What to do with homophobic relative?

[xmas74]

In the past couple of years my aunt has become very involved with a local church. (Exciting First Assembly of God in Carrollton, MO-I believe it's important to record exactly which churches encourage this behavior! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Exciting-First-Assembly-of-God/215265161864857) In the past few years she has declared bankruptcy yet had money for multiple vacations and trips with her pastor. She's on disability and is in far too much pain to work but is doing well enough to put in a number of hours a week at her church engaging in manual labor. And then there's the homophobia.

She likes to post daily about how homosexuals will be going to hell. She constantly shares quotes from a page on Facebook every day called The Truth About Homosexuality (http://www.facebook.com/truthaboutgaylifestyle). You can just guess what the links are about. When asked why she becomes confrontational and shortly after her pastor's wife begins attacking us, always ending her arguments with "I'll be praying for you."

I'm a Christian. I do my best on a day-to-day basis. I also do my best not to judge others and I try to do my best to make this world a better place for everyone, even if only through the "little things". What I'm tired of is having my personal beliefs belittled by her and then watching her guard dog (the pastor's wife) attack my family. I'm thinking about ending all contact. Would this be the wrong approach?

(And please check out the links above. Report them if you like-I have. Just don't delete them. I'll be back on tonight to reply to responses.)

[TBF]

1. I have some whack-job family members -

I don't unfriend them but I do go up to the upper right hand corner of the post and mark "hide all by this person".

None of my family or friends are billionaires, so I respect them all as fellow workers. Message boards can get heated, in person you'll be able to speak in a more civil manner when you have to. But I am not going to read that kind of drivel on a daily basis either so I mark "hide all".

Good luck!

[xmas74]

2. It's not just "hide all".

She sends the messages to you privately, she emails it all to you, etc. She's the one who is making comments about "defriending", per orders of the pastor's wife.

I feel as if she's been brainwashed by this nasty little cult.

[eShirl]

9. Tell her when she comes back to reality, she'll be welcomed. Then defriend her

and if she keeps sending messages and emails, report her account(s) for harassment and spam.

[TBF]

19. Ah, then I'd cut ties. I wouldn't be able to listen to that on a daily basis. nt

[Bluenorthwest]

11. So your choice is to ignore hate unless it is from 'the rich'?

How do you think that assists those of your 'fellow workers' who are constantly harassed by those you respect so much? Is that how you'd have dealt with other civil rights issues?
Do you keep that up when the bigots do more than talk? Do you also respect and look the other way when they pass laws against us, or come with baseball bats?
Silence = Death Knowledge = Life

[TBF]

18. Oh please - I was talking about long term friends and family that you don't really

want to cut off ties with if you don't have to.

If you are at all familiar with my posts on here (check out my journal) you know my goal is to rid this country of capitalism. It is the money that divides us the most.

Of course we should pass civil rights laws and enforce them - I was one of the few folks on DU in the past few weeks who actually approved of the death penalty in Texas when it came to executing white supremist Russell Brewer - the guy who dragged a fellow to death behind his truck. (here is that story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44613428/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/t/white-supremacist-executed-texas-dragging/#.TonKCrK3N2I).

[Initech]

40. I just don't use Facebook and avoid that crap altogether.

[roguevalley]

50. post scriptures on judgement being God's etc. and love thy

neighbor under all her bs. Do it every time. shame her.

[Kurmudgeon]

3. Best avoid her, her church is preaching Mammon and intolerance instead of Christ anyway.

The fact that she is overtly confrontational shows that someone else has control of her life before Christ.
I wish you luck and will pray for a peaceful end to this and hope this fracture in your family can be healed.
I had a friend's family broken up by a church that was too intrusive and confrontational, that is NOT what Christ taught.

[xmas74]

57. This is breaking up my family.

It's all now my fault, according to other family members.

[Major Nikon]

65. Narrowmindedness is the cause

Everything else is just a symptom or consequence of that behavior.

I can tolerate a lot of bad behavior, but I don't tolerate bigots and that includes people with whom I happen to share a common ancestry or other social connections.

And yes, I have disassociated myself from these types of people who happen to be family members. Yes, it does suck when other family members blame you, but that's a reflection on their character, not mine. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every morning. Make sure you like what you see.

[xmas74]

69. I don't like what I see right now.

I hate the fighting but I also don't feel like I've said enough. I feel as though I'm constantly told what to say and that my actions are closely monitored.

