Anyone else not elderly or infirm yet thinking about going into assisted living?

[NNN0LHI]

My wife is 59 and I am 57.

We have learned, the hard way, that if something like this isn't done while both of us still have our mental and physical capacities it will be too late.

Both of our widowed mothers are now in the later stages of alzheimer's and neither of them can be pried out of their homes where they live alone at now with a crowbar. Can't be done. They both waited too long until doing something like this and it is now too late for them. They have both become hateful now and think the entire world is against them.

What do you guys think about this idea of ours?

Now or later?

What would you do?

Don

[GP6971]

1. I'd do it now

butnow but it depends on the expense. Some communities are financially out of reach for a lot of us.

[NNN0LHI]

3. We can afford it

Thank you for commenting.

Don

[cbayer]

2. There are communities with graduated levels of care that you might want to look into.

My father and his wife live in one. They live in their own home but the community provides many things - maintenance, repairs, upkeep of the community areas. They have access to a pool, art studios, library and many community based activities.

The complex also has assisted living and a nursing home.

While this is a unique community that serves a particular community (activist progressive religious people), there are similar set ups elsewhere.

That being said, I think you and your wife a way too young to be looking at assisted living.

[NNN0LHI]

5. Thank you for the suggestions

[Downwinder]

4. Think I am past the point. Agree with your Mother.

[blueamy66]

6. Do it.

I wish my Dad would have done so.

He would have had so much more to do, close to home. He would have had many more friends with the same interests. And when he did get sick, he could have gone directly into assisted living on the same property.

Good luck to you.

[likesmountains 52]

7. You could move to a senior living complex, not assisted living.

You can live independently or take advantage of meals in the dining room. It is a good arrangement for people who don't really need assistance yet. It's not cheap though and as my dad said when he moved in to one of the apartments at age 84 "It's awfully full of old people."

[yardwork]

8. I think that you are talking about Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC)?

The term "assisted living" specifically means on-site care from a dedicated care-giver. It's extremely expensive and I can't imagine anybody choosing it before it was essential. Many people never need assisted living.

I think that you may be thinking about moving into a Continuing Care Retirement Community or another kind of independent living retirement community? Those communities require that residents be relatively healthy and independent before moving in. Often these communities have more intense services available onsite, including assisted living or sometimes skilled nursing, and people move into them as needed.

Continuing Care Retirement Communities require residents to "buy in" to the community plus pay monthly fees for services. They can be extremely expensive.

My mom is living in a different model. It's an "independent living" community where she pays a monthly charge for rent, utilities, meals, and services. She gets some services, such as a shuttle for doctor's appointments and shopping, exercise, and other activities as part of this fee. She does not get any "assisted living" services such as a home health aid. It's still very expensive.

[NNN0LHI]

12. The one we are looking at has both independent living and assisted living

We were looking at it for our mothers and both came to the conclusion that we wouldn't mind living there ourselves after touring the place. I apologize for not being clearer on this in my OP.

We both love our house plenty but keeping it up is getting hard for us.

Thank you for commenting.

Don

[yardwork]

25. No need to apologize! I just wanted to be clear on what you were asking.

Some of the CCRC models require you to invest in a home, but you lose your equity very quickly. This would not be a choice I would make unless I knew for certain that I had early Alzheimer's or some other serious health issue that was guaranteed to get progressively worse, meaning that it was essential that I get myself into a community that would provide the step-up care I was going to require.

If it's simply a matter of wanting less maintenance on your existing home, and feeling that you could use some additional services such as meals in a dining room, free shuttle service to doctor's appointments, exercise facilities, etc., then you might want to consider renting month-to-month in an independent living facility.

[CTyankee]

81. Hubby and I are in our early 70s and we will be looking for a high rise apt.

I really don't want assisted living at this point. We can still be active, shop and cook our food, do laundry, drive to where we want to go, participate in community and nonprofit volunteer activities. We just don't want the lawn and snow removal costs involved in our house maintenance now, altho we really love our house. And we want just one level. But we can't support its maintenance now and we need to get out of it. We can save a lot of money in an apt.

My mother lived in her house until she was 90 and then I put her into Assisted Living. Because she was strong at that point, all was well. But my brother died suddenly a few years later and my mother declined sharply at that point. She died a few days after her 94th birthday....

[yardwork]

86. Apartment living has a lot to recommend it. Maintenance free and you can move anytime you want.

I'm currently enduring serious headaches from living in a condo community. I wish that I had never bought into it. It makes me very leery of buying into a retirement community.

[CTyankee]

87. Yeah, I had my condo experiment years ago and was cured of them.

My only worry about apartment living is noise. I hope I am wrong, but I live in peace and quiet now and would be quite upset if I moved into a noisy hi rise.

