* * * DUzy Awards: Week ending May 17, 2013 * * *

[The DUzy Awards]

Last edited Sat May 18, 2013, 06:56 PM - Edit history (6)

Hi everyone! My name is Flying Squirrel.

I have been a member of DU off and on since 2007; my former name on DU2 was FlyingSquirrel (no space). I took over the DUzy Awards once before for a short stint in October of 2009... http://journals.democraticunderground.com/FlyingSquirrel.

I have a tendency to shoot my mouth off, which I've been slowly working on.... I've been sober since February 16, 2009 so at least I haven't been posting while drunk.

I would like to thank JeffR for starting the DUzy Awards; Ghost In The Machine and Rurallib, who also subbed; and krispos42, who brought them back again in 2011 and kept them alive for nearly a year. (My apologies to anyone I may have missed who also subbed in the past.)

As someone has mentioned, JeffR's shoes are very difficult to fill, and DU has changed a lot in the past four years. That being said, I still believe there's a place for the DUzy's. Nominations are commonplace even now, four years after he quit for good and 9 months after the most recent DUzy awards. With regard to the fact that DU has changed, so has the Democratic Party; I believe that humor has healing power, and as long as we can still laugh, we can still hope.

To nominate a post for a DUzy, simply reply to the post with "DUzy" somewhere in your response, and I'll do a search; if you want to make sure I notice it, PM a link to "The DUzy Awards."

DUzy winners are noted in [font color=#800080]purple;[/font] editorial comments by me are in [font color=#FF0000] red italics. [/font]

That's about it... let's get started with this week's DUzy Awards!

[font color=blue][center]Special thanks to: 

L0oniX, Nye Bevan, rrneck, malaise, jberryhill, phantom power, longship, kentuck, KittyWampus, KamaAina truebluegreen, and many others (I accidentally deleted their PM's before recording their names - sorry, I'm out of practice!) for their invaluable assistance with this edition.[/center][/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=#800080] OP by DainBramaged

Trying to speak logically to a Republican [/center]

]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=#800080] OP by BainsBane

Something for everyone to keep in mind
[/center]



[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=#800080] OP by Robb

OK, hear me out.


[font color=black] So I understand, believe me, why Meta is no more. It was a grand experiment, and you're to be commended for trying it. But it was more heat than light, and it's gone. And we're all the better for it. 

I propose, in the spirit of making lemonade from lemons (or perhaps more in the spirit of Germany burning sewage to generate electricity): let's bring it back from time to time for fundraisers, and make it pay-to-play. 

Imagine... pick a charity, ask DUers who want to lay into one another (and you) to drop $5 for a 24-hour Meta slug-fest. The money rolls in, good is done -- think of it as a web-based dunking tank! Morally reprehensible under normal circumstances, but wholly appropriate when raising money for good causes.  

I know, brilliant, right? No need to thank me.  [/font] [/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=#800080] OP by Jeff In Milwaukee

Women pulled from factory rubble forced to take vacation days

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 15 by hughee99

[font color=black] Why? She was at work the whole time. n/t
[/font]
[font color=#FF0000] (Jeff seriously needs to start writing for The Onion.) [/font][/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] OP by MiddleFingerMom

Carpentry's #1 Rule (so to speak):
[/center]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 2 by A HERETIC I AM

[font color=black] "Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with a chainsaw" n/t [/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 3 by pinboy3niner:

[font color=black] ROF [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 5 by CrazyOrangeCat

[font color=black] LO [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 6 by csziggy

[font color=black] Anthony's laws (and a corollary)

Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. [/font] [/center] [font color=#FF0000]
(Ed. Note: Or cut it with a saw...) [/center]
[/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] OP by ohiosmith

I was drunk last night! Anyone know if I got lucky? [/font]



[font color=#FF0000] (DUzy's all around to those responding in this thread) [/center]
[/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=#800080] OP by 1monster

Totally Biased: Anything You Want to Say to a White Guy?

[font color=#FF0000] (Mad props to the lady who wouldn't date a white guy, but then chose Brad Pitt over Clarence Thomas. roflmao!) [/center] [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] OP by geek tragedy

[link:http://www.democraticunderground.com/10022846440|Google Glass over before it really began
] [/center]



[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 3 by zerosumgame0005

[font color=black] the crazy eyes burn through

even with one of them covered...
[/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 4 by Gidney N Cloyd

[font color=black] Like she needs help seeing things that aren't really there... [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 7 by Raster

[font color=black] "...and make mine rose-colored, just like my dress"

Honey, that's not rose... that's battshit psycho salmon. [/font]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by marmar:

Diabetic High School Girl Beaten by Police Officer and Arrested -- For Falling Asleep in Class

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 14 by davidn3600

[font color=black] Quick...someone post the pic of the cop delivering milk so we feel better about the police state!!! [/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 40 by KamaAina

[font color=black] ...
[/center]
[/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 43 by AnotherMcIntosh

[font color=black] How do we know that he is not taking the milk away?
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 76 by CincyDem

[font color=black] Ruh roh - that's "red cap" milk.

