "YOU are part of my family, too".

You have been a part of mine all these years, always enjoy your posts, accept when I disagree.

Hope you still mange to find time for us here, however would understand if you became less involved. Maybe you can convince some of your new found family to join us.

[noiretextatique]

58. congratulations!!!! my college roommate was adopted

and met her birth mom and half-sister when about 10 years ago. i am so excited and happy for you

[appacom]

60. Thanks for sharing. Your joy is infectious.

I'm still smiling, and, though I don't know you, very happy for you.

[ScreamingMeemie]

61. Thank you for sharing...

*sniffle* Beautiful story.

[BanzaiBonnie]

62. Ahhhh, you made me tear up with happiness for you

I have a sweet friend in Nebraska. She grew up without a father. Her mother knew who he was, but would never tell. My friend says she just has this hole in her life. While I personally have not lived that, I understand from her perspective how it has haunted her.

So glad you have this exciting chapter in front of you.

[DrewFlorida]

63. Congratulations to you!

[AmBlue]

64. calimary, I'm so happy for you!!

That is such wonderful news. I cannot imagine the joy you must feel. Congratulations!

[SaveOurDemocracy]

66. calimary, soooo happy for you!

[Liberal_in_LA]

67. amazing.

I'm glad it turned out well for you.

[annabanana]

68. My DEAR Calimary!

How wonderful. I hope sometime you'll treat us to some family photos.

So much to learn and savor.

[Omaha Steve]

69. My first born was adopted out (I know just what you went through)

Posts from late December 2007.

Along time ago before I met and married Marta, I had a relationship with another teenager. From that relationship an unmarried couple produced a child. Because of our very young age and circumstances, that child was placed in the care of an adoption agency. Always wondering what ever happened. Always knowing it was the right decision for the best of the child. 8-9 months after her birth, her mother and I broke up. Her dad would not allow us to see each other.

A phone call a few weeks ago let me know my daughter was in contact with her birth mother. My oldest daughter's name is Bobbi. She is in town and visiting her birth mom today. I will see her for only the second time in 30+ years tomorrow. I will touch her for the first time ever. My other children have known about her since they were teenagers. I'm nervous. I'm thinking of surprising her with some stupid sentiment. She was born in a Salvation Army Hospital. Because of that, I have never past a Christmas kettle without putting in something, no matter our families circumstances. Is it dumb to throw some change in a kettle with her tomorrow? Wish me luck. I'll be back online sometime Sunday afternoon.

Warmest regards,

OS

And

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. Bobbi was freshening up when we arrived. I was out in the kitchen when somebody tapped me on my back. I knew who it was and turned slowly around. A quick smile followed by a very long hug. After photos with her birth mom's family, I took Bobbi straight to a Salvation Army kettle. Marta stayed in the car. After telling Bobbi why we were there she had a glowing smile. I didn't tell Marta what we were doing until later. Now you know why I asked for advice about the kettle.

We brought Bobbi by to see our house. Out came the photo albums and an exchange of presents. Bobbi gave me a figurine of a father & daughter sitting next to each other. I will cherish it always. We gave her a butterfly necklace.

Off to Madison's birthday party. Our youngest daughter Beanie and her husband Aaron were already there. Our son Steve, his wife Lilly, and my mom came in about 10 minutes later. Another 10 minutes and Krissy's husband Sean's parents arrived. A wonderful night of stories and photos to fill in all the blanks we've had for so many years. Our daughter Krissy was cooking and Bobbi went right to the kitchen to help. It was as if Bobbi had always been in our family. On the plane ride in Bobbi was talking to the people around her about why she was coming to Omaha. It was right out of the wedding singer scene at the end. My mom told Bobbi of how she cried for days on end until she had no more tears when the decision was made for Bobbi to be adopted out. Future visits are already being discussed.

Today breakfast with both sides of her extended family. Unfortunately our granddaughter Bobbi can't be there. It is her weekend with her mom, so the two Bobbies won't get the chance to meet yet. I'm sure we will still have plenty to talk about. Then off to the airport to see her off this afternoon. I probably won't get photos online until at least tomorrow. It might take me a day or two to get up to speed on the DU again. Thanks to all my friends here for the encouragement and advice.

Warmest regards,

OS

[joanbarnes]

70. I sometimes take my big, raucous family for granted. Thank you for your insight.

[calimary]

71. Hey, can I just say thank you to everybody here?

This is my second thread ever that made it into the "Trending Now" list on the Home page! Thank you so much, guys!!!!

Shit, I spend so much time venting here and sounding off and yapping about this and complaining about that, and you tolerate it with such grace and patience. So NOW I am just plain ol' happy and dumbfounded and spending a whole day pondering a really profound event in my life. And I wanted to share that with you, too. We commiserate together all too often about negative stuff. But fortunately there are reasons to celebrate, also! It's an honor to toss this ball around with you.

