Cutting off the in-laws?

[potatoslayer]

I'm at the end of my rope with this and I'd like some perspective.

I'm 32, my wife 33. We have 1 son who will be two in a few months.

My wife and I are liberals. Her parents, however, are anything but. In fact, they are the kind of Christian that I find offensive to call themselves Christian. My wife and I are agnostic, and staunchly so.

My MIL was a single mom when she met my wife's stepdad. He's on his 4th marriage. He's a control freak with anger issues, honestly. If challenged he loses his temper, so I've learned to stay quiet most of the time. Think of the way Mitt Romney got in the second debate, only less rational. My MIL being a devout catholic doesn't believe in divorce.

A few years ago my wife lost her job and we lost our insurance. A month later she had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot on her lung) and we had to take her to the ER uninsured. It nearly bankrupted us. I had been self employed, and I had to give that up as result of this. We found out my wife has a blood disorder. It was 2.5 months after that insurance thankfully kicked in, but it was 2.5 months we had to treat and maintain the blood disorder without insurance which also took its toll.

When we got insurance and she got a regular doctor her doctor told her that due to the blood disorder if she got pregnant there was a good chance the fetus wouldn't make it and also a possibility that my wife could be killed by the pregnancy. Our birth control options were limited, and my 'religious' in-laws never missed a beat in their 'anti-contraception' views.

Well, as would have it, we got pregnant. My wife wanted an abortion right away because she was scared out of her mind. We went to the doctor and we were able to find out what we were up against. We did have insurance and that became, literally, a life-saver. But I point blank asked the doctor 'What is the likelihood we will have to consider termination?" And they said that it was always a possibility but we should cross that bridge when we come to it. The whole time my MIL is putting images on facebook of aborted fetuses and other offensive images. We went forward with the pregnancy, spending nearly the last 3 months going to the hospital every day for monitoring. I also had to fight with the insurance company to get the medication my wife needed to survive, which without insurance was around $10000 for a 5 day supply.

Without insurance, we would have had to ride it out. My son almost definitely wouldn't have made it and my wife might have been killed as well.

Fortunately our son was born healthy and has been a blessing. But if we get pregnant again we have to have termination on the table and it is OUR decision.

Well, we hit another issue with my in-laws.

On election night my MIL went around on several family members facebook pages posting nonsense about 'religious freedom dying.' and she won't let it go. My in laws are using their religion to justify hatred and they're putting things I find MALICIOUSLY misinformed about Obama and have been very hurtful to us with our situation. It's offended my parents too who are also religious.

We can't get insurance for my wife outside of employer coverage if Obamacare were to be repealed. Essentially they are voting against their own daughter.

Well, it's gotten to the point I don't even want to see them anymore. My wife and I are supposed to visit this weekend but I'm ready to tell them I've had enough of their hatred. My wife has had enough too, and is ready to go with me.

It doesn't help that my sister is gay, married (in Canada, at least) and is named in our wills to get custody of our son should something happen to us. She is the only family member I trust and she is a very loving and responsible person. And shares my views and will raise my son to my standard of being accepting of people from all walks of life.

My wife's stepdad is one of the most abysmall hypocritical assholes I have ever had to deal with in my life and I find the causes they are championing being endangering to both my wife and my 'miracle' of a son. We live five hours apart, so we don't see them often. But the hatred they are spewing on facebook and emails has hit the point I don't want my son to be exposed to it.

Any suggestions? Am I being irrational or hateful in not wanting them to be around anymore?

[Matariki]

1. "so I've learned to stay quiet most of the time"

That's what bullies do to people. Sadly.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. Life is too short and difficult as it is to put up with toxic people.

I suppose you have to consider whether you want your son to have a relationship with his grandparents, but these people sound absolutely miserable to be around. If you decide you don't want to see them I don't think you should feel at all guilty about it.

[nadinbrzezinski]

3. This has to be your and your wife decision

After that, not really good answers. And I get it by the way.

[msongs]

4. tolerating family is learned behavior. you can unlearn it tho there will be some issues that will

pass eventually.