I did drive around a senior apartment complex last February, which I had heard was very quiet, but it looked dreary and uncheerful. It was certainly close to many amenities but not very much green space at all. I'd like a complex that had more grass and trees around...not just parking places and sidewalks...

[Arugula Latte]

9. We had a situation with a relative where other relatives were determined to keep him at home.

He wound up having stage 4 dementia. It would have been so much better if he and his wife had moved to assisted living together several years ago so they could have had more activities, a social life and better care.

[haele]

10. I'd wait until there is deterioration starting -

When it gets difficult to keep up with the family house, or when/if you two are ready to "retire", a retirement community with some connection to an assisted living housing might be a good thing to look into.
My mother is in her early 70's; she's considered that (taking her family health history into account) she'll be able stay in the house for another dozen years or so until it becomes difficult for her to get around on her own, and then she 'll have us go through what she'll want to keep in the family, sell the house, and move into a retirement community.
Right now, she's still trying to get her feet back under her since dad's passing last year, so she's not ready to think about moving any time soon.

Haele

[NNN0LHI]

14. I think we are both already at the deterioration starting point

Not really bad yet. But we both know it creeps up really fast because we watched it happen with our mothers.

Seemed like overnight.

Don

[haele]

49. It often seems so fast if they didn't live with you or if you didn't see them regularly.

Before you make a decision like that, if you're worried about Alzheimer's, since you're over 55, you both really should get checked out by a geriatrics doctor who knows what to look for; there is a normal aging process that can be somewhat confusing anyway while hormones and mental functions go into what my mom calls the "elder" mode, and you don't want to mistake a normal slow-down for something more serious before you really need to.

Unless Alzheimer's or dementia strikes around age 60 in both your families, you probably just need to adapt to the change in age.

Haele

[NNN0LHI]

57. My current doctor of +20 years is an internist who sees mostly elderly patients and I trust a lot

When I see him next week I am going to talk with him about this subject and get his opinion. He is my wife's doctor too so that works out good.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Don

[Skittles]

77. HEY!!

you sound like you are expecting it - are your doctors aware of your genetics? Are you researching how to keep mentally and physically intact? Don't give in without a HUGE fight!

[NNN0LHI]

80. I have always hoped for the best but planned for the worst my entire life

I am not giving up at all. Our doctor is aware of our genetics. We have had the same doctor for over 20 years and we really like him a lot.

Just planning on the worst possible outcomes and considering every option available at this point.

Don't worry, I am not going anywhere Skittles. Free high speed Internet included in the basic price.

Don

[Skittles]

83. THANKS NNN0LHI

just making sure you amd Mrs. NNN0LHI are not depressed and giving up - that just would not do!

[RebelOne]

11. I am 73 and was thinking about it, but can no way afford it.

I live alone in a mobile home. I am not disabled and my health is fairly good, so I am OK for now. My son wants me to move in with him and his wife, but he lives way out in the boonies with the nearest supermarket about 5 miles away. I have the convenience of having all kinds of shopping within a 1-mile radius, and I would hate to give that up.

[NNN0LHI]

82. If you are a veteran or the widow or wife of a veteran the VA will pay $800 of that monthly fee

Not sure if that helps but I thought I would mention that.

Good luck.

Don

[kestrel91316]

13. I don't think assisted living places take healthy folks in their 50s.

And why would you want to give up your own home (rented OR owned) to live in a single room in a place where everybody else is elderly and frail and most of their minds are gone???????

[NNN0LHI]

19. That is what I thought too. But I was wrong

We own our own home but it is getting to be too much for us to handle.

And the people we met there seemed to have great minds to us.

The youngest couple there were in their 40's. Snowbirds. They go to Florida for 6 months a year for winter and come back in the spring.

The place is like a vacation resort. Fishing, golf course, swimming pool and we can keep our own car.It is two big bedrooms with a kitchen and living area. Couldn't ask for anything more. Its all we need.

Don

[kestrel91316]

34. That can't possible be "assisted living". It sounds like a senior facility for independent living.

Nobody goes on vacation from assisted living facilities.

I ought to know. My mom was in one for several years at the end of her life. They are one step up from a nursing home. They had a little patio area (secured) and a circular path through the garden area so nobody could wander off. Most folks there had Alzheimer's or other dementia. Only one resident had her own car, but her mind was still good and she liked to go out shopping occasionally, but after a couple years even she deteriorated then died (she was in her 90s).

You are far too healthy for anything other than Active Senior Living. Some of those places have Assisted Living as part of their services when your mind and body start to go.

