Channel Paul Ryan and post your best Paul Ryan whooper right here!!!

[LynneSin]

I think we can all do a Paul Lyin Ryan whooper. Let's hear your best one hear.

Did you know it was originally me they wanted to cast in Sophie's Choice, the movie in which Meryl Streep won an Oscar. I had a bad cold that weekend and she stole the part from me - what a bee-yotch!!!!

[madashelltoo]

1. I swam the English Channel in the dark for a lark in the nude.

Call me rude. Hell, I'm Lyin' Ryan.

[sadbear]

2. MENSA wouldn't let me in because I would blow the curve.

[flvegan]

3. I'm The Stig!

[ProdigalJunkMail]

12. hehehe n/t

[LeftyMom]

50. Ever see a post and immediately know who posted it?

That one was a no brainer.

[lonestarnot]

4. I was the first man on the moon and patented pampers but someone at NASA decided Neil Armstrong

looked better on camera and David Bitter (aka diaper Dan) sued to increase Chinese rights to the patent.

[Generic Other]

75. You know you never landed on the moon!

I built the damn sets for the faked moon landing. You poser!

[Iwasthere]

5. I was Fighter Pilot for 20 years one summer ...

... where I also worked as a heart surgeon, performing surguries while flying, I broke the world record for a heart transplant; less than three hours.

[Whisp]

6. Paul Ryan claims he invented post-its.

Well, ordinarily when you make glue, first you need to thermoset your resin. And then after it cools, you mix in uh um epoxy, which is really just a fancy shmancy name for any simple oxigenated adhesive, right? Then I thought, maybe just maybe, you can raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right.

[reflection]

11. One of my favorite movies. n/t

[Generic Other]

79. The saintly Paul Ryan tithes his Congressional salary to the Church

and is always overgenerous when tipping waitresses.

[Tom Ripley]

7. "Let me tell you about my days as a shark wrestler"

[Tom Ripley]

8. And I said, "Otis, why don't you try whistling that part instead of yodeling it"

[dogknob]

37. That is excellent! Thank you! Made me think of this...

[Tom Ripley]

40. That is also excellent!

Nicely done

[Arkana]

9. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Also, if they check my house in Wisconsin they'll find the Lindbergh baby in the basement.

[LynneSin]

18. I bet Al Capone's vault is in your basement with Jimmy Hoffa buried in it

Should I call Geraldo now?

[reflection]

10. I was born in a log cabin

I built with my own hands.

[madashelltoo]

21. Now, that made me laugh out loud!!!!!!!!

[reflection]

38. I actually heard that somewhere.

Can't take credit.

[Liberal_in_LA]

26. lol

[Tom Ripley]

13. Listen, you'll have to excuse me. I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons...

in 20 minutes.

[WinkyDink]

14. This one cannot be out-done. "The Great Historical Bum" by Woody Guthrie, as sung by the Chad

Mitchell Trio:

I was born about ten thousand years ago
There ain't nothin' in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses
And I'll whup the guy what says it isn't so

Well I'm just a lonesome traveler, a great historical bum
Highly educated, through history I have come
I built the Rock of Ages, it was in the year of One
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I saw Adam and Eve a-driven from the door
I'm the guy that pick the fig leaves that they wore
And from behind the bushes peeping, saw the apple they were eating
And I'll swear that I'm the one that ate the core

Now, I built the Garden of Eden, it was in the year of Two
Joined the Apple Pickers Union, and I always paid my due
I'm the man that signed the contract to raise the Rising Sun
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I taught Samson how to use his mighty hand
I showed Columbus to this happy land
And for Pharaoh's little kiddies I built all the pyramiddies
And to the Sahara carried all the sand

Now, I was straw boss on the pyramids, and the Tower of Babel too
I opened up the ocean, let the migrant children through
I fought a million battles and I never lost a one
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I taught Solomon his little A-B-C's
I'm the first one that ate Limburger cheese
And while floating down the bay with Methuselah one day
I saw his whiskers floating in the breeze

Now, I fought the Revolution that set this country free
It was me and a couple of Indians that dumped the Boston tea
I won the battle of Valley Forge and the battle of Bully Run
And that's about the biggest thing that men has ever done