Everyone know that whole milk thing will eventually kill ya. I won't be able to forgive them beating up on a young woman (likely african american) who found herself out of balance until I see some cop delivering SKIM milk to a rich white household. That's the only way justice can be served. [/font] [/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by Eugene:

Plan B age-restriction appeal from US government denied by federal judge

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 5 by DeSwiss

[font color=black] K&R
[/center]


''You wouldn't happen to have any Plan-B in there, now wouldja honey?'' [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by WillyT:

A person viewing the test flight of the flying car said it best: "It's the Jetsons, it really is."

MIT-trained engineers building flying hybrid car TF-X 
By CleanTechnica 
Saturday, May 11, 2013 10:10 EDT 
[/center]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 3 by cliffordu

[font color=black] Really! I want the Fokker Triplane version. [/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 51 by lastlib

[font color=black] okay, I'll take the Sopwith Camel model.....

...and shoot you down!



(Don't cut ME off in traffic, Red Baron!)
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 24 by Warren DeMontague

[font color=black] Roads

Where we're going we don't need roads.
[/center]
[/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 37 by First Speaker

[font color=black] I know this is a fantasy--but imagine grass growing on the Interstate Highway System...

...no more parking lots, no more *land* devoted to the care and feeding of our auto overlords...Route 95 turned into a 2000 mile long greenway...if this really worked like the Jetsons, everywhere would be a suburb...but everywhere would be greener, too... 
OK--I've woken up now... [/font] [/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by jakeXT:

FBI surrounds house of Saudi student following sightings of him with pressure cooker pot, only to fi

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 78 by Cobalt Violet

[font color=black] If pressure cookers are outlawed only outlaws will have pressure cookers.

And the only way to stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker is a good guy with a pressure cooker. [/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 105 by KansDem


[font color=black] You might be able to buy one at a pressure-cooker show...

...or perhaps from a private party where size doesn't matter. 

Check the Internets! 
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 137 by Javaman

[font color=black] They'll have to pry my pressure cooker out of my cold dead hands...


If I'm not able to make my mom's recipe for stuffed cabbage anymore!
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 95 by DirkGently

[font color=black] Ours has a laser sight & tactical grips. But it's only for cooking

posole, we swear. [/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 118 by bananas

[font color=black] Army cooks died for your right to keep and bear pressure cookers! nt
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 139 by Javaman

[font color=black] First they came for the pressure cookers and I did nothing...nt


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 38 by Bluestreak

[font color=black] Does anybody have a program to print a pressure cooker on a 3D printer yet?


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 55 by Voice For Peace

[font color=black] Now we won't be able to take PRESSURE COOKERS on airplanes for crying out loud


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 59 by pinboy3niner

[font color=black] Not even my carrion pressure cooker?


Darn!
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 6 by pinboy3niner

[font color=black] "Uh, sir? The WMD appears to be full of...rice."


New threat: WMD pilaf.
[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 21 by krispos42

[font color=black] "Uh, sir? The WMD appears to be full of...rice 'n beans."


"Ricin???????" 

<insert massive police freak-out here>

[/font] [/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 68 by NoPasaran

[font color=black] We would not want the smoking gun to come in the form of a pilaf



[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by kpete:

39 percent of people who think Benghazi is the biggest scandal ever don't even know where it is

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 3 by Enrique

[font color=black] what percent think Obama ordered him murdered? [/font]

[/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by CatWoman:

LOL!! Nipped that shit in the bud

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 7 by Electric Monk

[font color=black] A: Until he gets caught. [/font]



Q: How long does a Bush appointed IRS commissioner serve? [/center]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by phantom power:

Soon enough there will be camera drones the size of insects

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 3 by Buzz Clik

[font color=black] I swallowed a "drone" while on my bike and got a free colonoscopy! [/font]


[/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 7 by Orrex

[font color=black] I suspected that you had your bug up your ass about something.!