[liberal_at_heart]

5. I don't think it is unreasonable to set boundaries

You have to have a conversation with them and let them know that while you are around they are not to talk about their religious views. You will never change their views but I think it is reasonable to ask them not to talk about them while you're around. If they refuse I think you have every right to choose not to see them. If they are accommodating I think you should continue to see them. Your mother in law is your wife's mother, and when she is dead your wife will regret not spending time with her.

[riverbendviewgal]

15. I have a different viewpoint about regretting not spending time with her mother.

My mother made my life miserable and interfered very much in my marriage.. She wanted her way and it was always only her way.

She was very much against anything new, modern or progressive. My marriage lasted because she was 12 hours drive away .
We visited and tried to create good times but that lasted only Hours, and then the bitterness and hate talk started. we [ut up with this for 30 years.

After my husband and son died of cancer 18 months apart, I did try to understand and help her but she was still the hate filled person she was all my life. I knew I tried and failed but went on with my life I do regret the time and anguish she caused me and my family in all the years she gave us such hate.

She is dead now and I don't miss her one bit.

[liberal_at_heart]

19. that is tragic

I am deeply disappointed and hurt by my father. I am never good enough for him. I think the only way I could make him happy is if I converted to Christianity which I'm not. I feel he abandoned me when I was a child. He worked 12 to 14 hours a day, and when he was home he was emotionally checked out. He is a right wing evangelical Christian. He is a sexist, racist, bigot. His views on women, gays, minorities, any religion other than Christianity, and atheism are horrible. His views are insulting to me and my family. His grand daughter is a liberal atheist so she is against everything he believes. But he is my father, and I do love him. My daughter also loves him. As does my son and my husband. I still very distant emotionally from him, but I do cherish seeing him on a regular basis. There was a time when we were both destroying our relationshop by constantly bickering about politics and religion. But we tired of that quickly. We both decided to quiet it down. We try very hard not to insult one another although it does still happen from time to time. We still talk about politics and religion but very sparingly. He is very kind to all of us. He helps us everyday. He is always there for us when we need him. I am sorry your mother couldn't reach out to you even in the smallest of ways. I know me and my father will always disagree on religion and politics, and we're still not very close emotioanlly, but I am grateful for the small connections we can make from time to time.

[LeftyMom]

6. In your situation? I'd get on the phone tomorrow and schedule a vasectomy.

As far as your in-laws, follow your wife's lead on that one, it's the only way you can possibly come out ahead.

But really, they're not important. Your wife is, and you said that getting pregnant again could kill her. That's got to be priority one. And as a happy bonus, after that's taken care of your in-laws' opinions on contraception and abortion will probably lose their sense of urgency. They're scared and they're lashing out.

[potatoslayer]

18. Considered it

We found an IUD which we are using as a form of contraception. We haven't ruled out a second child (but no more than 2, period.) So in the meantime that's not an issue.

[davsand]

7. You can't control their behavior, but you CAN control your exposure to it.

As long as you and your wife are comfortable with the decisions about how to deal with her family then you two should do whatever you think you need to. Family can be a huge blessing, but don't ever make the mistake of thinking they are a "be all end all" for anyone. If you two feel the situation is toxic, then you need to decide how to deal (or not deal) with it.

I would offer the minor advice that I'd not have any "words" with them without your wife being present. This is, after all, her family. She is a product of theirs--and you chose her above all others. Stay sensitive to her feelings and wishes, and please be wary of offering comments about them in front of your child.

I am sorry you two feel this kind of pain.



Laura

[Warpy]

8. Block them from your facebook page.

If they forward spam right wing emails, block their email. They can dial a phone or spend money on a stamp if they need to contact you. If they start to rant and rave, get up, put the kid's coat on him, and leave.

You can be their political punching bags only with your permission.

If they don't modify their behavior, then consider cutting contact. Just do this as an absolute last resort because kids really need to know their grandparents, even if they know them as bad examples.

[FarCenter]

9. If the MIL doesn't believe in divorce, how is she married to a FIL on his 4th wife?

Unless he's a three time widower, they quite possibly aren't actually married in the eyes of the church.

[LeftyMom]

11. If his previous marriages weren't Catholic ones they probably don't count.

If they were they wouldn't count if he or his previous wives had jumped through enough hoops and flung enough money at the church to get an annulment.