I think that things will get worse and that eventually I will have few to no attachments in my family, except for my child. I have to wonder how that happens.

[Major Nikon]

94. If you have a child, I think it's even more important to disassociate yourself from bigots

That's the reason I divorced myself from my relatives who were bigots. Nobody is born a bigot. That behavior has to be learned. I don't know of any bigots that didn't learn that behavior in childhood (perhaps there are some, I just haven't seen any). Bigotry is toxic to children and that's why I won't tolerate it.

[xmas74]

95. I know.

I just hate the thought of her having no one. I've dismissed too many people from my life over the years in order to please others, now I have very few left. All I really have is family.

If I could I'd move to another state and start all over, just the two of us.

[Major Nikon]

97. Ultimately you have to make the decision on what's best

Family ties can be very important, especially if you have no other social network. You may just want to try developing your social network outside your family right where you are. Neighbors, community organizations, co-workers, and volunteer activities are good places to start. You don't have to move to find those types of things.

[xmas74]

102. I've tried to develop more of a social network.

I live in a conservative area and the few I've made a connection with in my area were not approved of by the family. I had to listen to insults and nasty digs about them until I finally cut ties, just to keep it peaceful.

[a la izquierda]

103. It's not, so don't worry.

My husband's sister-in-law is a rabid teabagger. She slanders me to everyone who'll listen (it's a nice family, so they all listen and they're all conservative). And then people talk to me and realize she's nuts.
I've told my family 500 times that I have no intentions of trying to brainwash them or their kids. My goal in this world is not to make everyone think like me.
Luckily if there is homophobia, nobody dares utter a word around me: they know my mom and uncle are gay.

[PeaceNikki]

4. Where the fuck do these "Christians" get off thinking they can or should judge people?

Their Bible tells them that is only for their God yet they are pompous, pious, and arrogant enough to think it's their job.

Fuck those hypocrites. Also going around on FB this weekend: "Morality is doing what is right regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told regardless of what is right."

ETA: I have no advice for you other than to tell these people they are full of shit. I have learned that reasoning with them is impossible. I am not the "Idiot Whisperer".

[hfojvt]

37. so it is ok for you to judge people, but they can't?

Judging others is pretty common to human behaviour. Jesus did it. John the Baptist did it. Ezekiel did it. Etc.

The Bible does not forbid it either.

The famous quote from the sermon on the mount said "Judge not, that you not be judged."

However, the Bible also makes pretty clear that all people are gonna be judged anyway. The continuation of the quote says

"For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."

This is a warning less about judging, per se, but in the method of judging.

That is, if you judge harshly, then you will be judged by the same standard. If you judge with mercy and understanding, then you will be judged that way. "the measure you use, it will be measured back to you."

[PeaceNikki]

48. Oh, hogwash

James 4:12 ESV:
There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Matthew 7:5 ESV
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Romans 14:1-13 ESV
As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ...

And especially for these hypocrites:
Matthew 7:15 ESV
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.

And yes, I feel free to "judge" them because I am not beholden to there hypocritical, evil ways. I repeat my previous statement: "Morality is doing what is right regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told regardless of what is right."

[hfojvt]

55. you expect them to hold to a standard that you do not follow

and they are the hypocrites? You think religion is useless or evil, and yet you assail them for not following their own religion?

Seems to be a bit of a contradiction there.

As for James, then one might ask "who is HE to judge?"

Besides the brother of Jesus, that is.

"But now you boast in your own arrogance." James 4: 16

"Tou have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; ..." James 5: 5

and since the Christian is supposed to "be like Jesus" one might note that He, Himself, judged as in the verse you quoted which starts out with the judgement "you hypocrite".

[PeaceNikki]

56. No, I just would like them to stop being hateful fucking assholes.

A girl can dream...

[xmas74]

58. Reasoning is long gone.

Now it's all just my fault.

[pintobean]

5. I find it amusing that this type of Christian always seems

to be praying for other people for their 'misguided' views. I wonder how often they pray for themselves.

God didn't include homosexuality in the ten commandments. Must have been an oversight. No, that can't be. Maybe Moses forgot to jot that one down, for whatever reason.

[ret5hd]

13. hmmm...for whatever reason...what could it be?

