A day in the life of the emptiest suit in Washington
By CARL HIAASEN — The Miami Herald
A day in the life of the emptiest suit in Washington:
7 a.m. You wake up, light a Camel. Read a pink Post-it left on the refrigerator by your wife: "John, don't ever forget, YOU REALLY ARE THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE !!! Also, we're out of bagels."
7:30 a.m. You lie in your tanning bed meditating about the government shutdown, wondering if it was such a brilliant idea to let it happen. You put on some Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon," but that doesn't help.
8:00 a.m. On the ride to Capitol Hill, your driver remarks that there's not much traffic in the city, no tourists lined up to see money being inked at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. You smoke another Camel.
8:11 a.m. From the car you call the police to report that some jerk on D Street is selling "Boehner is a Bum" T-shirts - no, wait, he's giving them away! Worse, he's wearing a national park ranger's uniform.
9:07 a.m. Staff meeting. The assistant in charge of reading all your hate mail insists she's not crying, it's just allergies.
......................................
2:15 pm. You cancel the daily session with your charisma coach and go to the driving range to hit a bucket of balls. Out of nowhere comes a thundering downpour!
Turns out you didn't receive the storm alert on your cell phone due to layoffs at the weather service caused by the you-know-what, that you yourself allowed to happen.
You stub out your Camel, go back to the office and sulk.
4:00 p.m. Your regular afternoon blame-Obama-for-everything sound bite is postponed because the assistant in charge of making sure you're never photographed with Ted Cruz has spotted the lunatic Texan roaming the halls.
5:45 p.m. Quick trip to the tanning bed, then moisturize.
You're preparing for a live interview with Diane Sawyer, who is way better looking than those stiffs on Fox. The producer says Diane's going to remind you that you're the one person who could stop the government shutdown tomorrow, if you wanted to.
Suddenly you remember a dentist appointment.
6:30 pm. On the ride home you phone the NSA and ask if someone could please hack the Google site and remove all the mean stuff being written about you. Unfortunately, the hacker in charge of that department has just been furloughed.
So you light up another Camel, and call Harry Reid.
Read the rest of Boehner's Day: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2013/10/07/204486/carl-hiaasen-boehners-empty-suit.html#storylink=cpy
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