I've Talked With Teenage Boys About Sexual Assault for 20 Years. This Is What They Still Don't Know

[ehrnst]

I started visiting schools two decades ago. It was after the publication of my novel, Speak, which tells the story of a teenage girl struggling through the emotional aftermath of being raped. It is commonly read in high school and college literature classes, and has proven to be a useful springboard to conversations about rape mythology, sexual violence and consent.
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After my auditorium presentation, I typically visit a few classes for smaller group discussions about the themes of my book. In schools all over the country, in every demographic group imaginable, for 20 years, teenage boys have told me the same thing about the rape victim in Speak: They don’t believe that she was actually raped. They argue that she drank beer, she danced with her attacker and, therefore, she wanted sex. They see his violence as a reasonable outcome. Many of them have clearly been in the same situation.

They say this openly. They are not ashamed; they are ill-informed. These boys have been raised to believe that a rapist is a bad guy in the bushes with a gun. They aren’t that guy, they figure, so they can’t be rapists.

Why should they think otherwise? Their parents generally limit conversations about sex to “don’t get her pregnant” lectures. They learn about sex from friends, and from internet porn, where scenes of non-consensual sex abound. No one has ever explained the laws to them. They don’t understand that consent needs to be informed, enthusiastic, sober, ongoing and freely given.

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How do we reduce the horrifying amount of sexual violence in this country?

We talk to our boys. Parents, family members, educators, clergy and other leaders have the opportunity and responsibility to model and teach consent from the time kids are old enough to walk: “You don’t touch anyone without their permission.” Families and schools should regularly share facts about bodies and sex appropriate to the developmental age of the child. Cultural leaders — writers, musicians, film producers, artists, advertisers, professional athletes, actors and social media influencers — have the power to accurately portray how sexual assault happens, providing information that will save lives.

http://time.com/5503804/ive-talked-with-teenage-boys-about-sexual-assault-for-20-years-this-is-what-they-still-dont-know/

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. A big, fat K&R!

This is a very important article. Thank you for bringing it to our attention!

[zipplewrath]

2. I dunno

I was raised by parents that only discussed sex in terms of science. Insert tab A into Slot B kinda stuff. Other that that it was the whole "wait until marriage" lecture. I can't EVER remember a discussion about consent. And I was raised in the "James Bond" era of entertainment where "scoring" was the plan. I read the Penthouse Forum. I looked at Playboy. I knew phrases like "candy is sweet but liquor is quicker".

None the less I was VERY aware of the idea of consent. Several times I found myself with a overly intoxicated woman and the basic thought was of disappointment because I knew that there was no way she could choose in this condition. I'm not even sure I knew the word "consent" in this context. Quite honestly the word has always made me a little uncomfortable. My view was always that we both "chose". "Consent" makes it sound like I chose, and she relented or something.

Not sure how I learned this, but I did.

[ehrnst]

3. Perhaps your parents modeled empathy in other aspects of their lives.

Perhaps the group of friends you had also modeled that empathy.

[zipplewrath]

10. Mom, not so much dad

I have two theories on the subject, but I will say that mom and dad respected each other, even though they didn't really seem to like each other very much. And my mother was highly educated (especially for someone who graduated from college in 1944) and so between those two things, I never really thought of my mother as "stupid" or not worthy of respect (which is different from admiration). That may have influenced me significantly.

I also had a rather large group of female friends going through puberty into adulthood. These were platonic relationships such that I was exposed to their ups and downs of their romantic relationships. That may have influenced me as well.

Mind you, I was no saint. I was rather clueless in many ways, as were many nerds. But I did understand that "no means no". I actually had a girl friend in college who taught me an awful lot about how to treat women. I've thanked her many times over the decades.

In a slightly related topic, I had a rather snarky argument once with my father. He didn't like one of my friends and was often a bit cold to him. I called him on it and he made some comment about the boy not "earning" his respect. I challenged him by countering with "he's a person so he deserves your respect until he loses it". It is where my concept of the difference between respect and admiration come from.

[ehrnst]

12. My siblings and I are very, very different. My brother is more like our father, and my sister and I

like our mother - but we are still very different, politically, where we prefer to live, professions, etc.

We all ran with very different groups of friends, deal very differently with relationships and even have different accents now.

There's a lot about one's community and peers that influences us.

Thanks for sharing.

[zipplewrath]

13. I swear I'm adopted

But I understand that most people feel this way at one time or another.

[enough]

4. How to reduce sexual violence in this country?

Start convicting men who rape women they know and sentencing them appropriately.

[ehrnst]

6. Prevention is the start. Once it gets to violence, it's too late for the woman.

The criminal justice system is a reaction.

More arrests and jailing didn't reduce drunk driving as much as widespread campaigns of social disparagment of it and "designated drivers" did.

[el_bryanto]

5. It's interesting how those "explanations" reworded show up in discussions of racism

A racist is a guy with a swastika flag - a rapist is a guy hiding in the bushes. Not a perfect comparison of course, but the core of it does seem to be "The person who has this trait is a bad person, but I'm not a bad person. Therefore I must not have that trait."

