The bellyache of a teabagger
"Hi. I'm Frank, and I'm a Tea Party Patriot. I believe in a government so limited it can't interfere in my life choices.
"And ONLY my life choices.
"I was okay with it many years ago when the government decided homos didn't need rights. Hell, I thought it was great: any man who doesn't want to marry a woman and have lots of kids like a patriotic American does deserves everything he gets.
"And I was overjoyed when the government started cracking down on all those dope-smoking hippies. I'm not a hippie. I'll never be a hippie. And if any hippie doesn't want to look like me, work the same kind of job as me, and refuses to smoke cigarettes and drink booze like a patriotic American does, he deserves everything he gets.
"Then I found out the government was looking at my phone records to make sure I wasn't calling any terrorists. Hey! I'm a patriotic American, dammit, how dare the government come after me? So I wrote a letter to my congressman, and a letter to my senator, and a letter to the editor, and stood on a street corner with a sign that says 'Government Keep Your Hands Off Patriotic Americans!'
"While I was doing it, some guy named Martin Niemoller came up and kicked my ass so hard I have to take off my pants to answer the phone. Why would that dirty hippie do anything like that to a patriotic American?
"By the way, these pants are squeezing my head really hard, and it hurts. Can someone help me get them off?"
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