"Parents and Friends of Rape Survivors" Or "Mothers Against Sexual Assault"
I've been thinking a lot today about Daisy Coleman.
And about the terrible pain that her mother and others who loved her must be feeling now, since Daisy committed suicide a few days ago. Nine years ago she was dumped in her front yard -- a 14-year old girl with her hair frozen to the snow and with frostbite on her hands and her feet, after being raped by her older brother's "best friend". It was freezing outside, she could have died; but her 18-year old attacker MATTHEW BARNETT ended up with a misdemeanor charge of child endangerment, ended up with probation, no prison.
The TOWN attacked the VICTIMS.
Daisy became an activist and spoke out against rape. She helped create an organization called SafeBAE, "Before Anyone Else". But her mother on Facebook seems to be discouraging donations to that organization, saying that the money goes to 'lawyers' and isn't helping victims. (Her mother requests donations at gofundme for Daisy Coleman's funeral to help with those expenses.) I'm sure her mother is beside herself with grief, having lost husband and son to car wreck and now her daughter.
But I do think there needs to be a nationwide support group for family members and friends of rape survivors. And that's what this post is about.
Support groups such as:
MADD: In the 1970s, drunk driving was generally discussed as a big joke. It was not seen as shameful or even terribly abnormal. "A little too much to drink." But in 1980, Mothers Against Drunk Driving was founded. Newspapers would occasionally write sad stories profiling a local victim of a 'drunk driver', but with MADD, a voice was given to the voiceless. MADD pushed for accountability and stricter laws against drunk driving. They gathered statistics, supported each other, lobbied for change, and focused the anger of the mothers whose children died or were seriously injured by drunk drivers into change. Laws have been changed and so have attitudes. MADD holds Victim Impact Panels, where victims and survivors tell their stories -- of pain, struggle and loss -- to offenders, to make them understand the serious consequences of their behavior.
PFLAG: In the early 1970s, being gay was seen as a source of embarrassment or shame throughout most of the culture. In 1973, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) was founded by a mother who wanted to publicly support her gay son. Eventually, Gay Straight Alliances were formed in schools to provide a way for straight people to bond with, and give support to, their gay classmates. Instead of nothing but bullying, silence, or harassment, teens can find acceptance and mutual support.
AL-ANON: Family members of alcoholics struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, being overwhelmed, helplessness at watching the self-destruction or feeling attacked by the very person they try to help. The support group Al-Anon started in 1951 to help these family members learn to support their loved ones while also caring for themselves and resolving their own feelings of guilt. "You are not alone."
What is there for parents of rape victims? Resources for rape survivors exist, but there's no nationwide alliance group with the stature of MADD or PFLAG.
There should be. The proposed "PFORS" or "MASA" would:
*be a support group for family members, to help deal with guilt, pain, and shame; to share coping strategies
*channel the anger and grief into action and into the creation of a powerful force for change
*be a clearinghouse for statistics about the frequency, the consequences, and the prosecution of rape
*provide a focal point for resources
*arrange Victim Impact Panels not only targeting lesser offenders but also to educate the community at large
*lobby for substantive prosecution and sentencing, as well as reparations (to victims, for therapy and second chances at life when the trauma derails their education and self-esteem, etc.)
What if this small town had been inundated with messaging and information about supporting victims? With stories from rape survivors? What if PFORS or MASA had a pro-bono legal arm that specialized in prosecution of rape of minors?
She needed support from the community from Day One, and justice from the judge. Her family needed support too.
This CHILD was only 14, yet the TOWN attacked the VICTIMS.
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