Any grad school veterans/college admissions profs want to help me?

[w8liftinglady]

I love asking for favors...
Can you review my essay for grad school acceptance... the usual spelling,punctuation thing.
There were no specifics- just "Why do you want to come here?"

I'll leave specifics out.

I graduated from "A State University" with an ADN in 1987. Since that time,I have seen some fascinating examples of patient-centered care.As I look forward,I can think of no better place to expand my knowledge base than ASU.

My career has focused on the care of acutely-ill people from many walks of life. As the Assistant Head Nurse of the MICU at P-, I have seen firsthand the stress experienced by people from all walks of life when suffering an acute illness or injury. As the supervisor at K- Hospital,I have seen the effects chronic illness has on an individual and their family.As the staff nurse of the surgical-telemetry floor at B-,I have seen the effects of sudden and chronic illnesses on people of all age groups and socio-economic levels as they attempt to adapt.

My volunteer experience with the National Coalition for The Homeless and The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans has helped me see the unique needs of the homeless that exist unseen among us.It has given me insight into specific medical needs of homeless children,teenagers and mothers as they attempt to live normal lives in very unnatural circumstances. I have seen needs existing that required adaptation of the usual standards of practice to fit the special circumstances.

My personal experience as a patient has given me insight into the true concept of "Holistic Nursing". Through my series of hospitalizations,I have been able to relate to my own patients with empathy that one has to experience to understand.

These experiences have molded my desire to help those less fortunate- the uninsured,the homeless and the hopeless. I hope that with my ability as a nurse practitioner,I can expand healthcare availability to areas with limited funding and resources. My goal is to establish a free-standing preventative care and chronic care clinic for the indigent in my area. I hope to work within the framework established with a like-minded family practitioner to expand desperately needed healthcare to the majority of Texans who exist with limited resources. As Central Texas has limited public transportation,I would like to expand these clinics to serve different towns on a weekly basis.

A- State University offers an excellent Graduate Program in Nursing. I am excited at the prospect of being able to care for my current patient population while attending undergraduate and graduate school. The high standards that ASU held when I attended school in the 1980's have followed me through my career. I have great hopes that the future education will leave me equally prepared as I advance into the next level of my nursing life. Thank you for considering me for acceptance to your ADN-MSN bridge program.

[Lyric]

1. Quick and dirty copy/grammar/sentence flow edit:

I graduated from "A State University" with an ADN in 1987. Since that time, I have seen some fascinating examples of patient-centered care. As I look forward, I can think of no better place to expand my knowledge base than ASU.

My career has focused on the care of acutely-ill people from many walks of life. As the Assistant Head Nurse of the MICU at P-, I have seen firsthand the stress that an acute illness or injury can cause. As the supervisor at K- Hospital, I have seen the effects chronic illness has on an individual and their family. As the staff nurse of the surgical-telemetry floor at B-, I have seen the effects of sudden and chronic illnesses on people of all age groups and socio-economic levels as they attempt to adapt.

My volunteer experience with the National Coalition for The Homeless and The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans has helped me to understand the unique needs of the homeless that exist unseen among us. It has given me insight into specific medical needs of homeless children, teenagers, and mothers as they attempt to live normal lives in very tragic circumstances, and I have helped to implement adaptations to the usual standards of practice in order to fit those circumstances and meet those unique needs.

My personal experience as a patient has given me insight into the true concept of "Holistic Nursing". Through my series of hospitalizations, I have been able to relate to my own patients with empathy that one has to experience to understand. (Some expansion here would be a good idea. Talk about your experiences. Bring up specific examples that you found inspiring or thought-provoking.)

These experiences have molded my desire to help those less fortunate: the uninsured, the homeless, and the hopeless. I hope that with my ability as a nurse practitioner, I can expand healthcare availability to areas with limited funding and resources. My goal is to establish a free-standing preventative care and chronic care clinic for the indigent in my area. I hope to work within the framework established with a like-minded family practitioner to provide desperately-needed healthcare to the majority of Texans who are burdened with limited resources. As Central Texas has limited public transportation, I would like to expand these clinics to serve different towns on a weekly basis.

A- State University offers an excellent Graduate Program in Nursing. I am excited at the prospect of being able to care for my current patient population while attending undergraduate and graduate school. The high standards that ASU held when I attended school in the 1980's have followed me through my career. <--- This sentence is fuzzy. Rewrite for clarity. I have great hopes that further education will help me become more prepared, more competent, and with the increased skills that I need in order to better serve my patients and my community. Thank you for considering me for acceptance to your ADN-MSN bridge program.

[w8liftinglady]

3. thank you! I need all the help I can get!

[phantom power]

2. I have one suggestion...

The reviewers of these essays like to see applicants (you) who call out specific things about their graduate program in Subject X, and say "I want to attend the graduate nursing program at The Big U because your program specializes in X,Y,Z and X,Y,Z align with my personal goals for reasons P,Q,R."

So, I guess what I'm saying is, you may want to think about delving into some more specifics over and above "offers an excellent Grad program in nursing"

[w8liftinglady]

4. Thank you!I will make those changes

[Samantha]

5. Second paragraph, second and third sentences

change the phrase "an individual and their family" to individuals and their families.

Make the last sentence a stand-alone paragraph.

Tighten up on any unnecessary words throughout.

[w8liftinglady]

6. Thank you SO much!

[Lifelong Protester]

7. triple grad school threat here, and I hire people

so I think I have an eye for what 'grabs'.

I like the second paragraph, that tells me about your career experiences and what you have seen. NOW TIE THAT to why you want to go to Big U.

"These experiences have prepared me for graduate level work at Big U because I know how tough nursing can be and I want to continue. This career isn't for people who are not committed to their patients, as well as striving for excellence. I believe I have the life and career experiences to make me a good candidate for your program. I have perseverance and the conviction to take my career and learning to the next level."

(Or something like this. Maybe more punchy, but you get the idea. Sell yourself in the opening!)

Readers want to establish immediately in reading your essay or cover letter WHY you feel you are a good fit for their program or job.

Good luck!!

[Coyote_Bandit]

8. Show some attitude

Nobody really cares about your desires, hopes and goals. Anybody can claim those.

Instead, describe what obstacles you might have to overcome to succeed in this educational program. Then describe how you will use that training and what you will do with those skills given the opportunity. Show your positive attitude, determination to overcome obstacles, and vision for using the training you seek.

This is the approach I used to gain entry into a graduate program in finance - even though my standardized math scores were below the minimums required for entry into the program. I finished the program with a GPA over 3.8 and immediately went to work as an investment portfolio manager.