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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsI'm Home Alone With the News, and Trump Hasn't Been Cut From My Copy, Dammit (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, Santa left me a couple cases of my favorite IPA, and a new pair of shit-kickin boots, so Im all outfitted for a whole new year of resistin'. Lets plow through one last news roundup, and march on to 2020, when we finally get rid of this treasonous fuckhead once and for all, shall we?
(You totally know this by now, but if you want the post with links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/im-home-alone-with-the-news-and-trump-hasnt-been-cut-from-my-copy-dammit/)
Im sure you all enjoyed the latest full frontal assault on Real Murica in our annual War on Xmas; I know nothing makes me feel any hollier or jollier than crushing the traditional values of decent folk, like, for example, Arizona Congressjag Paul Gosar, who marked the season of love and hope and giving by tweeting out an old video of Hillary Clinton nearly getting killed by a piece of falling lighting equipment during an interview. You cant even get mad at a guy like that; if youre so deranged with hatred that you dont have anything better to do on Xmas Day, bro, your life is its own reward.
Meanwhile Fake Historian/Actual Felon Dinesh DSouza manifested his holiday spirit by...feuding with Auschwitz Museum on Twitter. For real. I swear. Look, I dont make the news, I just write extremely juvenile jokes about it.
I see Chuck Todd has finally begun to theatrically scratch his chin and theorize that theres something fishy going on with these Republican types. Say, mused Chuckles, the dimmest imaginable cartoon lightbulb appearing above his head, I do believe those right-wing fellows have been using my softball interviews as a platform to spread misinformation! before ordering his scheduling team to book even more right-wing liars on his show to spread even more misinformation.
...if I die soon, Im going to use my dying breaths to scrawl Facebook, reality TV, and bothsidesism in the dirt with my finger, so that future generations will know what brought about the end of humanity.
Good news for the tremblingly insecure man-baby who throws himself a party every time he breaks 50% in a Rasmussen survey, we finally found a poll where youre the runaway victor! Of course, its a German poll, and it doesnt so much measure job approval as among the worlds many authoritarian crotchtumors, who is the single biggest threat to world peace? Still, you ran circles around your buddy, Kim Jong-un, whichll give you something to brag about the next time hes making you jump through hoops for his own amusement.
After nearly three years of nonstop crime and scandal, Oklahoma Senator James Lankford has finally mustered the dollhouse teacups worth of courage to buck Republican Party orthodoxy and proclaim that Hairplug Himmler, Thief of Charity Funds and Opener of Concentration Camps, is, and you may want to be near a fainting couch before you continue reading...not a good role model for thkids. Such moral courage hasnt been seen since Thomas More, surely. Naturally, we should expect Lankford to continue voting with Captain Shitty Role Model 90% of the time, including letting him off the hook for all his well-documented high crimes, and also Mr. Trump, sir, I can stand guard at the front door of the National Archives while you set the Constitution on fire, if youd like that, sir?
If youre looking for a role model, kiddo, there are plenty of examples close by, all you have to do is pull your head out Donnie Two-Scoops ass and look across the proverbial aisle.
A new Federal Reserve study tells us that Strawberry Shartcakes idiot tariffs backfired, leading to job losses and higher prices and other general crotch stomps to the American economy. Does it really count as backfiring when literally everyone with two brain cells to rub together expected this result, though? Like holy shit, my Crab-Rangoon-and-Häagen-Dazs diet backfired, who could have foreseen this mysterious and unexpected outcome?
As you are no doubt aware, theres been a wave of anti-Semitic violence sweeping over New York City, horrifically punctuated by a mass stabbing at a rabbis house during a Hanukkah celebration. Im sure there were some Very Fine People️ on both sides of the attacks, right?
While Jewish Americans struggled to cope with the inevitable consequences of stochastic terrorism fed by the constant bigotry emanating from the highest office in the land, the Presidents large adult son was quick to condemn the hatred and violence, offering to assist the grieving communities in any way he JUST KIDDING the kid had a total meltdown because his douchebag dads cameo got cut from the Canadian broadcast of Home Alone 2, which Cult45 apparently interprets as a massive media conspiracy, instead of a years-old decision to trim the film to accommodate commercial breaks. Man, it must be exhausting, perpetually scanning the world for bullshit excuses to claim victimhood.
