Coping with divorce without hating your ex...

[comtec]

I guess this is what I wanted and need to talk about.

I'm divorced.
I moved back to the states from my home in The Netherlands in mid October.
I am currently in the Tundra of Minnesota.
My ex flew her boyfriend in from texas Dec 1st.
I was gone 6 weeks and she HAD to have him.

I'm trying not to hate her.
I'm trying not to hate women... dear god it's hard.
I don't WANT to hate her, to be angry with her... I spent 12 years of my life with her.
she was everything to me. My love, my life, everything important to me.
I feel betrayed.
I know I fucked up, I own my 50%
I'm afraid to get into another relationship, tho I dearly need someone to hold who will let me cry.
oh gods all the crying i've done.
I dont know how to feel about myself, as a person.
I feel like a complete failure as a man.
I failed in the ONE thing a man is supposed to succeed in.... a family.

We tried for two years, after my job was obviously going to work out, we tried to conceive.
We went to a fertility clinic to start seeing what was wrong.
in some ways i with it was me, that I was shooting blanks... but it's not.

I wonder if she left me partially because I wasn't able to give her a child.
We never seemed to sync on that. in 10 years, either I was interested and her not, she she and I not.
I found out later, before I moved away, she'd been having unprotected sex with others than me.
I'm guessing her boyfriend, and her local sex toy.

It's weird because i've known fully about both since the beginning.
I thought it may be better to let her have her fun, and then we'll still have each other when it matters. her boyfriend was just online... nothing to worry about, right?

well thats my rant...
i'm sorry it's so depressing. not as nice as the original post...
But i need you guys' opinions and experiences.

how do i come away from this and NOT hate?

[comtec]

1. I changed the topic >.<; old reply

as i wrote this reply to my original first topic - how were your holidays - I kinda had a break down.
I realized what I needed...
But here's my reply anyway... LOL in short they sucked.
I'm still a huge mess. but having this forum to post to means more to me than I can ever say.
A huge thanks to Skinner for this.





It may seem odd replying to my own topic, but I didn't want my experience to be in the post.

I am newly divorced.
I finally moved out of the poisonous situation with my exwife in mid October.
I spent Thanksgiving with friends, which was uber awesome, but the rest of the holidays alone.
My room mates went on a yearly trip, so i've had the house to myself (which in itself isn't bad).
But I was alone on Xmas and New years.

My ex flew her boyfriend in dec 1st, and as far as i know he's still there.

Last year I was with my family in Ca for the first time in many years.

I suppose on my en the holidays are all relative.
IF im working a proper corporate job, they are nice. In the US we would get Thanksgiving and the day after off, in Europe you get the 25th AND 26th (boxing day) off. as well as new years (hangover day)
Since it was just me an my wife, we were pretty silly about gifts and when we'd give each other one.
Since holland has Sinter Klaus in late november to dec 5, most of the kids' gifts are done then.

We never got a tree.
But I remember as a Kid going out tree shopping with my dad.
We would go out and find a nice tree, then return and start decorating it.
Sometimes mom'd come with us. I remember going out as a family during the days and just "window shopping" at the trees. I remember it as a nice time, when I got to be with my parents.
When they divorced, they'd alternate who would get me over the holiday. Mom n Dad were very civil, and I never had the feeling that I was a thing to be possessed over. they both had my interests at heart, and i'll always be grateful for that.

My exwife is also being civil.
She's doing what she does, and passively resisting me, but otherwise not being cruel, which I appreciate as I have spent the entire time back healing.

I suppose this is a bit silly and ranty.
But cathartic.
For me the holidays are about family, and loosing mine - i dearly miss my dog - and being too ashamed to return to my parents...it's been difficult.
but 2010 seems to have been an amazingly bad year for everyone.

[brendan120678]

2. Pretty good, but not very relaxing...

with a newborn and a 2-year old.

Also...glad to finally have this forum here!!
Thanks for your persistence in getting it created.

[comtec]

3. sorry about the topic shift...

after I posted, i had a micro breakdown...

I am happy to hear about your holidays going well :)

I admit I got used to Sinter Klaus, and seeing the kids light up... it makes everything else peripheral.
I'm going to miss those times with my nephews, watching them grow up...

[lumberjack_jeff]

4. There was an interesting article on that in Newsweek.

http://www.familygoesstrong.com/walkaway-wife-syndrome-0?obref=outloud&obref=obnetwork

The upshot is that, like you, divorce often catches men by surprise.

