How to talk to little girls.
http://latinafatale.com/2011/07/21/how-to-talk-to-little-girls/Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”
But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
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This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s next top model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
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You know, the women that society, especially men, relegate to "invisible" and "to be ignored" status, unless they have somehow self-enhanced with enough plastic surgery, starvation and obsessive punishing workouts to gain them a few more years of "sex object" status.
I used to think how sad it is that we fail to respect and revere our elderly... But, in truth much of our society is even more superficial and harsh than that....
As a child, the only thing my mother cared about what how cute I was, how I was dressed, how I looked. What I thought or felt was never of any consequence. My mother herself was OBSESSED with weight and looks. She exhibited (Still does to this day) dysfunctional behaviours around food. One day we'd have a feast for dinner, the next nothing but raw vegetables because she was on a diet. Her and my dad would criticize MODELS on tv - how that one had a jiggly butt, that one had a gut on her...etc. Fat women were sneered at. My parents would wonder out loud, in front of their impressionable daughter, how on earth such repulsive creatures could be worthy of love from anyone. Weren't they simply disgusting?
As a teen, I was also obsessed with weight. As puberty hit, I found it more and more difficult to stay slender. My mom commented constantly about my weight gain. I started to skip meals, and exercise compulsively. My mom would praise me for losing weight and exercising, and put me down if she caught me eating junk food ("That's disgusting! How can you eat that? Gross! It's nothing but FAT. And you wonder why you're fat."
I managed to stay 'normal' size during my teen years, but just barely, even with all my dieting and exercise. When I met my now-ex husband, he was the first guy that didn't give a shit about my weight. He encouraged me to act normal around food, stop obsessing over every bite that went into my mouth.
I gained 60lbs in a year. Then became pregnant. I never managed to lose much weight after that. I had 3 more children, gaining more with each one. I found out I actually had a medical issue that made weight loss difficult - one that had been plaguing me since puberty. I am now obese. Then my ex left me and I realized that, once again, I was dealing with my weight issues - will anyone love me again? Am I even worthy of a boyfriend now?
My parents still, to this day, make comments to me. Their obsession with weight has ruined a big part of my life. I have no self worth. I know, intellectually, that I'm worthy of being desired and being loved despite my weight, but I'm not sure deep down I BELIEVE that. It was drilled into my head, from a young age, that fat women were simply disgusting, lazy pigs and no man should want them. Oddly enough, my maternal grandmother, who was the sweetest woman alive, was obese and my mother never said anything bad about her. It was strange.
With my girls, I have seen first hand how genetics work. My oldest daughter (16) is extremely slim. As a child she was downright skinny - almost sickly looking - despite having a huge appetite. My second daughter is 'thick' - and was right from day one. In fact, when you look at both of their 6 month old photos - my oldest is a skinny baby and my second is a fat, roly-poly baby. Both were breastfed exclusively at that point. My second daughter is very picky, doesn't eat much and is super active (a girl 'jock' if you will). And yet, my second daughter (13 yrs) outweighs my oldest by a good 30 lbs.
I don't comment about their weights. I try not to talk about my weight (except for when my mom says something and my girls pick up on it and ask me questions - then we have a talk about body imagine and so on). I try to focus on them, as people. What they like, what they feel. I won't lie - when they were younger I used to dress them up in cute clothes and take pictures because they were so cute (and I told them so) but I don't think I ever used the word 'pretty' - it was more 'cute' like you would squeal about a cute puppy.
My girls have healthy self esteems. They are much more self confident than I ever was. They aren't afraid to express their opinions, they don't care about peer pressure (I was a follower, and only worried about what people would think).
I know what I've done isn't enough - there's more I could've done. Honestly, until recently, I didn't give it much thought except that I knew I didn't want to be my mother. And even if I'd have done everything perfectly, these societal issues permeate everywhere, still. My daughters tell me about all the girls at school obsessed with weight and looks. Even my 10 year old has mentioned it. It's sad. When I go anywhere, I can feel stares from people who think I'm 'less than' (heck my own parents look at me that way). I don't know what the answer is. It's simply too pervasive at the moment. It'll be generations before this can be fixed.
