Today's Big Stuff. 6.9.20

[Celerity]

Happy Tuesday. There are 147 days until the presidential election. Barr busts Bunker Bitch, a deranged man declares war on a senior citizen because Sputnik told him to and an official welcome to the U.S. recession.



https://us3.campaign-archive.com/?u=95243b67bc6530fa81420f617&id=98ba20cce9

Note: Hey y’all! The last several days have meant so much to us. We have seen the true spirit of America alive and well and filling the streets with calls for justice and equality. As such, we’ve been trying to be a little more high-minded and positive and encouraging since so many have raised their voices and sang to us a song of hope. But can we talk for a second about what absolute fucking gutter trash the Trump kids are? First of all, there is no question that Don Jr, Eric and Ivanka were all birthed through Satan’s asshole and shit on this great land as a curse, an insult and a way to stop them from fucking up Hell worse than it already is. So there they were, tiny demon butthole babies, with a cruel orange moron for a father and a series of European models who slapped them if they even thought of using the word mom. We don’t normally get biblical, but these monsters are just that awful. Did you see Ivanka saying her speech was canceled because of cancel culture? Look here, Daddy’s Little Love Interest, if cancel culture was real you and your family would be marooned on a desert island where we never had to fucking hear from you or your so-called brothers again. Or shot off into space with Elon and the Fox and Friends. Anyway, we aim to get back to hope and change and good feelings soon, but today we wanted to remind everyone that Ivana and Donald must be brother and sister who had sex in a haunted mansion while being jabbed with Voodoo pins because that’s the only way you explain kids who are that awful. As Rodney Dangerfield so eloquently said in Caddyshack, “Now I know why tigers eat their young.” More: New York Times

Note two: Sometimes we feel bad about cussing so much. And then we remember walking and talking genital warts like this are referred to as religious leaders. More: Washington Post

Note three: Please give this one a read. More: Houston Chronicle

Note four: These two stories kind of tell us everything we need to know. One headlines is “Trump hasn’t met with protesters or visited Minneapolis despite precedent.”

The other is about how Biden met with Geoge Floyd’s family. Let’s not screw up this obvious choice, America. More: CNN, LA Times

Note five: Wanna see some kickass journalism? More: Washington Post

Note six: Amid all the awful yesterday, we genuinely LOLed when Trump pulled out the worst pollster in the world to try and debunk all the polls that show him losing. Even for a fucking loser like Trump, this was pathetic. WaPo’s Philip Bump mocked it perfectly. More: Washington Post

Note seven: We love y’all. Have a great day and please be safe.

Bunker Bitch busted by Barr!

We have some bad news. It turns out the president of the United States was lying to us all when he said he only went down to the bunker during the day, for a few minutes and only for an inspection. We know. We know. It’s crushing. It was just so believable. But, in an effort to justify his own scummy actions -- namely teargassing peaceful, innocent protesters -- Barr confessed on Fox that Trump went to the bunker at night and because of protesters, like the cowardly chickenshit that he is. Bunker bitch is a terribly inartful term. Frankly, we prefer to avoid the b-word despite all our cussing. But we’ve stuck with this mostly because it makes his idiot supporters super mad. Well, that’s what you get for thinking a gameshow host who’s afraid of the rain is a goddamn tough guy. More: Bloomberg

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[SWBTATTReg]

1. You too, have a great day and be safe! Thanks for posting this, very informative and ...

I enjoyed. Especially the part where gutter mouth has to hire his own pollsters to refute the overwhelming evidence that he's losing and very badly at that too.

Rump really is the 'biggest loser'.

[Backseat Driver]

2. My thought was he went to test the water pressure of flushes

in his personal crapper down there, having taken an inspection tour of the rest of them around the WH so no DNA would be retrieveable by playing with the American Standard's handle and FluidMaster tank internals with his own tiny hand(s), LOL! Oops, missed one! It only takes a few minutes, therefore, to test the mechanism 10 to 15 times - who but a toddler, germaphobe, or one with a paranoid genetic festish is fascinated with the quality of flushing a functional commode??? Then again, he's probably too elite to do the sanitary flushing of his own chamber pot.