Trump Considering Firing Dow Jones Industrial Average (Borowitz)

[Stonepounder]

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-considering-firing-dow-jones-industrial-average

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After watching it suffer its worst losses since he became President, Donald Trump is “seriously considering” firing the Dow Jones industrial Average, aides have confirmed.
According to the aides, Trump is “furious” at the D.J.I.A. for going down so precipitously and believes that it has treated him “very unfairly.”

“Increasingly, the President has become convinced that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is not on his team,” one aide said. “Seeing the negative Dow numbers in the corner of the TV screen has been wrecking eleven hours of every day for him.”

Reportedly, Trump is mulling replacing the Dow with a new system, in which Sarah Huckabee Sanders would appear every day at 4 p.m. to announce how high stocks had skyrocketed.

En route to an appearance in Ohio, Trump stopped short of saying that he would ask for the stock market index’s resignation, but his contempt for the Dow was palpable. “The Dow Jones Industrial Average is a disgrace, and it should be very, very ashamed of itself,” he said.

[thbobby]

1. Put Nunes on it

The Dow Jones is clearly part of the deep state conspiracy. Nunes could write a four page memo revealing how the deep state is colluding with investors just to make trump look bad.

[Rorey]

2. Do we have definitive proof that it voted for him?

I guess he forgot to get its pledge of loyalty too.

[orangecrush]

3. K&R

sorry I duped this.

[eppur_se_muova]

4. Dow Jones is a very stable genius ! The best ! nt

[IronLionZion]

5. Dow Jones emailed with Hillary and the Russians

and maybe even the New England Patriots in Benghazi. Fire them all!

[PatSeg]

6. "The Dow Jones Industrial Average

is a disgrace, and it should be very, very ashamed of itself."

[elmac]

7. Making shorting stocks great again

[dalton99a]

8. Perfect.

[JDC]

9. Super funny.

11 hours a day....