But for the grace of God, go I.

Everyone is colored by their own experiences. Not every woman is like your ex-wife. Not every woman is like your mom. Anger is perfectly natural, but the relationship you described was not healthy. It's only one data-point.

That was an infirm foundation for a family. It could be worse, you could be on the hook for (someone else's) child support.

The list of friends who have found happiness in their second marriage is long. In retrospect, they usually describe their first marriage as a learning experience to allow them to be better prepared when the right one actually did come along.

My only advice is a clean break. There are no good reasons to talk to her except to arrange for getting your stuff.

[comtec]

7. that's... a disturbingly accurate article

At first my thought was, reflexively, "Oh the fems are gonna scream about this being sexist"... but then i read on... and damned if it wasn't almost exactly a reflection of my marriage.

Tho i've known for a while there were issues.
I guess... what frustrated me most was I would work on changing, id try to move closer to where she was, but she wouldn't move at all.

I had to do all the changing, like I was behind, and not trying to cope with living in a radically different culture, stressful job, and a wife who has always been a bit mysterious about what she actually wanted!

I never had time to change or evolve myself... i was always adapting =<[br />
Well shes happy to be quiet on her end unless it's about some kind of fuck up by me somehow.
She refuses to send my stuff until I file for divorce!
I admit it's not high on my list of priorities because right now it benefits us both to be "married" on paper.

I imagine she's going to do what she said she wasn't and try to marry her boyfriend and bring him over. I admit im tempted to be an asshole and drag my feet until the 3 months pass (paperless visa) but I won't. I'll file as soon as im back in California, and send it to her through the dutch consulate in SF.

If she'd be honest with me i'd actually try and accommodate her. but her... omitting facts is a major reason why we;re where we are!

Thank you, everybody.
This is really very helpful and healing.
Intellectually I knew I wasn't alone in this but... yeah...
It means a great deal to me.

[Tripod]

5. I appreciate your honesty so far.

Wow that's hard to take. I know from experience that it wont always feel like your in a tornado. Your doing the right thing about it...talking, in this case, writing. I've been divorced for 19 years now, and it still kicks my ass once in a while. I believed in the fairy tails that my fucked-up parents where reading to me when I was young. Good job on putting it all out there, so you might get the help you need.:)

[HereSince1628]

6. A comment on how you might come away from this and not hate...

You might consider this as a matter of how your determination of the dialectics of the problem limit both your rational and emotional choices.

Common dialectics surrounding divorce are Love vs Hate (also guilty vs not guilty, and not infrequently self judgments about being a good vs bad person). Both loving and hating require an emotional commitment to the object of affection. But must (let alone _should_) a person have have an emotional commitment to their ex?

Choosing different dialects (and I am not suggesting these are the only ones) to explore and choose between, such as Caring vs Not Caring or Holding on vs Letting go, might be helpful.

With respect to my ex I chose not caring which then made it possible to really let go. Not just of her, but I was able to let go of the stores of personally hurtful trivia that had collected and that ate at me as injustices. When I no longer cared, those things no longer had emotional power. What she had done and what she might be doing no longer mattered, they lost their ability to turn my emotions in any direction at all. I was free, and I didn't hate her or other women.

Good luck.

[westerebus]

8. Sorry to be late.

I've been divorced twice. What's the problem with being angry? Nothing. It's a normal response. So is being depressed. You happen to be human. You don't hate women. You're just really pissed at one of them. You will get over it. Not right away. It takes some time. The hardest part is behind you. Might not feel like it, but it is.

Going through a divorce is not fun. If you don't have children, it is easier. Yes things will suck while you have to deal with the legal end of things. The quicker you can agree on property, the faster it goes.

My first was fast, X said yes she committed adultery and yes to the property settlement, no counter complaint. Second X wanted everything we ever bought excluding the house but didn't ask for support and would not admit adultery, no counter complaint. First one was over in six months, the second was close to two years. Second X was involved with a family friend, who also happened to be her boss. Things got messy.

Every one I know who divorced replays the marriage looking for answers. I did. If this, then that. If I, maybe she. It can make you crazy trying to find reasons for what in the end is an accumulation of the good and the bad that all marriages have. None of us are perfect. You can ask either of my x's, living with someone with PTSD ain't easy.

I'm grateful for having married them. They each, in their own way, saved my life. And I'm a better person for having them in my life. There is an up side to divorce. Takes some time to see though.

It does get better.