Encounter with an anti-vax waiter serving me food

[AdamGG]

My mom is 91 and in a nursing home. She left her apartment a year ago when she got COVID and recovered from that quickly, but her dementia was at the point where she couldn't live by herself any more. We're both fully vaxxed/boosted and I've taken her out to eat once or twice a week because she likes getting out and looks forward to it.

Last Wednesday night, a couple days before Christmas, I took her to IHOP because she doesn't eat much and it's the kind of thing she likes. Our waiter was about 60 years old and looked beaten down by life - pot belly, hair dyed black in a way that looked very fake, teardrop tattoos next to one eye, so maybe he'd been in prison.

He was actually nice and patient with my mom. With her dementia, it takes her a long time to order and it can be 10 minutes of looking at things on the menu, changing her mind and then forgetting and asking about the same item again. She started to chat a bit with the waiter while trying to order and mentioned that she'd had COVID. He then said, "yeah, but you're ok now, right?" and said, "I have my own beliefs about COVID." My mom didn't understand what he meant and I just stared at my phone while he carried on about how you can't trust doctors because they've all been sued for malpractice and everyone he knows who said they got COVID weren't very sick and got better.

After he waited on us, a couple women walked in who were wearing masks (no one else in there was but us) and they asked to be seated away from where everyone else was because they were worried about COVID. The waiter acted really aggravated and then walked up to a coworker or customer (I didn't bother turning my head to see) and said, "I'd like to take Nancy Pelosi and Fauci and throw 'em down and run that bus right over 'em."

I'm from Boston, but my mom lives outside Kansas City (Overland Park) and I've relocated here for now to help with her (only child). It's a bit of a culture shock how virtually everyone wears masks around Boston/Brookline/Cambridge compared to maybe 15% of people here. When I go to a coffeehouse to work on my laptop, I'm often the only one there with a mask and a couple times unmasked people were visibly coughing/congested (I moved or left).

I should have done something about the waiter, but because he'd been nice to my mom and seemed far too limited to learn from any feedback, I let it go. I also didn't want this sketchy guy to decide that I was the enemy and mess with the food. With the Omicron strain regularly breaking through to vaccinated people, I know I shouldn't be taking my mom out to eat any more, but it's one of few things she enjoys. I'm going to switch to more upscale places and the hot bar/eating area at Whole Foods, which seem to have more progressive (and likely vaxed) clientele.

I felt more pity than anger toward the waiter, though I have lots of hatred for the people who create the media that influences his limited mind. I thought of emailing a complaint to IHOP's national office, but hesitated because I might go back and didn't want to be remembered. I'm thinking now that I will send an email, but possibly not be descriptive in describing who the problem employee was.

[SharonClark]

1. This was a sad read.

Are you always so hesitant/indecisive or do you think you could be depressed about your mom, your move, Covid, etc?

I hope you are doing some things that make you happy.

[AdamGG]

3. I don't think I'm generally hesitant/indecisive

Last edited Mon Dec 27, 2021, 02:15 AM - Edit history (1)

I felt compassion for the pathetic waiter and was detached because I didn't think that anything I said was going to change the way that he was. It's true that I'm not in the happiest place right now, but would have engaged if I thought it could be productive.

Thanks for asking, I need to do more fun things, but one of my few outlets now has been long bike rides. There's about 50 miles of paved trails near here that are good for it.

[Skittles]

2. why are you taking someone 91 years old to dine in

why you YOU dining in

why not just pick up the food and eat where you know there are no maskholes?

I honestly don't get it.

[Celerity]

5. +1

[tiredtoo]

6. she is the 91 year old mother

with dementia who possibly has one joy left in life. Going out to eat. Give the poster a break he/she is trying to provide her that joy.

[Skittles]

8. sorry, no, not during a pandemic

nope

[tiredtoo]

10. Well then,

I honestly don't get it.

[Skittles]

11. it's Fauci's opinion too

EOM

[wackadoo wabbit]

14. I honestly hope that you never have to deal with someone with dementia

Let me add that it might be worthwhile to consider that old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes before making any judgement.

