Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate

[Rhiannon12866]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “passing of the baton,” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate.

Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”

“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”

According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.

While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.

“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/rand-paul-thanks-tom-cotton-for-replacing-him-as-most-hated-person-in-senate



Photograph by Bill Clark / CQ Roll Call / AP

[underpants]

1. These two should be proud

Keeping Cruz in, at best, third is no easy task.

[Major Nikon]

2. We should probably congratulate Tom Cotton

In a very short period of time he managed to pull off what Rand Paul and his neo-confederate dipshit dad never could, not without lack of trying. He made a very convincing case of how historical revisionism and the whitewashing of America's history of slavery is still alive and well.

So fuck you, Tom Cotton with a cactus. But also thank you for stepping on your dick so brilliantly as to call attention to something centuries overdue.

[smirkymonkey]

3. I knew this was going to be Borowitz even before opening it!

It's amazing, each one of them is more loathsome than the next, and the strange thing is, that is why their constituents like them and vote for them. Can anyone think of one Republican politician that isn't completly odious?

Anyway, hilarious piece! Thanks for posting, Rhiannon!

[Rhiannon12866]

6. That was my first thought, too!

Why is Tom Cotton still in office after his traitorous actions going against the Obama administration in his letter to Iran?? How anyone votes for these morans boggles the mind - and it's a very long list, including Rand Paul, Mitch McConnell and the equally odious Ted Cruz!

[Zambero]

4. Ted Cruz desperately wants it back again

For a while he must have figured it was a lifetime award, until Rand Paul cunningly figured ways to steal it from him. As far as Susan Collins goes, she won't be around long enough to partake in this "honor". Hopefully Mitch and Lindsey will get dumped from from the waiting list as well!

[MFM008]

5. Its a photo

Finish.

[Rhiannon12866]

8. There are so many contenders that it's tough to pick a winner

Tom Cotton deserves to be right up there since his undermining of President Obama, but then so is McConnell for the same thing! And I still don't know why anyone voted for Ted Cruz!

[crickets]

7. Borowitz is on fire lately.

Then again, Repubs are giving him so much to work with...

[Rhiannon12866]

10. Exactly!

He has his choice of the numerous "scandals of the day"

[Gothmog]

9. I love good satire

[brer cat]

11. Borowitz makes my day!

K&R

[Rhiannon12866]

12. He sure makes the days more tolerable

We need some humor these days more than ever!