[HiPointDem]

15. later. my parents had an affordable situation like that -- but it became unaffordable within

a matter of years.

they raised the price yearly, and not just a little bit.

[newblewtoo]

16. I have been through

this before with three aunts. I will say that unless you have current health problems you seem a little young to need assisted living. If you have health issues it is probably not a bad idea and may help with later nursing home placement. Most assisted living facilities usually require you to be self evacuate mobile so if you are not that may also be a consideration.

Mine is a story of two aunts who had resources and one who didn't. One aunt with resources sold her house and went into assisted living in her late seventies. All of her assets went into the home. The other chose to stay in her home and ended up in a nursing home with dementia. All her assets went to the state and a useless nephew (administrator) who the state is still after. She lost her home was forced into the first available facility which was closer to a bedlam asylum than nursing facility. I still have nightmares when I think of how that poor woman suffered in her final years.

The third aunt lived with us until we were no longer able to care for her (and we had amassed enough money for her to go into a county run assisted living and nursing facility). She was in her late eighties when she went in and lived for about four more years in comfort and dignity. When she was no longer able to stay in the assisted living facility do to a broken hip she was able to transfer to the nursing home side with no problem.

In any event good luck with your decision and congratulations for having the foresight to plan in advance.

[jxnmsdemguy65]

17. Have your moms try coconut oil for their Alzheimer's ...

It may help greatly...

http://naturalsociety.com/coconut-oil-and-alzheimers-reversing/

[MineralMan]

18. Please don't offer medical advice on DU.

It's an inappropriate thing to do. Truly.

[earthside]

27. Coconut oil.

Medical advice is more like telling someone complaining about stomach pains that according to the symptoms what it is, ie., making a diagnosis and telling what kind of medicine to take.

Offering information about an herbal remedy that a person has heard about is, well, providing information.

Last week I overheard someone saying something about Alzhiemer's and coconut oil (my dad has Alzheimer's), but I forgot about it until I saw this post. Frankly, I appreciated the link.

[MineralMan]

32. Recommending that someone with Alzheimers

take coconut oil to treat it is medical advice, and very poor medical advice indeed. There is zero evidence that there is any benefit from it, and only an alternative medicine woo site recommending it. It's a complete waste of money, to be quite frank, and does nothing but add a bit of fat to the diet. Coconut oil has been used for a very long time in food. It's fine as a vegetable-sourced oil, but the versions sold by health food stores are horribly overpriced and have no medicinal properties at all. It's pure woo, and nonsense as far as Alzheimers is concerned.

[eShirl]

73. or, as Snopes puts it:

Claim: Coconut oil is an effective treatment for Alzheimer's disease.

* UNDETERMINED

http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/coconutoil.asp

[DURHAM D]

20. I do not believe anyone would allow you at this point to

move into assisted living. To be blunt, they would never allow a man who is physically okay to have free run of the floor/facility. Also it would be a total waste of money on your part.

You should consider moving into a retirement community. You start in a single family home, duplex or apartment and gradually move through the levels of living style as the need arises. If you develop memory issues the management will at some point make a decision for you as regards being moved into a memory unit.

My parents moved into a retired community when my Dad was 80 and my Mother 74. They had down-sized homes 3 times prior to moving into the retirement village. Frankly, they realized a few months into it that they had moved in too soon because they were surrounded by nothing but old people. They had always traveled a lot and became even more creative in finding things that interested them, volunteer projects that were engaging, and more excuses to travel.

Fourteen years after moving into the community my Mother died of Alzheimer's in a memory unit. The next year my Father died in the same memory unit of Lewy body.

BTW, my parents were required to review and update their end of life instructions every year. When they no longer had full capacity us children were expected to assist in the review. We never changed anything because they were such good and practical planners.

Do you have children?

[NNN0LHI]

23. The woman in charge of admissions told us it would be fine

So that is what I am going by here.

Don

[handmade34]

21. senior housing is great for many people

if you enjoy community living, I think it is wonderful!!

I just got back last night from a visit with my 84 yo father and signed all the papers to take over his finances if need be (he is doing okay right now)... he seriously does not want to go to a nursing home (he lives in a 55+ mobile home park in FL) and has good insurance for in home care if needed... he stated that if he needs further help, he just wants me to "pull the plug" on him...

I feel the same as my dad... Once I get settled on my little farm, I intend to stay and die there...

[madamesilverspurs]

22. Not a question everyone can answer.

In my case, finances rule out that option. Period. Same goes for those senior housing communities.

For many of us, affordability is THE determining factor. Heck, I'd be thrilled to find a place with no stairs; but even that market is too expensive, at least where I live. Yes, I've thought about relocating, but I've got all my doctors trained and they don't want to move.