[Skittles]

15. I HAVE

and I stand by my opinion

[forthemiddle]

28. The pandemic will possibly be here for years

His Mom is 91 years old, and presumably nearing the end of her life.
Are you honestly saying she should give up her only joy in life? What makes “life” worth living then?
Everyone weighs there own risk, and AdamGG decided his Moms happiness is worth the risk.
I, too, would continue to do what makes my Mom happy. Life is too short as it is.

[PatSeg]

39. Yes, that's how I feel as well

At her age, any outing could be her last.

I appreciate AdamGG sharing his story and I think he explained why he did what he did quite well. I don't understand people being so quick to criticize others based on a few paragraphs on an Internet forum.

[LizBeth]

46. +1

[AdamGG]

53. Thank you. I'm ok with the criticism here

since it's meant as concern for my & my mom's health/welfare and was said civilly. It's an odd situation to navigate with different risks/benefits and I value the input (at least I value it more than the IHOP waiter's opinions...).

[PatSeg]

58. You have a great attitude

Thanks for sharing your story.

[AdamGG]

7. That's what I may do going forward

My mom is very lonely at the nursing home and likes to go out. She asks about it every time I talk to her. Up until Omicron, being fully vaccinated was considered fairly effective.

In Boston/Cambridge some people would yell at me if I rode by in the street on my bike without a mask (only place I didn't wear it). Still struck by how huge the cultural difference is.

[Skittles]

9. I have found that maskholes are everywhere

but they particularly prevalent in Trump humping areas

[AdamGG]

12. From what I've seen, even though more progressive areas have mandates

more pressure on the unmasked comes from the general public, who are visibly pissed off at them.

[forthemiddle]

29. Continue to make her happy

And don’t worry about what others on an anonymous internet site have to say.
Let her enjoy life before dementia takes that from her!
Years from now, you will be happy that you have these special times with her, in her happy place, and not in the nursing home room.

[PatSeg]

41. You are a really good son

Relocating to Kansas City to be closer to your elderly mother is very touching. I really appreciated your post, your patience and kindness is inspiring. Your mother is lucky to have a son like you, though I assume she must be a wonderful mother as well.

[yardwork]

45. For what it's worth, I think you're making a wise choice to take your mom out.

My mother is a few years younger than yours. Mom has very advanced dementia. She wouldn't be able to eat out now, but if she enjoyed it, I wouldn't hesitate to take her. Quality of life is more important than longevity now.

[shrike3]

4. Boston to Kansas City. Talk about culture shock.

How very, very nice of you to do this for your mom.

I think switching to more upscale places will probably help.

[Sucha NastyWoman]

16. Or try pick up some food and going on a "picnic"

I’m betting just getting out and spending time with you is what makes her happy, not dining in a restaurant.

[jimfields33]

26. Picnic in December? The idea is good.

Depending on weather. I know it was a little warmer in areas but picnic weather?

[Sucha NastyWoman]

33. It was 84 on Christmas

And we have had so few days below 60 degrees this “winter”, I forgot for a moment that it IS winter.

[Blue_Adept]

34. It's a beautiful 49 degrees there now

And most of the week is in the 40s. It's cold there.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

13. I used to live in Overland Park. Raised my two sons there.

Still have family and friends there. It's in many ways a wonderful place. Don't let the naysayers put you off. I do know that mask wearing there is somewhat casual, alas.

I live in Santa Fe, NM, and here at least 90% of people are properly masked. I ate at the local IHop on Saturday, and our waiter was masked, although we didn't get into a discussion about vaccines. We did thank him for working on Christmas Day. He was an excellent server, and we tipped him even more generously than we normally do these days.

I've had jobs where I've worked holidays, including Christmas, and so I'm highly appreciative of those who do that.

[No Vested Interest]

17. Get on a local app (NextDoor is the one I know about) and ask people

which restaurants (if any) they recommend for Covid safety, or for other alternatives.
Stay away from places where young unvaccinated children are likely to be.

