Possible Obama unity gestures. #1- Have dressage replace baseball as the national pastime.
#2- Admit the Cayman Islands into the Union as the 51st state (Now everyone with money there can pay their full tax rates, allowing them to feel even more patriotic).
#3- New stimulus package includes employing millions of arithmatic teacher to tutor Republican tax policy think-tanks in how budgets get balanced in reality.
#4- Sign the Billy Bedwetter Act, which pays for trauma counseling to Glenn Beck listeners as they slowly realize rioting minority youths are not actually coming for them.
#5- As troops withdraw from Afghanistan next year, Obama can send surplus MREs to NRA members still hunkered down in their bunkers waiting to fight back when the non-existent blue helmets and black helicoptors fail to show up.
#6- Send Ted Nugent a fleshlight and a bottle of lithium
#7- Pass new Civil Rights legislation including Orange as a protected class of ethnic minority and making "Crying Day" a national holiday
#8- Send the CIA to kill Gilbert Gottfried
#9- Include PBUH in fine print after the phrase "one nation under God" in future official copies of the Pledge of Allegience.
#10- Start the next Presidential Weekly Radio Address with a nice Bible passage. Perhaps Ezekiel 23:20 would take everyone's minds off their worries.
#11- Wait for Chris Christie to start trashtalking him again. Don't worry, it won't be long.
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