BREAKING: In wake of Cohen raid, Sarah reads a NEW letter from 9 year old Dylan, A.K.A. "Pickle"

[Miles Archer]

NO LINK YET...BREAKING NEWS.

Dear President Trump,

Hi, this is your friend Dylan, but as always, you can call me Pickle! My mom told me you are in a "pickle" of your own and I am so sad that I had to write to you again and remind you of how much I love you. I hate it when people make you sad. I told my mom that I wanted to start a Website where all I do is say nice things about you, every day! She told me there is already a Website like that called "Fox." If that's true, I have found the Website I have always dreamed about and will never go outside to play again. I just want to sit with my iPad all day long and read about what you had for lunch and laugh, laugh, at the funny names you have for people. Could you give me a funny name like "Little Pickle?" Please don't call me "Lyin' Pickle," though, because I tell the truth all the time, just like you!

My mom told me that you are in big trouble because of a "porn star" and a "playmate." I don't know what a "porn star" is and my mom won't tell me because she said I am too young to know. All she would tell me is that when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they lay down and take a nap and that makes a baby, and porn stars are like that, but instead of love, they tell everyone mean things about laying down and taking a nap with you, and that sometimes there is a baby, and sometimes there isn't. Did you have a baby? I hope so! That means one more Trump in the world to even make it greater again! I know what a playmate is. I have lots of them, except I am mad at Mark Gersbach, because the other day after science class he gave me a wedgie and stole my lunch money. I bet no one gives you wedgies because you are the president! Do you give the people who work for you wedgies? Because if you did, I'll bet they would thank you for it! I didn't thank Mark for mine, though, because I felt uncomfortable sitting during math class after that.

My mom said some very bad men went to your friend's office and stole his very important papers. Can you fire these bad men? Can you have them arrested? I know I would! She said that you said that your friend is a good man! I used my iPad to look up a video of him and his "So What!" video is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Every time he said "So What!" I took a sip of Bosco! But then I watched the video 10 more times and had drank so much Bosco I could not stop pooping.

I hope the bad men who were mean to you are punished. When I am bad, my mom won't let me watch "Big Bang Theory" for a whole WEEK! But now I am going to be extra careful because if she said I couldn't watch FOX for a week, I don't KNOW what I would do!

President Trump, I love you THIS MUCH! Enclosed please find a photo of me with my arms stretched as far and wide as they will go. But I am only 9 years old and don't have big arms like you, so it really doesn't show how MUCH I love you. Our hands are about the same size, though.

I love you and will love you through all eight years of you being president, and hopefully more after that!

Love,

Pickle

[Eliot Rosewater]

1. Like Ricky Gervais, STephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington once discussed

"Did the first people to hear "in a pickle" in a Shakespeare play knew what it meant?"

And nobody would ever use that phrase, would they:

"Hey police, two armed robbers are about to shoot me, I'm in a pickle"

[underpants]

2. and porn stars are like that,

[louis-t]

3. Great stuff.

[Hamlette]

4. I didn't see the "so what" video but I loved the "says who" when he was told Trump was down in polls

funny stuff

[Miles Archer]

5. That was sort of another piece of the satire

It would make sense for a nine year old kid, especially one who is so impressed with Trump, to get over-excited and call it the "So What" video.