General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsNot just females
This Kavanaugh situation has triggered and brought to the surface anger from my personal experience inflicted 41 years ago by another male.
Link to tweet
hlthe2b
(102,282 posts)Only by sharing can those who've not experienced it, nor educated themselves on the issues, begin to "get it".
Pachamama
(16,887 posts)So sorry that happened to you Shred...it is terrifying and it stays with you forever as you know.
We need to do something in our society to stop this horror and to make sure that perps know that they will be held accountable and for victims to be able to feel safe and come forward and not be ashamed or terrified to speak out.
What is happening this last week has been triggering my memories and I have been filled with anxiety and very upset and angry and feeling fearful for the future if this continues and someone like Kavanaugh is on Scotus and if assholes like Grassley, Orrin Hatch etc. continue to be the ones in the Senate that lead the way protecting someone like Kavanaugh and attacking and victimizing all victims.
And then a Potus who is a sexual assaulter....
I hope you've healed for the most part.
I think I have because it wasn't severe.
Nonetheless it was extremely terrifying and it does stay with me. I remember the scene vividly.
Pachamama
(16,887 posts)....triggered it for me and brought it all back up - anxiety, not able to sleep well, even drinking each night to calm my nerves because I am so anxious. (and I don't drink except for the occasional couple of glasses of wine with dinner out weekly).
What you said about remembering the scene vividly - THAT is what every victim remembers. Even if there are certain aspects blurred out....certain things are vivid....like the face of the person....images of what was around you at that moment....the terror...
You can't forget. Every victim knows that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is telling the truth.....
librechik
(30,674 posts)Trump is an insensitive oaf.
librechik
(30,674 posts)unfortunately.
OhNo-Really
(3,985 posts)I had nightmares frequently for years, and 40 years later still have an occassional nightmare.
I never trusted again.
rurallib
(62,416 posts)He apparently had done this many times before because he had set up a scenario where no one was around but him and me.
I was able to get away, but as a "friend" of my parents he stalked me for another year before he gave up.
I have written of this on this board before.
I told my parents and they accused me of all sorts of lies etc. Therefore I said nothing more.
it was 57 years ago. The perp was accused of several other attempts according to the SNAP website.
And no I never forgot about it. There was a forever distrust going both ways with my parents.
Every time stories like this come up, the memories and anger return.
SHRED
(28,136 posts)And compounded by your parents.
rurallib
(62,416 posts)and my parents were big into the church
Samspadesnark
(75 posts)It just makes me wonder: is that the real reason why they love to perform weddings and baptize infants 'oh, lookie, we've got even more victims on the way!!'??????? This is literally predatory behavior.
I am so sorry for you that he breached this barrier, and doubly sorry that you could not share this with your own parents. This is heart-breaking, both for you and for everyone else who suffered at this kind of damage and loss at the hands of those highly trusted by their own family. Hugs.
mercuryblues
(14,532 posts)in my most cynical moments, that is the reason many are so anti-choice and anti birth control. They need to keep their victim pool full.
True Blue American
(17,984 posts)Of going to a Catholic Funeral.
The little Alter boy was terrified of the Priest. I watched the Priest be very angry when that boy was a little slow. I felt so cold in that Church and it was not very cold.
Later I read a Priest in that Church had molested many boys. I can not say he was one of them but saw how mean he was to that boy. I told the story before the news came out about the Priest.
True Blue American
(17,984 posts)Support of your parents at a time like that. That had to leave more scars.
Really sorry. I wish I could choke those Priests.
Guilded Lilly
(5,591 posts)The dialogues MUST continue for all.
Time does not heal many wounds.
mopinko
(70,112 posts)it was my son who was raped, by a boy on our block. it took him 15 years to tell me.
i wanted him to file charges. i remember when it happened, because it caused a big rift on the block.
i remember a tag on a garage door that said- joel is a fag.
i knew it was my son's handwriting.
i didnt ask him about it. my very large shame.
but he wouldnt file charges.
i ended up buying the building where it happened. not knowing.
his sister lived in that apartment for 4 years.
thank god i didnt let the family move back in.
he didnt want to tell anyone else, but i told those that love him. i was hesitant, but they had to know.
yes, it has fucked w his head. he suffered w debilitating depression for 10 years in silence.
he is finally in therapy.
he is healing, but he will never be the person he should have been. he will never get those 10 years back.
mercuryblues
(14,532 posts)reason it infuriates me when people say why should (insert perps name here) have to suffer for a "mistake" they made. When judges give out slaps on the wrist because he seems like such a nice guy. When people ask where was that teacher when I was in school? After a boy comes forward.
