Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company's Success Is Not Paying For Customers' Medical Care

[Zorro]

HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care.

“The secret to running a thriving multi-billion-dollar company like Aetna is in the cultivation of a loyal consumer base whose medical needs you rarely, if ever, pay for,” said Bertolini, who went on to advise young entrepreneurs to first build financial reserves through a business model in which subscribers spend an exorbitant amount each month for prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures, and then preserve their capital by exercising all due diligence and consistency by never paying for expensive, profit-deflating exigencies such as prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures.

“If you want broad profit margins in today’s constricted marketplace, all you need to do is find a market which you can offer absolutely nothing while taking all of your customers’ money. That describes today’s modern health insurance market to an uncanny degree—In 2017, our largest customer-facing expense was advertising.”

At press time, Aetna’s stock value rose by 6 percent as the company announced a premium hike.

https://www.theonion.com/health-insurance-ceo-reveals-key-to-company-s-success-i-1823515696

It's The Onion, folks.

[BigmanPigman]

1. Thank you for making it clear that it is from The Onion.

I never notice that and get all worked up at first.

[CurtEastPoint]

2. I figured it was on the level. Bloodsucking leeches. Burn in hell.

[wryter2000]

3. You can't tell the Onion from reality these days

My favorite headline so far, "The Onion gives up."

[dflprincess]

4. Many years ago The Onion had an article about UnitedHealth Group deciding to do something new -

it would start paying claims!

It quoted then UHG CEO, Doctor William McGuire as saying, "Sure out customers will have to pay more, but they'll do it because most people think their health is important."

I was working at UHG at the time and the Onion article spread through the company email like wildfire - followed by "official" emails threatening dire consequences for anyone who forwarded the story.

And, let me tell, you nothing makes a person believe in single payer faster than working at UHG - and I was in an area that really didn't have anything directly to do with the insurance or claims.

[backtoblue]

5. Curses I didn't realize it was the onion til the end!

Not so far-fetched