-

[meaculpa2011]

24. Don't do anything in haste.

My friend sold his home and his car and his boat and moved into an assisted living facility, pre need, at age 87. He was miserable for the last six years of his life. I took the long drive periodically to take him out to dinner, but he spent most of his time moping. This was a man who took care of his house, tended his yard and was out deep sea fishing when he was 86. His favorite fishing spot was 12 miles offshore and if a friend wasn't available he often made the trip by himself. After much hounding, his kids convinced him he was too old for that kind of activity.

Of course, when he sold everything his kids split the proceeds so even if he wanted to leave he couldn't.

At 59 and 57 you'll have many, many years of regret. Think long and hard.

[NNN0LHI]

26. We can't do anything in haste

Two year waiting list right now.

Don

[yardwork]

67. Getting on a waiting list is a good idea if you've found a place you like!

As you note, the best ones tend to have long waiting lists, as long as ten years. Once you've paid the deposit and gotten on the waiting list, many communities allow you to defer year to year even after your name comes up. Doing this gives you the option to move when you are ready. It's a smart thing to do.

I would investigate other options and ask lots of questions too. As I mentioned upthread, there are a lot of variables. Some communities allow you to retain equity so if you want to move out you can sell your house or condo and move. Other communities take all your equity, so you are stuck. The quality of the nursing home care available varies quite a bit - ask around. Some communities don't take Medicare for the nursing home or medical center care! This could be a bad surprise.

[NNN0LHI]

71. Thank you. The waiting list is our plan because we would still need to sell our house first

My wife and I are going to go for a tour there Tuesday so we can ask some questions and look around some more.

Thanks for the advice.

Don

[mnhtnbb]

28. I've been through this with watching my parents move into assisted living

in 2000. My dad, at 89, was failing some and my mom needed skilled nursing. So he took
an assisted living apartment and she went into the skilled nursing side. Dad went in
for a hernia repair and came out with a postoperative dementia! Fortunately, the facility
was able to then immediately place him in the secure unit--so he wouldn't leave the building
and wander.

But look at the ages! I personally can't imagine being surrounded with nothing but 'oldsters'
in my 50's.

Hubby will be 70 this year and I'm 61. I do NOT want to do the assisted living thing--ever.
We rebuilt our house (that burned 5 years ago) and when we did we designed it to 'age in
place'. We have space for someone to live in with us. We have all one level--except
for the lower level, separate entrance bedroom/ensuite bathroom where that person might
reside.

There are a number of very popular communities as mentioned in post # 8 and it sounds like
that's what you have in mind...but that's not assisted living. You really need to get all
the definitions of all the various options out there clear, because it does seem to me that
you would both be too young for assisted living...and it will be very expensive!

My 93 yo uncle is now in an assisted living facility in Pasadena, CA and his room/board/additional
attendant (he was falling a lot and the facility required him to have a person with him 7 am/7pm)
is costing him upwards of $10K/month!

[NNN0LHI]

31. This one is in the $3000 per month range and our monthly retirement pensions are more than that

And at this point we can attend to each other.

Don

[mnhtnbb]

36. My uncle started out at $4500--and the amount was up to $10K within a year.

[greatauntoftriplets]

43. I think the line below that you wrote is crucial to this discussion.

"But look at the ages! I personally can't imagine being surrounded with nothing but 'oldsters'
in my 50's."

I am 63, work full-time (though am on sick leave right now following a lengthy hospitalization for a nasty infection) and would hate being around old people all the time. I like to hear the sound of children. My mother felt the same way and was able to stay in her house until she died a week short of her 94th birthday.

[mnhtnbb]

55. OTOH, our next door neighbor is in his upper 80's and has no business living alone.

He can't hear; he fell about a year ago and ended up in rehab; I've seen him
fall in his yard and I watch to see if he gets up; 5 years ago when our house burned down
here he slept right through it. I've seen him on his butt...scooting around in the ivy
this summer (great habitat for copperheads)... and he's the guy who used to wear
his galoshes out in the ivy when we first moved here and warned us about snakes!

He's an ornery old coot--with a seriously bad temper--and refuses to move to assisted
living.

[hedgehog]

29. It's all what matters to you. I'd rather have my too large, too weedy

garden that always needs work than my sister's much smaller, manicured plot. Some people like to putter around taking care of things, others would rather go do something else. My husband would go nuts if he was confined to watching tv, playing golf, swimming, fishing, playing cards etc. I'm certain if we ever went on a cruise, he'd spend his time in the engine room making things work better! But that's him! There's no sense tying yourself to a house that's become a burden!

[enlightenment]

30. Assuming that you have a concrete agreement with the facility you choose

then I think it's a good idea.

