Roy Moore is Back, in Case You Were Worried the News Didn't Have Enough Buttholes. (Ferret/SC)
Y’all, the history books written about this demented era are gonna need disclaimers: “No we fucking swear all this shit really happened. Yes, even Carter Page. We think people were just a whole lot dumber back then.” Let's add another volume, I guess.
(As always, you can find this post, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/roy-moore-is-back-in-case-you-were-worried-the-news-didnt-have-enough-buttholes/)
Well, the Adderall-Addled Assclown officially launched his reelection campaign at a hate rally in Orlando, leading a manic mob of ravenous rubes in a rousing chorus of “It's a small world, build a wall*.” It's weird, and probably not ideal, that the rant, overflowing with lies and incitement of hatred towards minorities and the media, didn't seem especially newsworthy, with some networks even cutting away early. “Oh, President Racist Grandpa still hates refugees? And one of his scumfuck supporters assaulted a journalist again? That's nice dear, don't forget to take out the trash.”
Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan withdrew from consideration for the full-time gig, after his plan to avoid vetting by Just Hoping a Giant Comet Ends All Life on Earth Before Anybody Googles Him fell apart, and the whole world found out about his family's frankly tragic history of domestic violence. What a clusterfuck. I mean, Shanahan was bad at his job, and never should've been appointed in the first place, but how arrogant and incompetent do you have to be to try to sneak that shit past the FBI background check and the press?
Speaking of Th’Best People, this week we learned Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Canada doesn't seem to like actually spending time in Canada, missing 300 days of her year-and-a-half-long tenure. So naturally, they're promoting her to U.N. Ambassador! In fairness, it's hard to reward excellence in your organization when you studiously avoid it in the initial hiring process.
Looks like Paul Manafort doesn't have to go to Rikers after all, because the Deputy Attorney General of the whole dang United States apparently has nothing better to do with his time than tend to the comfort of the Individual Wonder's felonious pals. Precocious Paul has blown right past “white privilege” to the heretofore-unexplored stratosphere of “white criminal with dirt on a mind-bendingly corrupt President privilege,” which turns out to be pretty handy. Maybe he can get Bill Barr to hand-smuggle the ol' ostrich jacket into prison, for comfort.
Katharine Gorka, wife of Squeezably Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka, has been hired as the new spokesdemon for Customs and Border Protection, and I for one appreciate the honesty of hiring an unapologetic white supremacist for this particular post. What did the Gorka courtship look like, I wonder? Sneaking out in the middle of the night to hold hands while spray-painting hate speech on the side of a local synagogue? Romantic fireside readings of the Turner Diaries? Or, more likely, two rage-filled mediocrities settling for one another on the basis that hating the same people would at least give them something to talk about over dinner.
You're probably expecting me to cover the sordid tale of Jerry Falwell, Jr. and his infamous pet pool boy, but lordy, I'd rather boil my eyeballs in Diet Dr. Pepper than read that shit. Look, if you want something newsworthy, show me one of these creepy pro-Trump faux holy men actually behaving in a remotely Christ-like manner for a change. “Jerry Falwell, Jr. Demonstrates Compassion, Charity, and Love for All Humankind,” that'd be some man bites dog shit, right there.
And Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Grievance-Driven Egomaniac Who Only Ran for President in the First Place Because an African-American Guy Laughed at Him”) continues to cling tightly to his decades-old grudge against the Central Park Five, and he's certainly not going to let a silly ol’ thing like “conclusive exoneration” stand in the way of his precious, precious, hate. The point is, our Totally Not Racist How Dare You Even Suggest That President has spent half his life trying to get five innocent black men killed, and he's still pissed off that he failed.
Hope Hicks testified before the House Judiciary Committee behind closed doors, only she didn't really, because Shart House lawyers claimed an all-powerful “absolute immunity” from questions pertaining to her time there, which they must've pulled from Harry Potter or Magic: The Gathering, cuz it sure as shit ain't in the United States Code. Thus she was unwilling to comment on a wide variety issues, ranging from the treason stuff to why nobody told Stephen Miller how fucking stupid he looked with the spray-on hair.
A handful of Senators received a classified briefing on UFO sightings, and honestly, if I had that kind of clout I'd be looking for a way off this fucking planet, too. Shit, is there some way I can get on Mark Warner's staff? Or at the very least his bar trivia team?
Lenny Pozner, the father of a child killed at Sandy Hook, won his lawsuit against a couple of human crotch warts who are so fucking broken that they published a book claiming the massacre was a hoax, and that Pozner's child never existed. In an era where the awful people seem to be winning, and winning precisely by virtue of their awfulness, it's nice to see there are still consequences for doing something as monstrous as tormenting the families of murdered children. You're next, Alex Jones.
