How would you handle a Trumper neighbor?

[SHRED]

Last edited Sun Oct 7, 2018, 09:33 AM - Edit history (1)

Across the way in our cul-de-sac lives a lady on her 70's.
She is "chatty" and friendly on the surface but she can't stop talking about herself (one of those types), is a FAUX news believer, and doesn't hesitate to say racist crap in front of us like "I need to get a 'mexican' over here to do some yard work." She is also into RW conspiracy theories.

Problem is she bugs us to come over and let our little dogs play together and wants to socialize like dinner and stuff. I think she is lonely. She'll even come over if we don't answer our phones and ask if we're okay.

We've have hung out a little but now feel trapped.
How do we tell her we don't want to hang out with her without creating animosity?
This is a tough one in that we see her in the front yard many times a month since we live so close by.

Ugh.

ON EDIT:

For clarity sake...
We don't want to be friends with her at all. Period. But we don't want to be rude about it.

[oberliner]

1. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you

[SHRED]

5. Not into religious cliches

[oberliner]

8. It's not religious and it's not a cliche

Just a well-known variant of the general principle that it's good to be kind to everyone.

(Also, it was my response to how I would handle such a person, which I thought was what you were asking)

[SHRED]

10. We are kind to her

That's the problem.

She takes it as a sign to get closer to us and we are not at a point where we can take it in this current political climate with tRump and a rapist now seated.

[oberliner]

25. I understand your frustration

Have you explained to her what your feelings are about Trump? Maybe you can get her to stop making any political comments and just stick to discussing innocuous topics. That's what I have done with certain family members.

[SWBTATTReg]

53. I agree w/ you oberliner. She's (the neighbor) is ranting and raving about rump, and you ...

have every right to rant and rave about whom you wish to, e.g., HRC or Obama, etc. Communications is a two way street and if she doesn't agree, she'll probably drop dealing w/ you pretty quickly.

[Historic NY]

63. Stop being overly kind, tell her you have to go, etc....

[LanternWaste]

90. Applying your sentiment consistently-- even on DU, would lend it the credence of sincerity.

"it's good to be kind to everyone..."

[raccoon]

29. Doesn't mean you have to be all palsy-Walsy with them. NT

[oberliner]

30. No, but you can be friendly

That's what I would do. Kindness goes a long way.

[stonecutter357]

32. Kindness goes a long way. Not with racist pigs ..

[LBM20]

42. CONDEMN THEIR ACTIONS!! Be nice to the person but if she brings up Trump SHUT HER DOWN!

[pangaia]

78. In my view, that was meant to mean love your inner enemies, not fear and run from them.

But face them as part of one'e total being.

Watch them. But do not identify with them.

[Iliyah]

2. Showing them what a true Christian is.

[SHRED]

4. I'm not a Christian

[Funtatlaguy]

3. See my cognitive dissonance post below.

[mercuryblues]

6. Have dinner with her

channel block fox when she isn't looking. Talk about dog treats, weather, and safe topics.

Invite her over for dinner and have a recorded Rachel episode playing on the tv.

[pintobean]

18. Vandalism?

[tazkcmo]

60. That's not vandalism.

Nothing gets broken or costs money to revert to its previous condition.

[pintobean]

62. Yes, it is.

Try to justify it all you want, but it most certainly is vandalism.

Eta - I'm sure you would be okay with people coming into your home and fucking with the settings on your electronics, without your knowledge or permission.

[tazkcmo]

65. No it isn't

Wirds have meaning and vandalism isn't what the poster called for no matter what you think. As for what I'm ok with, you don't know as I haven't discussed that at all. No point really as you seem to assign your own definitions to words. Bye bye.

[sarisataka]

66. Maybe not vandalism per se

But it is definitely being an asshole

[tazkcmo]

85. Now

That I'll agree with.

[PJMcK]

7. Make yourself too busy to spend time with her

I had a neighbor like that, once. Actually, I moved!

You could just confront her, speak your mind then walk away. Kind of uncool, though.