[FarCenter]

21. Possibly if they were civil marriages only; Protestant marriages require an annulment or death.

And the Protestant party has to either convert or the Catholic party has to get the prior permission of the Church to marry.

[elleng]

10. Quite rational, imo.

'Unfriend' or just ignore them. Your lives really aren't their business.

[riverbendviewgal]

12. you can do some things

Delete their emails, or mark them as spam or even block them.

un friend them in Face book.

I have done this with my family, who also hate Obama.

I have lost interest in Face book. I rarely go into these days to see it.

You can politely tell your wife's parents how you feel and that you realize that they will never change and accept that. They in turn must realize that you and your wife will nto change either.

It is good they are five hours away. They don't sound like Christians to me. They definately do not have the compassion and love of Jesus.
I am happy to hear that Obama care helped your wife and gave your son a chance. It makes me very thankful that I live in Canada and have good healthcare and don't have to fight for it.

I know you are still young but my husband got his vasectomy at age 25. He did it because it was safer for him to get it rather than me get my tubes tied. We decided we would have two children and stop when we had them. Live your life to the fullest, your way.

[freshwest]

13. To your question, no, you are not. These people are toxic and not trustworthy. We can't pick family,

but they are abusive people. It is unhealthy for you to continue.

Do what you need to do, make sure that you are not under their control (through expectations of inheritance, or anything else) because they will milk you dry and ruin you and your wife and son's mental health. Most especially your wife, the mother of your child should not be exposed to this.

Look at this way. If someone you knew was addicted to something, hateful and so controlling that they were likely to become violent, you would choose not to associate with them for your mental, physical and financial health. You must determine what your expectations are.

I have known people that put up with abusive persons like this in hopes of getting inancial aid or a big inheritance when they died, or some property the family has. They have made their own lives and health miserable, lost years of their lives in which they could have been doing something that was truer to themselves.

The natural need for an extended family blighted their lives, because the elders or siblings or whoever it was, was toxic. And then after they'd invested all of this time, the person involved gave them the finger and too late, they realized they'd been fools.

Just an example, not impugning you or them with any of those things, but that's how bad it can get. I've seen it several times, in fact i know someone in a relationship like this right now.

There is a time to let go. Sometimes one holds one to something that is painful. that they want, but just doesn't want them anymore. But the pain is familiar and it is all there is.

You will do them and yourself a favor to follow your heart and protect your wife and child from these people for some time. You don't have to 'divorce' them, you stop conversations or block them.

Facebook, also, is not life. I'm sure it is a great place to connect, consider this. Would you have the swill being posted on your Facebook page spoken in your home, in front of your wife and son? Is this the mental environment that you want to live in? Don't you, your wife and son deserve better that that?

Take anything I say and use it or discard it as you will, and know that I mean no judgment of you or them. But I would not associate with that. As the saying goes, 'You couldn't pay me to...'

If they aren't paying your rent, don't let them live in your mind and heart rent free and cause you anguish. Life is short.
Good luck.

[riverbendviewgal]

16. You said this well

and I lived through what you described. My family wasted many good hours , and days trying to put up with my hateful parents

[freshwest]

20. And then, they act as if your kindness was weakness or nothing. Actually, I know two situations like

this ongoing right now. The need for love and family is a survival instinct, but it can be abused.

And one cannot get those years of their youth back, trying to please such people. The lottery of life if it could be termed so as far as families go, is not fair and has no reason at times. I understand that your family had to go through this and am glad that you resolved it.

There are opportunities passed up while one relates to people that do not need it. They want to continue the illusion of a close knit family that is not quite as they wish it was. Life is short and as one gets older, opportunities and alternatives narrow down. The years fly by.

Thanks for your comment. I hope the OP writer considers the words of the many people who posted on this thread. By the time I posted, I was #13. So many minds working here! Good place to ask these questions, I guess.

[potatoslayer]

14. I forgot to mention

They are anti-science and trying to get creationism taught in public schools. When my wife was in high school learning about evolution her stepdad threw a fit "I didn't come from some ape"

The more I think about it the less I want to deal with them.

I think I might draw the line in the sand and see if my MIL comes to her senses. My wife says before she got married her mother was a completely different person.