Bryant

[ehrnst]

7. Yep. "If me and my friends do it, then there can't be anything wrong with it"

very much a symptom of white male privilege.

"We are the default, and society is only running well when it's set up around our comfort and preferences. "

[2naSalit]

8. [phone]!!

[RobinA]

11. I Wouldn't Say

this mindset has anything to do with white, or male, or privilege. In general, this is pretty universal among humans. Which is not to say it's morally right, or unavoidable, it just has nothing to do with any given race, gender, or relative privilege.

[ehrnst]

14. Our dominant culture is still white straight male. If they feel "uncomfortable"

then that alone is reason to call the police when a black man is 'lurking," or lash out at a woman who doesn't return their romantic interest.

We see it in policing, we saw it played out on television during the Kavanaugh hearings.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

23. This was my first thought.

[niyad]

9. k and r

[tiredtoo]

15. Maybe it's because i am from and older generation but personally

I never thought a girl wanted to have sex because she drank or dressed provocatively or flirted with me. Have no idea why young folks for the last 20 years have this idea in their heads. Maybe they are just trying to justify their actions.

[ehrnst]

18. It's even worse in older generations, as I've found. Brett Kavanaugh is a sterling example.

Did you catch the hearings? The republican men reeked of it.

Trump and his followers show that attitude all the time.

You are fortunate not to have run into it.

[TygrBright]

16. I had a similar epiphany with a group of youngsters that included teenage boys.

They ranged in age from about 13 to 17 or 18, boys and girls. They were in the group to provide support for one another in connection with family problems. I was there to answer questions about substance abuse, but the facilitator had warned me that discussion topics could vary widely based on the young peoples' direction on any given day.

And indeed, after a few questions about substance use/abuse and what is/isn't inappropriate, a couple of the boys expressed confusion and resentment about what they're "supposed to do" when a girl is drinking and "wants sex."

The facilitator handled that well, I thought. But the discussion kept going on the whole issue of sex, abuse, and assault. The group included both male and female survivors of familial abuse, but while relevant experience was powerful and empathy-evoking, what was really lacking for both males AND females was any kind of shared "database" of what's "normal", what's good/bad, and how to cope with interpersonal relations based on shared knowledge and assumptions.

The facilitator emailed me later with a handout the group had developed for themselves of "Stuff We Wish Teachers, Parents and Trusted Adults Had Told Us"

Honestly I don't remember all of it in detail, but I do remember a three things that really stuck out:

There's no one normal or right age for sex activities. People are ready for different things at different ages and when different things are going on in their lives. It doesn't make anyone less manly, mature, or cool to follow their own timeline. Peer pressure is just that. Pressure.

How people act isn't always a good guide to what they want or how they're feeling. What people say when they're feeling uncertain or pressured isn't always accurate either. Take your time, encourage honesty and listen.

Sex can be fun but it isn't a game. It's about two people safely sharing activities that make them both feel good. If your head is all about keeping score, impressing your friends, or proving something, you're in 'game space' not 'sex space.'

Kids are way smarter than adults often credit. But that doesn't mean they can figure out everything on their own. They often want to explore stuff that makes adults uncomfortable, but if adults don't step up, kids learn to avoid exploring and rely on instinct, peer pressure, and/or bad information.

affirmatively,
Bright

[Bernardo de La Paz]

17. The teens' attitudes are exact same as allowed Boof Kavanaugh to get onto SCotUS. . . . nt

[Takket]

19. This is such an important topic.............

After a tragedy America always recycles the "why don't we talk about...." talking points until they fade into the background noise........

Well this is it! the actual "talking about" that we always say we need. I would love to see our next secretary of education work with the author on how we roll this out on a nationwide scale.

[Coventina]

20. This shit enrages me. This is why EVERY WOMAN I KNOW is either a rape survivor or escaped

an attempt at rape.

The men in this country are SICK.

And before you say, "Not ALL men!!!!"

Yeah, I know there are morally upright men out there who would never dream of raping a woman.
But you know what, guys? You are the MINORITY.

But, sooner or later you have to acknowledge that it's YOUR GENDER that makes people assume women are not safe alone at night, that women cannot leave their drinks unattended, that fathers "worry" about their daughters dating and have the (supposedly humorous) "shovel talk."

It's encouraging that some men are starting to speak out about this ugly truth, but just look at the reaction to the recent Gillette commercial. They can't post it to the internet with out it being trashed by MEN!!!

[Tipperary]

22. I'm a woman, and I disagree with your statement that

good men are the minority. I’ve known all kinds of men in my life. Some bad, but far, far more were good men.

[Coventina]

26. So why is the author in this piece confronted all the time by teenage boys

who think it's A-OK to rape women?

Seems like it's a pretty common attitude.

Especially when nearly every women in this country has been victimized sexually in some fashion in her life?

The numbers suggest that sexually violent men are ten-a-penny.

[Joe941]

21. Law enforcement needs to be preemptive...

Take into custody those who are known to have a history is issues. This stuff doesn't just happen out of the blue one day.

[tblue37]

24. K&R for visibility. nt

[betsuni]

25. K&R

[JudyM]

27. K&R!