I've suffered most of my life with debilitating phobias. Here's some advice to those who haven't.

[OilemFirchen]

Though I've tried to avoid revealing personal information since the advent of the internet, I sense that some readers might benefit from reading a bit about my life story.

Since my young twenties, my very existence has been defined by a series of debilitating phobias, the most severe of which is a panic disorder. I cannot travel beyond a limited comfort zone and can only travel with my significant other. I can not ride in a vehicle, even with her. That means that, for nearly fifty years, I've been virtually unable to ride in a car, a taxi, a train or an airplane. I also suffer from an attendant anxiety disorder as well as social anxiety, claustrophobia, frequent agoraphobia, and chronic depression.

I've been able to orchestrate my life in order to accommodate these limitations. (One can become remarkably clever in order to avoid discomfort.) However, it's impossible to avoid circumstances that may make me extremely anxious or cause the onset of panic. Note that I recounted that I've been virtually unable to do what many would consider normal activities. That's because, until late into adulthood, I was too embarrassed to admit to my limitations. The key, ultimately, to getting through the day was to finally overcome that embarrassment and let others know when I was incapable of accommodating them. Unsurprisingly, while some understand and are sympathetic, others (including some family members) are not.

The best I can do in any situation where I can envision extreme distress is to let any and all involved know in advance whether or not I'm comfortable in any given situation.

If I'm not upfront, and find myself in a dire circumstance, I have no one to blame but myself. It's is absolutely not the responsibility of any other person or persons to anticipate my behavior if I've not informed them in advance. If I have, and they disregard my wishes, then it's their fault, and, at that, only if I've been forced or shamed to be compromised. If I accede, even with forewarning, it's all on me.

Thus my advice: If the actions of any individual will make you uncomfortable, it's incumbent on you to let them know prior to any interaction that may cause you discomfort. It's dishonest and weak to blame anyone but yourself in such a circumstance. It causes me psychological distress to read about someone's pain, but I feel no remorse if that individual casts blame on others for their own self-induced trauma.

Hope this helps!

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

1. I can't imagine how you must have suffered all these years... sounds like great advice!!

Kudos to you for sharing!!


Bernie & Elizabeth 2020!!!
Welcome to the revolution!!!

[OilemFirchen]

5. Thanks.

It's amazing what I've been able to get away with, but it ain't been easy.

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

11. I hope, perhaps, some of the newer anti-anxiety meds developed over the years have helped somewhat.

If not, maybe some day... all the best to you!


Bernie & Elizabeth 2020!!!
Welcome to the revolution!!!

[sheshe2]

2. This

[OilemFirchen]

6. ...

[sheshe2]

12. ;)

Luv ya. You never disappoint. Spot on.

[lpbk2713]

3. Thanks for sharing.

I know what you're saying. Some things bother me that others
might find irrational. But I don't worry about what they think.

[OilemFirchen]

4. That's remarkably hard to do for many.

Waaaay back in early group therapy I was introduced to "WPT" - What People Think. How others perceive us is often a guide for how we interact with them. Overcoming that is tough.

[Doreen]

7. My heart goes out for you.

I only have one phobia. I have claustrophobia. I am lucky that I have been able to bring it down to a somewhat medium roar. Mine was caused by getting trapped in an elevator when I was 8 in Germany and did not know which buttons to push to get it moving and could not read German. It did not help that the door opened and there was the dark elevator shaft. Since I know exactly what caused my claustrophobia people tell me to get over it. It just dosen't work that way. I guess I would have to say I have a fear of elevators also. I tend to have a death grip on the rails in the elevator if I do not have something in my hands. I have known others with particular phobias but you have the most problematic phobias I have heard about having multiple phobias.

[FiveGoodMen]

8. I've had a couple of bad rounds of claustophobia (and anxiety) and found that SSRI's helped a lot

Fluoxetine (Prozac) the first time and Citalopram (Celexa) now.

In each case, it took a few months to really kick in, but it definitely helped.

[OilemFirchen]

13. My family was abandoned hundreds of miles from home...

when my Dad decided he couldn't handle the cacophony. I was a toddler, and my Mom was freaking, ultimately finding a nearby farmhouse. They helped us get back home by calling the police, who stopped my Dad and forced him to return. Thus, my biggest fear is being stranded.

Whether or not that was the cause of my disorders is probably irrelevant. Neither of my brothers nor my Mom were similarly affected.

And, to this day, I don't blame my Dad. Don't know why, but I think he might have suffered a similar disorder, and that's what caused his irrational act. Shortly before he passed away, he confided in me that, despite millions of miles of air travel, he was always afraid of flying.

Life is wiggly, I say...

[Miigwech]

9. Thank you for this insight

... I have a new, young, Endocrinologist looking at my issues. Have you ever had your hormone levels for anxiety tested? Cortisol being the main problem. Maybe an answer there?