Good luck, and keep Mom safe.

[orleans]

18. OR how about picking up your mom, picking up some food

and going back to your place to eat?
do a different table cloth, a little vase with a couple flowers, candles?

make a nice drink or coffee or flavored tea and have a conversation--tell her stories, rate the food, music or tv background

i don't know-- after lunch or dinner go for a ride, or a short walk

i'm a lot younger than she is and haven't been in a restaurant since before lockdown in march 2020.

i hope to god your waiter was wearing a mask (at the very least)

[Celerity]

19. Not even post vax and/or booster and before Omicron?

i'm a lot younger than she is and haven't been in a restaurant since before lockdown in march 2020

[orleans]

20. nope. i work around a ton of kids and have a one yr old granddaughter

and have never taken off my mask around them. sometimes the kids have crappy masks or they pull them down (to talk or cough! before i can tell them not to do that) and i know vaxed & boosted can still carry some viral load and i make a tremendous effort to never be the one who gives one of these kids covid.

i wouldn't sit in a restaurant to possibly pick up something and then share it with my granddaughter or anyone else -- since i don't wear n95 masks while visiting the little one or while working; just a multilayered cloth mask

[AdamGG]

35. Thanks for the suggestions, but

I already do those things as well. She comes back to where I am and hangs out frequently. We usually watch things on my laptop. There's a good Frank Sinatra documentary on Netflix that we watch and rewatch and I show her clips on YouTube of old movies, more Sinatra & Tony Bennett & Perry Como, clips of dogs and cats, etc. With the dementia, I can show clips of the same things the next week and she usually doesn't remember. I spent a lot of time going through old family photos with her.

But, she still asks to go out to eat and when she was fully vaccinated and the staff wore masks (a lot of times in half assed ways with their nose sticking out), I judged that the limited risk for a vaccinated person was worth it. That zombie IHOP waiter was not wearing a mask, nor was any of the staff there. Most of the employees (and customers) in most of the stores I go to here are not wearing them. There was a mandate, but it ended on Nov. 1 or in October (don't remember). In a few national chains, like Starbucks and Whole Foods, the employees wear them, but they're the exception at this point.

As different as this is from Boston, Kansas City & Johnson County, KS are kind of a liberal island with Democratic US Congress reps. It's hardcore Trump country for hundreds of miles in any direction and if people are 15% masked here, it must be 0% there.

[Violet_Crumble]

57. My mum's also got dementia and is in a nursing home...

If she wasn't immobile, I'd do the same thing for her as you're doing for your mum. I got so frustrated when mum's nursing home wouldn't allow visitors for 3 months during lockdown and then the first time I visited after that, a staff member told me off for walking into a common area even though I had a mask on. They told me off with their mask down under their chin. So annoying. At 91 your mum deserves to enjoy the rest of her life, and as long as the risks you take for her are calculated, I can't see a problem with them.

Kudos to the waiter for being kind and patient with your mum, but fuck him for being so selfish that he's willing to spread the virus that could kill her...

[Mike Nelson]

21. I think...

... I would have acted the same way. You set an example with your behavior... I try to think of a way to softly challenge these people. A big scene is out of the question and goes nowhere. It's difficult to think of ways to help. This waiter has likely been broken in life, and that's the type of person susceptible to The Donald's schemes.

[AdamGG]

42. I had an Uber driver that was playing Sean Hannity on the radio

(also in Overland Park). It was a 10 minute trip and I didn't say anything. I left him a 4 star review with a comment saying that he should realize that his passengers may not share his politics and not want to listen to that and he should consider them since they're paying for the ride.

I thought that relaying the message in a nice way like that could have more effect than including it with a 1 or 2 star review. But, maybe I'm just too nice and being more of a squeaky wheel would work better.

[bedazzled]

49. I had the opposite experience on an uber...

The young driver was listening to Spanish music when i got in the car. He immediately switched to soft rock. I thought that was sweet and funny, cuz i love Spanish music! Gave him a big tip! Would have done the same as you did with hannity though

[Mike Nelson]

51. I think...

... that was an excellent way to deliver the message. The driver would be much more likely to turn Hannity off, now, I think.

