Let's Make This Don & Rudy's Last Good Xmas for a Loooooong Time (Ferret/Shower Cap)
‘Twas the night before Xmas, the whole world was dreaming
Of a glorious day without Trump’s endless screaming
The stockings are filled with crap meant to amuse
This rhyming shit’s too hard, let’s just do the news
(And you can get the post, with all those nifty news links, at http://showercapblog.com/lets-make-this-don-rudys-last-good-xmas-for-a-loooooong-time/)
While you read this blog, know that Hairplug Himmler keeps checking under Melania’s nightmare Xmas tree every five minutes to see if Nancy Claus has delivered any articles of impeachment yet, but no, it’s all still just coal, and not even clean coal, because clean coal isn’t really a thing, is it? Don’t worry, they’ll arrive soon enough, lil’ fellah, and you may even be getting more than you expected...
Newly released documents show the Shart House reached out their tiny, inadequate, hands to order the hold on aid to Ukraine a mere 91 minutes after the famous “Please help me get rid of the Biden underneath my bed, he is so very frightening and the night light isn’t helping” call with President Zelensky, giving Senate Republicans even more damning evidence to ignore. Ignoring evidence is actually exhausting work, especially when you’re already ignoring your oath of office, the will of your constituents, and the whole dang U.S. Constitution. Hopefully the holiday break will prove relaxing.
We leaned that Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller hatched a demented little plot to embed ICE agents within the refugee agency that cares for unaccompanied migrant children, because where a normal person with a human soul would see a scared little kid in need of love and safety, Miller sees bait, and an opportunity to use familial bonds as a weapon to increase deportations, to Make America White Again, one traumatized child at a time.
Miller’s unrepentant, racist, evil is the argument to throw in the faces of your smug, third-party-backing friends, by the way. When they start to strut and preen over how the eventual Democratic nominee hasn’t “earned” their vote, ask them what the victims of Stephen Miller and his white nationalist cabal have to do to “earn” your help, because filling in the bubble next to Jill Stein or Tulsi or whoever they march out this time to shave juuuuuuust enough leftists off to win the Rust Belt might make you the toast of your social media bubble, but it won’t remove one single child from a cage.
Allies are hard to come by when you’re a universally despised loser who got caught red-headed breaking more or less every law in the book, so perhaps we can forgive Kid Kompromat for trumpeting Putin’s support, or perhaps we should remember that Putin is a murderous dictator who ordered an attack on the USA not so very long ago, and invite both enemies of our beloved state to feast on the contents of a campground outhouse.
Y’know if even Putin did have my back on something controversial like, “I find the 2012 Joseph Gordon-Levitt vehicle Premium Rush to be criminally underrated, and y’know who else does, too? My authoritarian buddy, Vlad, who invades sovereign nations and murders journalists, that’s who!” I kinda feel like I’d keep that shit to myself.
Hey, you’ll never believe believe this, but Dorito Mussolini’s North Korea policy is looking like big, fat, failure; a rare outlier in a life brimming with successes like Trump steaks, Trump vodka, Trump University, and did I mention this clod actually managed to fail at the goddamn casino business? Seriously, we put a dude who found a way to fuck up a business model that goes “we just take your money and don’t give you anything back,” and put him in charge of foreign policy, and somehow we’re amazed it isn’t going well.
Meanwhile, Jeff Van Drew, who still has that “new traitor” smell after pledging “undying” fealty to his new Turdlord, slithered out onto Fux Nooz to bend the knee, with the sycophant proclamation, “Hey, you know who’s super-good at journalism and who is in no way a ruptured sewage pipe, spewing forth state propaganda to pollute American minds? FUX NOOZ, that’s who!” anyway Jeff Van Drew doesn’t seem to have any core beliefs beyond “Jeff Van Drew should be in Congress,” so I think we’re in an addition-by-subtraction situation here.
The Failing New York Times published a fun little article on how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet finally pushed the last remnants of the mob of rabid lemmings known as the Republican Party all the way off the cliff of madness they’ve been flirting with the edge of for lo these many years. The secret ingredient, it turns out, is cowards. Y’see, there are apparently some Republicans who WANT to stand up to the Emperor of Turds, but they are afraid, and they would very much like our sympathy and respect for their unacted upon principles, to which I say, “my sympathy is reserved for the children in the camps and the refugees turned away at our borders and the transgender Americans blocked from serving in the military and all the other victims of your cowardice; you don’t get sympathy, I’m all fucking out of that; you get scorn, because it’s what you fucking deserve.
As for respect, the world is hardly short of examples of the relatively minimal amount of courage it takes to stand up for your country and her Constitution. Look to Justin Amash if you must. Look to Fiona Hill, Alexander Vindman, and Marie Yovanovitch. Look to damn near every Democrat in Congress. Look to the millions of us who’ve been marching, fundraising, knocking on doors, getting out the vote, doing the hard work necessary to drag America back to a place of decency again. You wanna whinge anonymously to the papers about how hard your position is? Fuck you. There’s still plenty of shit on the driveway; pick up a shovel and get to work.
So now Barely-Perceptible Ex-GOP Congressmicrobe David Trott, having retired rather than standing up to his cult, excuse me, his “party,” says he “probably” would’ve voted for impeachment, except for the whole “spineless retreat” thing. Tell you what, you can sit with Jeff Flake at the Too Little, Too Late table, David.
Well, the Treasonweasel Administration blocked a light bulb energy efficiency rule that was set to go into effect in the new year. Enjoy your monumental KKKulture War triumph, I guess. Revel in the spoils of victory, which are (checks notes) higher electric bills and (rechecks notes) nothing else. Maybe y’all can take aim at bicycle helmets and seat belts and warning labels on rat poison next...shit, if Sharty McFly wins a second term, you dopes might just deregulate yourselves into extinction.