And I am LOVING reading the other stories in this thread! I didn't know there were so many of us adoptees here! Thank you for sharing YOUR stories - all so touching and inspiring.

[LiberalAndProud]

72. Thank you for sharing this wonderful, happy event in your life.

Thanks so much for sharing your joy.

((calimary))

[WilliamPitt]

73. (((HUG)))

[greatlaurel]

74. What a great story

So happy for you.

[calimary]

92. Welcome to DU, greatlaurel!

Glad you're here! I'm still dumbfounded. I've read about these stories for many years but it took dozens of years to gather up the courage to do something about it in my own case. I guess I was always afraid of failure - afraid that, well, starting a search, getting one's hopes up, and what if I couldn't find anything? What if my search led me to a dead end? I will say this - anybody who would try this, I'd recommend getting professional help.

This woman, this "adoption specialist" with whom I contracted, was recommended to me by a longtime close friend whom I trusted, and she sure was happy with her results. I even tried to search, initially, by myself, and I got back this thick envelope of paperwork from the state of Missouri, and it was frustrating and daunting and I didn't know how to fill a lot of it out, and didn't know anybody in the state government, and it was scary - especially since I frankly expected to fail. You get to that big hard door that's shut in your face - "...it's a closed state" - and it's a hurdle that's put in your way that I think is meant to seem so formidable so maybe searchers will be discouraged and go away, and the secrets remain safe. But heck, those who needed such "protection" may be long gone, and if YOU are the one who's left standing there, and you still want to find answers, well, I'm just so grateful there were options like these.

I hope my journey will encourage somebody else here, or elsewhere, who's hesitant but longing for answers, and may just be fearful that they'll come up empty-handed. Maybe, just maybe, you WON'T!!!

[elleng]

76. Thanks and great to hear, calimary.

My husband (separated since '06, and recently deceased) and his 4 siblings were adopted, and now our daughters (or one of the 2, at least) is looking for his family. It appears that others of his siblings have found their birth families. Will be interesting to see if she finds them.

Best

[SheilaT]

77. What a wonderful story!

I have two cousins who are adopted. Even though I've always known they were adopted, I've always thought of them as every bit as much my cousins as the "biological" ones. Okay, so they looked a little different from the rest of us. Big deal. One did eventually seek out her birth mother, and I don't think the meeting was a good one, but I don't know many details. She has since passed away.

The other, her brother, so far as I know has never been interested in finding his birth parents. That's his decision.

I also married a man whose oldest brother and only sister were adopted. To me, adoption is just an alternative way of forming a family.

Again, I'm so very glad you've made this connection.

[IGoToDU]

78. AWESOME!!!

I am SO happy for you!!!!!!

[calimary]

97. Welcome to DU, IGoToDU!

Great to have you with us! I'm so glad to have you with ME in this thread! Love your screen name! I was thinking about DU and how, in one way, it was a minor metaphor for how I felt for such a long time. I discovered this place early in the bush/cheney years. In a different way, I felt so isolated. So alone. And finding this site gave me a place of camaraderie and connectivity - I met others who felt exactly the same disconnected, disenfranchised way I did. Glad you're here! In a small way, seems to me, we're all foundlings here.

[seabeyond]

79. what a wonderful story. i am so so happy for you. nt

[me b zola]

80. Congratulations!

I identified with everything that you wrote. Growing up I knew I needed to know but I never would have guessed how deep that need is/was. I found my mother early this year just months before my fiftieth birthday. Its a strange mixture of being overwhelmed and at peace all at the same time. I'm about as complete as I'm going to be, and its a good feeling. I've always been a square peg in a world of round holes, but not anymore. I found answers to questions that I didn't know that I had.


I'm so very happy for you.

[Hekate]

81. Blessings. I'm so happy for you.

[Ferretherder]

82. Welcome to your new world...

...and with enough time left to enjoy it for years to come!

Good for you, girl.

[aquart]

83. This was pure joy to read.

I am so happy for all of you.

[niyad]

87. so very happy for you--thank you for sharing this beautiful news with your DU family

[myrna minx]

88. Congratulations to you!

When my dear friend was in her 30's she found both of her birth parents. It appears that she was a love child of two people who loved each other but were too young and weren't in the position to care for a child. They were all reunited for a get together and there was a still a spark there between the birth parents. My friend was able to forge a deep bond with her birth mom and even help her new found siblings care for her when her birth mom succumbed to breast cancer. It was a profound experience for my friend as this is for you.

I'm so happy that you've found that deep connection with your birth family! What a wonderful gift!

[momrois]

89. Beautiful that it's worked out

The mayor of the very small town that I grew up in has chronicled the search for her biological dad. They found each other about 3 years ago, and it's such a wonderful, ongoing love story that it makes your heart ache for the time lost. I wish more of these stories had such fairy tale endings!

[polichick]

90. So wonderful - I'm thrilled for you! Thanks for sharing it with us.

[lucca18]

91. I am so truly happy for you!

Have a wonderful life with your big family!!!