White Man Hopes to Land Job Without Background Check

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A fifty-three-year-old white man from Washington, D.C., is hoping to land a six-figure job for life without being subjected to a thorough background check, the man confirmed on Tuesday.

The man, Brett Kavanaugh, said that he was “pretty chill” about his upcoming job interview because he had been assured that “anything super damaging” had been removed from his H.R. file.

“There’s some stuff in my past—especially, like, from the nineties—that would be kind of heinous if anyone looked into it,” Kavanaugh said. “Fortunately, I know someone in H.R. and he took, like, a hundred thousand pages out of my file.”

The Washington native said that he had been assured that his job interview would be led by a group of other white men who “won’t ask me anything too hard.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/white-man-hopes-to-land-job-without-background-check?mbid=nl_Borowitz%20090418&CNDID=25394153&utm_source=Silverpop&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Borowitz%20090418&utm_content=&spMailingID=14185346&spUserID=MTMzMTgyNjg0NzM5S0&spJobID=1480276104&spReportId=MTQ4MDI3NjEwNAS2

[unblock]

1. Sometimes satire is biting; sometimes it just bites.

Too close to the truth....

[Dave Starsky]

2. Even gallows humor has its limits.

Normally, I would find this hilarious. But I just can't take it anymore. Satire is dead, and this cadre of goblins in control of our government has killed it.

[unblock]

3. there's some quote about farce being the death of satire....

the onion still manages somehow, but it's increasingly difficult these days....

[erronis]

7. So, now the truth is farce, the rants are noise, the gods must be crazy.

Couldn't figure out how to end my subject line without this ever-truthful statement.

[Gothmog]

4. I love good satire

[dalton99a]

5. Spot on.

[treestar]

6. only too true

Satire is starting to more or less be true.

[Honeycombe8]

8. Well, he's had background checks, I'm sure. Just not what you mean. Good point. nt

[calimary]

9. Andy Borowitz!!!

[Shoonra]

10. I feel sorry for Kavanaugh

It may not be Kavanaugh's fault that the Trump White House is holding back (or claiming to be holding back) about 2 tons of paper on him. And that the Democrats are making him dangle in the wind while they fight over this - not withstanding that none of them actually intends to read all 2 tons of paper.

[tblue37]

11. I don't feel sorry at all. He knows that Merrick Garland was denied a hearing, and that he

was a responsible bipartisan choice. If he (or Gorsuch) had any decency, any character, they would refuse to accept such a tainted nomination for a stolen SCOTUS seat.

He is being dishonest, too, of course.

[tblue37]

12. They have people to read the details and bring them "executive summaries" and to highlight

important stuff.