Well, Queen Elizabeth, she fell in love with me
We were married in Milwaukee secretly
But I got tired and shook her and ran off with General Hooker
To go shooting skeeters down in Tennessee

I was born about ten thousand years ago
There ain't nothin' in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses
And I'll whup the guy what says it isn't so

Well I'm just a lonesome traveler, a great historical bum
Highly educated, through history I have come
I built the Rock of Ages, it was in the year of One
And that's about the biggest thing Man has ever done

[Tom Ripley]

16. I turned down a Rhodes scholarship to Oxford because I heard Mississippi is very humid

[JustAnotherGen]

76. Oh

Too funny!

[Tom Ripley]

78. Thanks! I tried to combine his lying and ignorance into one

[JustAnotherGen]

97. Well done sir!

Well done!

[muriel_volestrangler]

17. I AM THAT I AM

[flamingdem]

19. I created the world in under 5 days nt

[Spirochete]

20. I catered the Last Supper n/t

[madashelltoo]

22. Stop it! I'm crying!

[dogknob]

24. Here ya go...

[dogknob]

23. The Moon...

Last edited Mon Sep 3, 2012, 08:02 PM - Edit history (1)

[Liberal_in_LA]

25. I ran a 4 minute mile 10 years ago. I use to be really fast!

[RandiFan1290]

27. I made the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs. nt

[jberryhill]

28. I am a suitable candidate for Vice President

[dogknob]

29. I think, therefore I am.

[Botany]

30. Paul Ryan, "I helped to win the super bowl playing quarterback for the Green Bay Packers."

BTW notice the real life football player giving Ryan the stank eye.

[MANative]

31. I'm 5'10" and 125 pounds...

I wear a size 2 dress and a 34D bra. Oh yeah, I'm 26 years old, too!

[rufus dog]

61. Does your father own a liquor store?

[Turbineguy]

32. My penis is so big....

well.... a zoo which shall not be named, wanted to use it to artificially inseminate an elephant. They even painted white stars on the side of the elephant, but it was a no-go.

[Mutt22]

33. My plan

would balance the budget, give everyone free healthcare, erase the National debt, bring peace to the middle east, solve global warming, end world hunger, bring the unemployment rate down to 0%, and bring home the troops from Afghanistan.... but NBC cancelled Harry's so fuck it, you're on your own.

[Hugabear]

34. I'm the one who shot Tony Soprano.

n/t

[beac]

35. I only make my interns read "Altas Shrugged" for the sex scenes!

[Tom Ripley]

41. That looks like Steve Buscemi in a production of "A Midsummer's Night Dream"

[dogknob]

42. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

[dogknob]

70. After a great deal of soul-searching...

I have decided to totally nick your joke for DogKnob's FB page.

[siligut]

36. "I cannot tell a lie"

[sofa king]

39. Pres. O. plans to sell Kansas to the Masai...

... so that their cattle can graze on the cornfields!

President Obama is preparing to raise an army of zombies summoned by Hatian Voodoo shamans, and use them to replace the Little Debbie truck drivers.

When President Bush personally dragged Saddam Hussein from his spider-hole and ripped the WMDs from his evil grasp, Paul Ryan was holding the strap of Bush's codpiece, which had broken during the HALO drop.

The clone of Ronald Reagan is still too young to run for President, but the sixth generation clone of Hitler will be running in 2016.

And I saw all of it.

[Logical]

43. Ryan trained with Neil Armstrong for the moon landing.

[bluesbassman]

44. I created the Internet as a Jr. High science project, but Al Gore stole it and took all the credit.

[SWTORFanatic]

45. Voting republican is good for the middle and working class

[beac]

46. I was Vandelay Industries number one Latex salesman!

[DefenseLawyer]

83. I made a donation in your name to the "Human Fund"

and my friends call me "T-Bone"

[rbrnmw]

47. I uhhh ummm Wrote the Constitution in my last life lol

yeah yeah that's the ticket

[dogknob]

48. Try to understand

[AnnieBW]

49. I was born a poor black child...

[LeftyMom]

51. I keep Atlantis off the maps, I keep the Martians under wraps. I do. I do.

[Odd Won Out]

53. I invented Cheese, Bratwurst, and Harley Davidson motorcycles

I caught Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer and also compiled Joe McCarthy's list of 205 known communists in the State Department.