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037

[OilemFirchen]

18. Thanks for that.

I've been through batteries of tests, including specifically thyroid analysis (hyperthyroidism runs in my family). Nothing out of the ordinary.

I'll check out your link.

[Miigwech]

23. Also, growth hormone imbalance is now known

as a master masquerader, hiding out causing poor thyroid and other diagnosis ... should get this checked out as well ... best of luck to you

[WhiskeyGrinder]

10. Expecting that someone will respect your bodily autonomy is not an accommodation to be requested.

[obamanut2012]

14. Thank you -- this

[OilemFirchen]

16. That is not a binary expectation.

By your standard, we go through life constantly violating others' "bodily autonomy" by being unable to read their minds. We also go through life constantly unaware that we've done so, because the "victim" knew better than to hold us accountable.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

17. "By your standard, we go through life constantly violating others' 'bodily autonomy' by being unable

to read their minds."

Not if we don't touch them without consent.

I've gone to the gym, gone to the grocery store twice, gone to work and come home, and have touched exactly one person today; my spouse. It's easy!

Why the scare quotes around bodily autonomy, anyway?

[OilemFirchen]

19. Did you come within three feet of an individual with a four-foot comfort zone?

Stop being silly.

And the reason for the quotes is to indicate that you're using the term very casually.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

20. Why is the idea of not touching people without consent silly?

[OilemFirchen]

22. Because it's instinctive. Common across species.

Have you overcome your innate nature? If so, congrats... I guess.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

24. I don't touch people without consent for two reasons. I don't feel the need to, and I know there

that while there are people out there who don't mind it, some do.

[OilemFirchen]

26. Good for you.

I guess.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

27. Thanks!

[Kurt V.]

15. i have great empathy for you. also i zero belief in free will nor do the majority of neuroscientist.

Don't blame yourself. your condition is from a summation of your social experiences and/or your genetic endowment. seek help from experts that believe this way. best of luck to you.

[pnwmom]

21. Thank you for sharing that.

But if you're referring to the Lucy Flores situation, she couldn't have anticipated what she described as happening, assuming it did. So she couldn't tell Biden not to do it.

He came up from behind her, without warning, as she was standing just offstage, waiting nervously to give her speech. Imagine being in that situation, and suddenly feeling someone's hands grip your shoulders, and someone's body moving close to yours, and then a kiss landing on your head.

But you still have to give the speech! And once you realize who the kisser is, you still want that person's endorsement.

So you just pretend it didn't happen and go on the stage.

OTOH, it is anyone's responsibility to not touch anyone's body for no good reason without at least unspoken permission. That can't occur when you approach them from behind.

[OilemFirchen]

25. I'm not necessarily speaking about her particular situation.

That said, she knew who was behind her. She also knew of of his supposed "reputation". IIRC, she specifically noted her sensitivity to her own peculiar personal space. He was not expected to know her limitations, and she had every opportunity to express them beforehand or after. Not doing so is her fault.

Blaming him, OTOH, is dishonest and weak. But I believe I stated so already.

[pnwmom]

30. I disagree. A person who is very touchy-feely doesn't get a free pass just by having a reputation

for being very touchy feely.

And, if her story is correct, he put his hands and his mouth on her without permission -- and FROM BEHIND so she didn't have the chance to notice him and turn away. That is NOT OKAY and she is not to blame.

[OilemFirchen]

31. Of course not.

I'm not going to argue about the specifics of this encounter. I've already made my perspective known.

Let's try this then: Nobody is to blame. Innocent mistake. Won't happen again. Let's drop it.

That's seems reasonable, yes?

[roamer65]

28. I'm weird on my acrophobia.

I can fly in a plane, no problem. But bring me to the windows of a tall building, look straight down and I get real funky. Not sure quite what to call it, probably visual height intolerant I guess.

I have had an anxiety attack once. I gained a LOT of sympathy for those who have them from just one.

BTW.

[cab67]

29. sometimes, issues collide.

Several years ago, I met a college student who'd come home from Iraq with PTSD. He was afforded an emotional support animal - which, in his case, was a Ball python.

To me (a paleoherpetologist), this was a gorgeous animal. Ball pythons aren't very large, and they're very docile. But snake phobias are not exactly rare, and the size and personality of the snake don't enter into the equation. My father - the bravest man I've ever known - was deathly afraid of snakes. A friend of mind had to stop bringing snakes to class when one of his students broke his leg tripping over furniture on his way out the door when a garter snake was brought into the room.

Universities are obliged to accommodate service animals (nearly always dogs), but emotional support animals cause an additional level of worry. In this case, the student's university had to be very creative with his course schedule. They wanted to accommodate his need for a support animal while also accommodating students (and instructors) who might have a legitimate emotional problem with it.

[OilemFirchen]

33. That's a fascinating clash of nature - human and otherwise.

Life is full of stressors, and in a public setting everyone's experiencing their own, usually independent of the crowd. When it comes to assessing blame, in these cases, there's none to be cast. Not the student who was reliant on his support animal to reduce his stress, nor the other, who, in a different setting, defaulted to flight to reduce his. Each, I expect, understood that their own limitations were unique to themselves.

