Are You Monogamish?

[last1standing]

Last edited Tue Jul 23, 2013, 08:51 PM - Edit history (2)

Monogamish - Couples who are mostly monogamous and who are perceived to be monogamous but who aren't 100% monogamous. Such couples have an expressed understanding that allows for some amount of sexual contact outside the relationship.

Obviously, I don't expect too many people to vote in this poll but since more Anthony Weiner texts have popped up (excuse the pun), and since we don't really know what type of relationship he and his wife have agreed to, I thought people should know that not every relationship works the same.

VIVA LA DIFFERENCE!

7 votes, 1 pass | Time left: Unlimited
	Yes. My relationship with my partner is guided only by our agreements with each other and is not completely monogamous.
	3 (43%)
	No. My partner and I have never and will never want or need more than each other.
	4 (57%)
	Huh? It\\\'s none of your G** DAMNED Business whether I\\\'m monogomish or not!
	0 (0%)
	Hey! You forgot about the polyamorous! We exist, you know!
	0 (0%)
	Excuse me. I\\\'m asexual and would like to be heard as well!
	0 (0%)
	I\\\'m not going to fit into any catagory you\\\'ve got but I\\\'m here, I\\\'m different. Get Used To It!
	0 (0%)
	All of the above. Don\'t ask, it\'s complicated.
	0 (0%)
	1 DU member did not wish to select any of the options provided.
Show usernames Disclaimer: This is an Internet poll

[last1standing]

1. LOL! I figured this would sink.

But I thought at least a few might jump on for some righteous indignation, or at least a laugh.

[sarisataka]

2. I'm always up for righteous indignation

I DO WHAT I WANT, WHERE I WANT, WHEN I WANT WITH WHOM I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















when my wife lets me

[last1standing]

4. NO! YOU MUST DO AS I WANT, WHEN I WANT YOU TO DO IT!

Even if I don't personally know you or your wife you should follow my rules on how to work your relationship!

Gotta love the righteousness!




I would have used the smilie but that might be construed as supporting polygamy and we can't have that!

[loli phabay]

5. lol at the smilie reference, but your right about the thinking that anything different

Is wrong and must be attacked in some way. The sexual repression seems to be a non political thing and rather a i am right you are wrong thing.

[last1standing]

10. It does show that we liberals aren't necessarily as progressive as we think.

Many times we espouse a 'live and let live' ideology so long as it fits in with our own suppositions of what is right and wrong, especially when it comes to sexual preferences and orientations. Not too long ago (around 2004) many 'liberals' on this board were still arguing against marriage equality and even today you'll find many examples of transphobia here.

[loli phabay]

15. there is also a jealousy thing going as well, its like there must be sometjing wrong with me

Because im hot and enjoy sex and therefore because they are not i am wrong. I dont get that people dont understand that not everyone is into just one thing or person, that it is possible to be a very sexual person. Its like the thread where wieners wife is discussed, some think shes pretty, others like kucinich's wife better, i prefer the russian girl. We are all different and thats a good thing.

[loli phabay]

3. good poll, be interesting to see the results if everybody would participate

As long as we live within certain rules anything goes and does.

[last1standing]

9. Thanks. I can't imagine too many will answer the poll, though.

Imagine the answers (or lack thereof) if I asked whether anyone had ever cheated.

[Agschmid]

6. I'm single...

But was monogamous before and it was discussed.

[loli phabay]

7. question, if you where not single would you prefer monogamy or not

Perfectly understandable if you decline to answer. Thanks

[Agschmid]

8. I'm a one man kind of man...

I'm young though and I imagine preferences change over time? So far both my partners have been on the same page... I feel like it is something I would ask someone I wanted to date.

[last1standing]

11. If I could ask, what do you think of Anthony Weiner?

Also, I'd be interested to know your opinion of those who choose a monogamish relationship (not that we know whether Weiner and his wife are monogamish).