I have been reading this for the last bit. I think it may be of interest to you. You can decide if you want to share it with your son and/or with his therapist.
Now the way I try to explain this in presentations is I notice many of you are taking notes of this presentation, and many of you I see have full-size notes or sort of decent-sized legal pads. What if I told you that you had to take your notes on today's presentations on little teeny post-it notes like this size or maybe this size? You might get this size, or maybe you'll be fortunate and you'll actually get up to this size. And I want you to write down everything that you know and have learned in this presentation on post-it notes of different sizes. And they're all small. They're all little tiny pieces. I want you to write down what you know. And on something like this you might get a couple of words. On something like this you might get a small sketch, but it's going to be in lots of teeny tiny pieces. And let's just also pretend these are different colors some are pink, some are yellow, and some are blue.
Now, I want you to take all of the post-it notes where you've so carefully tried to write down what you've learned in this talk. I want you to put them all in your hands, and I want you to imagine the messiest desk ever. Maybe it is your desk. Maybe it's your colleague's desk. I want you to take that pile of precious post-it notes, and I want you to scatter them all over that desk. I want you to put them up high. I want you to put them up low. I want you to put them in folders that have nothing to do with this talk. I want you to crinkle some of them up and shove them under things. I want you to take one and wad it up and put it in the pencil case. And then I want you to walk away for 24 hours, and then I want you to go back in and I want you to stand before that world's messiest desk and I want you to find all of those post-it notes. And I want you to put them in the correct order, and then I want you to tell me right back what you learned in my presentation.
That's why memory can be slow and difficult because the encoding and the consolidation went down in a fragmented way. It went down on little tiny post-it notes and they were put in all different places in the mind. And you have to sort through all of it, and it's not well-organized, because remember I told you to put some of them in folders that had nothing to do with this. I told you to put one in the pencil jar. It's not where it's supposed to be. It takes a while to find all the pieces and put them together. So that's why victims, when they're trying to talk about this assault, it comes out slow and difficult.
But the question everybody wants to know about is the accuracy of that information, okay. And what we know from the research is that the laying down of that memory is accurate and the recall of it is accurate. So what gets written on the post-it notes accurate. The storage of it is disorganized and fragmented.
However, there is an exception alcohol. If the victim was under the influence of alcohol at the time of the assault, the encoding process might not have happened at all or in any degree of accuracy. I think in a group of this size all 21 and over, we can appreciate that alcohol impairs encoding across the board not just for traumatic events, for a lot of events. So if you have a traumatic event that occurred under the context of alcohol, the information might not have been encoded, and it may not be consolidated, and it may not be transferred into long-term memory. So for victims who are assaulted under the influence of alcohol, they may not have anything to retrieve. So to speak, their post-it notes are just blank. They may not have it, okay? But for those who are able to remember it, either in pieces and parts, it does go in accurately, it does come out accurately, but it comes out slow, steady,fragmented and disorganized.
https://nij.gov/multimedia/presenter/presenter-campbell/pages/presenter-campbell-transcript.aspx
ZeroSomeBrains
(638 posts)That sounds horrific. Stay strong and don't blame yourself for the actions of another who was in the wrong.
Adrahil
(13,340 posts)I was sexually assaulted by two older boys when I was a child (7-11 years old). I was raped by the older buy (he was in his late tens).
I never told anyone until I told my wife 30 years later. I wasn't sure I'd ever publicly talk about it, but It's time. I've let stuff out in ribs and drabs. But I think people HAVE to know this stuff happens and that it is USUAL to not tell other people. I was ashamed. I thought that it must be somehow my fault. That I had "sinned."
But this must stop. and we must not doubt victims just because they did not tell anyone at the time.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)I was raped too.
Just understand that it was a power thing for them. They overpowered you, and the odds are they did it to many others throughout their lives. They only do this to people who are smaller and weaker. They are bullies and sociopaths. The victims of such people are never to blame. Never.
And you are not a victim person. You were and are a person who was victimizes by bullies just because they could.
I and everyone who comes forward with these stories, including you are brave to do so.
NastyRiffraff
(12,448 posts)I know it was terrifying. And you never completely get over it, although I hope you've had some healing. Men and women share a bond of terrible experiences. This kind of thing must stop.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)It stays with you for life. Every rape or attempted rape victim believes they will be killed. Unfortunately many victims are killed during a rape.
Not enough is written about that part.