Good luck.

[Va Lefty]

9. Honestly, I try to avoid them.

The news every damn day is depressing enough. Why make life anymore unpleasant than you have too?

[SHRED]

13. Exactly

That's the dilemma.

[DemocratSinceBirth]

11. Easy. Tell her how you feel about Trump and if she still wants to be your friend oblige her.

At the gym there are Trumpsters who I am friendly with but I let them know I despise Trump. The next step is up to them.

[SHRED]

16. She doesn't bring up politics

Well, rarely if ever.

[Blue_true]

56. I once worked with a guy who used a racist term several times.

He did it once and I had enough. I took him aside, explained that the term was racist and how I felt about him using it in my presence. He was shocked, he honestly didn't see it as racist and explained why he came to that. After a lot more conversation, he came to agree with my viewpoint, never heard him use the term or any other racist term again.

Her use of Mexican for yard workers can be just thoughtless banter, or it could be vile racist. You will never know for sure and assume if you don't take her aside and have a conversation about how you and many people view her description.

Try a sit down conversation with her, that may or may not change the dynamics.

My oldest brother is from her generation. I have confronted him a few times about using a racist term for people that I know that he has no hatred for. That was just how a person in his age range learned to talk, even though my parents didn't use that nonsense, so they didn't teach him.

[Orangepeel]

12. Put out Democratic lawn signs

She might not want to socialize anymore

[SHRED]

14. She knows who we are

In fact she recently blurted out "You guys are liberals".

[Blue_true]

59. Was it a friendly blurt?

You maybe missing opportunity here. Her age group was right at the cusp of integration. She likely went to school only with those that looked like her. Maybe you should try a civil conversation touching on some issues that you have with her. She will either leave and never come back, or change some.

[kimbutgar]

80. Tell her yes

We are not in the cult of fox and we rely on truth and not lies to make you think and vote against her best interests. Then tell her the wet dream of repukes is to do away with social security and Medicare can she live without her social security. Scare the crap out of her.

[femmedem]

15. How about sharing your views in the same friendly vein in which she shares hers?

Maybe she'll be open to listening a bit, or maybe she'll decide she no longer wants to visit you. Most likely, she'll realize that you aren't on the same page politically, and she'll find something else to talk about when you spend time together--which will at least make that time more tolerable.

[vlyons]

17. See her as an opportunity to practice compassion.

I would tell her that I'm a proud Dem and voted for both Obama and Hillary. That if she wants to be a friendly neighbor, she can't tell you conspiracy stuff, Trump politics, or say racist and anti-immigrant stuff. If she breaks those ground rules, then you can simply say, I don't tolerate such racist comments or stupid conspiracy junk. And then turn on your heel and walk away.

You could also put out a vote for xxxx Dem sign in the front yard.

You are not responsible for how she feels; she is. Rather than you feeling trapped, try seeing her as trapped by her confused and deluded mind. If she only listens to Fox News, she may not know some of the crimes that Trump committed. So if we she starts in on Trump talk, you can say stuff like, "I don't respect a man who has sex with a porn star, while his wife is at home with a new baby. I don't respect a man, who cheats his employees and hired contractors out of their wages. I don't respect a man, who demonizes immigrants, while bringing in immigrants to work at his hotels and resorts. I don't respect a man, who brags about creating jobs in America, while he sells ties and hats made in China."

[C-SPAN4me]

19. Try the "It's not you, It's me" tactic

Be upfront that it's not your intention to offend her, but you need to let her know, very suscinctly, what your beliefs are. Give a few concrete examples of how some of the things she has said seem to conflict with those beliefs.

Then decide whether you truly don't want to interact at all, or unless some of those behaviors are less "in your face." Proceed accordingly.

Speaking from experience, sometimes it does work, often it doesn't. But I approach it from a position of self-awareness and being genuine. If the person is that way thoughtlessly, sometimes an interrupt to the RWNJ influence might actually help. If your neighbor truly is a RWNJ, well "haters gonna hate."

