A form letter from governors of early opening states dated (approx) mid to late May.
Dear fellow (insert early opening state name) I am governor (insert dumbasses name) and I am here to apologize for sickening so many of you. Through my ignorance and denial of science and good safety measures I have killed many citizens of my state and am having a sad.
Against all common sense and medical advice I opened beaches, bars, hair salons and restaurants. Now the casualties are mounting and even though I am in a nice safe undisclosed location I fear....well, you. These places became viral cesspools.
My only defense is that I am a Republican, I tend to down play that lately. I listened to the blustering of the chief maniac, er ah...Republican and he said it’s all good, no worries dude...go for it or else. So I obeyed as a good sycophant would.
Who could have imagined a pedicure could result in such slaughter. A few drinks at the local watering hole, some laughs about those stupid liberals up north hiding in their safe places, who would think such innocent activities could wipe out whole families.
We had our guns ready to go, gonna shoot at the first sign of a virus. It wasn’t enough, God didn’t send angels, he sent science and we ignored it. Our weapon of defense against this onslaught was our brains and I chose to follow the really big brained guy in D.C. You know, the one with the best words.
Well, so now here we are, caught in a viral soup, spiraling down the drain. Our hospitals overrun, our medical professions exhausted, our safety net shredded. I have no choice but to offer my resignation...no, not offer, submit. I’m getting the hell out of here before...um, ah...I think I’m having a headache. You say my temperature is what? Why am I having trouble breathing? Quick, get me one of the five hundred ventilators I have buried in my bunker.