[HiPointDem]

17. Here's one possibility: Have your wife issue an invitation for the holidays something

like: We value family ties and want our son to be raised knowing and loving his family. At the same time, constant disagreement over politics & personal health decisions make family get-togethers very stressful/unpleasant for all concerned. So we invite you to join us for a celebration of love/family at X-mas on the condition that we all leave politics out of it & concentrate on what we all care about most...

(That means table talk about the food, sports, weather, your respective jobs, home projects, crafts, what cute things your son has said lately, what other family members have been doing -- maybe some nice family games after dinner -- all those things polite society invented to keep itself polite...)

Something along those lines...

I think it's a good thing to keep family in one's life so long as it's humanly possible. I've myself experienced how changes in situations and environments can turn all those apparently insoluble disagreements, resentments, etc around 180 degrees.

You don't have to look at their facebook postings or whatever. They aren't so important that their rejection of any policy is going to result in harm to you personally. They're just one tiny monad in the bigger picture. Detach & don't make it personal; just tell them kindly that you won't tell them what to believe or try to direct their actions & you kindly request they do the same for you. Tell them we all answer to God in the end, so they can be relieved of the responsibility of trying to do God's job for him...

Just one possible way of handling it. I don't know their personalities or if they value your wife/child's company enough to call a truce, but if they do, it could work.

[Tigress DEM]

31. +1000

Good suggestions!

[Honeycombe8]

22. What I have done with my righwingnut family members

First, I love them. Second, they can be toxic and hateful.

You are in total control of how you spend your holidays and time. You have that right, and you are right in choosing whatever way you want to handle it.

It's not good for your child to be expose to hatefulness, hostility, or arguments. Keep that in mind. Your child is getting memories of holiday times that will last his lifetime. It's up to you to choose what kind of memories those will be.

When I got a rightwingnut e-mail from a relative, once removed, I emailed back and told her politely but firmly that I had no interest in her political viewpoints, that mine are very different, and that as a person with a sister in a nursing home on Medicaid, I was very offended by some of her statements about "takers." I told her that if I got another e-mail like that, I would block her e-mail address. (I cc'd my brother, who is in control of that relative's behavior.) That solved that problem.

I got another e-mail from my brother later that had a racist cartoon. I didn't respond. When he asked me about it later, didn't I find it funny, I just told him that I thought for sure he'd sent that to me as an example of how racist cartoons used to be, because it was so offensive, wasn't he glad that cartoons aren't that way, anymore? I haven't gotten any more of those.

I haven't spoken to rightwingnut family members in weeks, since before the election. I didn't want confrontation or to hear ugly remarks about Obama.

I view it as...since when is their opinion about matters more important than mine? I don't say hateful things to them or confront them. So .... I decide when I spend time with them or talk with them. It's my life. I like things to be pleasant.

Once I turned 40, I started being a little selfish about such things. I want to do the right thing about being with family, but OTOH, I have a right to spend my time how I want, while doing my "duty." I also genuinely want to talk with my family members. Before I turned 40, I spent my holidays traveling to see family, and getting back, tired, and having to go back to work w/no rest. But I stopped doing that and don't regret it.

My point is....you have a right to spend your life how you want. I don't regret avoiding spending time with people who use the N word and things like that. Life is more pleasant, now. So it doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition. You can LIMIT your time with them, and esp your child's time with them, w/o cutting them out entirely. See if that works.

But I wouldn't go out of my way to travel to spend holiday time with them. No way. They're not good people, going by your description. They have been rude to you, insulted you, made your difficult pregnancy time even harder, been a burden instead of lightening your load in life. You do not have anything to feel guilty about if you choose to stay home and spend quality time with your family, and give your child some pleasant memories to grow up with.

DON'T STAY QUIET with that ogre, BTW. You don't need to yell or anything, but I started, gradually, saying a meek thing here and there, when my rightwingnut father would say appalling things. The world didn't end. And he lightened up a bit. He now knows where I stand.

[Bigmack]

23. My first wife..

.. had a mother who was toxic. Truly toxic. Especially to her daughter. Passive-aggressive, demeaning.... the whole thing.

I didn't know just how toxic, so, early in our marriage, I convinced my new wife to make up with her mom.... "it's different now that you're a married woman/adult." My wife got along famously with my parents.. .and so did I. I was so naive that I thought that relationships could improve with time.

