U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash
[div class=excerpt style=background:#AFEEEE]U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash
News • government • News • ISSUE 49•40 • Oct 2, 2013
WASHINGTON—Claiming that this could be America’s “big chance at big money,” the Department of the Treasury announced Wednesday that the country was poised to enter a bonus financial quarter worth double the cash.
At an afternoon press event, Treasury Secretary Jacob “Jackie” Lew, clad in a sequined blazer and a tie adorned with a large dollar sign, confirmed that the economy’s performance in Q3 had qualified American markets for the so-called Bonanza Quarter, a special three-month “cavalcade of cold hard cash” during which U.S. corporations and households would have the opportunity to double their income, double their assets, and “move up the big board.”
“Great to be back with you again—I’m Jackie Lew and I have some exciting news for American financial markets: That’s right, it’s once again time for a fiscal bonanza!” said the neatly coiffed cabinet official and host of the popular series Financial Quarters as an array of lights flashed on the podium around him. “Of course, in the Bonanza Quarter, the economic rules are the same but the financial values are doubled, allowing you to earn twice the cash twice as fast. And as always, all FICA and Medicare withholdings have been eliminated so you can rack up those pre-tax dollars even quicker.”
“Now, America, what’s it going to be?” Lew continued, speaking into a long, slender handheld microphone as a ticking clock sound effect began playing over the briefing room’s address system. “You can either keep your accrued earnings from Q1, Q2, and Q3, or you can put your luck on the line and go double or nothing in one fast-paced, high-stakes fiscal blowout.”
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-treasury-announces-bonus-financial-quarter-wort,34076/
At this point... might as well. 