[samplegirl]

20. Both neighbors on either side of me

Are Republican and most of my street except for a few young couples. I try to never politics with either. But if it’s brought up...they better look out as I’m more than willing to debate any of them.

[Buckeyeblue]

21. We are kind to the trumpies around us

But we aren't particularly friendly. I'll help them change a tire, if they need help. But we probably aren't going to have a beer together. I do make exceptions if I know they won't bring up politics. I have good acquaintances (almost to the friend level) who we get together with and have a good time and never talk about religion or politics. Sort of like it was in my grandparent's generation.

[JimGinPA]

22. I'd Be Honest With Her

Let her know you're not comfortable with racism or RW talking points.

[Butterflylady]

31. Got to agree

It's hard to be truthful because you don't want to be rude or cause bad feelings, however, I've learned after 72 years of not always being truthful, that telling it the way it is is always the best.

[Horse with no Name]

23. If you can't dig a deep enough hole

Do what I do. Ignore them.

[dlk]

24. Strongly Affirm You Democratic Views and Refuse to Engage in Any Arguments

Then smile, wish her a good day, and walk away.

[Ilsa]

26. Tell her you're a Democrat, would like to be her friend,

but that means you will not discuss politics with her, and that you're gone if she says anything racist. I'd rather she spent time in company of decent people like you rather than go hang out with the other trumpers. Live by example, if you can tolerate her.

[Socal31]

27. I'd go the passive-aggressive route if being direct is not in the cards.

Invite over a non-traditional couple for dinner (LGBT, interracial, etc) that is in on the plan* Either the septuagenarian will acquire at least some tolerance to the real world outside of FAUX, or she will be so mortified, you'll never hear from her again.


*making it clear that I am not suggesting to use anyone as a prop

[Demovictory9]

70. Have Obama memorabilia everwhere. Refrig magnets, bobble heads,

a nicely framed photo.

[SkipG]

28. Tell her...

you read somewhere that when folks of her generation grew up it wasn't good manners generally to discuss politics or religion with casual acquaintances, neighbors, etc., and that some of the old ways seem best. Then you should apply a little introspection and figure out how to talk to people with whom you don't agree on everything.

[stonecutter357]

33. if vote for a racists pos you are a racists pos !

[fairlynancy]

34. Build a giant fence.

Keeps the RW racists rapists out.

[marble falls]

49. Maybe put the fence around them?

[lamp_shade]

35. My response to any trumper who wants to talk politics???

I have no trouble discussing politics with reasonable, intelligent people... but when it comes to trump-humpers I make it clear that "I only discuss politics with people who totally agree with me." The reaction I get is usually dead silence and confused looks.

[Different Drummer]

83. This. Definitely!

[lpbk2713]

87. Faux parrots are ignorant.

They will echo anything they heard on Faux whether it is true, reasonable, logical or not.

Most often not. All they need to know is they heard it on Faux.

[FireandIce59]

36. Just my 2 cents

The way I look at this is either you be honest with her or you are going to spend your time trying to avoid her and still feel trapped.
Being honest with her is not being rude in my opinion, and whether she takes offense or not is her issue not yours.

Being up front with her about how you feel about the situation is the best approach as I see it. Letting it drag on can cause a lot of misunderstanding and hostility in the long run. This does not mean that you can't help her out in a time of need. That is just being a good human being.

[forgotmylogin]

37. Since she wants attention, train her the same way you would a dog.

When she says racist stuff or political crap, leave her presence without a word. Walk away if you can, or just clam up and stop responding as if she's disappeared. Every time. Keep doing that.

Let her figure out what the trigger for you ghosting her is. If she wants you as a friend, she'll learn to not do that.

[smirkymonkey]

38. Build a giant moat around your property.

Keep the drawbridge up.

[Laffy Kat]

52. Maybe add some alligators just to be sure? nt

[dawg day]

39. I'd lightly say, "You know, I voted for Hillary. And Obama. And Kerry. And Gore."

Laugh and say, "All that politics you're talking? You don't want to talk it to me. I'm a Democrat and a liberal, ha ha! I'm not the one you want to talk to."