So... my wife opened up communications with her mother, and we had her visit us. She was awful. Beyond my wildest imagining. I saw a very capable young woman turned into a quivering mess.

I was freshly out of the Marine Corps, so I able to tell Mom in words of one syllable to back the fuck off, but not before she damaged my wife further.

We're divorced now for over 30 years... more or less amicably... but I apologize to her every time I see her. What a dumbshit I was!

Nobody should have to put up with toxic people... relatives or parents or whatever.

Advice.... lay down the law. Promise that the first infraction will be the last.

Be strong enough to carry thru with your threat.

[OriginalGeek]

24. Cut 'em off and don't even feel a bit guilty about it

My mom and stepfather raised me in a conservative, fundamentalist christian home. I left at age 17 and never went back except for my mom's funeral a few years ago.

They weren't big on FB so I had no trouble there. I talked to my mom a couple times a year. The last few years of her life she managed to take vacations without the step-asshole and we had some good visits out from under his thumb.

She was still awfully religious but she learned she couldn't be a part of my life and spew the dogma so she avoided politics and religion when she came to visit.

Not because I couldn't handle her talking about her religion - I grew up with it and knew why I rejected it and welcomed explaining why to her. But she couldn't take that and didn't want to hear about my liberal and atheist views so we agreed that our visits would be about other things. We ate and shopped and watched TV and laughed and my daughter got to know her grandma a little better.

So, anyway, I was gone for many years before we ever got that far. I didn't miss my step-asshole and my wife's family accepted me the way I am (mostly) and we've been married 26 years.

after my mom died I saw no reason to ever talk to her husband again and so I haven't.

[AlexSatan]

25. I highly recommend a vasectomy

Then you will not have to worry about facing termination.

If you decide you want another kids, there are plenty out there for adoption.

[roody]

26. Stay home and enjoy life.

[Hamlette]

27. dump this facebook thing

unfriend them or block them or whatever. In your OP your biggest complaints were about what they said on FB. Stop reading it immediately. Then support your wife in whatever she wants.

My problem is just the opposite. I hate my daughter-in-law. She is completely controlled and controlling. I suspect she does not treat my son that way but I honestly cannot figure out what is going on there. I have tried everything. We only have one child and love to travel as a family so when they got together we took them to the beach for a week. We paid for everything, rented a beach house, went to disneyland etc. etc. My 4 year old grandson wet the bed while we were there. I said "he had an accident." She had decided he does it on purpose (swear to god) and when he wets the bed she says, to him, "you made a mess". She thinks, no insists I say the same thing. I did not know that was how I was to react (if I had known, I'm not sure I could have said "you made a mess" but I could have not said anything.) Anyway, she said nothing at the time but when we got home she would not let me see my grandson for 6 weeks because I was such a bad influence on him. My husband blew a gasket (he is the most rational person I know so for him, it was a rare event). She made up but just barely. When my mother died last month we offered to give her mom's car, a Honda with 42,000 miles on it, she drives a clunker with 200,000 miles on it so we thought it was nice of us. She said she wants a different kind of car and we found out she intended to trade it in for "the kind of car she wants". We also offered them my mom's house at just over half the appraised value. She started talking about how she would have to rip it apart and redo it. The home is not some grandma's home. It is spectacular and I have a long list of people who want to buy it, including two artists. And, Mom completely redid her house with a designer 2 years ago and it is a work of art. (It was a work of art to begin with but now the kitchen, bathrooms, light fixtures, etc are all new and very high end.) All of this would be none of my business if we were not paying for my son's law school to the tune of $40K per year. If she has the money to buy a nicer car and remodel a beautiful home, she can use that money to help pay the tuition.

I knew at that minute I could never please her. We withdrew the offer. I told my son I was sorry but if I put conditions on the car or house she would resent it and punish me. My son admits she was way over the top and behaved like a petulant child. He's always wanted his grandmother's house so it is hard on him too. But I have to set limits on the relationship. Mine are that I will never try to give her anything again. No trips, cars, houses etc. If my son doesn't like it he can dump her (she is the step mother, the two do not have kids together). I am always pleasant around her but it will always be a formal relationship. You might be able to develop that kind of relationship with your inlaws. Limit your exposure to them, try to always have the upper hand in situations when you have contact (go to their house so you can leave if you need to, don't go on trips to the beach with them . If the subject gets uncomfortable, change the subject. if you can't, find an excuse and leave. Do it without a scene. Calmly tell them you must leave. Trust me, you have all the trump cards: the kid. If they are not willing to behave in order to have a relationship with their grandchild, they are not worthy.

