Momaha: My husband’s world fell apart when our son told us he’s gay

[Omaha Steve]

http://blogs.momaha.com/2013/06/42057/

Dear Sassy Housewife,
Our 15-year-old son just told us he was gay. I have suspected for quite some time but my husband never wanted to believe me. Now my son has confirmed it and my husband is heartbroken. We both consider ourselves open-minded, but now my husband is depressed and so devastated by the news. We told our son we love him no matter what but what can I do to get my husband out of this funk?

Signed,
Struggling with son’s sexuality

Dear Struggling,

First of all, I want to say how happy I was to read that you told your son you loved him no matter what sexual orientation he is – that is the best thing you could have said to him. Unfortunately, there are many parents of gay children that don’t say that and you can’t believe the sadness and resentment that creates.

As for your husband, I don’t believe it’s your role to get him out of this funk. Look, I’m going to be honest with you. From the day we find out we are going to have a baby, we start planning for that child. We imagine their first steps, their first day of school, their graduation and even their weddings and future children. We have mapped out what direction we want them to go. When a child then shows you a world that you didn’t map out for them, it is challenging. It doesn’t make you anti-gay if you struggle at first with your child’s homosexuality. It’s a change that you weren’t expecting, a change that you didn’t plan for.

FULL story at link.

The Sassy Housewife is weekly advice column on Momaha.com by Danielle Herzog. She’ll cover the adventures in housewifery — from parenting, entertaining and recipes to the interests of a been-there-done-that and somewhat-know-it-all wife. Sassy Housewife runs every Saturday. Have a question for her? Email [e-mail]

Danielle Herzog, a married mother to two children, blogs for momaha every Wednesday. She served as a student counseling advisor in the Washington D.C. area prior to moving to Omaha. She’s currently completing her master’s degree in counseling at the University of Nebraska at Omaha.

[Lex]

1. That assumes that the son can't get married and

won't have kids one day. Or it read that way to me.

[msongs]

2. children are not here to please parents. they have a right to their own lives nt

[markpkessinger]

3. As a 52-year-old gay man who came out to his parents at the age of 20 . . .

. . . I would say simply that the husband is going through a kind of mourning process. Look, every parent has hopes and dreams for their child. You can say that they shouldn't, that they should hold themselves free of such hopes and expectations and just be happy and content if their child finds happiness and contentment on his or her own terms. Yes, you can say that, but ask yourself, how realistic is it to expect that of most parents? So the husband is mourning the loss of a dream -- or, as it turns out, of an illusion. So far, he has affirmed his love for his son, and that's great. But the husband is entitled to experience his emotions over the loss of this dream, how ever illusive it may have been. I think the wife should be patient with him as he moves through this grieving process. There is, however, one MAJOR caveat to all of this: that the husband's grieving and mourning should take place entirely OUT OF VIEW of the son, because that is a burden no 15-year-old should be asked to carry. Eventually, the husband's grief will pass, and he will come to appreciate his son for what is son actually is, rather than for what the husband used to think he was.

[enough]

5. As a parent, I want to thank you for this post. I haven't dealt with this specific issue

with my kids, but you're describing a process many parents have to go through if they want to stay closely connected with those people they love the most, their children.

[enough]

4. This seems like a compassionate response from Mohama.

I like the idea that it's not the mother's responsibility to bring the father out of his sadness on this. Yet it's said with an understanding that major changes in what you have been dreaming about for your children can be a real sadness and can take some time to get used to. If treated with compassion, we DO get used to changes.