My parents' considered it, but never made the leap. They both died last year, in their own home. From our perspective (the kids) we can say, "well, we never put them in a home . . ." and "well, they died in their own home . . ." and all the other things we say as we try to come to grips with losing our parents (and let me add that I cherish every moment I had with them) - but:

I believe that their final decade would have been more comfortable and less stressful in a graduated care facility that gave them the freedom to do what they could as long as they could and then provided assistance as it was needed. I honestly believe that it was harder for them to accept the gradual loss of autonomy because they were in their own home; to accept that they can no longer cook in their own kitchen was harder than just switching from cooking their own meals to using the communal dining option of a senior living center. It was harder to admit that they needed help getting off the toilet and having to have bars and risers added than having a toilet that already has the safety feature installed and a call button nearby. Harder to admit that they couldn't do their own laundry anymore when they still had a washer and dryer - that they couldn't drive to the store when they still had a car in the garage . . .

It was their home - but it was also a daily reminder of how much they couldn't do anymore, and that was hard for them.

There are so many options for senior living these days; you mentioned that you can afford it, so I think it's something to seriously consider.

[NNN0LHI]

33. I think Alzheimer's may be hereditary?

My mother had it at an early age. Younger than me. Her younger sister has it. Their father had it and died from it in his 50's.

So all of this is swishing around in my brain too.

Don

[enlightenment]

37. I'm not up on the research - but I have heard

there is a tendency for it to run in families. That said, it's not a given, only a possibility.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, beyond making sure that you have your 'house' in order (as it were) - that's a good thing to do, in any case. Worrying about it can make you see/feel/believe that every little problem is a sign that you are developing symptoms.

Keep in mind that a lot of the things that are symptomatic of Alzheimer's are also just a part of getting older, full stop. If you're going to develop early onset dementia, you're going to develop it. Worrying about it won't change that - so I think the wiser course would be to get all your ducks in a row; make good plans for the future and implement those that you can; and then get on with your life. This thing might control you - one day - but it doesn't now . . . unless you let it.

Don't let it.

[NNN0LHI]

39. Thank you but did you read in my OP about waiting until it was too late?

My wife and I both watched as our mothers went in to full blown alzheimer's, but there was nothing we could do about it.

By the time their doctors told us of their diagnosis they could not be moved from their homes. They can both afford to live where my wife and I want to go but they are not able to leave their homes now. They must feel safe there.

They have both said they plan of dying in their homes, we don't know of any way to get them to leave short of using a straight jacket.

See what you can be up against here with this problem?

Don

[enlightenment]

45. I'm a bit confused, then.

I did read your OP - I thought the question was in regard to yourself and your wife, which is why I suggested (firstly) that yes, looking into a progressive care living situation might be a good thing to do, and (secondly) that you should get your ducks in a row, regardless of your current state of health.

I'm not arguing your belief that you and/or your wife will develop early onset Alzheimer's - only that you shouldn't allow the fear of it to control your lives. Preemptively deciding your future is common sense, given your family backgrounds - worrying about whether or not you will develop the disease is not.

I didn't think you were discussing your mothers' - and believe me, I do understand how difficult it can be (it was grandparents in my case) once someone is stuck into an idea. I can't comment on your mothers', beyond sympathy for your situation. I don't know the details and I'm not an expert in any case.

All I can say is that I was responding to what I thought you were asking - a question regarding yourself and your wife - and not the question of how to deal with your mothers' situations (which sounds bloody awful for everyone involved, from the little you have said). Please pardon my confusion.

[NNN0LHI]

65. I was trying to point out how the disease creeps up on the patient

Both of our mothers were probably initially diagnosed with early stages ten years ago but after they would take the medication for a week and began feeling better they would stop taking it. Both are religious and are convinced they are strong enough to pray away any mental illness. Especially an illness of the brain.They consider such ailments a mental weakness. Nothing that praying and going to church can't fix. But it didn't go that way. They just deteriorated until they were unable to make good decisions for themselves any more. They waited too long. And their husbands who died in the past 5 years did a great job of covering up for their illness for them too. But after they both died it became really noticeable how sick these two women were.

Waiting too long and getting in that shape is my biggest worry about this. We can't wait until we are unable to make rational decisions any more. Too late by then. That is what I was trying to point out in my OP.

Don

[Bluenorthwest]

56. My mother has Alzheimers, and there is no way on Earth she could live at home

If they are managing to care for themselves safely, they are not yet full blown Alzheimer's....it's just not.
And you don't want assisted living, you want Del Boca Vista, a nice condo for 55 and older folks. A community, not a facility. If you can afford what you say, get a condo and some good help like normal people and go to the hospice or assisted care when you are in need.

