I finally read "Cat Person." If you haven't, you should. It quite good about

[tblue37]

the myriad ways in which a date & sexual encounter can go wrong because of disparate hopes & expectations, compounded by self delusion, romantic fantasies, and misreading of signals.

Besides, "everyone" is using it now as a baseline for discussion, so it's a good idea to be aware of the reference, I think.

Here's a link:

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person?reload=true

[PoliticAverse]

1. Do note that it is under a "fiction" label but the author says it was...

Last edited Wed Jan 17, 2018, 12:59 AM - Edit history (1)

"inspired by a nasty encounter online".

New Yorker magazine interview with the author:
https://www.newyorker.com/books/this-week-in-fiction/fiction-this-week-kristen-roupenian-2017-12-11

New York Times interview with the author:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/11/books/cat-person-new-yorker.html

[tblue37]

2. The date/sex details, though, are based on "decades'" worth od experiences, not just one. nt

[KT2000]

3. so glad she wrote that

The reality of it struck me. The goldmine to me though was the ending - how honest was that fallback position! Frightening but that kind of thinking is still out there. Glad I am not young anymore.

[womanofthehills]

8. She really hit it on the nail

Many women can relate to parts of that story - I know I can.

[fairfaxvadem]

4. Thank you for posting this...

As I read it, I recognized the story personally. Happened a few times when I was in my 20s. I’d agree to date someone who was outside my “comfort” zone, usually an older man. And it was never as I imagined. I missed my friends in my own age group who were my real social life, warts and all. Many of whom I’d known since grade school, others not. But I’d convinced myself I needed to broaden my dating horizons. After a few of these dates, I stopped and reconsidered who I was comfortable with and why.

For me, this story is simply about getting to know yourself when making these choices. And for me, these experiences at least told me what I didn’t want. None of them were bad men. All treated me very well. And sure, they had their own expectations of me. And that’s okay. But on reflection, I went on these dates pretty ignorant. Not their fault.

What I learned? “Dating” isn’t something you have to do after a certain point in your life (if ever, but don’t tell that to a 20-something). If I meet someone I really feel comfortable with, fine. See how it goes. If that little voice comes back or I try to convince myself because I haven’t had a date in a while, forget it.

Of course, you never know when you take a chance, we’ve all seen great outcomes. But the expectations game is a real one and it does take some experience to manage it. I couldn’t at 20-something.

[misanthrope]

6. The better litmus test isn't what happens on those solitary "dates"

The way to know whether to pursue a relationship with someone or not is for both of you to spend time with each other's friends. Have them join you and your pals for get togethers and vice versa. You can unpack a lot more about each other that way.

[fairfaxvadem]

7. I completely agree...

Which was my inarticulate point about missing my friends when choosing to go out on these dates. It was clear to me that these men would really never fit in my world, but it took me a few times to understand that and what was important to me. Just part of growing up and getting to know yourself better.

Now, I have a few friends who did end up with someone who would never fit in with “the gang,” not that that should be the determining factor. But these few friends did have to make a lot of effort to avoid social situations when they made that choice. In the long run, it really hasn’t mattered. The rest of us just learned to manage our expectations of seeing these friends socially and accepting their choices. Not our lives and as long as they’re happy, that’s all that matters.

I, for one, decided a long time ago I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t hang with the pals, even if nowadays we only get together a few times a year. Life changes for all of us regardless.

[misanthrope]

5. I found it dismal and utterly depressing

It made me glad my single years were decades back and even more grateful my wife and I met some 22 years ago.