I had no idea that it was a medical procedure! [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by bigtree:

NO one could have predicted THIS

‘Armed security officer’ accidentally shoots student at Aurora school

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 19 by Orrex

[font color=black] Probably snagged it on his gun safety manual while putting it in the glove box [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by Spartacus Maximus XL:

Atheist With a Christian spouse

After finally shrugging off the vestiges of my Catholic upbringing and fully realizing that the whole concept of God and religion is utter nonsense, I made the mistake of telling my wife I was an atheist. She said she could have handled it better if I had told her I was gay.

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 72 by cbayer

[font color=black] I had the same problem when I told my spouse I was an alien.

I should have slowly introduced him to some star trek episodes, but I handled it really poorly and just blurted it out over dinner one night. [/font]


[/center] [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by snagglepuss:

Not a joke. Billion-year-old water found in Ontario, potentially contains life

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 4 by PollBlind

[font color=black] I smell a new premium vodka! nt [/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] OP by bigtree

Palin tried to play POTUS... and then WaPo posted this pic

tweeted by, ZerlinaMaxwell@ Zerlina Maxwell 4m 
I love how @sarahpalinusa tried to play POTUS w/ "most Americans hold their own umbrellas" and then WaPo posted this pic.twitter.com/iJiO9lGqpP
[/center]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 3 by Blue Owl

[font color=black] There she is, Miss American...

[/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 5 by pinboy3niner

[font color=black] Miss...
[/center]
[/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 11 by SidDithers

[font color=black] DU re...
[/center]

[/font]

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] OP by spinbaby

The teabaggers are freaking over an umbrella

This morning all the wingnuts I know are having snit fits over a photo of a Marine holding an umbrella for Obama--not sure why exactly, but they rarely have logical reasons for this sort of outrage except that Fox told them to be outraged. I had to remind them that at least Obama knows how to operate an umbrella. 


[/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [center] Reply 4 by sinkingfeeling

[font color=black] 10 Presidents With Umbrellas

http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/10-presidents-with-umbrellas
[/center]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by snagglepuss:

Manti Te'o's girlfriend is No. 69 on Maxim's Hot 100 list.

[center]Beyonce, Mila Kunis and Kate Upton are just some of the bodacious bods we aren’t surprised to find on “Maxim’s” annual “Hot 100? list, but there is one person who made the list this year that we would never expect to see. 

That’s because we can’t see her. 

Coming in at No. 69 on the list is Manti Te’o's Fake Girlfriend. 

Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Rihanna rounded out the top three, respectively, on the men’s magazine’s most beautiful women list. While all of the other women on the list are featured in super steamy head shot photos, “Maxim” features Manti Te’o's Fake Girlfriend as a black bikini floating in midair with waves and a beach in the background [/center]

[/center]


[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 1 by Dr. Strange
[font color=black]
Check her out at this nude beach: [/font] [/center]


[center] [font color=#FF0000] And one from last month, thanks to Nye Bevan: [/font][/center]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#AFEEEE] [center] [font color=black] On an OP by n2doc:

Target apologizes for "Manatee" label on plus-size dress

[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 13 by X_Digger

[font color=black] Oh, the hue manatee! n/t [/font]
[div class="excerpt" style=background:#FFFFFF] [font color=#800080] [center] Reply 18 by frylock

[font color=black] ! [/font] [/center]

[Arugula Latte]

1. I'm so happy they're back!

Great job!

[Kali]

2. k and r!

and a demand for partial credit on the ohiosmith thread

[gateley]

3. K^R!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. These are wonderful!

And very funny!

Thank you for bringing them back!

[niyad]

5. welcome back, whichever name you are using. I am so very glad I finished my coffee before I read

this. somehow, I had missed all of them, so thanks for the smiles.

keep up the good work

[BainsBane]

6. Where did DainBramaged find such an articulate Republican?

Inquiring minds want to know.

[longship]

7. Hooray for the return of the DUzys!

Note: the pics don't format right on mobile phones. They get cut off at the right side and do not scale.

Sorry if that causes extra work. Or, don't worry. If I click through to OP, they may turn out okay there.

[The DUzy Awards]

9. Let me know what happens..

I'll try on my phone too.

[winter is coming]

8. Thanks; these were great! n/t

[agracie]

10. These are DUzys for sure ! Thank you, Flying Squirrel. nt

[Cha]

11. Good Job, Flying Squirrel! mahalo..

And, a shout out to JeffR of days gone by.

[tblue]

12. Out-fresking-standing!

I swear, the average IQ of DUers has to be borderline genius. I never heard of any other group of people so witty, well-read, and informed. Cheers, y'all! And congrats to the winners!

[orleans]

13. nice to see these. very funny. n/t

[jakeXT]

14. k&r

[LeftofObama]

15. K & R!

[Scuba]

16. Thank you Flying Squirrel!

[NoPasaran]

17. Woo Hoo!

Thanks for bringing 'em back!