[Politicalboi]

43. God didn't include them because

Moses fucked up. LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TAtRCJIqnk

[xmas74]

59. I hate having others pray for me.

If I want that, I'll ask for it. There are other, worthier things to pray for instead of praying for me to think like them.

[LeftinOH]

6. "I lived a homosexual lifestyle. Secretly for most of my life and openly for

about a year, until this past September. The power of God freed me from the strangling grip this sin had on me..."

Those are among the first lines of text on that facebook page by one Matt Moore. That person is undoubtedly going through some serious emotional upheaval. What's more- the "gay" still hasn't been cured, no matter how much he prays it away. It's unfortunate that he's suckered over 1,400 people into his personal torment, including your aunt.

And- the Assembly of God churches are rather well known for their 'righteous' condemnation of just about everything.

[xmas74]

60. I was raised in a similar church.

And my family wonders why I chose not to raise my child the same?

[slackmaster]

7. Put her into bed with the Captain's daughter

Or shave her belly with a rusty razor.

[Harmony Blue]

8. Avoid them

Seriously, do what is best for your family because this may worsen.

[ohheckyeah]

10. Unfriend her and/or block her.

Why do this to yourself? She and the pastor's wife are completely out of order.

[xmas74]

61. I've been informed by other family members that I am NOT

to unfriend, nor am I to make any other comments.

This is becoming a bit of a feud and now it's all being placed on my shoulders.

[Zoeisright]

92. Why do they have power over YOU?

BTW, you can block someone on facebook without them ever knowing you have.

[xmas74]

93. why do they have power?

It's my family and some of the most vocal are immediate family. I've always tried to please them, even at risk of my own feelings. It's something that's always been expected. They don't like me talking but they do like to have me around to do things for them.

Fear of being totally alone, maybe? Fear of having no family at all for my child? Her father's side never had anything to do with her.

[mzteris]

96. you really want "family" like THAT for your child?

The kid would be better off without people like that in their life. Period.

Spend your time making friends with a reasonable outlook on life and stop wasting it on people you don't even like. Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to waste time on them.

Don't let them infect your kid with their crap, either. Your first priority is the kid - not those losers.

[xmas74]

101. It's all I've ever known.

All I've ever known is constant bickering and infighting. It's almost comforting, knowing that I will eventually be blamed for everything. It tells me exactly what my place is.

I need to break away but am afraid to do so.

[mzteris]

111. I really do understand, but

you KNOW you need to do something about this.

Have you thought of counseling? Your lot in life is NOT to be a doormat. You're a pretty smart cookie - I even agree with you sometimes! :) - get off your duff and seize life instead of letting them choke the life out of you.

Sorry to sound preachy, it's not meant that way. Here's a :hug: to show my true intention.

[Missy Vixen]

109. Your family members require you cut ties with friends, and now they're ordering what

you can and cannot do on your Facebook page? When does it end?

Cut the ties. Don't look back. I'd rather be alone than spend years trying to please those who will never be happy.

[FloridaJudy]

112. You don't need to unfriend

Just create a Facebook Ghetto - mine is called "Republicans" - and put their names in it. When posting select "custom" and choose "all but ____(name of ghetto)". They will never see your posts that way.

Better yet, ignore them. What are they going to do: report you to Zuckerberg?

[madokie]

12. WHY are you still a Christian

I was raised in a baptist church more or less and I'm as far from religious today as I can get and getting further with each passing day. In the end my better sense won out.

[LaydeeBug]

14. tell them that each and every gay person all across the whole world

have the right to have GOD as their judge, and not this Church, which subverts the First Commandment EACH AND EVERY TIME THEY JUDGE SOMEONE ELSE. End by telling her you are praying for her salvation from the devil's insidious clutches of anger and spite.

[pipi_k]

15. Well, if another person is causing

that much misery in your life, there's nothing wrong with avoiding him or her.

Your aunt might be suffering from some mental disorder...who knows...so it's probably better to avoid her than to get into pointless confrontations.

[MineralMan]

16. I can't imagine that you'll ever change her mind.

So, it seems to me that the only way to deal with this is to defriend her. I have some serious right-wingers in my extended family. I've had to hide some of them and even defriend a couple on Facebook, despite a general family agreement that politics and religion are off-limits at family gatherings. I don't like to do it, but I do when it becomes intolerable for me.

