Facebook Unveils New Waste of Time reveils Andy Borowitz

[Mira]

MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change the way you are wasting your life.”
Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive lives. Our new software will change all of that.”
Mr. Zuckerberg said his developers had worked for months developing Home, “which seizes control of your phone and makes it good for little other than Facebook—much like many Facebook users themselves.”
By bombarding the user with status updates on a twenty-four-hour basis, he boasted, “Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder.”
As the audience applauded that pronouncement, Mr. Zuckerberg added, “At Facebook, we want to be a million voices inside your head.”
When one member of the audience worried whether Home would give Facebook even more access to private information about one’s life, Mr. Zuckerberg reassured the questioner, “After using Home for several weeks, you will have no life.”
While clearly proud of his latest product, Mr. Zuckerberg gave notice that he did not intend to rest on his laurels: “At Facebook, we will never stop striving to replace real experience with something soulless and empty.”

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/04/facebook-unveils-new-waste-of-time.html#ixzz2Pny8EoOE

[L0oniX]

1. Took a break from FB to rec this. n/t

[agent46]

2. Dude, just keep a tab open

Sheesh.

[ISW]

3. Time to buy an iPhone.

[calimary]

5. Welcome to DU, ISW!

Glad you're here!

I freakin' LOVE Andy Borowitz!!! Hilarious!!!!

[calimary]

4. I FREAKIN' LOVE Andy Borowitz!!!

[alarimer]

6. I hate Facebook

I'm on it, but only because my family is. But I will not EVER put this evil shit on my phone and if it's a mandatory update, I wll choose not to have it on my phone altogether.

It is just a way to deliver ads, and use up your monthly data allotment. Not to mention the fact that I don't gift about most of what people post. I certainly don't want it on my homescreen.

[DeSwiss]

7. Between HOME....

...and the EYE-PHONE what's left!?!?!

- HOME is where the head is.....

K&R

[gtar100]

8. Funny. But even as a non-Facebook user I can see

some real positives with Facebook. It's become in vogue to diss it but like so many things, one can have a healthy relationship to it or an addiction. There are so many who don't go overboard with it and I'd like to say I admire the creativity people display and I respect the joy people get through sharing the lives of loved ones who are miles away. For that alone I do not diss Facebook. And for those that do dismiss it without much consideration... well you're all a bunch of killjoys.