J.K. Rowling's Sean Hannity and the Phantom Jizz Painting
Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo.
(As always, the post, with news links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/j-k-rowlings-sean-hannity-phantom-jizz-painting/)
The entire planet was rocked by the news of Israeli police recommending Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be charged with bribery and fraud.
Wow. That seems important.
BUT, the really BIG story of the day involved Sean Hannity seeing imaginary spunk on Barack Obama's forehead, but on the save-the-best-for-last principle, you'll have to wait until the end of tonight's blog for that shit.
Watching the fallout from this Rob Porter thing reveals all you need to know about the ethical standards of the Clown Car Full of Rectums currently squatting in the White House, doesn't it?
Step One: Hire a Creep credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives.
Step Two: Learn from the FBI that because of said domestic violence accusations, said Creep is ineligible for a security clearance.
Step Three: Keep Creep around, give him access to classified information anyway.
Step Four: Juuuuuust when you're about to promote Creep, get caught with your pants down.
Step Five: Defend creep as Best Dude You Ever Met in Your Whole Life, Seriously He's Like if Gandhi and John Wayne Had a Kid, We Would Never Oh Shit is That a Picture of Her Black Eye After He Punched Her in the Face? Um.
Step Six: Pretend you acted swiftly and decisively, like nobody can scroll up to the news from literally six hours earlier.
Step Seven: Instead of just apologizing for HIRING A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER, tell useless, easily-disproven lie after useless, easily-disproven lie. Hang around waiting for the lies to unravel, one after the other.
Steph Eight: ...PROFIT! If by "profit" you mean "send the last tattered remnants of a four star general's reputation through the wood chipper like Steve Buscemi's last leg."
If all this isn't somehow fucked enough, I guess you sprinkle on some The President Won't Even Condemn Domestic Violence and in Fact Flees Reporters Who Ask Him To, just for seasoning.
Anyway, it sure was fun to have Christopher Wray trot out today to testify under oath that the whole Shart House spin was nothing but a fat sack of horse manure.
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, bless her shriveled raisin of a heart, there's just no lie too ridiculously large for her to dispense with a condescending sneer. If there were an American Idol for Bullshit, she'd win every year 'till the sun went cold.
Speaking of Wray, the IC leadership also testified that Russia had so much fun attacking our elections in 2016, they just can't wait to do it again this year. But don't worry, there's absolutely no plan on the table to stop them, we haven't even enforced sanctions on them for what they've already done, oh, and the President still doesn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place.
Betsy DeVos hasn't made headlines for a few weeks, so you may find yourself wondering, "Hey Cap, is Betsy DeVos still trash?"
I am here to inform you that yes, Virginia, Betsy DeVos remains trash of the rankest order. Seems Betsy checked in with her God, the one who decreed she should be Education Secretary despite never working a day in her life and knowing fuckall about education, and it told her to rescind civil rights protections from transgender students.
Well, it's a victory for bullies everywhere, if nothing else. But yeah, isn't it fun being governed by an administration moving backwards on civil rights? I bet Betsy and Jeff Sessions enjoy many a self-congratulatory sweet tea break, toasting their efforts, making the world safe for the White and Mediocre.
If it makes anybody feel better, even Ted Cruz has started tremblin' at the thought of the pending Blue Tsunami awaiting the sad coalition of grifters, klansmen, and collaborators we call the Republican Party. Yes, Ted, we will indeed "crawl over broken glass" to vote you fuckers out. History's gonna need a bigger dustbin, we've got so many treasonous fuckheads to sweep away. (Hey. Give Ted's Democratic opponent, Beto O'Rourke, some cash, okay?)
Boy howdy, Scott Pruitt sure does like pissing away taxpayer money on first-class flights! 90 grand over just a few days in June! Scotty Boy likes to say he's just taking appropriate security precautions, because he imagines he's constantly beset upon by hostile forces who know what he gets up to in that soundproof booth he had built...with taxpayer money.
Pennsylvania Republicans, ordered by their state Supreme Court to redraw their cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, submitted a slightly different cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, and Governor Tom Wolf told them they could gerrymander their bullshit map straight up their asses all the way to the small intestine if they wanted, so now the Court will commission a non-partisan map.
And three of Cartoon Cowboy/Former Sheriff David Clarke's employees face charges over that little kerfuffle where they TORTURED A HUMAN BEING TO DEATH BY REFUSING HIM ACCESS TO WATER. I wonder if you put "Featured Speaker at Republican Convention" higher on your resume than "Dehydration Murderer?"
