BROKEN: Trump Orders All Beaches to Open

[MineralMan]

President Sends Americans to Beach for UV Exposure

by Sunny Deigh

After a Homeland Security expert nobody had ever seen before said that UV light and disinfectants destroy the COVID-19 virus quickly at the April 23 White House Corona Briefing, the pResident offered a couple of suggestions off the cuff about maybe putting strong light inside the body or perhaps injecting disinfectants "strongly" into the body. Following an immediate negative response to his idiotic and naive suggestions, he issued a new statement in a White House Press release, handed to the press corps by new Press Secretary Kaleigh McEnemy. The content of the press release, apparently written by Trump himself, said:

"My experts tell me that UV light rays, very strong, very strong, destroy the Invisible Enemy in less than a minute and we must destroy this virus, which came from China by the way, very strongly and powerfully. My scientists tell me that the sun makes UV rays very powerfully, so I hereby order all beaches on our tremendous oceans and even our beautiful lakes to open immediately and all Americans should go to their nearest beach and expose themselves to the sun's incredible rays to get plenty of wonderful, beautiful UV light exposure."

"For maximum results, this should be done while wearing no clothing if you are young and attractive or with some clothing if you are old, ugly, or fat because, I hate to tell you, nobody wants to see that, my friends. So get a good sunburn from those powerful, virus killing UV light rays from the Sun and then you can go directly back to work because Americans want to work to restore my amazing economy that I created to be the best economy and the strongest - so strong, so powerful! Go to the beach today, my fellow Americans, and destroy this hidden curse from China as soon as possible."

Press Secretary McEnemy took no questions.

[Atticus]

1. I am so stealing "McEnemy". nt

[MineralMan]

2. Yes. Everyone keeps misspelling her name.

[unblock]

3. trump gives advice: the leech creature teaches each to reach for bleach on the beach.

[MineralMan]

4. Nicely done internal rhyming!

[Solomon]

5. And don't forget to enjoy sipping a good Lysol cocktail while

sunning yourself.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. We might be seeing a lot of this:

?quality=90&strip=all&w=1324

https://nypost.com/2019/11/26/perineum-sunning-is-latest-insanity-wellness-influencers-swear-by/

[MineralMan]

8. Oh, my!

Is she sunning her hoo-hoo?

[In_The_Wind]

12. Another good reason to avoid the beach.

Besides that, it's too damn cold in the northeast.

[Mrs. Overall]

7. I completely misread this title as "Trump Orders All Bleaches Open"

[aka-chmeee]

9. Me too!

So many threads have "Bleach" in the title, I'm starting to expect it.

[MineralMan]

10. That's an easy misteak to make.

[justhanginon]

14. Love it!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

11. Imbleach the president!

[MineralMan]

13. LOL!

[LeftInTX]

15. Me three!!