[Meowmee]

22. Agree don't take her out to eat

It is too much of a risk. My father died as a result of being infected at an er due to negligence, the same hospital murdered him nearly a year later with more gross negligence. I would give anything to have him back, to not have taken him there to not have him be murdered by them and this country, to have sent him back to Canada. He would still be alive. He also had covid dementia, it damaged his brain, heart, bladder and more. And they did absolutely nothing to treat it after infecting him.

Even for you it is not safe, you have to take off your mask to eat and those places are full of crazy unvaxed people etc. like that waiter.

[MissMillie]

23. What bothers me about this story

Too many of the anti-vax/anti-mask people have no consideration for people who WANT to be careful.

It's bad enough that they don't want to be a part of protecting themselves, their families and their communities, but they are aggravated by people who DO want to be part of the solution.

Apparently "muh freedom" doesn't extend to people who WANT this pandemic over.

[luv2fly]

24. Others have already mentioned more "upscale" dining locations

And that makes a lot of sense. I also wonder if you call ahead and talk to the manager, perhaps you can be seated away from everybody else or even in a small room if they have one.

These times require extraordinary creativity, we all have to think outside the box. I'm sorry for the people who judge you for trying to keep your mother happy, dementia is a horrible thing for families to deal with.

[leftyladyfrommo]

25. Come North of the River . Lots of people here still wear

masks and no one pays any attention.

[AdamGG]

37. North of what river?

I wouldn't think the area immediately north of here on the other side of the Missouri River would be better, but that's what people here usually mean when they say that.

That IHOP is particularly bad. Some more upscale restaurants would likely be more evolved, but my mom complains about anything with spice and IHOP was a workable bland option.

[myohmy2]

27. sad...

"...hatred for the people who create the media that influences his limited mind."

...who would have thought the pukes could have spun a pandemic into politics and would have done it so successfully with so many people considering our modern scientific era...

...as for taking your mother out, it's sort of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'...the risks could be higher but if so, by how much?

...we could all live in hermetically sealed rooms but life would get very tedious and boring...your Mom could be at high risk from someone in her nursing home and you wouldn't know it...just keep protecting ourselves as best we can...

...puke inspired pandemics suck...

[AdamGG]

56. Thanks. There have always been anti-intellectual regressive elements in this country

but 30 years of Limbaugh inspired AM radio and Faux and internet conspiracy theories have taken a toll.

I don't think many reasonable people who were around when Martin Luther King marched on Washington or when we landed on the moon, thought that we'd be here now. 42% of the people seem to be permanently lost to reality.

[AntivaxHunters]

30. Places like IHOP should be avoided

First off, congratulations on you mom surviving Covid at 91 years of age.
There should be an award for that considering that is an amazing feat at her age. That happens very rarely.

Secondly, places like IHOP should be avoided at all & any & all costs.
The demographic makeup skews heavily towards a population who is very antivax. As it is, places like this which are in close quarters are very dangerous at the moment, especially places which don't have vaccine mandates in order to enter. While this may run some the wrong way, a pancake isn't worth risking your life over & going to such a place is literally asking for trouble.

If you must dine out, choosing a place which isn't "Covid friendly" would be a better choice & looking at how such places skewer age wise is a wise & logical decision. Places like IHOP, Denny's, Perkins, and Village Inn should have a big stop sign in front of them. A better choice would be a local indy place which is more aimed at a younger generation. I say this because of not only demographics but also places like that are more likely to have vaccine mandates. Also, check Yelp for reviews. Often times you will read reviews that list their Covid policy written from people who have dined there.

be safe out there folks!

[Emile]

31. I leave waiters like that a quarter tip. I picked up at a coin shop

fake gold plated US quarters with a picture of President Obama on one side. I picked up ten of them for one dollar apiece. Last time I was in the coin shop I asked for more of them, the owner of the shop said he was sold out. He said a guy came in yesterday and bought everyone of them. Then he said the guy was going to take them home and shoot holes through them. I said that wasn't very conservative of him!