[Zorra]

17. I stay away from demented toxic drama like this.

I have found that situations like the one you describe only poison my life.

Your aunt needs intense professional psychiatric help, and i doubt you could convince her to seek it.

[undeterred]

20. Gods way of dealing with my Assembly of God relatives

was to give them a son who is homosexual.

Seriously.

They know that if they do not accept him they will put him at high risk for suicide so they have tried to do that love the sinner hate the sin thing. But it is their child, and if they really want to have a good relationship with him, they will have to evolve to the point of questioning their beliefs and figuring out that real love is unconditional.

[octothorpe]

21. I'm convinced there isn't much you can do with people like that...

I mean, there is no logic behind their homophobic views. So you can't reason with them and have a real discussion about it, because it almost always ends up with them saying "It's wrong and God doesn't approve"... Even if they are no religious and they hold those beliefs, it comes down to it's not natural and shouldn't be allowed. You'd think you'd be able to at least get those people to see the flaw in their thinking, but even they seem to hold their beliefs no matter what. Maybe they are scared it will make them gay..

I'm not gay, but I've recently realized more than I have in past, that gays are treated like complete shit by so many people. It annoys me to no end, because no one can give a good explanation as to why they feel that way. Also, unlike being a racist, there is still a sense of acceptability to being homophobic.

[joeybee12]

22. End it...tell her why...tell her ignorance does not equal faith and if she

doesn't believe in God, but in bigotry, you have no use for her.

[snooper2]

23. Make fun of her, mock her...

There's really no changing stupid fundies so it's best to try to marginalize them and expose them for the fucking idiots they are. At least then maybe society as a whole will think wow, I don't want to be associated with those losers...

Basically turning the repuke way of thinking back on themselves :)

[Diclotican]

24. xmas74

xmas74

Im sorry to hear about our aunt.. The best advice is maybe to let her go, and defrind/block her from ever communicate to you again.. I had to do it with my own big sister this summer.. After he got togheter with her new boyfriend, she have been "little better than everyone else" even tho she work in a supermarked, and he is just a car mechanic.. And the familiy is just farmers, nothing more important.. She have to kids with him, and to with the EX, who at least had good education, but I guess it wasen't easy to live with my sister.. She can be some of a "handfull" when in bad mood.. And she often IS in bad mood... After she got with her new boyfriend, she have visited me 3 times, in a 5 year timeframe.. And the 3 times it was just becouse she wanted me to be babysitting her oldst kids.. Now I guess thats is out of the questning...

Oh, wel, at least I have a younger brother (who is over 30) who Im friend with, and who I guess never wil do the same as my sister.. I just wonder why she is doing this to us.. Just becouse we dosen't have a kabin, or a farm, or are rich, we are not worthless... Before she got into "money" she was a great sister.. After she got into this, she act and have allways acted as a bitch who dosen't want to have anything with us to be...

So, my best advice is to tell her, either stop it, or you wil unfrind her, and block anymore communication with her.. Familiy is important (i know) but when members are acting like your aunt it is maybe better to leave her alone.. And live your life as you want it. To accept this is maybe worse than to tell here to show it.. Sometimes to forgive your aunt is not enough.. She might be happy with her new life.. But you should not let her destroy YOUR life. Then it is better to let it go, and live your life, as you want to do it.. When she might get into her own again, she can communicate and talk to you again, as grown ups..

Or, in a last tempt effort.. Tell here in the scripture where it is clear that it is not up to US humans, to jugde others.. It tend to help. My dad was fluent in the bible, and he often could destroy "fanatical ones" by stating where in the bible sitations was.. My uncle was far better, but then he also was studying the bible more than my father ever did.. (Not my sisters familiy by the way, she had just contemt for my side of the family) Mostly becouse my side of the family was not "good enough".. So I guess the break up had been in the seems for years before this summer..

Diclotican

[Shagbark Hickory]

28. +!

[negativenihil]

25. show her goatse

You probably won't win anything with her using reason, so might as well have a little fun, eh?

[Festivito]

26. As a Christian, pray for her hardened heart and release from her judgementalism.

She reaches out to you. This is better than having her drop all contact. Use it to advantage.

Why is she projecting this issue? Sounds like she's scared, either for herself or for someone else offering her respite from some other fear ridden part of herself.

You'd help her would you not, if you knew what it were? So, be kind to her. She may start to realize how her own words begin to choke in her throat, and how the kindness of others burns in her thoughts.

I wish you well, and God's blessings of peace, joy and the easily taken long suffering -- for you are free in your truth for as much as it is truth.

[millijac]

27. Here's my wall post for the "Truth" page

Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together. Deut 22:11 I guess you're all going to hell anyway.

[Lizzie Poppet]

29. Treat her with nothing short of loving kindness.

Your example might get through to her...and if it doesn't, it will piss her off far more than any attack ever could! =P

[Marrah_G]

30. Send her the list of other things demanded of people in Leviticus.

[Erose999]

31. I don't know if you can "divorce" an aunt. But I have a couple of family members I don't claim

anymore. I just don't speak to or associate with them when they're around, any more than absolutely necessary.

[xmas74]

80. I always don't associate the way that most do.

I hate the thought of ending all contact with everyone.

[yewberry]

32. I think ending all contact would be good for you.

If I were you, I would send a note explaining your decision as kindly as you can. She's going to take it badly no matter what, but do what you can. Your aunt is still family, however misguided and misled she has allowed herself to become. However, her actions and attitudes are toxic to you, your family, and your faith.

[0rganism]

33. maybe it bugs her that the church acronym is EFAG?

You could just message back tasty excerpts of what Jesus said about helping the poor and the sick, loving our neighbors as ourselves, and being judged by how we treat the least among us. Not a Christian myself, but I've read the NT and I did see quite a bit of that in there.

[firehorse]

34. Post on her page that she has an unhealthy obsession wit other people's sex lives and that its none

of her business.

If you feel like arguing, post on her wall that: everyday is an opportunity to choose love over hate. Tell her that just because she owns a bible, she is not God. Tell her she does not have God's authority to judge and condemn others.

Personally, I argued and fought all my batshit misguided religious step sisters for a number of years. They are all lost and spiritually bankrupt, hiding behind the walls of religion as a way to justify their hate and bigotry. I can't change or fix my crazy step siblings, I can't rattle them to their senses. It was a relief to realize its not my job to fix the crazyb bigots in my family, all I can do is live my life in the most sane and healthy way as possible.

I find solace that if there is a God, all the bigots will probably be shocked to find themselves in hell while the loving gays and the moral athiests are spreading their love and peace in heaven.

For my own sanity, eventually I had to cut myself off from all the toxic people in my family including my mother, stepfather and his kids. It wasn't an easy choice, as it can be quite lonely. But I'm much better off for it.

[Fire Walk With Me]

35. Tell them some people are bisexual, so they should feel 50% less upset.

[msanthrope]

36. Defriend her. But if you wish to combat her, every single time she or her pastor's wife post, note

that's it's always the most anti-gay pastors/activists who are closeted..

http://www.ranker.com/list/top-10-anti-gay-activists-caught-being-gay/joanne

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. end the contact. why have her stress you out? is she really that important to you

we dont get a choice about who we are related to, we do get a choice about whether or not we should have them in our lives.

[xmas74]

64. Family has always been important to me.

I don't stay in contact with many as it is. I try to sit back and let it go but sometimes I get pushed too far.

Of course, now this has turned into a huge fight that has quickly become all my fault.

[hunter]

39. Rainbow flags work pretty well.

Tell her you support gay marriage. Tell her how damned awesome George Takei is.

wikipedia

Be pleasant, open, and firm about your own beliefs and you won't have to avoid her, she will avoid you.

Or maybe she will see the light and her heart will be filled with George Takei lust.

[in_cog_ni_to]

41. Wash your hands of her and be done with the garbage and filth. Life's too short

to put up with stupid people like them all the time. Who needs that crap in their life? I don't put up with it. They either STOP IT or you should just write her off.

[xmas74]

76. My family is using this as yet another excuse

to blame it all on me. It's the norm around here.

[in_cog_ni_to]

82. *sigh* Seriously.

Tell your family to kiss your ass and be done with the hateful Aunt. Either your family supports you in doing that or screw them too! I swear to G-d. It's 2011. It's time for people to get the hell out of other people's private lives. Also, families are suppose to love and support their family members UNCONDITIONALLY. When they choose to not do that, then you have every right to stay away from their toxicity. And that is exactly what they are...TOXIC.

[xmas74]

85. It's a cycle.

They dish it and I take it. I need to learn how not to take it. Over the years I've tried therapy, medications, etc and am repeatedly ridiculed until I quit doing what helps me. I've dropped nearly all outside influences because I no longer want to hear anything negative from my family.

Oh, and I know for a fact that they are reading this thread.

[City of Mills]

106. Have you ever tried screaming?

Not at them, but go lock yourself in a room and scream, as loud as you can. You are severely bottled up. Let it out! Get mad! Don't blow this off.

You may think you need them, but trust me they need you more. But they need to learn to respect you.

[Iggo]

42. If she can't shut up about it when she's around you, then Silent Treatment; No Parole.

Treat her like she doesn't exist, and she should count herself lucky she's getting off easy because she's a relative.

That's how I handle it. Totally works.

[Warren DeMontague]

44. ***

[JoePhilly]

45. I have a way for you to combine some of the ideas that others suggest, into one great idea.

Some one said mock them ... some one said post positive quotes from Jesus in the New Testament.

Here's my extension. Post on her page that you plan to spend lots more time reading the bible. Wait for the cheering. But don't do anything else. Don't comment further. Just post the quote.

And then, as some one else said, post one passage, a quote from Jesus about the poor, the sick, strangers. Something nice. Wait for the cheering again. But don't comment further. Just post the quote.

And then, post a CRAZY passage from either Leviticus or Deuteronomy. Pick passages about how eating shrimp is an abomination, or the one in which if a man rapes a virgin, he has to pay her dad 50 scheckles, and then he has to MARRY her. Wait for the reaction, but again, don't respond to it.

From then on, alternatively post something nice from Jesus, and then some crazy stuff from the other books of the bible.

You will get to know the bible better, and drive them nuts in the process.

[Iggo]

46. Wow.

I like it.

[JoePhilly]

66. The only way to beat the bible thumpers is to smack them in the head with their own book.

The simple truth is that many of them don't really read it, and when they do, they only read the parts they like.

In dealing with my own right wing Christians relatives and friends, I've found that its not hard to beat them in a game of "dueling bible passages".

Their approach to reading the bible is generally so selective that it relies on a rather small number of passages.

I find that in most cases, you can stand toe to toe, or rather "passage to passage", and kick their butts.

The author of the OP is considering cutting these folks off ... I think the approach I'm suggesting might shift the dynamic such that it would be the aunt and her pastor trying to decide whether to cut ties with the OP author.

[xmas74]

73. I've now been informed by other family members

that I need to stop, to stay out of it, and to shut my mouth. I am not to have an opinion.

And they don't care about quoting Scripture. I've done this before and it never sinks in. It's just me "picking at them".

[JoePhilly]

83. Some additional thoughts.

I find that people who act the way your aunt and her pastor do, see themselves as better than you.

They see their own religious views as vastly superior to yours, and they use their self-proclaimed superiority, as a license to tell you which topics you can have an opinion on. Some of your other family members may have already give in to this pressure, and they may expect you to do so as well.

In your OP, you mention that they claim that they will "pray for you". What they mean to say is that THEY are the judges, and that as JUDGES, they are in a position to speak to God on your behalf. They find this necessary because as they see it, YOU are screwed up, and unable to engage God directly on your own. You can't be trusted with that ... they need to do it for you.

The ultimate reality is that these people see themselves as above you. Only they can interpret the bible, you can not.

They do this to intimiate and control you. Which is why you are being told to "stop, to stay out of it, and to shut my mouth. I am not to have an opinion."

In my own case, I won out over those who tried to control me by becoming more knowledgeable then they were. Not just about bible quotes, but about the history of the bible, and the history of religion itself.

I'd recommend books by Bart D. Ehrman and Karen Armstrong to start.

Over time, I reached a point where those family and friends who wanted to control my religious thoughts knew better than to talk nonsense around me. And so after a time, it was they who withheld their views and opinions on such things.

[xmas74]

89. But it's not just them doing this.

It's my parents telling me I have no business dealing with this and that I need to shut my mouth. According to most of my family, I am an idiot and I should not speak. I'm that bit of trash who had a child but didn't marry the guy. It's been shoved down my throat ever since about how untrustworthy and how immoral I am, how I shouldn't be raising a child, etc.

This has spun so far out of control. This is quickly coming to a head and everything is coming out about how they really feel. Quotes will not matter.