Another word of advice, do not speak ill of them even to your wife. You really don't have a dog in this fight except to support her. Family ties are strong and very complicated. In laws can set limits for themselves but they can't get in the middle.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

28. I would compose a letter expressing your grave concerns without mentioning politics.

Just make it about your needs, your discomfort and your concern that they have no consideration for your wife's feelings. Hopefully she will sign as well.

I am probably wrong about this. But I would offer it up as advice anyway.

[Tigress DEM]

29. Someone mentioned "BOUNDRIES" and I guess that's where I would start.

I learned that some things were NONE of my parent's business and kept my mouth shut about them. My sex life was none of my parent's business, but it was MY job to keep it that way.

I wrote my parents off for about a year, but I gave them a way back. I told them they had to drop a certain subject because I'd given them hard evidence of my factual innocence in a certain situation and they still didn't believe me and that was unacceptable behavior in my book. As an adult speaking to adults, I demanded they acknowledge reality and consider that my kid sister was just a kid with a rich fantasy life and wishfully putting herself into situations that never happened.

Some computer glitch put 7 speeding tickets on my Dad's insurance record. My sister said she was there when I got them. She's 6 1/2 years younger than me and was rarely with me when I drove with my friends. I went to the DMV and got a print out of my clean driving record - conclusive proof that she was wrong, but they kept bringing it up as gospel. There was plenty of stupid stuff I did do but they already knew about most of that, there was really no reason for me to lie.



I'd suggest that you and your wife go to some counseling and make sure you BOTH really know what you want and decide how NOT to mention things to your in-laws and how to stop them from putting their noses in your business. It takes a bit of finesse to do this in such a way that makes the relationships stronger, and I think you may be able to reach your MIL and at least spend some time with her away from the brute.


I had spent a good year telling my parents, "We are not having this conversation, because THAT is a LIE, I proved it and if you are going there, I'm hanging up this phone and not calling you back or answering the phone if you call back, so just stop it NOW. You want me in your life, those are the terms." I finally had to do it one day and didn't call them back for a year or even respond to their letters.



Just a thot as a woman:

If it were ME possibly dying to have another baby, I'd want an IUD and for my hubby to get a vasectomy. That way pretty much God Himself would be blessing us with another kid and presumably would be there to make sure things went ok. I've known people to get PG with both those BCs present, so don't think it can't happen.



As a Christian I've told my RW relatives:

You can never convince me to HATE anyone in the name of Jesus.

"For God so loved the world" MEANS NO EXCEPTIONS is pretty clear to me.



Some Facebook Posts of Mine:

Dear, dear family and friends. How much hatred is enough? It's one thing to disagree about policies and to have arguments over what statics mean in the real world we live in, but whichever side of the isle we are on, does there have to be all this vile hatred toward each other and the candidates? I certainly don't respect Romney or his ideas. Him and his 1% group scare me and disgust me with lies and policies that oppress freedoms, but I don't spend my time hating him or people who want to vote for him. If you love the Prince of Peace, you should be able to have a civil discussion with people whose opinion you don't agree with and maybe learn on both sides.


What did Jesus say? What did Jesus do? Jesus fed 5000 and told us to "Love others as I have loved you." So all this talk of people should be treated like animals so they don't get used to hand outs may be politically correct to some, but I don't think any Christian should belittle the poor especially during this time when so many jobs are just gone and folks have little choice in the matter.


Yeah, that's MY God. The God who loves the WHOLE world NO Exceptions. Challenging to forgive some people because they do evil SO willingly, but that person beneath all those choices was once an innocent child misled and walking a wrong path. Hate the sin. Love the sinner. Pray for your enemies. STILL the right path nearly 2000 years later.



BUT that's me.


You guys are certainly justified in just walking away, but when it comes to family, that's never an easy choice and whatever decision you make has to be something you can live with in the long run.