[alphafemale]

35. You are thinking of yourself as near infirm at 57-59?

Yeah. Maybe you do belong there then.

Just sit down and die.

I intend to be climbing mountains well past that.

[RevStPatrick]

42. Just so you know...

Your post was alerted on.
Because it was totally obnoxious.
I and the jury voted to leave it, in order to give people the opportunity to say what a totally obnoxious post this is, and to point out the character of you, the poster.

The OP asked a real, heartfelt question, and you decided to be obnoxious.
How's that working for you?

[alphafemale]

70. BLLLAAAHHH!!! Allert that! nt

gawd

[stubtoe]

44. Yeah, I am having trouble with that too. It's too soon.

Maybe just downsize a bit, get a condo or something. Go travelling. Take courses. Have fun. Y'all have probably a good 25-30 years left.

Just get a plan in place "in case" something goes horribly wrong.

[kiva]

66. "Intend to be"?

Meaning you're not there yet and have no fucking idea about what you will or will not do.

Maybe you should take some of your own advice, since apparently it passed the jury system as a leave.

[alphafemale]

72. Yeah I INTEND to stay active.

I do not intend to sit on a porch and wait to be infirm. I'll hike down and out of the Grand Canyon in ten years not be helped off a scooter.

Late 50's is NOT old. That's ridiculous.

If I make it to my mid 80's I might agree I'm old. And I might stop hiking.

[kiva]

85. That's great,

it would be wonderful if everyone wanted and was able to do that, a good thing.

That said, telling someone else to "sit down and die" has nothing to do with what you want for your own life and everything to do with being...well, you can fill in the blank.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

38. agree with your Mothers. don't blame them for wanting to stay in their homes. institutional living

is not for me at all.

[NNN0LHI]

46. They no longer take care of their own personal hygiene or keep their homes clean

We have hired some housekeepers but neither of them can stand to have strangers in their homes.

After about a week something comes up missing. Jewelry, etc.

Then about a week after they fire the housekeeper for stealing, they find what they thought was stolen by the housekeeper.

We have even had my mother living with us for several 3 to 4 month stretches. My wife and I waited on her like she was staying at a 5-Star Hotel, and she hated every minute of it.

See what we are up against as we age?

If it wasn't for Bufferin and Brioschi Anti-Acid even at my age I would be bedridden.

Fun getting old. isn't it?

Don

[Tuesday Afternoon]

47. beats the alternative.

[NNN0LHI]

52. I agree. I don't mind getting old. I actually enjoy it

We just don't want to become a burden on our kids.

They have their own problems to deal with.

Don

[RebelOne]

68. Yes, that is what my daughter said to me when I complained about aging. n/t

[Nay]

40. Go now. A friend of mine (J.) was in this situation10 yrs ago. His doc told him he was going

to get progressively worse (peripheral neuropathy) and would end up in a wheelchair. We pleaded, argued and cajoled, as did all his other friends, for him to sell his big house while the market was good and get into elder housing where he could go from mobile to assisted living in the same place. But no. He wouldn't hear of it. He couldn't possibly leave his house (a hoarder's mess, which his friends would have helped him clean out).

Fast forward 10 years. His oldest friend, who is himself disabled, calls me at 5 a.m. one morning to ask whether I could call the police and meet them at J's house, cuz J has disappeared - doesn't answer the phone, no emails, etc. I call police and meet them. J's car is there, the house is searched (even under all the piles) and no J. A couple of days later he is found in the hospital after having been picked up out of a ditch by a passerby.

Not only does he have his physical disabilities, he has now developed dementia. He still recognizes me and can, at times, talk coherently, but if he had taken care of himself and prepared a transition while he still had friends who could help him clean his house, etc. (we're now too old and sick ourselves), it would have gone much better for him. Oh, well.

[NNN0LHI]

50. My wife trained a young man where they both worked who was diagnosed with alzheimer's at age 39

I didn't think I needed to start considering this for a while until she told me about him.

Don

[Cleita]

41. Not me. But then I hit the gym regularly and am in pretty

good health. I really couldn't afford assisted living at this time. When the time comes, I dunno what I will do, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. As far as your mothers, it's too bad our society falls short in providing long term care to seniors. It seems that getting some professional help to those ladies on a daily basis would alleviate a lot of your problems. I believe other countries, like France and Denmark have programs for this that work well. Even if you had to move them into your homes, having a caregiver come every day to help you could be of assistance.

[NNN0LHI]

75. I already live a pretty much sedentary lifestyle due to being retired

So that part won't bother me. I will probably get more exercise there than I do here now. So a move like this might even extend our lives.

We have tried moving our mothers into our home and also the caregiver into their homes.

