The death of a child: A parent’s worst nightmare
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-death-of-a-child-a-parents-worst-nightmare/2012/12/21/734cb23c-4956-11e2-ad54-580638ede391_story.html***SNIP
I offer here what I have learned about grief in the 10 years since my Gracie died:
I learned that platitudes don’t work. Time doesn’t heal. She is not in a better place. God does give us more than we can bear sometimes. I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words. I have learned that even in the face of loss, clothes still get dirty and bills still need to get paid. Friends who laundered our socks and answered our e-mails, who mowed our lawn and put gas in our cars, helped us — a lot. The friend who came one afternoon and went through Grace’s backpack, carefully storing her kindergarten workbook and papers, hanging her art on the refrigerator and her raincoat on its hook in the mudroom, had more courage than the ones who told me to call anytime.
Some friends sat with me day after day, week after week and, yes, month after month, and let me talk while they listened. I told the story of Grace’s last day over and over, as if by telling it I could make sense of what had happened to her, to us. But there is no sense to be made of such tragedy, and when I realized that, they let me wail and bang my fists and curse.
As time passes, people return to their ordinary lives, while grieving parents no longer have ordinary lives. They are redefining themselves, and they are at a loss at how to move forward. There is a woman who still sends me a card on Grace’s birthday and every Mother’s Day, who sent cards weekly for more than a year, a lifeline to a grieving mother. The people who even now, a decade later, still say Grace’s name, still comment on her quirky style and artistic talents and love of the Beatles, continue to help me through my days, simply by remembering her.
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I lost my 33 year old son 5 years ago.
My son was. 29 at the time of his death...with a beautiful wife, four children, he was a great son and brother. No one but another parent can know an understand the heartache and sheer sense of loss. My prayers are with you.
My heart aches for you, because I know how you feel. My son Anthony, in that last week before he died, would not look me directly in my face; my daughter brought that to our attention recently. He was in some pictures we took of him and my grandchildren a few days before his death, in each and ever picture he was not looking into the camera...we thought that this was so strange, because if you had known my son you would have known he was a "camera" hog
. He never looked me in my face when I was speaking to him, and I never noticed until my daughter was looking through the pictures we had taken a few days before he died....I now wonder why, and if we might have seen something in his eyes, a sadness maybe...I just wonder so often. I will keep you in my prayers, Monmouth 3. Be blessed. From one grieving mom to another.
the same to you a million times over.
As others upthread have mentioned, silence...being present with someone in the throes of grief...is often the best gift.
I lost my infant son on December 20, 1991, so the holidays are especially difficult.
There is so much truth to this article, about daily life forever changed, even when we've had a short time with our children.
I have tremendous compassion for those grieving -- regardless of the object of their grief. It's a process, one which can be especially painful this time of year.
I offer big, big hugs to anyone who needs one right now...
Oh my goodness, I've often said the same thing.
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I wish you could feel the hug I'm sending your way....
Those five words say so much. What a profound way of communicating what it feels like to survive the loss of a child. I am so sorry.
I know just how hard it is to live day-to-day after a loss. May you someday find peace and comfort in knowing that your child knew, and still knows that you love and miss him. Much love and many hugs go out to you. Be blessed.
I lost my son at age 37 in 2000. I learned a few things from that unfortunate experience and have some advice..
1. He was still my baby...and I can't bear to look at his baby pictures and think, I can't believe that baby died...and then I bust into tears.
2. If you know someone who lost a child...don't hesitate to discuss their loss. Otherwise it feels like they've forgotten him. My niece loved my son dearly and she never forgets to call and lets me know she remembers and that I may be having a hard day.. I love her for that. Most of my friends and relatives never mention him...
3. Take lots of pictures. We have a tendency to take many baby pictures and don't have enough adult pictures. I don't have a nice big one of him to frame...just snapshots. I wish I had a portrait or close up picture of my handsome son. Make sure you have nice pictures of everyone!
4. There is no such thing as closure!
5. Time doesn't heal! It just make it a little more bearable.
6. CRY!!! Cry till you can't shed another tear...tears are wonderful healers and good for your mental well being. I learned that the hard way...so I'm not holding back the tears as I type this.
7. Last and most important!!!!! We are all told to write Living Wills for ourselves. But most don't ask our adult kids what they want. ASK THEM!!!! Fortunately, my son had already told me he wanted to donate his organs upon his death. I never would have thought to ask him such a thing...So when I was asked... I instantly knew the answer and didn't have to agonize over that decision. He died of a blunt force brain injury in an auto accident...but the rest of his beautiful healthy body was in excellent condition. I've never regretted that decision and now I often gain solace in knowing 4 other people are walking this earth with their loved ones and hopefully celebrating this Christmas season. I think of all their thankful relatives.
There is one thing I regret...we didn't give his corneas because once he had requested my other son to not give his corneas should he die...because he needed them to see where he was going. Every time I think of that... I regret that decision. Two more people could be seeing where they are going...and he no longer needs them. (Now I'm laughing instead of crying...so this post has been helpful) That was a dumb, unfortunate decision and I regret it till this day! So tell your kids if you want to "Give the Gift of Life" and which gifts you'd like to donate and ask them what they'd want you to do for them! DON'T FORGET! Remember how many people die every day from lack of donated organs.
What has helped me these last few years since my son's death, especially when I was wrapping myself in pity and misery, was the thought of how many millions of families have been losing their children, their sons and daughters, overseas in the wars, and how they do not get to see them for maybe years before they die...after these thoughts I get up and am thankful that I did get to see my son the last week of his life. This does not take away the grief, but it makes me a little more thankful, and a lot less wrapped in pity. There are so many more parents who feel the pain of loss just as I have, I can spend my time and energy praying for them instead of pitying myself. Be blessed.
and this one is so needed right now.
To all those who have lost their babies - and they are always our babies -
I recently found out an old friend lost his son a few years ago. I asked him how he dealt with that. He said he wanted to kill himself many times, but he would set a date a month or so ahead, and each time he made it to that date, he set another date, until he didn't feel that way any more.
Even when there are other children, as with my friend, that loss is so profound and wrong, it twists the mind.
My condolences to all parents who have lost their babes.
Makes me realize that we are all feeling loss of our children..and it does not go away...I hug you all and want to send you all love. 