(I write this from the trenches outside Toronto, by the way; Dear Leader has demanded bloody restitution and restoration of his scene, plus a sequel in which he and Kevin McCallister go on a road trip, beat up Antifa together, and score a bunch of chicks.)
And we learned more about Pumpkin Spice Pol Pots favorite new campaign surrogate, Eddie Gallagher. Now, Im not always the most pleasant person to be around, but Im proud to say Ive never been described as freaking evil by any past co-workers, but then, Im not a psychopathic mass murderer. I dunno, maybe he likes hanging out with Eddie because it means hes not necessarily the most reprehensible sack of shit in the room, which must be a refreshing change.
Locked away in the Shart House over the long holiday weekend with no company beyond the hallucinations brought on by his experimental hair tonic, President Gas Station Urinal Cake went on a so-unhinged-youd-think-there-was-an-accident-at-the-door-factory Twitter rant that not only publicly outed the alleged whistleblower, but lent the presidential pulpit to several of the frothiest lunatics in the QAnon movement. This commitment to ever-more-ridiculous levels of misinformation will probably have truly terrible consequences for our beloved country, but we shouldnt rule out the possibility of transforming into a civilization like the aliens in Galaxy Quest, who believed old television shows were historical documentaries. I mean, yeah, were probably headed for some sort of dystopia, but theres an outside chance it will also be hilarious.
Well, the Candycorn Skidmark had another secret phone call with his BFF Vlad, and like always, he tried to hide it from the American public, but then Pootie-Poo blabbed about it to the whole cafeteria during lunchtime, and also the stuff about Donnie wetting the bed and trying to make it look like pee hookers did it, how embarrassing. Anyway, the Not at All a Russian Asset Prez is still sneaking around behind Americas back to whisper sweet nothings at the dude who ordered an attack on our last presidential election, KEWL*.
Well, you probably saw the thing where the Failing New York Times did that deep dive into whats currently known about Weehands McNodicks what-if-the-Three-Stooges-did-a-bunch-of-meth-and-then-conducted-international-diplomacy crime spree, and its what the Poet would call a doozy. Its a tale full of crimes and lies and coverups, with a quivering orange pile of poo in the middle, desperate for fabricated dirt on a man he knows he could never hope to defeat, in either a fair election or a push-up contest.
Democrats point to new revelations in the article as evidence that co-conspirators like Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pompeo must testify in the Senates impeachment trial, while Mitch McConnell, of course, sees only more evidence to be swept under the rug, and theres already so much shit down there that he bumps his little turtle head on the ceiling every time he sits behind his desk, so can he please just get back to confirming skeevy, under-qualified, hacks to lifetime judicial appointments, thats much more fun. How much more evidence will turn up before Nancy takes pity on the Marmalade Shartcannon and passes the articles of impeachment on to the Senate, I wonder?
And now I see Rudy Giulianis ratfucking partner (ew), Lev Parnas, is looking to regift a bunch of old evidence he has lying around, to investigators with the House Intelligence Committee. Im told theres even an iPhone on the table; Adam Schiff gets all the cool shit, no fair!
Aaaaand...thats it. Yeah, its been a week since the last blog, but its still kinda light. Well, its the holidays; lets just enjoy the break before we, yknow, fight like hell to win our country back in the coming year. Anyway, if anybody needs me, Ill be out back, beating the last remnants of 2019 to death with a fucking sledgehammer.
*Not actually kewl.
And dont forget, coming soooooon...Resistance Comics! (Click over to my site, theres a logo and everything!)
Gothmog
(145,567 posts)BTW, I enjoy your twitter feed
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,712 posts)It's gotta be better, right? RIGHT???
~sigh~
Great post!
ismnotwasm
(42,014 posts)flying rabbit
(4,641 posts)Happy new year Ferret!
UpInArms
(51,284 posts)You make know I am not crazy and reading the news from the Onion.
Thank you.