They don't trust any stranger in their homes and they hated staying here even though it was like living in a 5-Star Hotel here. Anything they asked for they got. And like having 24 hour room service. It is really nice here at our house for them and they both hated being here because they weren't in their own home. They actually hate staying in their own homes too because of the loneliness I think. I am kind of the same way too. I like our own King Size bed and our own bathrooms. I don't care for staying away from my own house.

But I think they would hate wherever they were at during this stage of their illness. Just part of the illness.

No easy answers here.

Don

[Cleita]

76. Not to tell you what to do, but when

my step daughter was confronted with dealing with her mother's alzheimers, she had to make a hard decision. Although she had moved her into her home, the situation got so progressively harder that it was affecting her marriage big time. She forced mom to go to an assisted living home because she had no choice. Mom hated it at first but after a month or so she settled in, and she started liking it. She met some new friends who also lived there. She began to like the amenities. I had a conversation with her one Thanksgiving when she actually told me how nice the home and the staff were and what fun she had socializing with her new friends. Maybe it's time to consider more drastic measures.

[FLyellowdog]

48. Do it. I would if I could. nt

[flamingdem]

51. why? Just curious

Why do it before there is a need unless it will save money down the line?

[newblewtoo]

69. What I found with one aunt was that if you

wait too long you can find yourself at the ''mercy" of the system. To better explain that, my aunt thought she would be able to live at home but began to slip much like Don pointed out in several posts above about his mother and mother in law. In my aunt's case she was actually working in a hospital when she began to fail. She worked into her early eighties as a dietitian. Her husband died at an early age and left her penniless.

One of the in-home care workers did indeed steal from her (including medications for which she was arrested). When it became apparent that the administrator was as incompetent as she, the state was forced to place her in the next available bed. Turned out to be a pure hell hole hours away from friends and family with half the staff non English speaking.
ut
While I cannot speak for the OP it doesn't sound like this is a money issue but rather one of advanced planning to avoid the type situation I outlined above. There are multi-level facilities where you can move from an apartment or condo situation with virtually no assistance to an assisted living room or suite and then to more skilled nursing and hospice.

[FLyellowdog]

84. I'd be able to make the decision rather than someone else.

I'm afraid that as I age family might make decisions based on what's best for them instead of what's best for me particularly if estate money is involved. If I wait until I'm too old to make good decisions, it'll be too late for my input.

I think moving to a progressive care facility would be wonderful. It would solve any health problems I might have as I age and relieve the family of making hard decisions when the time comes.

[grasswire]

53. my two aunties live in a retirement community with different levels of service

From a health center that is equipped for hospice care, even, to cottage housing for those who are independent and need little help -- it's all there.

The people who live there have a blast. Many, many events like dances, luaus, hot air balloon trips, dining out at restaurants, cultural events....plus big exercize gym, wood shop, clubs, concerts. The community is vibrant and energetic.

One of my aunts deteriorated when she was in her mid-eighties and was in the health center and hospice care. Then she rallied. She's back in her cottage, getting around well and taking part in many many activities.

These aunties are now in their early nineties, and living well!

On edit: this community will never kick out a resident who might run out of funds. They have an endowment that promises to subsidize anyone who outlives their financial resources.

[flamingdem]

54. Have you found any communities that are "hip" as in geared to education, culture?

I like the idea of community living. I call my parents assisted living place an old folks commune to tease them. The meals are great and they have excellent guest lectures, concerts. But when I'm there by the way everyone assumes I am a child of someone. There was one person in their 50s living there who was married to an older man. One thing that would bother me is that a lot of people there die.. but it's a positive place to be and I enjoy it.

[mnhtnbb]

58. Yes. There is a place here in Chapel Hill with a 10 year wait list: Carol Woods.

http://carolwoods.org/

[flamingdem]

60. Great, near Duke

a great place no doubt with wonderful events.

[mnhtnbb]

61. Whhaaatt!!!! Near UNC-Chapel Hill. OK, yes, Duke, too.

They provide shuttle transportation to concerts/events at both universities.

[flamingdem]

63. That long wait though, there has to be increasing demand

at all such facilities with the Boomers booming along..

I heard about another place on a university campus, I think it's a trend, pricey though.

[MissMarple]

59. You can live in a home or townhome in some of them,

Can you visit for a week or so to see how it goes? I guess the plus side is you get to do your own downsizing.

[mitchtv]

62. we are ready to start

mr is going on 76 with COPD on o2 all the time. I at 68 , now diagnosed with Parkinson's . I can't care for him AND take care of this big house. I will first get rid of my Tbird and find something more practical and economical.We were thinking Condo as a first step, I am thinking about not being able to drive at some point. I dread the garage sale step and reduing my things. I did that once when we moved from the farm in 02. Anyway, good luck.

