BREAKING: Kelly tells press Kushner's focus to shift from peace in Middle East to peace in Midwest

[Miles Archer]

BREAKING...no link yet.

WASHINGTON DC: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly informed the press this morning that effective immediately, Jared Kushner's role in the Trump administration would be changing.

"Jared has made some outstanding contributions to this administration, and to every freedom-loving American," Kelly told reporters. "But due to the ever-changing nature of our world, as well as the bold, decisive, and innovative leadership of President Trump, we are beginning a new initiative with Jared fully at the helm...Peace In The Midwest."

Kushner will be in charge of restoring unity to Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Ohio, and Wisconsin. His agenda includes a rigorous schedule of church suppers, yard sales, and open mic nights at local coffee houses.

When asked if Kushner's new assignment reflected the White House's reluctance to grant Kushner with full security clearance, Kelly scoffed at the notion. "Don't be ridiculous. Jared is both secure and clear. So clear that I can see right through him."

Ivanka Trump could not be reached for comment.

Developing...

[Botany]

1. And Kushner is qualified for his, "Peace In The Midwest" job how?

BTW I was taken in by this hoax.

Kushner will be in charge of restoring unity to Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Ohio, and Wisconsin. His agenda includes a rigorous schedule of church suppers, yard sales, and open mic nights at local coffee houses.

[turnitup]

15. oh it's a hoax lol

you had me there

[rainin]

2. Another job he's singularly unqualified for.

He could try to establish peace in the WH and move up from there. Spending time taming criminals might prepare him for his future among convicts.

[Ohiogal]

3. The only job

This treasonous asshole is qualified for is making license plates in a prison somewhere.

[Corgigal]

4. If that includes just

begging Saudi for funding, all day, every day. With our intelligence briefings as bait. Well, then, yes..yes he is.

Still going broke, mastermind.

[MineralMan]

5. Nicely done!

[Cracklin Charlie]

6. Nooooooo!

I have to move.

[Grammy23]

7. Well, I was about to say I am safe....

But then I remembered tRump’s favorite hideout is Mar-a-Lago. Is there no safe space from these people? At least where I live is often forgotten. Even map makers have left us off of Florida maps from time to time. Some locals refer to us as LA. Lower Alabama. I think Bama got screwed in that deal.

[Tommy_Carcetti]

8. You have a talent for biting satire, my friend.

[Miles Archer]

14. Thank you Tommy

[underpants]

9. F the team up North! GO BUCKEYES!!!

Very funny.

[comradebillyboy]

10. MTV's "Celebrity Death Match" would be the perfect arena for the

Kushner-Kelly feud to play out.

[crazycatlady]

11. He'd have to start using the midwest's term for a sweet carbonated beverage

[PDittie]

12. I smell Onion

[Miles Archer]

13. I wrote it

[PDittie]

17. You should be writing for the Onion!

[NastyRiffraff]

16. He's not qualified for that job, either

He may be qualified as a barista at one of the coffee houses, but that's debatable.

Well played, Miles!