Dismissive Statements

[me b zola]

by: Sister Wish

~snip~

The purpose of dismissive statements is to individualize the experience and deny any link to a larger group feeling.



Guess what?



Adoptees feel loss.

Adoptees feel grief.

Adoptees feel pain.



There. I said it. I generalized.

I have spent a lot – A LOT – of time reading, learning, hearing and just taking in what adoptees write and say. There is a chorus of voices. I am justified in making some generalizations.

You go spend no less than 8 – 10 hours (sometimes more) every day hearing what adoptees say with no judgments, no thinking about what you want to say. Just listen. Then come back and tell me how wrong I am in making these generalizations.





I have honestly hit a wall on being dismissed. Not only for myself, but also for my fellow educated, well spoken, honest, selfless adoptee friends. We speak to you. We want you to listen.

But if you find that you just cannot hear us at all, please do not dismiss us.

Dismiss yourself from the conversation.
~~~~

much more @ link, please read:
http://www.sisterwish.com/dismissive-statements/#comment-6130

Please also read the comments on the blog site. This is not my blog nor anyone that I personally know, just someone else who shares a similar background and feelings.

[kestrel91316]

1. WTF did DUers do wrong NOW?????????????????

Can we please have a little context so we know what we have done that is so awful?

[me b zola]

2. ? Is you post supposed to be humorous?

The context is the post itself, that/how adoptees are marginalized and dismissed with common replies meant to hush us from speaking about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences on adoption.

[kestrel91316]

3. No. It just sounds like it is a response to something somebody here might have said that

managed to offend somebody else.

Your OP just doesn't make any sense to me coming straight out of the blue. What on earth provoked it??

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. I'm throwing this response of mine out there for consideration perhaps...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=3778904


And, on edit, it appears I was right...

[me b zola]

5. So the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of adoptees are "a slap in the face to adoptive parents"?

Yeah, this post was directed toward people whom hold those archaic thoughts. "Win-Win" my ass. You clearly are putting the desires of adoptive parents ahead of those whom you insist that you are "helping".

Simply disgusting.

[ScreamingMeemie]

6. Really? I am?

No, I was giving voice to the fact that a child can have a decent life with an adoptive parent. Sometimes it's okay to admit you've read too much into something.

Also, please DO NOT speak for all of us in adoptive situations.

Thank you.

[me b zola]

9. Please read the link that I included...

[maddezmom]

8. Wow as an adoptee and adopter of 2 great kids

Your post makes me really sad. In my situation it was a win-win but yes there is pain and many questions that haunt me to this day. I know my kids are in the right place for them at this time. If they ever want to meet their first mom's I would encourage it.

[me b zola]

10. Yeah...you...please read the link that I provided...

There seems to be no smiley for a broken heart...

[pnwmom]

19. Actually it appears you were wrong.

It is no slap in the face to my daughter to recognize that her adoptive daughter experienced a loss of her birth mother that will always be a part of who she is. Some amount of scarring will remain, and to recognize this is not disparaging to my daughter.

[me b zola]

22. Thank you for speaking up

I in no way nor manner am disrespecting my adoptive parents. My experience is mine and I need to share what I live to keep others living. Suicide is much higher in the adoptee community compared to non-adoptees. During my pre-adolescence and early teen years I was very much suicidal. But for grace I would have been dead. We need to allow people to speak their truths, and this is mine.

[pnwmom]

24. I read a great deal about this in my daughter's path toward adoption.

My daughter and I have faced the fact that the baby she adopted would have experienced a pain that couldn't be papered over, even if she were adopted from the hospital, as my granddaughter was.

I respect the depth of your feelings and I know how very real your pain is. It's just that it feels to me as if you go too far sometimes, when it seems you are saying that all non-family adoptions are human trafficking. My daughter only found out about her baby when she was born, and the birth mother had already decided to give her up. The mother received no payment for doing so; she just told the nurses that she had firmly made the decision, and was given information about adoption-approved parents she could consider.

[Isoldeblue]

7. I didn't see it at all like you did

I think your remark was completely out of line and an asinine assumption of
me b zola's OP.

It doesn't take a genius long to see that it was a post concerning a sensitive matter, where adoptees feel marginalized. Much like what you actually did..........

[JI7]

12. the OP is opposed to all adoptions

[me b zola]

16. I am opposed to human trafficking

If a mother or father is unable to parent their child, I have no problem with a family member "adopting" that child, as long as their are no secrets and lies involved with it.

[JI7]

17. but you mostly post about Adoption, not human trafficking

[me b zola]

20. Most adoption is nothing more than human trafficking

Sorry if this hurts your feelings. Imagine what adoptees feel like...oh wait...you seem to not give a shit...

[pnwmom]

21. Not all adoptions involving non-family members involve human trafficking.

Some birth mothers, for instance, those with men who are not the father, prefer to have their baby adopted outside of the family.

[me b zola]

11. ...ahoy there!...

But if you find that you just cannot hear us at all, please do not dismiss us.

Dismiss yourself from the conversation.

[JI7]

13. i know many people who were adopted and are happy and don't really have interest in bio parents

[me b zola]

14. Oh my...

Adoption Series Part 1 - Bitter Truths

There has been so many stories about adoption and its issues in the news lately that I thought it was time to discuss the issues surrounding it. Depending on who you talk to, Adoption is either a tale of rainbows and unicorns, or a tale of abuse and atrocity. The reality is... its both, depending on who you talk to.

~

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/09/29/1242457/-Adoption-Series-Part-1-Bitter-Truths

Anywhoos... the link that I provided in the OP is working. Perhaps if you were to read it you may have something to offer to the conversation...

[JI7]

15. the same goes for non adopted homes

[me b zola]

18. I can only speak as a woman who was stripped of her name, identity, national origin, and ethnicity

Problems happen everywhere, but I must insist that we quit the practice of removing children from their identities and pretending that it is in the best interest of the child. Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Period.

[pnwmom]

25. International adoptions can be especially problematic.

It is difficult if not impossible to verify the circumstances of the baby's birth. That's why my daughter and her husband chose to have an open adoption here, with the amount of contact decided by the birth mother (and later, by my granddaughter.)

Because of some tragic cases where children as old as four were removed from loving, adoptive homes, some adoptive parents like the idea of having the birth parents far away, where they will be less likely to interfere with the child in the future. But I don't think that's fair to the child.

[me b zola]

26. because we are all in this together, thank you

Thank you for understanding the needs of the child are not synomynous with the needs of the adoptive parent. This point cannot be made strongly enough.

Peace and well wishes to you and your family

[pnwmom]

27. You're welcome, m b zola!

Actually, I don't think the needs of any child are the same as the needs of their parents. This is something all parents should keep in mind, but it's especially important with adoptive children.

We're going to do our best with our little one to help her figure out her place in the world, without preconceptions based on what our own talents and interests are. And I hope she'll always feel loved, by us and by the mother who felt she couldn't keep her. That's the best we can do.

I hope you find love and a good place in the world. And thank you for helping to educate people like me.

[me b zola]

28. At fifty years old, I have found a good place in this life...

I will always love my aparents! But life is often larger than the outlines that we are first given.

I so want thank you for loving your adoptive loved one enough to give her the space to find herself w/o judgment! It is such an important thing to be allowed this space...




Much love and peace to you, pnwmom,

me

[pnwmom]

23. This: "it's both, depending on who you talk to" makes sense to me. n/t