[KarenS]

64. I understand your thoughts on this.

My Mom is in the Memory Care unit of a retirement home. The rest of the place is considered Independent Living/Assisted Living depending on the needs of the residents. The apartments have small kitchens and there is a large communal dining area that's open 7am to 7pm with multiple food choices each day. The apartments are cleaned by staff. Some residents have their own vehicles, some don't. There are activities planned, entertainment brought in, a small van to take folks places,,,,, If a resident's needs change the independent living can be turned into assisted living meaning help with showering and dressing and medications and laundry (of course, the price increases).
My Dad lives nearby but I've been working on him to move into this place also (not with Mom but under the same big roof as Mom).

My Husband's Mother had Alzheimer's and my Mom has Parkinson's Dementia so needless to say we have had many discussions about what we're going to do.

I think you guys need to do what you think is best for your situation.
I get it.

on edit,,,,

Get on the waiting list while you're thinking about it. Then you can make the decision when there's an opening.

[Samantha]

78. I am conflicted on this subject and I am older than you -- here is why

Last edited Mon Aug 20, 2012, 12:24 AM - Edit history (1)

My best friend's mother who I had known for over 40 years moved into an extremely large retirement community, probably around 70. She had lived with her daughter for the previous 6 or 7 years. She looked into several places for her last move, and chose a tremendous, expansive facility not too far from my home. When I first visited her there, I was so impressed I thought I too would eventually move there when my time came.

The facility was divided into three components: independent living with neat apartments of various sizes from a studio to huge 3 bedrooms with a sun room. The requirement for moving in was that one must be able to walk in, otherwise move in while they were still able to walk in independently, and they had to be 62 years old (of Social Security benefit age). She had to buy the apartment she chose, a studio with separate bath, small kitchen, entry hallway and then a room which was the living room on one end and a sleeping area on the other end. It had a gigantic walk in closet. She also had to pay a monthly fee for utilities and other services.

I was stunned at the smallness of the place, but I guess it might be all that someone around 70 might need. The doctor was down the hallway, as was the dentist. There were about 5 really nice restaurants on the grounds, which were beautiful and expansive, buses to shopping centers, a theater, you name it, it had it. There was even an apartment available for out-of-town visitors to stay in.

My friend's mother started immediately lobbying her life-long best friend to move into the same facility. The friend agreed but kept postponing the move. She finally agreed to move in in one more year. That winter, she slipped on the ice on her sidewalk and broke her back. She could never walk unassisted again the rest of her life, and thus, she was ineligible to move into this facility. Both she and my friend's mother were devastated.

Once a person needed assisted living, they left their original home and moved into a very large room with a bath. Some people lived in a room alone, some shared with one other roommate. Once one got past assisted living, he or she moved into the hospice care. So once a person moved in, they could stay the rest of their life. The place had a great cafeteria downstairs, where she and I ate when I visited. Beautiful furnishings.

She eventually passed, and when her account was settled the daughter, her only child, was reimbursed for the amount her mother had paid for the original apartment. (BTW, there were several churches on the grounds, and I attended her funeral which was held at the church she attended. It was a beautiful church.)

Since my original decision, I have heard several seniors say it is very depressing to live in a place like that and hear ambulances' sirens everyday. It is a constant reminder that life is indeed fleeting. I thought about it, and decided it would be disturbing, as well as the fact that I would be living with people who were only older. Other stories emerged about other institutions which housed my family members which were disturbing. I decided when I was in my late 50s I wanted to stay in my home forever. I mow the grass and have no problem doing it. I have planted trees and flowers. I love the yard work. I have a dog and we walk everyday, she knows the route even though she has become nearly blind. I have close relationships with my neighbors. I live four blocks from the back of the metro station. I could walk to the organic market if I chose to do so. I shovel snow. I read a lot and keep myself mentally challenged (after all I post on DU!). I have a ton of books I have collected all my life, and I would have to give many of them up. I couldn't handle that. I have an apartment downstairs I put in for rental purposes, but if I ever needed a caretaker, that person could live there. I want to stay here until I check out.

There are people of all ages on my street, and I love it here.

No one can tell you and your wife what the best decision is for you. It is a very personal preference one should consider over time after talking to a number of people who have already made that decision.

I will be 62 in December and I do have Alzheimer's in my family, but I have decided already I will not get it! so that shows you how seriously you can listen to me....

BTW, do you live in the Washington, DC metro area? For some reason I am thinking you do, but of course could be mistaken.

Sam

[NNN0LHI]

79. Illinois

And thanks for your nice comments.

Good luck to you.

Don