BREAKING NEWS: Michael survivor handed single water bottle demands paper towels thrown at him.
"It's the least I can expect," said Robert Whatley of Panama City Beach, who stood in line for three hours for the opportunity to be handed a single bottle of water from the President and First Lady. "I mean, Hurricane Maria survivors got to see President Trump engage in a rapid fire volley of paper towels as if he was competing for tickets at Chuck-E-Cheese. Me? I get handed 12 ounces of Aquafina without any of the accompanying fun, whimsical yet wildly inappropriate attitude. Frankly, I expected more. A lot more."
As of press time, Whatley was last seen sitting on the front steps of his roofless house, watching the sun set while wistfully blowing musical notes into his long-since emptied water bottle to pass the time.
Details at Eleven.
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Professional victims. If he had a roll of paper towels beaned off his noggin he would have complained that it should have been a bottle of water. 
