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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsSteven Seagal has written a novel about a Mexican-Arab-Obama conspiracy. Foreword by Joe Arpaio.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/i-read-steven-seagalE28099s-insane-novel-so-you-donE28099t-have-to/The Deep State, as the preface explains through leading questions, is a shadowy cabal of bureaucrats, spies, politicians, bankers, journalists, professors, judges, doctors (?), and other powerful people who are responsible for everything from drug smuggling to fake news to "child exploitation (pedophilia)," all in the name of oppressing the masses.
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Our hero is John Nan Tan Gode, a "Ghost Warrior known as a 'Shadow Wolf.'" We know that a Shadow Wolf is an elite Native American tracker so in tune with nature that they're essentially magic, because John is introduced to us while sitting alone in a movie theater watching a documentary about Shadow Wolves.
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John is a tribal police officer in Arizona (there's a real but unrelated non-magical ICE unit also called the Shadow Wolves) who is concerned about "billionaire drug lords" and "the 'Other Than Mexicans' ... assembling for what America had never known before -- a jihadi caliphate." Every other interchangeable Shadow Wolf we meet shares his views.
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John's always the smartest, toughest, coolest person in the room. When people punch John, it hurts them more than him. He knows every form of martial arts. John calls people assholes and then congratulates himself on how witty he is.
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At one point, John convinces a U.S. marshal to help him by insisting that he's a patriot who wants to keep the spirit of the American Revolution alive, because his Mohawk ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War. (The Mohawk fought for the British to defend their land from "patriots."
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John talks to some coyotes. Coyote chat allows John to discover a dead body and a Mexican-Arab-Obama conspiracy. That's right, President Obama. Gasp!
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John's investigation involves chases, shootouts, interrogations, and other theoretically dramatic moments that are written with all the passion of a bank statement, but every scenario plays out the same way. John gets a "gut feeling" about what's happening and what should be done. The other Shadow Wolves either agree with his plan or eventually fall in line after it's explained that John's gut is always right, so he never has to explain his logic. John has so many gut feelings that he should look into what is clearly the early stages of stomach cancer. At one point, his gut helps him resolve a hostage situation, and the chapter smugly ends with "All lives matter. Do they not?"
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John's elite investigative skills eventually lead him to randomly stumble across a key piece of evidence that was left for him in a coffeemaker. That's declared a brilliant hiding spot, because John has the rare personality trait of liking coffee. Then his mentor, who also happens to secretly be a high-ranking intelligence agent, gives a lecture on the entire plot that he knew about all along, rendering most of the book pointless.
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In Seagal's world, every random cop and soldier knows and accepts that the government uses "crisis actors" to fake mass shootings, but only the evil authorities know that some crisis actors are secretly terrorists.
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Luckily, the cartel-jihadist-doctors throw a raging party on the eve of the attack, during which they smoke hashish, listen to "Arabic music," and have women who, cover your eyes children, kiss multiple men. John and his team infiltrate the party, kill most of the baddies, then torture the head villain for information. That info is used to mostly stop the attacks. Then we're informed that the American people elected a new president who, in the part of the story that requires the greatest suspension of disbelief, is "stronger and smarter."
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Seagal and Morrissey invented a bunch of magical Indians who love to taunt, kill, and commit war crimes against the enemies of Real America using their ancient spirit powers. And the only thing the good races and the evil races can agree on is the ugly, nihilistic belief that America "brought upon themselves their own destruction by their naive concept of justice and fairness."
The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,719 posts)and will be taught in schools for the next hundred years.
Soon to be a minor, self-funded motion picture.
Kirk Lover
(3,608 posts)Ah yes....the Mexican Arab connection, it's been right there this whole time.
DetlefK
(16,423 posts)leftyladyfrommo
(18,868 posts)unblock
(52,243 posts)i can die happy now.
dalton99a
(81,513 posts)Baitball Blogger
(46,723 posts)Guy Whitey Corngood
(26,501 posts)lpbk2713
(42,757 posts)So he has to put his acting down on paper so the reader can let their imagination wander.
Yavin4
(35,441 posts)Remember those letter puzzles where you circle words? This book is chock full of racist dog whistles.
