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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsInconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint
WASHINGTONFollowing months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint.
I swore Id never take the cowards way out, but what choice do I have? said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands.
This is it. Ive taken four puffs to make sure theres no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, Im sorry Ive failed you so.
At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.
https://politics.theonion.com/inconsolable-jeff-sessions-tries-to-commit-suicide-by-s-1826462420
A blast from the Onion archives...
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Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint (Original Post)
Zorro
Jul 2020
OP
theres a teeeeeny part of me that kinda sorta sometimes feels a bit of pity for him..
samnsara
Jul 2020
#1
samnsara
(17,622 posts)1. theres a teeeeeny part of me that kinda sorta sometimes feels a bit of pity for him..
..he did the right thing by recusing himself....and that made life rough for trump* for a bit. And the way trump* treats him is brutal..
Nevilledog
(51,122 posts)2. It's probably cuz he's a Keebler elf.
sop
(10,193 posts)3. Who could have guessed, after first achieving fame as the banjo-playing boy in Deliverance, and
then growing up to become the first national political figure to publicly support Trump, poor little Jefferson Beauregard would come to such an ignominious end? Life can be so unfair.
tavernier
(12,392 posts)4. Ok, I laughed out loud at the headline.
Three times.
Kid Berwyn
(14,909 posts)5. He mends fences with the Klan.
Peace Pipe, in a were.
ZZenith
(4,124 posts)6. The pegboard's a nice touch.
Zambero
(8,964 posts)7. I would have figured a moonshine enema instead
"Kindly fuck y'all,"
Signed,
Boofregard