[AdamGG]

38. That's awesome.

Somewhat embarrassed to say that I gave that waiter a normal tip because he was kind and patient with my mom, but the thought of his head exploding when he saw that his tip was an Obama coin has me laughing. I'm going to order some of those online for this purpose. It will be one way to better tolerate my time in the sticks.

[PatSeg]

43. Being kind and patient to your mom

certainly warrants a normal tip. It is a crappy job and obviously his life isn't the greatest. Clearly he is ill-informed and probably brainwashed, but he has managed to maintain some humanity.

[AdamGG]

44. True, those were my thoughts exactly

So, maybe I would have given him the Obama coin along with the rest of his tip, but I've always loved pranks and leaving those for some of these MAGAT's would keep me chuckling.

[PatSeg]

48. Yes, in combination with a regular tip

would be fun. It is very rare that I have ever totally stiffed a server, as I know how hard the job is and how poorly they are paid, not to mention, they are often treated like dirt. Who knows, the guy might even have a sense of humor.

[BlackSkimmer]

32. Surely you can find somewhere a bit better to take her out?

Ugh IHOP. I wouldn’t eat there even without a pandemic.

[Meowmee]

55. Agree

I ate there long before pandemic with my father because there was no where else close and I had to eat due to bg. I had brought most of my own food. All I had were two scrambled eggs and tea, I told them I need it to be gluten free. Guess what- cramps started soon after, not just for me but for my father as well. It smelled rancid when we walked in, I should have known better. It was a total dump, never again.

I can't believe some of the places I used to eat, I basically do not eat out anymore with very few exceptions due to health issues, long before the pandemic. Please be aware you have no idea what is in your food, what the quality is, who had a virus when they touched your food and so on in restaurants. The quality control and knowledge about food content has never been well regulated in many, even the ones that actually have an idea of what a carb count is and list it somewhere- but never usually on the menus. I remember eating at a taco bell on a road trip with my x and having to pull over with severe runs not long after at a park, no toilet. Never again. Last time I ate in a restaurant that separates the kitchen for gluten, I had severe vomiting and runs by 5 am and I was ill for a few days. That ended my attempts to eat out except for some rare exceptions and some rare takeout which my family orders.

[Hortensis]

36. Sounds like you're doing good under some adversity, AdamGG.

I do wish you could be in Boston (I wish I could be in Boston!), but oh well. Your mom's a fortunate woman. I wonder where my son might take me? He knows I'm fond of Popeyes.

An email's free and might do some good. Fwiw, here in very red GA where few mask I barely need both hands to count how many times I've eaten inside in the past year, but I chose restaurants with empty tables and asked to be sat away from others, and each time been quietly accommodated without being served up a ration.

Carry on.

[AdamGG]

40. Thanks, I've done that too

There's a Chinese place where the majority of their business is take out, but they do allow people to dine in. I've taken my mom there a few times and it's just us eating, or a couple other tables where the customers are sensibly seated far apart.

[yardwork]

47. I think you made the right choice.

Businesses are terribly understaffed right now.

[bedazzled]

50. I understand why it us important to you and her

After a certain point you have no pleasures left. They told my 90 year old friend she couldn't have salt anymore and she was miserable. I told her the doctor probably wouldn't live that long.

I think whole foods is a great idea! Lots of flexibility

[AdamGG]

54. I'm aware what the teardrop tats signify

That's what I was Googling on my phone while the waiter babbled about COVID.

I wasn't implying that "upscale" people aren't susceptible to viruses. My obvious point was one of relative risk being less in an environment where a higher percentage of the people are wearing masks and more likely to be vaccinated.

It's not like I haven't considered your point that the risk exceeds the benefit with breakthrough infections being more common with Omicron. The snark would be a better fit for arguing with Trump supporters on another message board than the tone of what I said here, though.