If you were the president when Trump goes to his final toasty warm reward,
what would your obligatory statement say?
Here's a scenario. It's February of 2021, and a Democrat has been elected President. Trump resigned in 2019 amid multiple scandals and was promptly pardoned by Mike Pence, who, like Gerald Ford in 1976, was soundly trounced in the 2020 election. Trump is still being charged with crimes in several states, but he has been allowed to remain under house arrest at Mar-a-Lago and his Florida golf resort until his trials.
The new president is working hard in the Oval Office, signing a huge pile of executive orders to try to undo some of Trump's disasters. The Chief of Staff enters, stage left:
COS: Mr./Ms. President! Trump is dead!
POTUS: Seriously? (They fist-bump) Did the KFC finally catch up with him?
COS: No. He was playing golf like always, and you know his golf course has this big water hazard, and there was an alligator, and...
POTUS: No shit? Is anything left?
COS: Just a few tiny fingers and some hair. The butt cheeks went first.
POTUS: So the lying in state thing isn't an option.
COS: Not really.
POTUS: I hope the alligator will be OK. See to it that it's captured and brought to the National Zoo. It should have a place of honor in its own pond.
COS: I'll take care of it.
POTUS: I suppose I'll have to issue a statement and have the flags lowered to half-staff. Protocol, you know.
COS: Yes. By the way, the Russian flag in front of their embassy is already at half-staff.
POTUS: That figures. What should we say?
COS: How about, "The nation mourns..."
POTUS: "Mourns"? Who the hell is mourning?
COS: We can't very well say "rejoices," can we?
POTUS: I guess not. Can we say something like, "The nation will never see the likes of Donald J. Trump again"?
COS: That's a good start. You might add, "He was unique in the annals of American presidents."
POTUS: That's good. Thoughts and prayers to his family, I suppose?
COS: Yeah, I guess. We could even have the warden hand-deliver some personal sympathy cards to them.
POTUS: What about Melania?
COS: She's holding up quite well, I've been told.
POTUS: What about funeral services?
COS: Well, like I said, there obviously can't be a lying in state. Also, the dean of the National Cathedral is worried about the building being struck by lightning so it can't be there. Most of the family is in prison or on trial, but maybe Rudy Giuliani can throw something together.
POTUS: Well, that's that. I have to sign some more of these orders. Check on the alligator right away, won't you?
= new reply since forum marked as read
...for the alligator. 
Well done... k&r
for the fun read!
I wouldn't mind the rejoicing!!!!
love it! The alligator twist is perfect, he belongs in a swamp with the reptiles...as their poop.
My statement would be just the facts:
