Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife

[The Doctor.]

WASHINGTON—Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife with a halfway decent job, benefits, and a 401(k) plan.

While al-Qaeda has long reached out to disenfranchised young men with guarantees of a heaven filled with sensual delights, sources said new enticements such as a 40-hour work week and a $37,000 starting salary with annual cost of living adjustments, make blowing one's self up in a crowded marketplace significantly more appealing to the many chronically unemployed individuals in the Muslim world.

Sources confirmed that suicide bombers are also being promised a lavish otherworldly paradise where braces for their children are covered up to $2,000 or 80 percent of the total cost by dental insurance.

"The strategy is to make these young men believe that the rewards of heaven outweigh the prospects of life on Earth," senior intelligence official Nathan Lowell said. "So you can imagine how effective it would be to promise an individ≠ual living in squalor that Allah will provide a glorious hereafter, one with gainful employment, room for advancement, and a nice little tuition reimbursement policy."...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/alqaeda-recruiting-suicide-bombers-with-promise-of,19352/?utm_source=morenews

Truth in levity.

[somone]

1. No bonuses, no vision insurance

Caveat emptor

[The Doctor.]

3. You can totally throw that in there.

But it's not really necessary. Once the terrorists know how to get what they really want, which is a stable life of backyard cookouts on weekends, vacation time, and putting their kids through college, they'll do it.

[pinboy3niner]

2. McTerrorist?

:evilgrin:

[DBoon]

4. An unpaid internship in the hereafter?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x648509

[The Doctor.]

5. Hehehe... read that too.

Sad, really. But even that would be more than many of these people have.

That's the point, of course.

[undeterred]

6. And the promise of maybe 3 or 4 relatively inexperienced young women?

Instead of the 72 virgins previously promised...

[Rex]

7. Amazing how insanity holds sway over so many people.

Scary.