Keep it light, friendly, but whenever she says anything you don't like-- anything, laugh lightly and say, "Now, Millie, remember, I told you I'm a liberal. You know I don't want to hear that."

If she says something objectionable-- "Hey, you know I'm a liberal. I told you. That's the sort of thing I object to."

Point is, you'll be polite, you'll be honest, and you'll even be friendly, but if at every conversation, you remind her, I think very soon she will be grumbling about how you're just one of those liberals and she doesn't want to talk to you.

It's not like she's got some big political blog and is going to dox you. The only way she can "punish" you is deprive you of her presence. Just keep up the "You know I'm a liberal" for a week, and I bet that will alienate her nicely.
I do that with my aunt. Of course, we are family and have to see each other, but she has completely stopped repeating Fox News memes with me, and if she says one bit of praise for Trump, she looks at me guiltily and says, "I know, I know. You don't want to hear it."

[Drahthaardogs]

46. I disagree.

Not mean, but not light. You tell them what a monster you think he is, and you don't support it.

[Voltaire2]

40. Tell her why you don't really want to be friends.

[NickB79]

41. Plant an Osage orange hedge

[Blue_true]

61. Yikes. nt

[LBM20]

43. SIMPLE. Just say "We don't agree on politics so best to avoid that issue." If she presses, END

ALL CONTACT WITH HER. Period!

[highplainsdem]

44. I'd call her on this, but politely. "Do you know that sounds bigoted? Do you really want to sound

bigoted? Do you really think that's fair to people of that race or ethnic group?"

Tell her, honestly, that it makes you uncomfortable to listen to comments that sound bigoted. That you don't want to get into an argument, but you wouldn't want anyone thinking you're a bigot for listening silently.

In fact, it might be best to start with telling her that her remarks make you uncomfortable.

And if you know what her ancestry is, there's a pretty good chance you can find examples from US history of HER ancestors being treated like unwelcome outsiders.

I'd also mention any discrimination your own ancestors ran into.

[Drahthaardogs]

45. You need to tell her that if you are going to hang out

She needs to stop. You tell her that Trump is a monster. A womanizer, a man who mocks handicapped people, and a tax cheater.

You tell her that you find his morals in direct conflict with your own, and that if she can excuse that behavior for a tax cut, or whatever....fine, but she needs to quit rubbing your nose in it.

He's a monster and you don't care what his policies are, you don't make a deal with the devil.

[lunatica]

47. Make a show of having Mexicans and other ethnic people over to your house

Even if it’s a Mexican gardener make sure you are seen chatting with them in a friendly way. Then be sure to tell her how much you love Mexican food, mariachis and how polite and friendly they are.

Tell her how you love traveling to Mexico on vacation.

If she wants to have an argument about it just be nice about telling her you think she’s wrong. Chances are she’ll be quite open to your opinion because you won’t put her on the defensive. Plus, she’ll understand you disagree with her without prejudice.

[eleny]

48. When she gets into the "racial crap" stop her in her tracks

Gently tell her that you don't use that kind of language and she's not to use it around you.

Unless she immediately agrees repeat your request a little more firmly. Tell her you like her and you expect her to respect you.

A gentle but firm approach signals that there's no other option. Then she can decide if she wants to continue being chummy.

If you live in a neighborhood where yard signs are okay I'd put one out for a Dem candidate. That's a signal that speaks for how you see life in general. Then when you have to have a talk with her she might not be surprised. Having MSNBC on the tv if she comes into your house is also a signal.

Good luck! It's a dilemma when you want to keep good relations in a cul-de-sac. But you can do this.

[Omaha Steve]

50. THIS

[eleny]

51. Hey, Steve - thanks!

[librechik]

54. respond to her politely with the facts--soon she won't want you around anymore.

they can't take the truth.It's like acid to the skin.

