Nation's Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Utopia They're Living In

[Zorro]

NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in.

“To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether it’s automated high-volume stock trading or unlimited surveillance footage of my employees, it’s like something out of a science fiction paradise,” said pharmaceutical executive Ron Pollard, who claimed previous generations of police officers, elected officials, and business leaders could never comprehend the world of unlimited possibilities that has been created for them, where they are free to do whatever they want all the time.

“Walking through these plants staffed entirely by hyper-efficient robots, facial recognition cameras, maybe even luxury space travel, it’s almost like I’m living in a dream. There’s massive unemployment, and yet the stock market is surging. We’ve finally achieved a perfect society. It’s simply breathtaking to watch law enforcement arresting citizens for just going about their daily lives. Corporate lobbyists write up laws that only benefit the wealthy and elite. It’s like a never-ending dream. If Rockefeller or Henry Frick could see this sublime world, they would weep with joy. I don’t even need to employ a servant anymore when gig workers, that I can summon with the touch of a button, can do so much more at fraction of the cost.”

Pollard added that with the rapid advancements of the past few decades he expected his children would inherit a world that, for them, would be even more unrestrained and full of possibilities.

https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-politicians-law-enforcement-corporate-execut-1843568548