[malaise]

18. Thank You Flying Squirrel - welcome back

Love me some DUzys.

[surrealAmerican]

19. k & r

Thank you for bringing back the duzies!

[KoKo]

20. Nice! K&R

[HappyMe]

21. k&r

Glad this is back.

[siligut]

22. Most excellent Flying Squirrel

Great layout and content, thank you

[Melissa G]

23. Thank you, Illustrious Airborne Small Mammal!

They were great!

[CrispyQ]

24. Kick!

Thanks for taking the time to compile these!

[In_The_Wind]

25. K & R

[lunatica]

26. Thanks! I laughed quite a few times

DUers are great!

[pinboy3niner]

27. Good job (and fast work!)

[DinahMoeHum]

28. Kickety kick kick. . .

[BainsBane]

29. kick

[truedelphi]

30. Between Robb's remarks about bringing "Meta" back

As a virtual carnival slam dunk money maker, and the photo captioned, "How do we know he's not taking the milk away!" I have laughed myself silly.

The DUzy shoes left by Jeff are indeed difficult to fill, but you have lived up to the task.

More, please, when you MUST!

[a2liberal]

31. Yay DUzys!

I'll need to start sending in nominations when I see something funny... didn't realize they were being saved. Thanks for doing this!

[The DUzy Awards]

32. Thanks everyone for the kind words and the Recs..

I enjoyed compiling them for you all!

Will try to improve the picture / video formatting next time so they don't get cut off on cell phones.

[nolabear]

33. Hooray! In the midst of all the fights it's good to remember how funny and clever DU can be.

And to get in on one once in a while, even if ohiosmith did have to lose his virginity to make it happen.

[lastlib]

38. DUZy!!!

[Ghost in the Machine]

34. Thanks for bringing these back, and for the mention in the OP...

I really enjoyed doing them, but it seemed like readership level/interest dropped over time.... probably because it was me... I'm not in the most popular group here, due to some of my views.

I wish you the best of luck with them, and will be looking forward to them each week, just like the LOLcats on Sundays.

Peace,

Ghost

[pinboy3niner]

35. Props to anyone who takes (or who has taken) this on!

We appreciate all the time and work it takes to do it. But at least you got the big bucks for it, right?

[tavalon]

42. Whaaa?

I never stopped reading. The Duzys are the best of DU, showing how truly witty we can be and that it doesn't always have to be Strum and Drang (sp?) around here.

[Ghost in the Machine]

45. Yes, and as I recall, you were a great contributor with links and suggestions....

But, as I stated, I think *MY* decline in readership was due to the fact that it was just *ME* that was posting them. I'm not one of the most popular people here, but I appreciate your support.

Peace,

Ghost

[tavalon]

46. Oh, well unless someone is an ass to me in particular

over multiple times, I just don't tend to notice those things. Should I put you on ignore? (kidding)

[Curmudgeoness]

36. I didn't realize how much I missed the DUzy's

even though I often thought fondly of them.

My favorite was hard to pick, but I loved Buzz Clik's "I swallowed a "drone" while on my bike and got a free colonoscopy!"

[lastlib]

37. (I got a DUzy!!)

. . . . . .

[pinboy3niner]

43. A new DUzy host is entitled to one mistake on his first time out

Just kidding, obviously.

Congratulations on your Major Award! Your leg lamp should be arriving in the mail shortly. Just be careful--it's fra-GEE-lay. My lamp is now a calf, and a thigh, and they just don't look as good separated.)

[tavalon]

47. Woah, a Duzy in the Duzys

How Meta.

[rurallib]

39. great job Mr. DUzy and thanks

we all know this take a lot of effort.

[love_katz]

40. Yayyyyyyyyy, they're back.

The DUzys are loads of fun.

Thank you for bringing them back.

[tavalon]

41. Thank you for gathering these all in one place, where I can safely read them whilst not

drinking any beverage. My monitor would also like to thank you. No really, it told me to tell you that!

[JimDandy]

44. Saw about half of these

when they were posted...

Which means I missed half of them and am so glad the DUzys are back!

[OneGrassRoot]

48. Bravo!!!!

And thanks!

K&R!

[Canuckistanian]

49. Yay! DUzys!

Good Job, Flying Squirrel! And thanks!

[BainsBane]

50. Are DUzies not sanctioned by the administrators?

I noticed that there is nothing on the front page about them.

[Buzz Clik]

51. You did NOT just touch my hair!

[BainsBane]

52. "White guys never listen"

That was pretty funny. Do you know what show that's from?