[ismnotwasm]

55. Just be blunt

Older people are fully responsible adults. We have a lot of discussion on this board about agism and such. Being a cute little old lady—even a lonely one—doesn’t earn you a bigot pass. No need to be cruel. I did this with my own Mom, and not only she does she not say racist shit in front of me, she also changed the way she thinks a bit.

[Polybius]

57. Politics aside, I'm no fan of talkers unless we both want to be mutual friends

Last edited Sun Oct 7, 2018, 03:47 PM - Edit history (1)

I've been living here for 15 years and I couldn't even tell you the names of my neighbors across the street. A similar situation is when I'm on the express bus. I always seem to get someone who's a talker next to me, when I just want to relax.

[Cattledog]

58. Put up a sign of a Dem. running in your area.

See if she is still friendly.

[Downtown Hound]

64. I have a friend that I've known since I was 13

I'm 42 now. He became a huge Trump supporter and started posting really vile shit on FB, including things like liberals might need to be dealt with violently. I cut him out of my life, and made sure he knew why.

I'm not going to lie. It was hard. I still have pain over it. It's made even worse because he still tries to reach out to me from time to time to see if we can still be friends. I basically tell him no.

It may sound harsh, and the truth is, it is. But my belief is they are never going to let go of this path of hate that they've chosen unless we make it so uncomfortable and painful for them that they have no choice but the adapt. We're long past the point of trying to reason with them. They don't listen to reason. They don't listen to facts. They're ruled by lies and emotion. Calm, rational debate doesn't sway them. Making them suffer and isolating them socially does. It's time for resistance, and resistance means doing things that make you uncomfortable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I would flat out tell her that you do not want to socialize with anybody that supports the hatred, corruption, and treason of the Trump administration. It's not an easy thing to do, and she will probably get very angry. But I don't see any other way to make them change. We need to let them know there are consequences for supporting hate, and social isolation and shunning should be one of them.

If we continually let them get away with it and they never experience any consequences, they are never going to change. I swore I will not be friends with any Trump supporters. I expect better of those I choose to have in my social circle.

[llmart]

67. You say you don't want to be friends with her.

That's your perogative. You can be polite to neighbors but you have every right to choose who you're friends with. I live in a mostly senior community and our houses are close together. I have a friend in this community but it was my choice to strike up a friendship with her. I don't need to be friends with everyone, especially those I have zero in common with. Just living in the same neighborhood is not enough to feel I now have something in common with them. I deal with it by smiling and saying hello and nice weather, etc. and then walking away. I'm always pleasant and congenial but I don't take it any further if I know enough about that person to realize I don't want them in my life.

Some of these people already know that I'd be the first one to help them if they needed it, because I've done that in spite of knowing they are conservative. But above that, I don't have to socialize with them.

[marybourg]

89. I agree with this. I would add, given that she's already

expecting to have a protracted conversation, after the “hello” and the “how are you doing”, gently excuse yourself, claiming that you need to do something and leave the area, or retreat back behind your door and close it. Do this every time. You have no big investment in her, so there’s no point in trying to change her or offend her. Of course, as a good person, you should continue to be ready to help her in an emergency.

[ooky]

68. Pretty sure someone who is a Trumptard and into RW conspiracy theories

wouldn't want to keep talking to me after the first conversation, and I would not have to insult her. She just wouldn't like my leftist world view. So my advice is just talk about Trump and what nonsense RW conspiracy theories are, the same as you talk about those things with us, and that problem should take care of itself.

[Demovictory9]

69. place Obama hillary stuff all over your living room. then invite her over

she'll probably back away from the relationship

[Codeine]

71. I've never interacted with a neighbor

with more than a friendly nod in pretty much my entire life. Neighbors are just strangers who live close, and I’m completely happy to have nothing whatsoever to do with any of them for the remainder of my life, be they Trumpers or hard lefties.

The idea that my neighbors would want to eat dinner with me or have my phone number is mind-boggling, but I’m assuming I must be an outlier in this one. For me Hell is most assuredly other people.