I taught Tony Horton all about the P90X fitness program, won the Olympic Decathlon, and have beaten Michael Jordan in a one on one match.

[LeftyMom]

54. I make the Dodgers sign stupid contracts for slumping players.

[savalez]

55. My VP announcement bounce was immeasurable.

[ElboRuum]

56. I've studied the math at length, and I've discovered that you can divide by zero. n/t

[ElboRuum]

57. Another?

"You know that song by the Proclaimers that goes: I would walk five hundred miles/and I would walk five hundred more/just to be the man who walked a thousand miles/to fall down at your door? Well that was my idea originally, they stole it, and they totally twisted it up. I actually already DID that, I ran the whole way, and I didn't fall down at the end because I was in great fucking shape. (flexes)"

[rbrnmw]

58. I Built London Bridge, The White House, and the Empire State Building

[dogknob]

59. I invented a time machine...

[rufus dog]

60. Remember the "Catch" that took the 49ers to the first Super Bowl?

Montana to Dwight Clark..... well let's just say the Rufus Dog has some hops and you will never see Rufus and Dwight together.

[Ferretherder]

62. I didn't respond to this thread, so what you think you're reading here,...

...doesn't really exist.

...I'm serious.

[trof]

63. He once ran a marathon just because it was on his way.

Oh wait...that was The Most Interesting Man in the World.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Most_Interesting_Man_in_the_World

[Burma Jones]

64. I took that bullet out of Reagan's Chest

[LynneSin]

65. I took a bullet FOR Reagan

[dogknob]

66. One time I smoked a DOOBIE with... (pic)

[Jennicut]

67. I invented keyboard pants.

[LynneSin]

71. So? I invented the keyboard tie AND suspenders

[Jennicut]

74. Now that is a look that never made it past the 80's.

[Segami]

68. Paul Ryan: I'm the guy behind ' Keyboard Cat '.

[LynneSin]

72. Paul Ryan: I'm the owner of Henri the Cat

[Segami]

73. LOL!! Such a diverse man!

[leeroysphitz]

69. What the f@ck did you just f@cking say about me, you little @@@@@?

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the NAvy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with my precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, f@cker. As we speak, I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're f@cking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f@cking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't and now you're paying the price you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

[Ikonoklast]

81. That's the bio that half the twerps in Freeperville use.

The half that aren't astronauts or neurosurgeons, that is.

[dogknob]

87. Lovely. Nice pic -- used it for this...

[JustAnotherGen]

77. Once - when I was at band camp . . .

[Deep13]

80. Ishot a man in Reno just to watch him die. nt

[farmbo]

82. Chuck Norris comes to me for Martial Arts training...

... And for Walker,Texas Ranger acting instructions

[LynneSin]

90. wow, you're that crappy of an actor??!

[dmallind]

84. Mine isn't even a lie. Mr. Universe once asked me for weight training advice

Absolute truth. Admittedly it was "Hey - where are the foot straps for this (chin up frame used for hanging sit ups)?" when he happened to be visiting the gym I attended - but it counts in my mind.

Jeff King for the curious BTW. Just checked out his pics online to verify my memory. God that makes me feel old. I met a Mr. Universe when they still looked slightly human.....

[phylny]

85. I had a threesome with George Clooney and Patrick Dempsey. n/t

[dogknob]

86. After I graduated Magma Cum Kappa...

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

88. I am Iron Man

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

89. The Ring of Power was never destroyed and Obama found it and used it last week

to become invisible. Must find my precious.

[Green_Lantern]

91. my mother wasn't really a jackal

nt

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

92. Here is mine: This is a 10 year old girl (see pic below)

(self portrait)

[dogknob]

93. I packed on 97 freakin' pounds to play JAKE LaMOTTA, but...(pic)

[dogknob]

94. After I quit Fleetwood Mac...(pic)

[nyquil_man]

95. 40 years from now: "I was Vice President of the United States" n/t

[NashvilleLefty]

96. Remember the jellyfish that kept Diana Nyad from

completing her swim from Cuba to Miami?

It was delicious!