Tommy_Carcetti
(43,182 posts)BSdetect
(8,998 posts)Orsino
(37,428 posts)What he has done is to license his name to a hack who wants to try to sell paper to the rubes who read.
dembotoz
(16,806 posts)Initech
(100,079 posts)It will clean up big at the Razzies!
RockaFowler
(7,429 posts)I'm so confused about this
Oh and did Little Stevie leave Russia yet??
IluvPitties
(3,181 posts)nolabear
(41,984 posts)Theyre either madness on the hoof or some VERY entertaining satire. And there are 60 of them. So I dont think this will start a revolution.
Btw you can be certain Tim Morrissey did the writing part.
Guy Whitey Corngood
(26,501 posts)Last edited Fri Feb 2, 2018, 02:54 PM - Edit history (1)
nolabear
(41,984 posts)Fuckweasel will get you reviewed every time!
Guy Whitey Corngood
(26,501 posts)lot of effort in my reviews.
DBoon
(22,366 posts)President Vladimir V. Putin personally handed over the actors new Russian passport on Friday in a scene at the Kremlin that was considerably more muted than those in Mr. Seagals movies. The actor sat across a table from the Russian leader in Moscow, his arms folded or, at times, his hands clasped in a gesture of thanks.
After the Russian leader presented him with the document, Mr. Seagal signed it, according to the Russian news agency TASS and other news outlets.
Mr. Putin told Mr. Seagal, according to TASS, that the two would not politicize the event. But the Russian leader, who has said he hoped for better ties with the United States after the election of Donald J. Trump, was also quoted as telling Mr. Seagal: I would like to congratulate you, and I also hope that this small step will mark the beginning of the gradual improvement in our interstate relations.
Hortensis
(58,785 posts)career, so no surprised I missed this too.
But line he spoke as he too the new Russian passport Putin was handing him, "I will never, ever falter"? Is that from one of his movies or acceptance of a mission, or both? (That nonsense for those who can be fooled all the time about improving relationships seems more than slightly unlikely.)
Thomas Hurt
(13,903 posts)Remember you can't be special unless everyone is out to get you!
world wide wally
(21,744 posts)Trump or Putin?
Tarc
(10,476 posts)Along the lines of
"Sarah Palin has opened a dictionary"
"Donald Trump's favorite movie is "Machete""
"Ben Carson said words that mean something"
and so on.
BoneyardDem
(1,202 posts)Turbineguy
(37,337 posts)Wing-nuts are the most gullible idiots on the planet. Even suicide bombers have a higher standard of believing nonsense.
TlalocW
(15,383 posts)That the further to the right someone is, there's a group to the left that's still conservative but just not as conservative to believe the crazy stuff the group to the right does. And being republicans, they see an opportunity to make some money by exploiting that group's irrationality (usually an irrational fear) either monetarily or by getting them riled up to do some kind of action.
That's how we got the tea party. Group A, fiscal conservatives, needed Group B, nutjobs, to support giving up their healthcare, wages, job security, etc. so they preyed on their fears on immigrants, etc.
TlalocW
spanone
(135,842 posts)Hey Steve....
Solly Mack
(90,769 posts)Act_of_Reparation
(9,116 posts)His ghostwriter, credited on the cover for some reason, did.
Oh, and putting a picture of yourself on the cover of your novel? Totes classy.
TlalocW
(15,383 posts)"Hmmm...," thinks Seagal, "Let's make him double-cool by also calling him a Shadow Wolf. Awwwwww, yeah."
TlalocW
Initech
(100,079 posts)JHB
(37,160 posts)...politically masturbating Mary-Sue fiction.
nolabear
(41,984 posts)Because if not thats some outstanding misuse of mythology right there. Heck if he IS its outstanding misuse of mythology.
Vinca
(50,276 posts)I imagine his writing is as bad as his acting.
redwitch
(14,944 posts)He really has zero talent doesnt he?
redwitch
(14,944 posts)mnmoderatedem
(3,728 posts)who knew?
onethatcares
(16,168 posts)now we're going to have to deal with chuck norris novelettes and it will never stop.
SDJay
(1,089 posts)without envisioning this:
maxrandb
(15,330 posts)OnDoutside
(19,960 posts)Hassler
(3,379 posts)He'll do whatever his puppet master tells him or else the incriminating sex tapes will be released.