[JoePhilly]

104. They've intimidated your parents too.

This is all about control.

And in the end, one way or another, you need to take control of your own life.

If you chose to stay around these people, you can't let them control you.

And if you can't take back control from them, then you probably do need to put some serious distance between you and them.

[xmas74]

108. Mother's not easily intimidated.

She tends to bring this all on, encouraging the fight,and then wants to blame another for it.

[JoePhilly]

110. If mom is not intimidated by your aunt, then she is probably one of the

Intimidators.

Again, you may be better off backing out either for a specific period (say 6 months) ... and see where things go. During that time, limit contact. Avoid all arguments. Simply step away.

If after that period, things don't improve, then you may need to make more drastic steps to separate from this stuff.

[PassingFair]

115. You sound like "Carrie" here....

Ditch these weirdos.

[BookSavoury]

47. I would cut contact with someone like that.

Why not block her on facebook and tell others why you have done it?

It's not enough, really, to just ignore her. It's also important to state why you don't tolerate such a person in your life.

[xmas74]

62. If I do it

other family members will take it out on me, then on my child. I don't want to hurt my child.

[BR_Parkway]

49. You tell her you don't associate with bigots then cut her off - it's really not t

that hard to do. Why do you have to stay in touch with this person? Because she's the next lucky sperm/egg combination in your mother or father's family? She's already made it clear that she has no respect for you or your family, why do you feel that you need to give her any?

In the gay community, we call a lot of friends "family" - because for many, their actual blood relatives don't accept them. You get to choose who your "family" is, the rest of them don't deserve your time and stress any longer

[xmas74]

54. Well, I was informed by other family members that

I had no right to speak about any of this. I should just listen and shut up.

I've been crying about it. I'm just tired of it all.

[BR_Parkway]

107. Wow, I'm sorry that your family doesn't support you, that just makes it harder

I'd personally tell them all to piss off, but I know that isn't a solution for everyone

[PassingFair]

114. Do you have a job?

Can you support yourself and your daughter?

[Lucian]

51. If she's doing manual labor for the church when she's on disability for supposed pain...

I'd turn her in.

[xmas74]

78. I can't do that.

She's still family, even though she'd turn me in for something similar. Very into the Tea Party over at their home.

[Dragonbreathp9d]

52. I know that place. Used to work in Carrolton and had a lot of friends there

I believe they even invited Oliver North to speak there one time (blech). There's not a whole lot you can do against blind hatred other than introducing them to more and more loving, caring glbta people.

[xmas74]

63. I went to school about thirty miles from there.

Not much better.

It's a town I tend to stay away from as often as possible.

[Hassin Bin Sober]

53. Push her down and break her hip.

[Capitalocracy]

67. For the love of God, find her a good woman.

OK, I don't actually subscribe to the belief that 100% of these super-adamant bigots are actually repressed closet cases, but it's certainly a possibility. I think it can also be an indication of general brainwashing, of course, but almost certainly a general sexual repression.

[xmas74]

70. Brainwashing.

That's the problem. That and the rest are control issues.

[begin_within]

68. My response to anti-gay bigots is,

"You're just jealous because nobody loves you. If you had a love life, you wouldn't be concerned with anyone else's."

[xmas74]

71. I don't know the concern from them.

I just know that if I want a relationship with my family I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut and not make eye contact. I've grown weary of not being allowed an opinion and not feeling comfortable around the people I should feel the most comfortable speaking with-my family.

[begin_within]

75. My advice is

get away from them and don't look back. It will never, ever be comfortable. You can choose who is your family, the people who genuinely love you. If these people require you to keep your mouth shut and not make eye contact, they don't love you, and they should not be considered your family. Just move on from them, for the sake of your own happiness and peace of mind.

[xmas74]

77. I suspect that will happen before this all ends.

I think that's what will actually end it-me leaving them all behind. I'm just too tired of not being allowed to express an opinion or being expected to take all the nasty hits and comments aimed at me.

[begin_within]

86. You deserve much better

and there are many people in the world who will treat you much better. I'm sorry you are going through all this. They have no right to do this to you. Frankly I don't think they will ever change, no matter what you do or say. Belief systems are just too deep and too powerful. Although you may care for and love some of them, I don't see any solution for you but to just leave them behind. Maybe afterwards one or two will try to make amends individually, but you should only allow any of them to re-enter your life on YOUR terms and not their terms. I think in the long run you will be happier.