[KT2000]

72. first of all

please do not allow yourself to feel trapped by her. When she suggests dinner or dog play dates, say you are busy. If she calls to see if you are OK, say everything is fine and you have to go because you are busy with something. If you are in the yard and she comes over, say you have to do something in the house and leave. Keep everything short and always say no to her social invites.

If she pushes it, say you and she have different outlooks and they aren't really compatible. Tell her she would enjoy the company of others who have her outlook.

Here's the thing - people who watch fox are so amped on the adrenalin of hate from what they just saw, they look for others to get angry with. I have a neighbor like that. You will notice, they talk and you are supposed to listen or you are supposed to share their anger. They are not thinking of your feelings, just their own - unhealthy relationship!

Whatever you do - do not get trapped. If nothing else works - be rude. RWers impose of the kindness and manners of others to hold the floor.

[enid602]

73. What I do

Do what I do. Tell her that trump’s Deficit is up to $1trill this year, and that doesn’t even take into acct his massive tax cut for the richest 15000 people. The deficit should double next year. Tell her that even if he doesn’t drastically cot SD and Medicare, the inflation resulting from such deficits will make SS and Medicare worthless. Tell her that trump’s bosses want to get rid of SS and Medicare.

[struggle4progress]

74. Be nice; be low key; and please don't feed her crazy demons

[DemocratSinceBirth]

76. I re-read it.

If she's a racist you need to let her know you find racism deplorable and she is free to bask in her racism but not with you and your wife.

[greymattermom]

77. Tell her you're worried about a few things.

They will have to raised taxes to build a lot of new schools.
Folks will not be able to get health care and will die at home.
Old folks will be thrown out of nursing homes when medicaid is reduced.
Farmers will be bankrupt because the price of soy beans has crashed.
There will be more beggars on the street.

You know, just include some that might be local to you.

[Vinca]

79. I had a similar problem with a woman who wanted to be buddies with me.

I don't think she's a Trumper, but she's someone I'm not interested in being friendly with. One day, after she accosted me in the grocery store parking lot about going out for coffee, I just told her I was very busy and didn't have time for any kind of relationship. It was a lie, of course, but it seemed to do the trick and was nicer than saying I just didn't want to be her friend. I'd just tell the woman to her face as nicely as you can, but don't be afraid to call out racism.

[janterry]

81. I think you know what you want to do

If it were me, I'd continue to be nice and stop over now and again. I'd also send over cookies.

I would change the subject if she said things I didn't like. She's a little old lady, lonely and a neighbor. Anyway, that's what I would do.

but it sounds like you want to just tell her that you don't want to be friendly (you can't take a middle approach with an elderly neighbor - especially someone who wants to be nice to you).

So, if you want no contact, I'd tell her. I don't think that you can do that (or even a middle ground approach) without her interpreting it as rude. I just don't think there is middle ground.

Good luck.

[Bluesaph]

82. I think he said he doesn't want to be friends

So Shred, if you just want to be hi and bye neighbors, I would do just that. Wave and go inside. I don’t particularly like making friends with my neighbors either since we live in a right wing area. So I don’t walk over to them at all. I just smile and wave and keep on moving.

If anyone comes to me while I’m outdoors I’m not rude but I do cut it short.

[SHRED]

86. That's it

She really doesn't talk politics so I probably shouldn't have mentioned that.
She does call my wife up to do things and has been told no thanks but still persists.

[sunonmars]

84. Just tell, i bet she wouldn't think twice about doing it to you.

[elfin]

88. I just put up a LOT of yard signs and smile and wave

In interpersonal contacts, I smile and say we'd better stay away from politics or we might not have the friendship about other things we enjoy.

Then ask about something about their pet or flowers etc. and share something congenial from your household before giving a wave bye-bye.

I am old, and a Trumper neighbor has come to my aid more than once, even knowing I am a liberal. But then, they have not proactively exhibited overt racism etc., which would cause me to ignore them completely.

Cheerful Passive Aggressive is my modus operandi nowadays. Probably because selfishly I may need their help for downed tree limbs, lost pet etc. So be it.