Memo Williams: The Adventure Begins (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather.
"Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down." (And feel free to poke around on Cap's site, with links: http://showercapblog.com/memo-williams-adventure-begins/)
What's this? The nomination of widely-respected North Korea expert Victor Cha as Ambassador to South Korea was withdrawn because Cha is a CUCK who isn't down with the idea of launching a preemptive strike on the nuclear-armed nutjobs in the Kim Jong-un regime?
"Never mind, Cap. This does indeed seem to be flaming batshit dropping from a colony of bats that are also on fire. Carry on."
Let's see. I last checked in on Monday night, right when the House Intelligence Committee voted to release Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes' famous memo on how to extract maximum sexual gratification from the act of copulating with a pig. Or maybe it was about the FBI or something, I don't always pay super-close attention to these things.
Anyhow. By Tuesday, Speaker Ryan was casually chatting about "cleansing" the FBI, which, in this zany new world where we nervously monitor our government for signs of fascism, lands closer to "This is your doctor, you need to get back to me right away" than "Let's go to Build-A-Bear Workshop" on the Comforting Things to Hear Scale.
I see Mike Pompeo invited some Russian spymasters, one of whom is supposed to be a sanctions target, (Remember when laws mattered? Those were fun times.) over, probably to ask if they needed any help interfering in our midterms. I'm sure they availed themselves of the generous Classified Intelligence Buffet during their visit.
Speaking of Russia, Treasury was supposed to compile a list of Russian officials and oligarchs tied to the Putin regime, to be considered for potential sanctioning. Instead, because everyone in this entire fucking administration seems to have a religious objection to ever working at all, they just copied a Rich Russian Folks list from FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE.
...I suppose we should be grateful they didn't just copy and paste from the James Bond Wiki.
So, somebody dug up an old recording of Scott Pruitt saying "Donald Trump would wipe his ass with the Constitution and then miss the bowl and just leave the shit-covered Constitution there in the corner to get pissed on all day and then the night shift guy would have to pick it up."
Confronted with the old quote, Pruitt became glassy-eyed, intoning, "Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life," because ass-kissing is the currency of choice in the halls of power these days.
A Missouri GOP Senate candidate got caught espousing the sort of ideals regarding women's rights that would place him deep in the regressive right wing of any Cro-Magnon cave. ("Him like Neanderthal Tom Cotton," said Trurg, a community member who spends his days trying to beat fish to death with a club, "Me no like."
No, I'm not repeating myself. This is a DIFFERENT Missouri GOP Senate candidate. It's like Claire McCaskill has been seeding her Show-Me State rivals with damaged clones grown from Todd Akin's back hair.
And yeah, the State of the Union speech happened. Orange Julius Caesar lied a whole bunch, said a bunch of hateful ignorant shit, and then demanded to be hailed as some sort of historic unifying figure.
Mostly he was just boring. He ran out of steam pretty quickly, because the strain of, y'know, READING ALOUD FOR AN HOUR was just too much for a sloppy old man up way past his bedtime, especially when the hair-tonic-derived hallucinations started kicking in.
Of course he claimed it was the most-watched State of the Union of all time, and of course it wasn't. But it WAS the squintiest and the droniest, so congratulations, You Shouty Colon Tumor, You.
Republicans seem to believe they've hit some sort of political goldmine in the Congressional Black Caucus refusing to stand and clap for Boss Shart's horseshit line about black unemployment, (you've seen the fact-checking by now, I assume) like African-American voters are gonna find themselves inside the voting booth going, "Well, there's Trump's decades-long history of unapologetic racism, including his refusal to condemn white supremacists RIGHT AFTER ONE OF THEM COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERRORISM...but John Lewis didn't clap that one time, so MAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders thinks Nancy Pelosi should smile more. "Grimacing is MY thing, Nancy! If you start condescendingly lying to cover up for a cheap authoritarian goon's assaults American democracy, I'm getting a copyright lawyer," growled the Discourteous SHS.
