Broken: North Dakota Legislature Weighs Mandatory Pregnancy Test Bill

[MineralMan]

Bismark, May 16, 2019

North Dakota legislators have a new bill to consider that is connected to the "Heartbeat" bills that are all the rage in deep red states these days. The bill, introduced by a state Senator who insisted on anonymity, calls for mandatory monthly pregnancy tests for all female North Dakotans between the ages of 11 and 60. The Senator, who was wearing a long red tie, said, "This bill is necessary so that we will know whether a woman is pregnant, even before she does. Once the test is positive, she will be required to wear an ankle bracelet so her location can be tracked. That way, we'll know if she enters an abortion clinic or leaves the state, which will be prohibited for all pregnant females."

When asked why this applies to young girls, he replied, "Well, those kids are liable to be sexed up by someone, even at that age. We can't let any chance of an undetected pregnancy being missed, even if it is the result of rape or incest. Every baby is precious to the State of North Dakota. No matter how young females are, we need to be sure they carry that baby to term. We're gonna see to that."

An informal poll of ND state legislators indicates that passage of this bill is likely.

[samnsara]

1. ha good one.. your should write for the Onion..

[JDC]

2. I gotta say you had me for a second....

"Art" imitating life unfortunately.



Edit: typo thumbs....

[Takket]

3. Completely believeable

[jmowreader]

4. Not funny

Mandatory monthly pregnancy tests and gynecological examinations were part of Ceaucescu’s Decree 770, which our Republican lawmakers seem to admire greatly.

[MineralMan]

5. I did not mean for it to be funny.

I wasn't laughing when I wrote it, either.

[LiberalLoner]

10. Yup. I would not be surprised to see that happen here.

[Fresh_Start]

6. You missed the part of the bill

where the legislature would fund craigslist ads in all ND localities for watchers to verify the girls and women peed on the pregnancy test.
The watcher requirements were limited to two things: male and GOP member.

[MineralMan]

7. I don't think all of the details have been worked out yet.

I'm sure they'll verify that the person peeing is the right person, somehow. There will be lots of details to work out.

I'm sure all of those state Senators have a deep abiding interest in such things.

[keithbvadu2]

15. Pee watcher? Trump is considered qualified.

[ProudLib72]

8. What about the five year olds who get pregnant?

Lina Medina was born in Ticrapo, Castrovirreyna Province, Peru, to silversmith Tiburelo Medina and Victoria Losea. Her parents brought her to a hospital at age five due to increasing abdominal size. Doctors originally thought that she had a tumor, but they then determined that she was in her seventh month of pregnancy. Dr Gerardo Lozada took her to Lima to have other specialists confirm that she was pregnant. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lina_Medina

Maybe all girls should have to wear ankle bracelets from birth.

[MineralMan]

9. That's so rare, they probably haven't though of it.

[Panich52]

11. Alabama will pass that one next to cover loophole

in current travesty. Maddow pointed it out. One legislator wanted to know why rape & incest weren't exempt. Biological knowledge absent explanation was that under current law, if she can find a clinic, a woman can get an abortion under new bill if she doesn't know she's pregnant. How fkn white of them.

[cynatnite]

12. Up next: Hymen checks...

Gotta make sure all the girls are pure.

I have a hard time laughing at this. I can't even watch Handmaid's Tale right now.

Although, the rebellion is supposed to start this coming season's episodes.

[aka-chmeee]

13. Don't forget the mandatory inquest to determine charges in case of miscarriage!

Murder if an abortion or otherwise self induced or just negligent homicide otherwise.

[MineralMan]

14. One travesty at a time...