I'm heartbroken: Dick Van Dyke confesses to Zodiac killings

[WI_DEM]

I'll never be able to watch him fall over that ottoman again without a tear in my eye:

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern California more than four decades ago.

The 87-year-old actor, singer, comedian, and dancer, best known for his pioneering TV career and roles in films like Mary Poppins and Bye Bye Birdie, spoke at length with reporters about the ghoulish Bay Area execution-style murders, marveling at the fact that he was never caught.

“I am the Zodiac,” said Van Dyke, using the pseudonym of the man who claimed to have killed 37 people and once dared authorities to find him as he continued to “collect slaves for the afterlife.” “The murders, the taunting calls to the police, the letters, the cryptograms sent to local newspapers—that was all me. I just assumed someone would put the pieces together at some point, but I never got credit for any of it.”

Shaking his head, he added, “All those books about the Zodiac Killer, and not one mentions the eyewitness accounts of the murderer as a gangly, loose-limbed man with a toothy grin and a spring in his step who would whistle as he approached his victims, arms akimbo.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dick-van-dyke-finally-confesses-to-zodiac-killings,33318/

[louis-t]

1. Not the least bit funny.....

[Octafish]

5. +1

Some things aren't. Onion or no onion.

[joeybee12]

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

So is comedy, apparently...I smiled.

[trumad]

2. Oh Rob......

[cyberswede]

34. Ok...that made me giggle.

[dflprincess]

46. !

[Dr. Strange]

3. How did Matlock miss that?

[johnp3907]

4. Columbo nailed him when he killed his wife.

[LWolf]

6. .

I've loved him since childhood. I ran into him once in the 80s; we were walking along the same sidewalk in Marina Del Rey. I stopped suddenly, seeing him approach, and he grinned and winked as he passed by.

[LeftofObama]

7. Is he still alive?

[Freddie]

12. Yes, he's 87

And doing well from what I hear

[LeftofObama]

14. I'm glad he's alive and doing well.

I guess it's just been so long since I've heard anything about him I assumed he had died. I wish him well!

[tblue]

9. NO NO NO NO NO!!!

Don't spread rumors about him. He's a wonderful human being!!!

[madrchsod]

10. oh no!!!!! another hero of mine tarnished!

[zappaman]

11. I think the BFEE set him up.

I don't believe this story for a second!

[taterguy]

13. You need a satire alert

Some people might not realize this is a joke.

It is a joke right?

[burnodo]

15. "theonion" = satire

[taterguy]

20. Well excuse me for not knowing about every website

Must be nice to be all-knowing

[burnodo]

21. I'm not

the onion has been prominently featured on this site for years now, dude

[taterguy]

22. Well excuuuuuuuse me for not paying attention to the same things that you do

[burnodo]

23. Did you really think Dick Van Dyke was the Zodiac killer?

dude?

[taterguy]

29. Maybe I'm being satirical

But since I'm not labeling it you can't really be sure

[burnodo]

31. Nice try

But really. Total satire from the get go.

[Brigid]

33. Oh, come on.

You've been around here for how long and never heard of "The Onion?" It's true this is not funny, but the onion is well known around here for satire.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

37. Maybe not on a Fat Tire.

[duffyduff]

16. That IS NOT funny, and he could wind up suing them out of existence.

Claiming it is "satirical" isn't going to let that bunch off the hook.

[Babel_17]

35. The Larry Flynt defense

I'm only going by the movie but IIRC the defense for Larry Flynt successfully argued that if a claim was unbelievable then it was acceptable satire.

It's like how a cartoonist could show the Republicans throwing senior citizens into a machine that made Soylent Green.

[Rowdyboy]

17. I thought satire was supposed to be funny, or at least somewhat clever....

This is neither. Its just stupid. Epic fail for The Onion

[Fumesucker]

18. Meh.. If I understood what it was they were trying to satire it would probably be better

[Spirochete]

19. Wow, was i ever wrong!

I suspected Gabe Kaplan all these years...

[johnp3907]

24. Kaplan is guilty of much more serious crimes.

Welcome Back Kotter, for one.

[Spirochete]

25. I agree

but i think the statue of liberty has expired on that - and if not, his lawyer would just point to things like Webster, and Harry and the Hendersons, and ask why those people aren't on trial as well.

[Lithos]

26. Sounds like theonion jumped the shark

This is really stretching things.

[burnodo]

27. stretching?

oh my god

[jberryhill]

28. His real name was Penis Van Lesbian until he changed it

[Brigid]

30. Not funny.

Big swing and a miss on this one, Onion.

[REP]

32. Duh. Everyone knows it's Bob Newhart.

[hootinholler]

38. ROFL!

Perfect!

[backscatter712]

36. I hear a song coming on...

Chim-Chim-i-ney Chim-Chim-i-ney Chim-Chim-Cheroo,
I'm coming down your chimney and hunting for you!
Chim-Chim-i-ney Chim-Chim-i-ney Chim-Chim-Cheree,
When I am through you'll beg for death from me!

[KoKo]

39. Disgusting of the "Onion" to do this..!

[Vashta Nerada]

40. Horrible satire.

If you want to call it that.

[Raine]

41. I HATE the Onion, it's so STUPID! I can't believe people get paid

to come up with the garbage they put out!

[trumad]

42. Really---

Satire limited eh?

[MrMickeysMom]

43. Really? That's terrible...

We only get what's going on in this country through comedy's many faces... The Onion is right up there being great, along with the Daily Show, La Show (Harry Shearer radio program)... One of the best ways to reach subjects that ordinarily would fly over the unimaginative brain!

[Marrah_G]

44. The only disturbing thing about this post...

....are the responses to it.




I <3 the Onion

[dionysus]

45. i'm stunned that people are outraged over this obvious satire...

it's the fucking onion for christs sake.

[NuclearDem]

48. No kidding.

I love the "you tricked me and now I'm pissed" outrage though.

[Warren DeMontague]

47. I knew it!

No, wait, I'm sorry, uh... horrible joke and how! dare! they!

still....

[Gidney N Cloyd]

49. They can't all be gold, people.