Oh, and one of Shartboy's most dedicated congressional henchmen brought an actual Holocaust denier as his official guest, after appearing on InfoWars a few days back. The future of the GOP is...clear, if not quite bright.
But that Kennedy kid gave a nice little speech, didn't he? I liked the way he painted the Democrat Party as the Not Evil One.
Wandering through the Meth Country Wonderland we call "the news," we find the head of the CDC had to resign...because she bought stock in a tobacco company while heading an agency dedicated to public health. It's these little world-building details that make life under Dolt45 so authentically horrifying.
Let's check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What've you got for us tonight, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hmmmmmm...well, I suppose we could talk about the "reverse abortion" thing.
Cap: Wh-what?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, didn't you hear about that one? The Office of Refugee Resettlement official who tried to force a totally unproven "abortion reversing" treatment on an undocumented teen in custody?
Cap: Bill, I don't think I can -
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: The teen was a rape victim, did I mention that?
Cap: JESUS. BILL.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: These are the people running the country, Cap. Trying to conduct medical experiments on teenage rape victims. And all in the name of God, no doubt.
Cap: Alright Bill, we're going to get back to the merely-terrifying news. I'm sure we'll see you sooner than we'd like.
Remember when the Pennsylvania Supreme Court told the GOP they had to redraw their ridiculously-gerrymandered congressional district map? Well, the President Pro Tempore of the Pennsylvania Senate, apparently a graduate of the Roy Moore School of Law & Milkshake Shack, said "You can shove your constitutional checks and balances where the light of justice don't shine!" before locking himself in his office, crafting a makeshift suit of armor from tinfoil and Amazon delivery boxes, topped with a Steelers helmet he bought as a gift but decided to keep, and screaming "I AM THE ONLY LAW!"
Foreign Policy tells us the Shart House dispatched Kellyanne Conway of all people to mop up the "shithole countries" fallout with a group of ambassadors from African nations. Kellyanne helpfully offered an Alternative Fact where her boss referred to their nations not as "shitholes" but "cherished allies, desirable tourist destinations, and who knows perhaps even future golf course locations?"
...I suppose better Conway than Stephen Miller.
Looks like we won't have Gowdy Doody to kick around anymore. Yes, Trey, who has grown listless since his plan to spend four years nipping at President Hillary Clinton's heels fell apart, will retire at the end of his term. Aides say he's taken to spending entire afternoons absentmindedly flipping through notebooks full of disingenuous Benghazi remarks he'd brainstormed, enough to last all the way through 2020.
Seriously though, Gowdy has apparently grown tired of increasingly negative partisan politics, a phenomenon he's had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with*.
Alright, I guess I have to talk about the MEMO now. For like, 72 paragraphs. Devin Nunes, you have ruined my whole fucking night.
Where to start?
Once upon a time, there was a Pigfucker. Named Devin. Devin lived in a magical realm called Up Donald Trump's Ass. Pigfucker Devin would do anything to protect his homeland, anything at all. The trouble is, Devin was, in addition to being a Fucker of Pigs, also a Man With the Intelligence of a Melon Baller.
Devin woke in a fever one night, overcome with inspiration, and said aloud "I shall write a memo. A Memo! Yes, a Memo for the Ages!" He was so pleased with himself that he jostled awake the Red Wattle hog he picked up at the bar by the butcher shop, and fucked it again.
"The Memo can say whatever I like," reasoned Devin. "I'll say there's a massive deep-state conspiracy against the President, that there's nothing to the Russia investigation at all, and Bob Mueller's acting out of jealousy because he can't figure out how to tie his neckties that long!"
"And the best part is, no one will DARE contradict me, because I'm the one with the MEMO!"
...not the brightest lad, our Devin.
Needless to say, like a heist film scripted by a mudskipper, Devin's plan has encountered some obstacles. Adam Schiff drafted his own counter-memo. FBI Director Christopher Wray has threatened a rebuttal of his own, perhaps also in Memo form, if he feels like keeping with the prevailing conventions.