It's good that the university was able to accommodate the needs of the student with his phobia. Sometimes, however, conflicts like this are irreconcilable. The world is not always fair. In fact, it usually isn't. It would be more pleasant were people less likely to point fingers and just get on with it.

[pansypoo53219]

32. this is my thinking. say something.

[certainot]

34. i'm not suggesting you have this but i'll just put it out there

i'm a believer that a lot of human stress, anxiety, fear is caused by sex on the wrong brain, or SOWB.

For hundreds of thousands of years life was short and humans reproduced as soon as possible. In the last few thousand years we began to civilize and delay the age of reproduction but our brains weren’t wired for those behavioral adjustments. Without appropriate sex education, according to the theory, that delay can lead to long-lasting neural associations that divert impatient satisfaction-demanding reproductive energy from emotion, creativity, and pleasure to brain functions that are supposed to be patient and objective, like mathematics and logic.

According to the theory one of the problems is certainty deficit disorder or CDD. When 'sex energy' associates with or fuels 'logic' it wants the conclusion and certainty of quick easy answers, like black or white, good or evil, win or lose. That irrational need for certainty can turn harmless uncertainties into stress and fear.

I'm just throwing that out there. I think the only place it's explained is in a science fiction comedy called sex on the wrong brain, but i wouldn't discount it because of the delivery.

[FM123]

35. You are so brave, sending you hugs.

[OilemFirchen]

38. ...

[Evolve Dammit]

36. Thanks very much for the post. I hear you and empathize. I just have one question:

"I have no one to blame but myself." How is any of this your fault, even to the point of "failure" to fully disclose your issues? I also don't understand the "dishonest and weak" part. It sounds awfully harsh on yourself and others that may share the same feelings. That said, I truly feel for how hard it is.
Thanks for speaking your truth and being here.

[OilemFirchen]

37. I actually don't think "blame" is the appropriate concept.

I used it, though, in the context of recent frenzies about individuals feeling the need to find fault with someone else for their own discomfort. So, if "blame" is to be assigned, it's dishonest and weak to cast it onto someone who's only fault is being unaware of the other's limitations.

You are correct. I don't blame myself. My point is that I certainly don't blame others.

[Evolve Dammit]

42. Understood. Thank you for helping me understand better, and sharing. Much appreciated.

[babydollhead]

39. mostly, I am home. and I prefer solitude.

Last edited Mon Apr 1, 2019, 10:27 PM - Edit history (1)

when people come over, I feel it's sometimes like announcing a disclaimer. In the back of my mind, i know, so I say aloud, "I have to be safe somewhere, and here it is." when I go out, I feel fine, and glad to notice all the people. Here we are, right now. I see you.
the smallest thing can make me bolt for home. I do not like to be picked up.(it hurts my whole body) new friends, seem to want to pick me up. Or someone who is just getting to know me, will get the urge to come up from behind me and poke me in the kidneys. It makes my knees buckle and I want to throw up everywhere. They get one warning. I say that. "this is your warning that if you ever do that again I will punch you in the face." My own child did not heed the warning, she poked me in the kidneys, while i was bending over and looking at cd's. I didn't punch her. But i said ,"never do that to me again. it makes me want to throw up in pain. If you ever do it again I will slap you in the face" (punch is just too mean for a 10 year old) Of course, she did it again. I turned around and looked her in the eye, and walked out of the store. I didn't slap her. Why am I the way I am? because I have been jumped from behind and choked. I have been smothered. someone tried to kill me four times when from when i was 16 until I was 21. this makes me a jumpy person.

[Evolve Dammit]

43. Your reactions are totally understandable given your story. Peace to you as well. Thanks.

[Cha]

40. Mahalo for sharing your

challenges, Oilem.

That is a whole lot to deal with.. thankfully you got to the part where you're not embarrassed to let people know what you're going through.

And, amazingly enough.. you have your brilliant sense of humor.. that's what I know about you.

It has helped.. it puts my recently acquired phobia more in perspective. I never had any most of my life.. but, oh boy.. when some experience happens that one is trapped in for awhile.. some people don't come out unscathed. The harassment has been over for a year but the PTSD is still around with a phobia attached.. only less so as time goes on.

So I guess you get a lot of exercise!

[OilemFirchen]

44. ...

[Cha]

46. Backatcha!

[Raine]

41. Thank you

I have panic attacks brought on when I feel trapped with no control, often just before I start to fall asleep (for some strange reason). I sit up and take deep breaths and keep mentally saying "stay calm, stay calm" til it passes. I'm lucky that so far they haven't been debilitating but the fear of having one can bring one on. I wish you all the best..

[OilemFirchen]

45. All the best to you as well.

Thanks!

[samnsara]

47. thank you....

[OilemFirchen]

48. You're welcome.