[Agschmid]

13. I think at this point...

He could probably make more money in porn than as mayor of NYC. He should still run if he wants to... it is up to the voting public.

Also I feel that as long as both parties know they are monogamousish and have some agreement on how not to pass on STD/STI then I've got no business passing judgement. The key there is the STD/STI part... As a gay man I am always incredibly afraid of diseases which are more prevalent in my community.

[last1standing]

16. From what I've read, married men who cheat are the worst carriers.

But I could have been reading bad info. Regardless, I agree with your comments.

[Agschmid]

18. But how many married men...

Cheat with men? It's somewhat prevalent IMO.

[last1standing]

21. Many married men (and women) cheat with both sexes.

I agree that if they were monogamish they could talk about how to avoid spreading diseases better.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. Monogamish - good word

I like it

[Agschmid]

14. I spelled it wrong but yes I like it.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. yes, it is a most excellent word.

[last1standing]

19. Dan Savage gets the credit for coining it.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=17272218

He has a lot of good insights, check him out.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. thanks for the link

[LadyHawkAZ]

20. This poll lacks a "polyamorous" option

for those of us who are 0% monogamous.

[last1standing]

23. You're absolutely right!

I think I've fixed it.

[LadyHawkAZ]

24. Thanks! Fixed my vote!

[Heddi]

25. I hate the term, but my husband and I are "swingers"

sometimes.

I hate the term "Swingers" because, to me, it brings to mind shirtless, hairy-chested 55 year old men with gold chains holding looking for a rub-down in the back room.

We're not techincally "polyamorous" because we're not "dating" other people or in love with another couple.

we just like to fuck other people. That's about the jist of it.

I'm bisexual, and my husband is okay with that, and I"m really okay that he's okay with that.

Everything we do involves the other. There are no "hall passes" where I can go out on my own or he can go on his own. This is OUR thing that WE do TOGETHER.

And we talk about it afterwards, have a little debreifing...what did we like, what didn't we like.

Before we moved out of state, there were a couple of couples that we got together with on a kind of regular basis. Not every weekend. Usually every couple of months. It was very casual.

We've now moved 3000 miles away and haven't sought out new friends yet, but that's okay, because this isn't THE thing we do, it's A thing we do.

That's why I don't like the term "swingers." To me, that's a lifestyle. This isn't our lifestyle. We don't go to clubs or have big gang-bangs. We find people we like, that we connect with,that we have a good time with and can converse with, and if there's a click, there's a click. If not, awesome, we had a great time, let's get drinks again sometime.

Despite having invited other people to our bed, I still consider us to be in a monogamous relationship. To me, monogamy isn't purely about sex, it's about giving a certain part of yourself to one person only. I'm not looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, he's not looking for a girlfriend. We're just looking to have a good time. There is a line that we will not cross, and I can't explain it, but it's the emotional bond we have with each other. That, to me, is monogamy. The secrets that I share with only him. The conversations we have because we're best friends and lovers. That doesn't go beyond us. That's monogamy, to me.

[last1standing]

26. I think you've described the monogamish perspective very well.

Despite having invited other people to our bed, I still consider us to be in a monogamous relationship. To me, monogamy isn't purely about sex, it's about giving a certain part of yourself to one person only. I'm not looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, he's not looking for a girlfriend. We're just looking to have a good time. There is a line that we will not cross, and I can't explain it, but it's the emotional bond we have with each other. That, to me, is monogamy. The secrets that I share with only him. The conversations we have because we're best friends and lovers. That doesn't go beyond us. That's monogamy, to me.

I didn't plan on this thread becoming very serious but some very cool posters like yourself have made it so. What I was trying to say, in a silly-assed way, is that we shouldn't try to judge another person's relationship, that is something only the other person, or persons, in that relationship has a right to do.

You just said it much better.