Nunes responded by doctoring his Memo without resubmitting it to his Congressional Committee, which is really quite illegal, but that feels nitpicky here, doesn't it? And the White House kicked it back to Devin and his lackeys, who will probably dump it out with the rest of the Friday news garbage, because suddenly folks're starting to realize that Devin has a half-chewed wad of cud for a brain, and they're not looking at a smoking gun, but rather a mostly-eaten animal cracker which kinda sorta looks like a gun if you hold it just right.
It's like the Butter Battle Book, only with Memos.
But the Candycorn Skidmark clings to the hope that he's finally found his get-out-of-jail-free card, because he's apparently been getting advice from Sean Freakin' Hannity. Splendid.
I suppose I should mention that FBI Agent Peter Strzok, the dude whose text messages are supposed to prove this whole Deep State Conspiracy Against All Things Spray-Tanned and Perpetually Golfing theory, actually co-wrote the first draft of the letter James Comey would eventually use to FUCK UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN PLANET, THANKS FOR THAT, JIMBO, about reopening the Clinton server investigation because of ANTHONY WEINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOD I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HIS FUCKING NAME WITHOUT FLYING INTO A RAGE.
I keep pinching myself, but no, this is still real life. Goddammit.
Ok, I need something to cheer myself up. Ooooooo, this'll do:
Has allegedly untouchable Drumpf shadow Hope Hicks finally stepped in a bear trap? Could be, could be. Former Team Shart legal spokesman Mark Corallo allegedly plans to tell The Bobadook that young Hope got in on some of that hot justice-obstructin' action in the heady days of desperately-trying-to-craft-a-plausible-lie-about-Junior's-Trump-Tower-meeting-with-the-Russkies.
Because we can't escape the Lovecraftian horror of 21st Century America even in comedy, Jimmy Kimmel scrapped the bottom of the MAGA outhouse to bring some genuinely horrible humans** to belch up their ignorant hatred all over a DREAMer. Stop telling me I have an obligation to reach out to, or empathize with, people who're this warped with rage. We all get one life. These folks got it wrong. Fuck 'em.
Oh hey, you remember back when Shart Garfunkel's Labor Department said, "Y'know what would make America splendiferoulsy Great Again? If restaurant owners could steal tips from servers!" Well, it turns out they actively suppressed a study that said hard working servers would lose billions to their employers who would shockingly take advantage of being allowed to steal tips by stealing tips.
The ethics crew over at HUD tapped Dr. Ben Carson on the shoulder to say "Hey, you should maybe stop letting your son tag along on all this official business, it looks kinda grifty, y'know," and Carson patted them on the head and said, "Ethics, how quaint. I think I shall use your offices to store grain."
At the GOP retreat today, President Crotchvoid thanked Orrin Hatch for talking about how much better than Lincoln and Washington he is, and we all got embarrassment shivers observing the symbiotic relationship between the Sycophant and the Guy Who Constantly Radiates "Daddy Never Loved Me Please Fill the Void in My Rusted-Over Soul."
Oh, and That Guy Who Was Manafort's Sidekick or Something and Got Indicted at the Same Time and Probably Has a Name of His Own But I Don't Give a Fuck? His legal team up and quit but their reasons for doing so are sealed and everybody thinks he's got a new team working out a deal with Mueller because he doesn't want to die in jail or something. Fun!
Ok, I'm out for the night...I've got a...MEMO to work on...
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAH. Hoo.
** Well. Human-shaped, at any rate.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thank you for not abandoning us during our dreadful time of need, TF!!
(I shall have this episode for breakfast!)
your brilliant take on nunes. 
Priceless.
Thanks, Ferret
Always fun too!
Now where is my therapy pig. I need a BLT. NOW!!!!
R&
Yours would be better than anyone's!
Thank You, as always, for the wonderful frothy prose!