I was prepared to replace my family with my friends and I still have some of my good friends I made during that time, but I also have my family. Even my goofy little sister who as it turned out grew out of her odd behavior and even voted for Obama this year... her hubby too. They moved cross country to be closer to me. So things CAN change, but it often DOES require learning to stand your ground with the whole damm buffalo herd charging right at you. Good luck with that. It's never fun.

[OutNow]

30. Family Planning - It's your responsibility too

I was in a similar situation re: my wife's health problems. I had a vasectomy because it was the right thing to do. Your wife should not have to take 100% of the health risk and the emotional strain that comes with it. Both of you will feel better after your vasectomy. I promise.

Re: your toxic inlaws. Block their email. Defriend them from Facebook. Block their text messages from your smart phone. If they want to see their grandchild they must correct their behavior. You and your wife have leverage. Don't be nice. They view nice as weakness.

[Michigan Alum]

32. I don't bother telling my Repub. relatives anything like that.

[rucky]

33. Her parents, her decision.

With a kid in the mix, it's only a matter of time until the in-laws try to start meddling with your parenting decisions. In the meantime, put them on ignore - online and offline.

[Michigan Alum]

34. You are an adult and have your own family, you live by your own rules.

Your wife (with your support) needs to tell them that they are being inappropriate in a very rational and unemotional manner. Tell them that their inappropriate behavior will be ignored - much like you would do a child. It's also none of their business if you want to have an abortion or use birth control so I would never discuss that with them.

[Raine]

35. IMO the final say should be your wife's, it's her family. nt

[bama_blue_dot]

36. I'm sorry to hear about your situation

It has been one year since I have quit communicating with the in-laws.. My husband is from Alabama, so they are Southern Baptists.. His father is a preacher! Needless to say, they never liked my disbelief in god.. They didn't like that I actually forced their son to question the things they were teaching him.. After 7 years of fights, and biting my tongue, I had to give up.. Well, his mother didn't like the fact that she had no more control over our lives.. She couldn't stand that she hadn't seen her grandchildren in months, so one day, she called the local Child Welfare services and told them that she thought I was neglecting and abusing my children! This was the final straw! Some people, especially extremely religious ones cannot be reasoned with.. She still begs for forgiveness, but there is no forgiving what she did..

In your case, your in-laws should have never made you feel guilty about getting rid of your baby.. Your wife's life could have been in danger! It's not like you were just thinking about it to spite them.. Honestly, that would have been the last straw for me.. When someone values the life of a fetus, more than their own child, something is wrong there.. My advice would be to get them out of your life.. People like this do not change..

[HopeHoops]

37. Stay off of Facebook. I'm serious. I haven't logged in since August, mostly to avoid such things.

As for the in-laws, just make it clear that you won't visit unless they chill the fuck out. We did that with my mom and step-dad some years back. Shut them off from your son. Eventually they'll figure out that politics and religious views are off limits. They may not like you (as my mom and step-dad don't like my wife and I), but they are grandparents and want to indoctrinate your son, oh, and visit. My three daughters figured that out a LONG time ago.

[GoneOffShore]

38. As Dan Savage says in his column - DTMF'sA

Your in-laws sound like toxic emotional vampires. Cut the cord.

[lunatica]

39. You and your wife know what you're going to do already

When it comes to people making choices it really boils down to only two choices no matter how much emotions or guilt or anger or grief is involved.

1. You make a choice based on what you want which is based on emotion and the impact on the self.

2. You make a choice based on what's best which is based on reason and on the impact on everyone involved.

The two are not the same. And many times the choices are polar opposites.

[undeterred]

40. Be careful what you post on Democratic Underground

This applies to everyone.

Relatives who are looking for a fight will figure out who you are by the personal information that you reveal in posts like this. People who think its a virtue to hate homosexuality or who think its horrible for women to be in control of their bodies will consider this more fuel for the fire.

And a lof of so called Christians think its demonic to vote for a Democratic Black president who wants to make sure that everyone has health insurance coverage. I have no idea what Bible they're reading.

Abysmal hypocrites, loads of them.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

41. Somehow I don't think the OP's inlaws read DU, or have ever heard of it.