[xmas74]

90. I don't see any of them making amends.

They are not the type of people to do so. That is expected from me. It's been expected for 36 years and will still be expected until I die.

If I ever do make it a break it will be permanent.

[tammywammy]

72. Block her from appearing on your page.

If your family has said to not respond to her and not to defriend her, just ignore her.

You can hide her from your wall, set it up to where nothing you post will be seen by her, and block her from sending you messages. Problem solved.

www.facebook.com/help?page=841

[xmas74]

74. I just did that today.

I don't think it's right that not one single person has chosen to stick up for me when this all started because I was backing up another member. In the end, this is yet another instance of everything turning into my fault.

[tammywammy]

79. Family sucks sometimes

I get it. I defriended a family member, but so did my brother. I have a cousin that had the Confederate flag as his profile pic. I told my mom, 'that weirds the shit outta me and I don't want to have anything to do with anyone having a Confederate flag on their facebook regardless of if they're family.' She got it too. He's never asked me about it, but then I'd just tell him straight up why.

The best thing if your situation if you can't defriend them, is just block them. You'll never see any of their nastiness and they can't send you messages with it either. And if anyone asks you can just say that since what you were saying was considered so offensive you found this the best way to make peace with the family.

Good luck!

[xmas74]

81. Thanks.

Of course, if she can't send it, she'll just contact a family member and make things even worse.

I go to work, come home, and find that all hell has broken loose. Somehow, it's all my fault, even though I'm not home during the day.

[tammywammy]

84. I'd just come up with a standard reply

"I felt that removing myself from the situation was the best way to make peace with everyone. I hope you will respect my decision."

And then just give that standard reply when anyone tries to bring it up.

[xmas74]

87. That's the only way to even attempt to cope with all this.

I'm exhausted. The behavior makes me feel decades older. They do their best to make it all my fault and they don't seem to care how I handle it.

[tammywammy]

88. That's awful

Just do what you can, and remember at the end of the day alienating you is their loss.

:hug:

[xmas74]

91. Thank you.

They'll be thankful too, if I drop out of their lives.

[InvisibleTouch]

98. I've never understood why people feel compelled to put up with horrid relatives.

If a casual acquaintance bombarded you with this kind of hate or otherwise made your life miserable, you'd tell them to take a long walk off a short plank and then never interact them again, no doubt. So why put up with it from a family member, for no other reason than that they're a family member? How does that give them any more claim on you than anyone else has? For me personally, someone has to deserve my time and attention; I don't owe loyalty or have to put up with shit simply by virtue of some shared percentage of DNA. I have no qualms about cutting those out of my life who cause me only trouble and aggravation, and I hope you will do the same. This person doesn't deserve your time and energy.

Unfriend, then never think of her again. A quick, clean cut. It's really far more painless than you might think.

[Behind the Aegis]

99. "What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality " Check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/What-Bible-Really-about-Homosexuality/dp/188636009X

[Fearless]

100. Ignore the comments if you want to remain cordial or ignore them completely if you don't.

There's no point in trying to teach the stubborn. Words will not change them... Irritate them if you feel like it, but it will draw them closer to their beliefs not further away. The only way they will learn is through experience, but I doubt that they will ever put themselves in a place with GLBTQ people so there is little chance that they will ever learn.

[lynne]

105. Hide her on FB and don't discuss homosexuality with her -

- You can't pick your relatives BUT they are a part of your life and your collective family history. No way will relatives always agree on matters and sometimes the best thing to do is to just avoid the confrontation without escalating it to a disowning. Certainly don't back down from your beliefs - just tell her that you will agree to disagree and make it a topic NOT for discussion.

[Jamastiene]

113. It's not worth it. I would cut off all contact.

Homophobes are not worth it. They will continue to do what they can get away with. Period. What usually happens is this "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality seeps in. I've seen it happen to people before. It's sad to see too. I lost a couple friends because of their insistence on joining up with one of the most racist, homophobic, and anti-Semitic churches around. I just couldn't stand to be around them any more once they started in with the preaching. Before that, they were warm, kindhearted, wonderful people. After they turned into hate mongers, they never smiled any more. They never said anything positive about anyone any more. They never laughed. They never cried either. They got really cold-hearted really fast. It was hideous.