[loli phabay]

28. you missed the option of sexually ravenous on your poll if your taking requests

[last1standing]

29. Lol! I think that fits under the 'non-catagory' catagory.

n/t

[loli phabay]

30. lol im not so sure i want to be in with the uncool kids. ;)

[last1standing]

31. The sexually ravenous are never un-cool!

n/t

[loli phabay]

34. yeah but now im in the group who only have sex dressed as klingons

[last1standing]

40. I can't get it up without my Dr. Who scarf.

What's your point?

[loli phabay]

42. oh crap now im conflicted dr who sex hot klingon sex not

[last1standing]

44. It's all hot if you're doing it right.

And usually when you're doing it very wrong.

[loli phabay]

32. i agree this was a very cool reply, thats the thing with people who dont get it

They cant see that some couples are happy and enjoy other pursuits outside of what some think is normal. I dont know if its religious based, jealousy based or generational based.

[last1standing]

33. Probably a bit of all of the above along with other factors.

There's ignorance and groupthink to consider as well.

[Heddi]

35. that's just it...we're happy, and it works for us

I would never presume to tell anyone else how to be happy in their marriage/relationship/life because I only know how to be happy with and in mine.

We are so discreet because, the reality is, we would both lose our jobs if anyone we knew caught wind of our life choices. So when we meet people, which is usually through adult-themed dating sites, we have to use pseudonyms, make sure we don't know the people first, make sure we don't work in the same industry first...it's ridiculous.

I'm by no means claiming that our being closeted as "swingers/whatever" is in any way remotely the same as people who are closeted because they're gay...being married, I "pass as straight" and everyone assumes that I have missionary sex 2x's a year or whatever it is that unhappily married people do. So I'm closeted partially, but not in the way that GBLT'ers generally are.

I know when I have told friends about what we do, I've gotten some repulsion...uuugh! Ew. Nasty. Really? seriously? 2013 and people having good fun clean sex is uugh ew nasty?

And they can't say what's uugh ew nasty about it. Because these are generally pro-GBLT people, young (I'm 37, so my age or a few years younger) So it's not the girl-girl sex that's necessarily uugh ew nasty. It's not the boy-girl sex that's ug ew nasty. There's no boy-boy sex so that's not an issue. Is it because it's 3 or 4 instead of 2? There's nothing ugh ew nasty about that....unless you're in too-small of a space, then it's just assholes and elbows in everyone's face, and there's no fun in that.

I think that some people can't get their head around the fact that there is no jealousy. Again, no one is stepping out and being coy behind the other's back. WE're in this together. It's a turn-on for us. Maybe that's the ugh ew nasty part. That the idea that i'm okay seeing my ol' man doing the do with another chick is cool with me. Especially when she breaks me off a piece of that at the same time ha ha ha

[loli phabay]

37. pm sent, its okay its not an offer. lol

[Heddi]

38. I think it's a conversation that people should have

we're all adults.

We're pro GBLT rights.

I'm the B in GBLT. I happen to be married to a man. Big deal. That doesn't mean that I stopped liking the Vajin once I said my vows.

My husband and I do what makes us happy.

I've been told that being bisexual is being emotionally and sexually immature. THat being monogamish is being sexually and emotionally immature and insecure. WHAT? Insecure? I can tell you that you have to be pretty fucking secure in your marriage/relationship to be okay to see your wife or husband go down on another person. And make the faces they normally make with you. Or have something done and see a face that you've never been able to make them make, or a sound that you've never heard come from their gullet.

My husband and I have been togther for 16 years on Monday, married for 13 (Dating & wedding anniversary same date!). WE've never broken up, never split up.

We've only welcomed others to our bed since around 2010....pretty long into our relationship. And we're okay. It works for us. It doesn't work for everyone, but that's okay, too. As long as people are happy, and fulfilled, and doing what feels good to them, who am I to judge?

I have found that the people that give me the ugh ew nasty response when they find out about what we do are generally unhappy in their marriage, probably on their 2nd or 3rd, or have had a series of failed relationships. Maybe their ugh ew nasty is their internal response to their lackluster sex life and interpersonal relationship with others.