I'm trying to lose weight, but two things are making it difficult, 1) beer, and 2) I keep gorging on articles about the destructive internal turd-flinging going down in the halls of the National Rifle Association, where the murder merchants are turning on each other like they're character actors in John Carpenter's The Thing. Empty calories, I know, but so fucking delicious.
A United Nations investigation found the conspiracy behind the barbarous killing of Jamal Khashoggi reached the very highest levels of the Saudi monarchy, and Jared Kushner is worried that means he's going to have to cancel a few play dates with Murderous Mastermind MBS. The Turdmaggot Administration's response to this news, which confirms the findings of our own intelligence community, is to kiss these monsters’ asses, overruling the findings of their own experts to keep the Saudis off the list of nations that recruit child soldiers. Oh, and for good measure, selling them a fuckton of weapons to continue their genocidal war in neighboring Yemen.
One of the fun things about 2019 is that you can commit any imaginable atrocity with the full blessing of the world's lone superpower if you're just willing to bail the hyper-corrupt ruling family out of their business failures.
Now, Saudi Arabia's behavior is so abominable it's led to holy-shit-that's-rarer-than-a-unicycling-dodo-bird bipartisan condemnation, and I suppose we should be grateful that a handful of Senate Republicans still possess enough of a moral compass to stand up to journalist-murdering and genocide (for now, anyway), as the Senate voted to block the arms sales. But of course, Hairplug Himmler plans to veto the bill, probably because Jar-Jar didn't get all his money up front.
And we now find ourselves in the midst of a great national debate about whether or not we should call the Government Cheese Goebbels’ concentration camps “concentration camps,” or something less accurate, like “happy fun time play centers only with no games and a much higher death rate.” Republicans are upset, because they want the concentration camps, but they're worried that calling the concentration camps “concentration camps” will draw attention to the fact that they're the party of concentration camps, whereas Democrats want to shut down the concentration camps because they are FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
Gosh, it's tricky. If you're trying to work out the ethics here, I know we live in a morally complex world, but a good rule of thumb is “Always pick the side with the fewest Cheneys.”
And Chuck Todd, in perhaps the ChuckToddest act of his life, lashed out, not at the monsters who opened the FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS, but at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, for calling them what they are**. This is what happens when you're so blindly devoted to the ridiculous ideal that there are two equally-reasonable sides to every issue that you can imagine no greater sin than incivility. If bothsidesism had an ass, Chuck Todd would be so far up it, he'd own a nice little condo in the small intestine.
While we're all bickering about labeling, the Shitweasel Administration is in court, arguing that they're not legally required to provide detained children with soap, toothbrushes, or even fucking blankets on the concrete floor of their definitely-not-a-concentration-camp cells. What kind of sewage-hearted sphincter blister would make that argument? Like, when you're in the shower that morning, getting ready for your hideous day's work, do you think “damn right those LITTLE KIDS don't deserve this” when you reach for your Dove bar? Follow up question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Anyway, let's all enjoy a Lovecraftian cackle at the absolute madness of our Department of Justice fighting for multiple felon Paul Manafort's comfort while claiming jailed children don't deserve soap.
Roy Moore, having failed in his efforts to procure funding for a brand new shopping mall of his very own that he could never be banned from, announced another Senate run today, I guess because he missed having the whole country talk about how he’s a child molester. Anyway, if I was Doug Jones, I'd buy a couple lottery tickets today.
Republican lawmakers in Oregon are pulling the ol’ Stay Home From Work to Deny a Quorum trick to keep Democrats from passing a climate bill, on the increasingly-popular conservative “if we don't win, fuck you, we won't let you govern anway” principle. Just for seasoning, state Senator Brian Boquist suggested that if the Governor sent state troopers to make him do his job like a grownup, he would murder them ho ho ho what a merry jest.
Anyway, at the precise moment when I hit “post” on tonight's blog, we weren't at war with Iran yet, so I guess for everyone who isn't the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip, the week hasn't been as bad as it might have been. So go out and get a beer tonight; you never know, by the time you get home, you may have been drafted.
On that pleasant note, see ya next week, Shower Captives!
*Get it? Because Orlando is where Disneyworld is? Never mind.
**Which is CONCENTRATION CAMPS, if you haven't been paying attention.
= new reply since forum marked as read
There's certainly enough material for you to draw from, alas.
Nope, no war with Iran, so far.
Keep these brilliant posts coming, OK?
See! I told you I'd read this with my morning covfefe.
Holy smokes Trump looks like an idiot this morning ordering the. Calling off attacks on Iran.
The Manafort - Concentration Camps comparison is genius.