Ron Johnson, previously criticized for spreading Kremlin propaganda, seems to have enjoyed the attention so much that he swung back by the Sunday Shoz to spread a little more Kremlin propaganda. Now, I’m an old-fashioned, Norman-Rockwell-type American, and personally, I like my Senators to be a little less...how to put this...a little less ON THE SIDE OF THE HOSTILE FOREIGN NATION THAT ATTACKED MY BELOVED HOMELAND, so if Matt Bevin is done fucking himself with that rusty trowel (from last week’s blog, duh) maybe he can overnight it to Wisconsin, because I really hate to think of RoJo, all alone this holiday season, not fucking himself with a rusty trowel.
Similarly, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy continues applying the principles of the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Gaslighting, Chapter 2: Just Lie, Baby!, unashamedly misrepresenting the contents of the recent DoJ IG report, claiming it actually validates, rather than debunks, Emperor Turdmaggot’s wildest delusions, from “the FBI spied on my campaign” to “I don't have to pay for sex.” Expect more of this shit, now that the GOP has learned that their base doesn’t want truth, or even reality, just enemies to hate.
And yeah, you’ve surely seen Donnie Dotard’s infamous Windmill Rant by now. I think everyone’s overreacting, frankly, it’s totally normal shit...for, say, Will-Ferrell-with-a-tranquilizer-dart-protruding-from-his-neck. For a dude with the power to deploy the most fearsome military in all human history at his slightest passing whim? Ok, sure, it’s a problem.
The entirely predictable backlash to last week’s pro-impeachment editorial in Christianity Today arrived right on time; it turns out the Fascist Farthuffer’s Faux Faithful don’t enjoy having their comical hypocrisy/total lack of actual values pointed out, but, y’know...if Ron Johnson would just hurry up with that trowel...
Folks, this is not a subtle moral choice, we’re not contemplating some unknowable ethical dilemma: we’re talking about a dude who lies and cheats and incites violence and steals from fucking CHARITY. We are talking about a man who opened concentration camps, on American soil, and filled them with terrified children. Of COURSE supporting Donald Trump is incompatible with the teachings of Christ, or, indeed, with any religious code worth a damn. Trumpism is hateful. Trumpism is about hurting people. Fuck your hollow claims to piety, we fucking well see you for what you really are. You want to stand on the grave of a child who died, in detention, of medical neglect, and act like you have the moral high ground? Go ahead, just pardon us if we laugh in your face.
I’m starting to see why Weehands McNodick and Rudy “Never Met a Cousin I Didn’t Like Inappropriately” Giuliani get along so well, they’ve got a ton in common: treason, crimes, undermining American democracy, and to top it all off, they’re both in a state of such rapid mental decline as I haven’t seen since my college roommates brought home three boxes of whippits. Anyway, the absolutely batguano nucking futz interview he gave to Olivia Nuzzi makes a rather compelling case that in the long-term, incest can lead to severe brain damage, so, y’know...even if you catch your cousin under the mistletoe...y'know...look out.
Operating on a similar theory to Donnie Two-Scoops’ “it doesn’t count as quid pro quo if you say 'no quid pro quo',” Rudy seems to believe that prefacing an anti-Semitic diatribe by saying “I am not anti-Semitic” renders said anti-Semitic diatribe magically non-anti-Semitic. Hence, shit like, “George Soros is a sinister puppet master ruling the world behind the scenes with his money HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?!?!” Anyway, this holiday season, the white nationalist President’s personal attorney is setting himself up on the internet as the arbiter of who is and isn’t acceptably Jewish, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, that’s more than enough of this shit, let’s all move on to some frickin’ holiday cheer, okay? I wish you all the happiest of holidays, and a very Merry Xmas to those who celebrate, and to those who don’t, hey, enjoy a day where they’re not allowed to send you any bills in the mail. If you want to get me a present, I usually prefer beer, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find my trowel...
PS, Might not see y'all for a bit, what with the holiday gnus slowdown, but don’t forget, coming in the New Year: RESISTANCE COMICS!
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You’re the gift that keeps on giving!! Thank you for the laughs!! 
Last edited Wed Dec 25, 2019, 12:37 PM - Edit history (1)
All I really want for Christmas this year is for YOU (Yes, this is the Royal "You".) TO VOTE IN THE GOL-DANGED GENERAL ELECTION! Really, is that asking too much? In most areas of the United States (outside of the Tangerine-Zone) voting is still a low cost alternative to Trumpism. All the disloyal Democrats are doing it.
Aside: I've always granted TheFerret the widest of poetic licences... But, this metaphor escapes me and I'd like to laugh along with everyone else. Instead of courtesy laughing and looking around with a semi-confused expression hoping nobody notices I don't get the reference. Could someone, please, Capsplain it to me.
"... in a state of such rapid mental decline as I haven’t seen since my college roommates brought home three boxes of whippits."
I'm fully aware of the alarming decline in the mental state of the principals in this sordid drama, which are the foreign inspired leadership installed in critical offices of this fine nation. Who are firmly held in place by a sub-minority of far-right ideologues driven only by hatred and a desire to "Own the libtards and cripples. Har! Har! Har!" Instead of doing what any benevolent non-cray-cray society would do by having caring professionals guide those individuals one and two to comfy chairs by the fireplace. While the rest of the population hides anything they could inadvertently trip over such as their tongues or launch codes.
Truth be told, I am also experiencing a gaslight created mental decline myself. So, that may be the reason I don't get whippits. Help? I need all the laughs I can get.
Anyway, thanks for always being there, Cap! Here's to another and better year for all of us! And, godspeed to Impeachment!
Kicked and recommended.