Because to me, the most Ugh Ew Nasty thing in life is to go through it unhappy, unfulfilled, and having no sense of entitlement to your own fantasies and wishes and living what is basically an unconsentual life.

fuck that.

[last1standing]

43. I'm Bi as well.

I've generally found that women who say they're bisexual are told they're doing it to attract a man while bi men, like myself, are doing it because we haven't come to terms with being gay, yet. Both are extremely ignorant beliefs but even worse is the idea that we are less faithful than our straight, or gay, counterparts.

Being monogamish means being faithful to the person(s) you're with on the level that really matters. I've always felt that the idea of only being able to have sex with one person to be prudish and restricting - for myself. I'm tied to my partner by our mutual love and respect, not by our genitals. Separating sex from love (which does not mean that there isn't a special connection to sex within love) has been very freeing for us.

[Heddi]

51. The question I have grown rather bored with is the 'so what, do you toss a coin in the morning?"

yes, because who I fuck, who I'm attracted to comes down to tossing a coin

I've seen it here on DU. People don't "get" bisexuality. I've seen the "do you toss a coin" or "do you just change day to day"...it's ignorance.

I have always been attracted to girls and boys. I remember in KINDERGARTEN for cryinoutloud having a crush on this boy Melvin (he had big hair) and a girl named Stephanie. She reminded me of bambi. I wanted to hold her hand SO BAD.

My first kiss was a girl
My first first base was a girl
my first second base was a girl
but I still liked boys.....what to do, what to do?

No, I don't toss a coin. I'm not confused. I'm actually quite aware of what I want and what i need in my life.

My husband could just have easily be my wife had he been a woman that I fell in love with. I'm lucky that, by being bisexual, I've not limited myself in whom I can fall in love with. The ultimate "open mindedness".

Oh...I'm sure you hear this..."I'm Bi-Curious"...o rly? Well i'm not interested in being your science experiment. You either like the idea of going down on someone of the same gender, or you don't. I have found that the "curiosity" normally lies with the male member of the heterosexual couple...he's "curious" if he can convince his gal to play out his hot lesbo porn fantasies. These girls don't want anything to do with my vagina. Nothing more erotic than getting head from someone who'd rather be eating a toad than...well, you know.

[last1standing]

52. It's amazing how many 'non-judgmental' people have problems with us.

They're only open-minded until you present an idea they haven't considered for themselves. I love it when guys are so disgusted by the idea of me doing the same thing they beg their girlfriends and wives to do. lol

As for 'bi-curious,' I've seen that go both ways (ahem). Sometimes they're seriously curious and sometimes they want to be a part of something cool and different. Either way doesn't bother me since I know who I am.

[loli phabay]

27. great description and good for you

[Heddi]

36. Thanks

Thanks for the positivity. I really appreciate it

[Yavin4]

39. Given the amount of cheating going on...

I just don't think that monogamy is realistic for most people.

[last1standing]

47. The statistics are somewhat grim for the monogamous lifestyle choice, aren't they?

When you consider that a certain percentage would never admit to cheating you have to wonder if there's ever been a completely monogamous couple. I'll admit that I cheated while in a previous relationship. I was unhappy, drunk, and had a thousand other excuses, but the honest answer is that I felt like I was cheating myself by trying to remain monogamous. It just wasn't me. In my current relationship we understand that both of us will sometimes want to experience other people and agree that's not a bad thing.

[madinmaryland]

41. HOLY SHIT!! Mitt Romney joined DU and voted for polygomous!!

[last1standing]

45. Actually, a very cool, honest DUer voted polygamous.

And I'm glad she brought it to my attention.

[loli phabay]

46. still lacking sexually ravenous imho

[last1standing]

48. Maybe that should be listed as "All of the above."

n/t

[loli phabay]

49. bingo now you get it

[last1standing]

50. lol! You got it.

Done.

[LadyHawkAZ]

53. "polyamorous"

Not polygamous. I have an allergy to marriage, any exposure makes me instantly break out in seven-year itch.