The Marmalade Shartcannon dropped his budget, and now that he's cut his own taxes by a billion dollars or so, there's just no money left for the chumps known collectively as "the American People." Massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security? Aw, you rubes didn't actually BELIEVE him when he promised he wouldn't do that, didja?
But the real highlight is Mick Mulvaney's plan to retool food stamps. The idea is to replace a chunk of the recipient's SNAP benefits with a box full of styrofoam peanuts, ketchup packets, and unsold Ivanka-branded bath products, y'know...for seasoning.
There's a certain type of Republican, cut from the Ryan/Mulvaney cloth, that lives their life in a state of perpetual rage that there are poor people in this country who get to spend any amount of time, however briefly, experiencing any emotion more pleasant than abject torment. There's a word for that, and that word is Sociopath.
At any rate, the idea of the government that can't get the fucking power back on in Puerto Rico opening up a nationwide food distribution service sure is...optimistic.
Meanwhile, the America Furst President filled 143 of 144 seasonal positions at three of his properties with foreign guest workers, because, and let me shout this to the cheap seats in the back, HE HOLDS WORKING CLASS AMERICAN CITIZENS IN DISDAIN.
So I guess we're supposed to give the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, the benefit of the doubt on this whole "Anglo-American" thing. Ok, fine. I guess we'll just have to rely on the decades of well-documented open racism.
Again, this is the dude who was too racist for the 80's. Jeff Sessions has been a famous bigot longer than I've been a multi-celled organism.
Well, Tennessee Senator Bob Corker was all set to retire and enjoy the fruits of the last-minute kickback he finagled into the GOP tax bill, but word on street is he's considering un-retiring, as internal GOP polling shows ex-Governor Phil Bredesen defeating Trumpist Loon Marsha Blackburn in the general.
I'm told this entails a fair amount of groveling, and it couldn't happen to a nicer invertebrate. Well, it'd be fun watching him and Blackburn tear each other apart in a brutal primary, but one way or another, YOU should donate to Bredesen so we can take back the Senate, yes?
Hey, if there are any typos in tonight's post, it's because I'm still quaking with laughter over this Elle profile of Mrs. Mnuchbag herself, Louise Linton. The Bride of the Foreclosure King figured she could use a little image-rehabbin', but her interviewer (and my new hero), Carrie Battan, just gives her ample space for petard-hoistin' instead. My favorite bit is how she went out of her way to help a homeless man....'s dog.
Anyway, Mitch McConnell says the Senate has one week (and one Senate Week means Three Actual Human Days) to work out an immigration bill before he moves on to other business...presumably meaning the important work of naming post offices and confirming ghost hunters to lifetime federal judgeships. Seems fair.
Piers Morgan and Omarosa are feuding, I guess? Man, fuck that. I'm not linking that shit. You wanna read it, Google it your own damn self.
What's this, now? Michael "Sez Hoo" Cohen is falling on a sword for his Processed Cheese Boss? Mikey says HE paid Stormy Daniels that $130,000 payoff, out of his own pocket, for...reasons!
Well, shit, Mike. You sure put THAT little controversy to rest. Nice work!
Anyway, we flipped another ruby-red seat tonight, this time in Florida. Blue Wave! Woo! That seems like a good note to sign off on, so -
Oh hell, I almost forgot the biggest story of the day! Nay, year! Nay, dare I say...the millennium?
Yes, Sean Hannity's descent into gibbering madness is going just swimmingly, thanks for asking. He did a little tweeting about the SECRET SPERM in President Obama's freshly-unveiled official portrait, before retiring to the study to chew his own toes off.
Yes, Obama is HIDING SPOOJ IN HIS PAINTING, just one last desecration of America on his way out the door! I'll bet his Presidential library'll just be a brothel with no water fountains white people are allowed to use, right Sean?
For real, how far fucking gone do you have to be to see PHANTOM JIZZ in a painting? This is one of the media figures the fucking President of the United States listens to over his actual intelligence community, by the way. Sleep tight.
Jesus fuck. Ok, campers, I'm out for the night. But a special prize to the first reader who finds the seven hidden sperm cells in tonight's post!
Oh, and thank you, folks, for all the Valentine's Hearts! I love ya right back!
= new reply since forum marked as read
what in the fuckin wha - and of course, it’s
THEFERRET!!!
in advance!!
PERFECT.
I don’t know how you keep your stamina at such peak levels night after night, TF, but thank the holy gods you do!!!
Thankewwww!!
OH NO YOU DIDN'T 
big laugh at the ugly news.. it's amazing how it's so much easier to take when you're laughing. 
or I'll scream! Excellent recap and total gold on the secret sperm!!!
to turn another ruby red house district in Florida blue. 
